8.5 year old says when you are niftar I will get your stuff

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Forum -> Parenting our children

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amother

Dodgerblue

Sun, Sep 13 2015, 11:26 am

Is that reason for me to be concerned? What would cause him to say something like that

youngishbear

Sun, Sep 13 2015, 11:30 am

They must have learned something about yerusha in school.

Or he heard about the concept from adults or friends.

Did you not like his tone? Was it said in anger, like he can't wait for the day ch"v? Kids that age often have no concept of the finality of death and talk about it casually.

Unless he's a sociopath, there's no need to be concerned.

amother

Dodgerblue

Sun, Sep 13 2015, 11:34 am

Thank you - He said it in a most innocent tone- like as if he was asking a sincere question and just was curious about the answer. He has a loving relationship with us but when he said this I was very taken aback.

I did answer him- yes you will get my stuff.

amother

Seafoam

Sun, Sep 13 2015, 11:43 am

My little kids have said the same thing. My little girl said when you die I get to keep all your jewelry! And she sounded so excited. I was hurt. I told her I would buy her her own jewelry so she doesn't have to wait until I die.... shock

I guess it's normal but it still hurts.

amother

Dodgerblue

Sun, Sep 13 2015, 11:46 am

It makes me feel better to know I'm not the only one that this has happened to. Thanks,

dee's mommy

Sun, Sep 13 2015, 11:52 am

Although this is a normal curiosity for kids, one thing that I like to do (and that my mother has done) is give special family things to our kids while we are still alive. For example, there a family pieces of jewelry that my mother gave to me when I came to be certain ages. I will pass them on to my daughter when she is a "young lady." (For example, I have a special ring that I received from my mother, her mother gave it to her, and her mother gave it to her. Nobody had to die for that.) Another thing is that my mother has told my young daughter that she will give her the candlesticks that belonged to her mother when she gets married. Again, nobody has to die for that.

Yes, there are some things for "after you die" but not all special things have to be that way.

amother

Chartreuse

Sun, Sep 13 2015, 12:04 pm

You're definitely not alone! I have an eight year old sibling and our grandfather was recently niftar. My grandmother is in the process of cleaning out his things, and the will is being carried out and such, so my brother has likely heard snippets of conversation about what is being done with Zaidy's things and sure enough, he's had some questions and started saying things about which of his parents'/siblings' stuff he wants and who he wants to have his stuff. It's a little macabre, but also kind of funny, and we obviously know where it's coming from.

seeker

Sun, Sep 13 2015, 12:56 pm

It's just part of kids figuring out the way the world works. Maybe someone told them a story that involved an inheritance and they are wondering if it always works that way or what. I wouldn't be hurt or spooked or anything.

sequoia

Sun, Sep 13 2015, 1:47 pm

Kids often say that! There's this Russian book of kids' quotes "From Two to Five" that includes this gem:
"Grandma, will you die? Will you be buried? Deep in the earth? THEN I'll play on your sewing machine!"

mommyla

Sun, Sep 13 2015, 1:53 pm

When my husband's grandfather died, my 5-year-old wanted to know what will happen to their house "when Bubby dies." (Actually, I think he asked who would get their house, IIRC!) Totally normal.

m in Israel

Tue, Sep 15 2015, 2:34 pm

Another vote for totally normal. We have some little silver figurines that one of my kids really likes playing with (I think we got them many years ago as a free gift from Oorah or something like that Smile

) When he was about 7 1/2 he once asked me "when you die, can I be the one to get these?" We still laugh about it now a few years later -- if they are going to discuss who gets what while we are still here, at least "fight" over things that have some value Very Happy

Seriously, though, as earlier posters have said, kids are still figuring out how the world works, and questions like these are normal. They are just starting to understand the overall concept of death, and understanding all the practical ramifications is also a part of that process. A different son of mine used to ask all sorts of questions about who would take care of him if we died while he was still a child, etc. As long as he doesn't seem overly obsessed with thinking about death, and as long as it didn't come with intense anger or something like that, I would just file it in my mind under "cute/funny things that kids say" and not worry.

amother

Copper

Tue, Sep 15 2015, 4:42 pm

There's a story that my DH said this when he was about 6. I think he wanted his father's collection of ties or something similar. And he's the sweetest, kindest, nerdiest (in a good way) person I know.

amother

Cerulean

Wed, Sep 16 2015, 5:17 am

how bout when adult children say it or ask for things to be "assigned" to them...

Ruchel

Wed, Sep 16 2015, 12:35 pm

You can realy teach about onaas devarim, and about people before objects.

amother

Coral

Wed, Sep 16 2015, 1:35 pm

amother wrote:

how bout when adult children say it or ask for things to be "assigned" to them...

What about when a disgusting sil tells your mom she will get her jewelry when she is nifta.

amother

Cerulean

Wed, Sep 16 2015, 5:37 pm

I hope your parents put in their will that she will not get the jewelry or do something else to ensure that outcome

PAMOM

Wed, Sep 16 2015, 9:01 pm

1. It's normal for kids to want a continuation when we're gone. Our "things" are a version of object permanence with us as the missing objects.
2. Everyone needs a will, and --I hate to say it--many of us need to look out for grabby family members. It's not even a question of value; there's just a lot of emotion and irrationality when parents die.

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