Please help I'm at my wits end

blima

Wed, Sep 16 2015, 7:21 pm

Hi! I am currently experiencing big problems with my 2.5 year old. She is kh very smart and has always been pretty difficult since she was little but always normal bh. Recently she began becoming a terror at home screaming about anything and everything having tantrums and being very clingy. She also became extremely scared of things like scared to be outside without holding my hand and constantly asking me to hold her because she is scared. I think she is very afraid of things on wheels knocking her over but now she is just scared in general and has hold on to me for dear life. I am having a really hard time and don't know the proper way to respond to these situations and punish her defiance (I don't know if punish is right word its more like to reinforce the good behavior and deal with the negative behavior). Please give me advice she is my oldest so I am truly not experienced and just want her to be a happy child and enjoy her childhood. thank you in advance

imasinger

Wed, Sep 16 2015, 7:27 pm

It sounds like you have several issues:

1. She has tantrums a lot.

2. She has gotten very clingy.

3. She is very scared about things, and has been acting really anxious.

Mazel tov. You have a 2 year old. All of this is pretty normal.

How do you usually handle the tantrums, clinginess and fear? Maybe you are doing most or all of it right, but just are expecting it to disappear too quickly?

blima

Wed, Sep 16 2015, 7:33 pm

Thank you for making me feel like its normal. I am a big worrier and I was nervous something was seriously wrong or she got hurt in playgroup (I have a big imagination). How is the proper way to respond though? I want the fear and clinginess and tantrums to ease out a little

sneakermom

Wed, Sep 16 2015, 7:54 pm

The calmer you are. The calmer she will be.

Hold her a lot. Touch is soothing and loving.

Be consistent about basic rules. Walk away from tantrums. Observe but don't respond.

Expect her to behave this way. It's her chance to be two!

She won't make sense. That's fine.

Her fears are real. Validate how she feels in simple language. Tell her you are afraid. Mommy is here. Mommy is next to you.

This time of year is difficult. A lot of adjustments.

FranticFrummie

Wed, Sep 16 2015, 8:49 pm

blima wrote:

First of all, work on your own fear and runaway imagination. DD can pick up on your nervousness, and that will just reinforce to her that the world is a really scary place. Fake it if you have to, but she needs to see you calm, happy, and unruffled. If you start modeling scared behavior, she'll never get over it.

Instead of giving in to her fears, just carry on. Don't try to reassure her too much! I did this with my DD, and we both ended up in therapy over it. She's 12 and still has severe anxiety, and I found out in parenting classes that my trying to take away all of her worries just ended up making them stronger. Sad

Great, NOW you tell me! Banging head

Sometimes, over protecting, over soothing, and coddling can be the worst possible thing for a child. They need to see that you believe that they are capable, competent, and strong enough to handle small daily upsets. Children will live up to whatever message you send them. Save your sympathy for the most serious emergencies, and let her know that spilled juice or a scraped knee is just an "oopsie!", and get on with your day.

imasinger

Wed, Sep 16 2015, 9:26 pm

You might want to consider a parenting class. They can offer a lot of chizuk.

Calm reassurance is key. For tantrums, try to offer her words, distraction, or problem solving help just as she is starting to slide. But she will still lose it sometimes, regardless, especially when tired. That's okay. Make sure she has a safe place to tantrum, and then turn your back. As soon as she is quiet, praise her for doing such a great job at calming down, and see if there is any way to solve the problem or distract her.

For fear and anxiety, let her know that she is safe. Do not force her to face her fears, but just show her that you are unconcerned, and in time, she will likely get over it on her own.

amother

Aquamarine

Wed, Sep 16 2015, 9:51 pm

The book Easy to Love, Difficult to Discipline by Becky Bailey is INVALUABLE for this age. Can't recommend it enough. I'm currently taking a very popular parenting class by a very famous chinuch expert and I find this book even MORE helpful.

amother

Green

Thu, Sep 17 2015, 12:02 pm

Sorry but what you're describing are pretty well-known signs that something may be up that you don't know about. Try to have her evaluated by a normal legal therapist. Also spend undistracted time with her whenever you can. Give her opportunities to express herself and reinforce the feeling of safety through words, touch, etc.
I'm not trying to scare you, I'm validating the fact that you are her mother, you've known her your whole life, and she is not acting like herself, and you don't yet know why.

General advice is nice but you're the mother and it sounds like you know something might be wrong.

amother

Jade

Thu, Sep 17 2015, 2:17 pm

All the posts here make sense. The ones saying that it's bornal but also the one saying it might not be.
My DS was a fearful boy . When his fears got worse I was told I should check what he watches (movies) and I did realize that his favorite show caused him anxiety.
But it wasn't like he turned into a different kid, it wasn't a 0-100 type of change... So if your kid was always a bit scared but now it getting more scared I would check the surroundings but if it's a huge change I would go for advice by professionals.