How to tell 9yo a trend doesn't suit them?

bigbird

Tue, Sep 29 2015, 4:56 pm

My 9yo DD wants to dress like her friends, obviously! Unfortunately, due to her body shape, not all styles suit her. She can't get away with short tops, waisted dresses and puffy skirts. She really looks much better with her hair pulled back off her face, rather than down and/or with a fringe/side fringe. And the poor girl also has flat feet so flat shoes without straps also don't suit her.

I understand her wanting to look like her friends. But how do I explain that wearing ill fitted clothes make you look worse than wearing clothes in a different style to everyone else? She's already self conscious of her tummy... I don't want to make it worse!

I gave in on some of what she wanted when buying clothes/shoes for yom tov but now I'm regretting it and trying to work out how to put my foot down next time we're shopping..

Tablepoetry

Tue, Sep 29 2015, 5:43 pm

Honestly? I would let her buy what she likes. I certainly wouldn't 'put my foot down' with a nine year old because I thought a certain style flattered her better.

I would suggest/recommend/tell her that I think style xyz is so pretty on her. But I wouldn't tell her that the other look is unflattering. Nope, no way, not at that age. And if that's the look she insisted on, I would let her go for it, especially if that's what all the other girls are wearing and I don't have anything against it in principle.

(It seems one of the issues is that she's overweight? I would put my energies into trying to get her to a healthy weight without making her self-conscious about it. But I assume you're already doing that).

Tablepoetry

Tue, Sep 29 2015, 5:53 pm

Just to add....I don't think a nine year old has to wear her hair in a way that flatters her or wear shoes that flatter her. She's not a runway model, nor is this her wedding day. This is the time for her to experiment with all the different styles out there. As long as her peers aren't mocking her (and you didn't raise that issue), then I see no need to start censoring her style with questions of whether or not she looks good.

You can give your own advice, but give her the freedom and confidence to choose.

(eta, obviously in the realm of reason, I wouldn't let my dd buy something shocking or inappropriate.)

mille

Tue, Sep 29 2015, 8:52 pm

luvinlife wrote:

She's 9! please let her fit in with her friends and don't destroy her confidence at this age. Nobody is looking at a 9 yr old and saying what's wrong with her mom letting her wear this style that doesn't suit her. Please she's a child and take it easy on her now and please in the future as well.

Totally agree -- I think this is what will give a little girl body issues! If she's comfortable and happy in the clothing and they fall under your category of modesty, mazal tov - let her wear it!

SRS

Tue, Sep 29 2015, 9:59 pm

My short answer: Your daughter can see herself in the mirror!

My longer answer: If she is developing an unhealthy weight and shape, you can reform the household diet and make sure that you are making opportunities for her to be active (even better, be active together). No matter what the trend is, it will always look better on those with a more proportional body. Eventually she will be able to pick her clothing and will understanding dressing for her body shape. I see a lot of young children who are overweight and it is a trend that is best reversed now. So concentrate on that, not on the styles of the day which will come and go.

FranticFrummie

Wed, Sep 30 2015, 4:07 am

Been through this myself. I came to the realization that the way my DD looks doesn't bother her, it bothers ME.

I'm not worried about how she looks, I'm worried about how it will reflect on me as a mother, and what other mothers think of me when they see DD dressed a certain way.

That is NOT a healthy attitude, and very selfish of me! I had to get over it.

As other posters said, as long as she is dressing modestly, let her pick out her own clothes. Praise the choices you like, and keep your mouth shut about the ones you don't like, unless they are truly inappropriate.

If you create a negative charge around certain styles of clothes, you can be sure that when she becomes a teen, those are the ones that she will davka want to wear every day, just to rebel and show her individuality. Don't give her the ammunition! Wink

amother

Purple

Wed, Sep 30 2015, 1:27 pm

I was that girl.

I don't blame my mother and grandmother for all my body image issues, but I think their well-meaning efforts in shaping my wardrobe to flatter my chubby figure had a very negative effect.

A girl who is 9 is still coming into her own...still understanding what her reflection in the mirror means, how it relates to who she is as a person, whether it bothers her, etc. Once an adult-- especially a mom-- starts making her body into something to flatter, it sends a message of shame. That your body isn't ok. That you aren't ok. That you should be hiding. That you need to dress different than your friends because there is something wrong with you.

Give her the space to develop her own body identity and style. Or she never will and it always be about hiding, shaming, and pleasing other people. To this day, I still struggle with feeling "permission" to wear trends-- regardless of how much I weigh.

Dandelion1

Wed, Sep 30 2015, 8:01 pm

I totally understand the urge to want to help the child look nice. Certainly not all styles work for all body types, even for children. But I agree with everyone saying as long as the outfit fits size-wize, and is not skimpy or ill fitting, even if the cut is not particularly flattering, it is wise to let the child feel good, and not raise her awareness to her "body type" at this young age.

mummiedearest

Wed, Sep 30 2015, 8:09 pm

I would not bother her about the style outfit, though I would put my foot down if it was too expensive. I would, however, say something about the shoes. the shoe issue is not about looking good, it's about healthy feet. most kids' shoes these days are really not supportive enough, but those ballet flats with no strap are beyond not supportive enough. if your dd needs orthotics, it's especially important to get her good shoes.

bigbird

Fri, Oct 16 2015, 1:16 am

Resurrecting this again. So I've been thinking about this. I know most of you said not to make a fuss and let her wear what she wants but I'm still thinking she needs to look put together. I don't want her friends looking at her strangely (we all know that unfortunately, heading into their teens - and even adults - relationships are often based on how one "looks").

We're also new to our community so it's important that we fit in.

I don't know that I'm willing to let her get away with wearing what she wants when it makes her look shlochy/shlompy/even just not right. But is there a way to do/say that without making her feel bad?

DrMom

Fri, Oct 16 2015, 1:26 am

Perhaps when you go shopping with her you can take along another person whose opinion she respects, but who is not... well...you.

An aunt, or someone like that might be able to say, "Chava, that dress doesn't really do you justice at all. But I bet something like this would look really nice on you. Want to try it on?"

Just make sure you and this other person are on the same page tsnius-wise and that she understands your budget.

mummiedearest

Fri, Oct 16 2015, 10:26 am

bigbird wrote:

there are different ways of fitting in. you want her to look put together. that's one kind of fitting in. she wants to wear what the other girls are wearing. that's another kind of fitting in. chances are, she will fit in with her peers if she follows their trends. unless she's generally an outcast based on personality, shyness, etc., I'd let her use her kind of fitting in. lots of kids her age don't have a sense of proportion, shape, etc. when it comes to clothing. the other kids are not likely to notice the lack of "put-togetherness." this would be noticed more by their moms, so it might affect how you feel among your new peers. I think the best you can do is dress yourself nicely and let her be fashionable.

speaking as someone who was a chubby kid (all in the belly), I can tell you that I hated all the outfits that were "flattering" to my shape. they all looked like maternity clothing. a kid once even told me I looked pregnant in ninth grade. I didn't have anything trendy to wear, and I drove my mom nuts to get me the trendy shoes that she hated. my ability to wear trendy shoes was not affected by my belly. I didn't really get trendy shoes, though. I definitely wanted some of the trendy clothing, and I would have known if I looked really bad in them. your daughter already cares about her looks, she's trying to look like everyone else. even if you get her "flattering" clothing, she'll know she looks different. I suggest you buy her some of what each of you likes.

amother

Chocolate

Fri, Oct 16 2015, 1:35 pm

this was me at as a 9 year old. My mom constantly told me to wear looser shirts, no belts etc, and guess what? I practically ended up with an eating disorder! By the time it matters--12-15 years old, she will figure out herself how to dress well. The best thing you can do for her is tell her how much you love her and NEVER bring up weight unless she does. And if she does, tell her about what features she have that are beautiful and that her worth is not dependent on her looks. Encourage talents, good middos, strong friendships. Not looking perfect.

SRS

Sat, Oct 17 2015, 9:58 pm

OP. is your daughter *currently* in a place of discontent because she is being pushed out of the group?

If not, back off and work to control your own nature to want to make her present as "put together."

If so and you know that the exclusion can be linked to something like unkempt hair, make it fun for her to have you do her hair.

I recall times, back in the day, where I perceived being shut out of exclusive groups for superficial reasons. But the only comments I can remember came straight out of my mother's mouth.