14 yr old told me something shocking. how do I handle this

amother

Aquamarine

Thu, Oct 01 2015, 5:33 am

ok even with the anon feature I'm terrified to write this but I have no one I feel I can talk to about this, not even my husband.

My 14 year old often gets really moody and won't explain why. I often put it down to hormones and her period.
Today she was acting especially moody and strange and I insisted she talk to me. She finally texted me the words "I'm bisexual"

I'm totally lost here. I told her I love her no matter what but I want to talk about it when she is ready. (she didn't want to talk now)
she says she has known for a really long time but I don't understand how she could have.
We are frum, lubavitch, she doesn't have much exposure to boys etc.

Is it possible for a girl so young to know? Is it possible it's just s-xual confusion? Is there anyone in the frum world that deals with these things I can talk to? Can someone who is trully bisexual go on to lead a normal married life (with a guy) .

I feel like this is my fault for being too lenient with letting her watch movies and stuff online. Like she has been too exposed to stuff that in the secular world is normal.
I really hope I get useful advice from people who know enough about this topic to respond.

I am thinking to insist she takes on extra shiurim and I plan on monitoring more carefully what she does on her tablet, but I don't want her to feel like it means I don't love or accept her.
Please help me, I feel like I'm drowning I'm so lost

amother

Scarlet

Thu, Oct 01 2015, 5:57 am

For starters, this has nothing to do with exposure to movies etc. You did not to anything to cause her feelings and conversely, there is nothing you can do to change them.

From what I've read some people are aware of their s-xual orientation at a young age. Some young teens may just have a "girl crush". It may be for real or it may be a phase. You won't like what I'm going to say to you but she may feel she's a lesbian and trying to break it to you softly by couching it in terms of bisexuality.

Extra shiurim and monitoring will not change the situation. Attempts to change her into something she is not will cause a divide between you.

When she is ready to talk, listen. Find out how she feels and what she wants to do. Of course at her age she is too young to be s-xually active. Try not to alienate her.

Hug

chayamiriam

Thu, Oct 01 2015, 6:03 am

Don't panic the girl is only 14 years old! She is exploring her s-xuality and thinks
She is all grown up to make a decision like that. She is just a child. Don't make her feel bad just listen to her feelings and explain to her that most of her feelings are just normal for a young girl and even if she is sure she is bi that might all change as she gets older and more mature. I would hug her and tell her she is a sensitive deep thinking girl but her s-xuality does not really develop until she is much older and she is loved no matter what road in life she takes!

amother

Olive

Thu, Oct 01 2015, 6:53 am

Being bisexual is glamorized in the big world. And being interested in boys is frowned upon in the frum world. So there you have it, a perfect set up for confusion.

One of my adult daughters (ex-BY) expressed concern that she was a lesbian for that reason, that she was taught in the frum world that boys are disgusting, forbidden, to be avoided.

Another adult daughter wishes she could find a man like her best girlfriend. She's never been around a man other than her brothers.

So, we set our girls up to become lesbians. And the boys, well, they're busy doing all kinds of homosexual type behaviors, according to my sons. One questioned his s-xuality too, until I told him he could have a girlfriend if he could find one.

It's normal stuff. Don't freak out. Just talk with her. And do make sure no one is seducing her.

amother

Taupe

Thu, Oct 01 2015, 7:41 am

amother wrote:

I am bi. Yet I am frum. I can't live on Lesbian Island because Frum woman don't live there. And so, I married a wonderful man. I love him to pieces and we have a beautiful life together. He knows nothing of my other desires and what I find attractive.
Some people have a thing for blood, yet they can't go around killing because it's against the law. Not every desire needs to be fulfilled.

The problem is that in the non-frum world they don't think like that and even frum people can be affected by this secular way of thinking.
Secular society says that if you have a desire then you have to explore it. With all avenues open and legitimated by society there are very few inhibitions left. Suppression is almost a sin nowadays.
Of course people throughout the ages had homos-xual urges. These things are innate and they were not invented by modern society and the non-frum world. But no other society has granted them the credence and stamp of approval that our generation does.
Therefore, a frum girl who is struggling with bis-xuality who has been exposed to the non-frum way of thinking will believe this label to be an equally valid s-xual identity for herself and might even feel subtle pressure to explore this facet of her identity and to experiment. It doesn't help, as others said, that exposure to the opposite s-x in the frum world is extremely limited.
In the past a frum girl with homoerotic feelings might have been confused but she probably would have suppressed these feelings, gone with the hetros-xual label and life style and been no less worse off for it either. Now only the truly sheltered are unaffected by modern secular cultural norms and values.
Truly bi-zxual people, as opposed to homos-xuals, can make a life-style choice. Frum society is clear about which choice is preferable. Secular society says all things are equal and it's hard to combat that message.

Amarante

Thu, Oct 01 2015, 7:48 am

Some people do know their s"equality at a young age.

However, it is not at all unusual for young teenage girls to have extremely intense feelings for other girls even if they don't do anything physical with them. At that age, I didn't think I was gay but the drama between my best friend and I rivaled any romance in terms of its intensity.

You should be very glad your daughter feels she can talk about such stuff with you as it shows you have an extraordinary relationship.

I think your daughter probably could benefit from talking to someone. Not that she needs to be fixed but because she seems to be going through a tough confused time and would probably find an outlet to be helpful. I would make sure it's a non judgmental type who will not try to scare her into thinking she is on the road to perdition.

amother

Tangerine

Thu, Oct 01 2015, 7:54 am

amother wrote:

I agree with you and I owe my therapist a lot of credit for helping me think in the way I do. Secular society would definitely bash "suppression" and not exploring one's feelings and thoughts yet my therapist gently guided me to the realization that we as frum people, simply don't live in a society that allows a bi lifestyle.
Can I say I am never attracted to a woman now? Absolutely not. I am. But I know that it's not an option and I am even disgusted (excuse the strong language but I feel like I can because the disgust is not coming from a place of naivete.) at frum woman who give into those desires.
These days many people really do not know how to hold themselves back and do the right thing rather than what feels nice.
I believe at the impressionable age of 14, someone can definitely explain to this young girl that the desire in itself is okay to have - she is not crazy or insane, yet it is not something that can be acted upon. The same way she wouldn't eat a candy bar that doesn't have a hechsher on it, even if it looks really yummy and tempting.

sneakermom

Thu, Oct 01 2015, 8:37 am

I am glad she felt safe to share something that's really been troubling her. She's only fourteen and it's normal to go through all kinds of teenage angst.

I am very curious as to what made her feel this way. Was it exposure to media? Does she have a friend that came onto her s-xually? What's her relationship like with her father?

I would tell her that in life it's normal to go through all kinds of experiences. Sometimes they hit us hard. Make us feel really scared but then we process it and figure it out and it no longer feels so confusing and overwhelming anymore.

Like that you are validating her feelings. Making her feel normal and it gives her an opening to share more.

mummiedearest

Thu, Oct 01 2015, 8:57 am

how do you handle this?

first, realize that these two words have not changed your daughter. she is the same person she was the day before she texted you.

second, this declaration really doesn't have much to do with daily life. she is a teenager, and she is likely grumpy because she is a) uncomfortable with herself and b) she feels that she will not be accepted in the community if she is out of the box. if she's not looking for a significant other at this stage, the above are going to be the only real issues.

third, don't change anything in the way you interact with her. believe it or not, her future marriage is not something you need to worry about. if she's interested when she's old enough, you can help her find a husband. if not, not. making her listen to extra shiurim and monitoring her tablet further is a form of punishment. why would you punish her for having feelings? seriously, you're going to lose trust in an otherwise trustworthy teen just because she's questioning her s-xuality? limiting her exposure is not going to take away any knowledge she already has. it would just enforce item b above in her mind. if her own mother won't accept her, she knows the community at large won't. fastest way to alienate a child.

this admission on her part does not have to have a bad affect on any future relationship of hers, so stop freaking out. you're doing exactly what she's doing, but she's a teen and you're an adult. she needs you to be calm, to help her calm down. take a deep breath and listen when she's ready to talk. don't say anything negative, and don't force any other idea down her throat. just show her that you can be relaxed about the idea. otherwise, she may never be relaxed about it.

amother

Aquamarine

Thu, Oct 01 2015, 9:21 am

Original poster here

Thank you so much, all of you for your replies. I feel a lot better as I've come away with something helpful from most of your posts. I really appreciate it.

In regards to the extra shiurim and tablet monitoring, as mentioned earlier in the past people may have had these feelings but managed to put them aside and move on with their lives as Torah doesn't allow to act on them either way. In the current climate however it's made to seem a lot more normal and one is encouraged to embrace these feelings and act on them.
This is why I'm afraid the internet has contributed to her feeling this way. I feel it has encouraged her to think more about it and dwell on it whereas she may not have put much thought into it without those influences. I want her to be more immersed in spirituality and yidishkeit because I feel it's missing for her. She doesn't daven unless I remind her, she doesn't show interest in listening when we share divrei torah at the table and talks a lot about secular stuff that shouldn't really be a part of her life. I know I can't force it on her and I probably have to work on myself to be a better example. Daven in front of her and such.
I'm not implying it will change her but I feel it will make a difference in her approach and attitude. I'm still having a hard time believing she could already decide that about herself. I'm not sure she understands what it implies.

amother

Salmon

Thu, Oct 01 2015, 9:24 am

amother wrote:

I am thinking to insist she takes on extra shiurim and I plan on monitoring more carefully what she does on her tablet, but I don't want her to feel like it means I don't love or accept her.

I have no comments about bis-xuals, but I couldn't pass by this quoted sentence without commenting.

NOBODY should have a tablet that is not monitored regularly. IMO, even adults. But certainly teenagers. Internet is a dangerous thing. It has filled many minds with filth. Please make sure you have a great filter for your internet service at home, and also monitor her use of the tablet- but never make her feel like it's because she did anything wrong. As far as we know, she didn't. Just monitor everyone's internet usage because of how dangerous it is for the Klal.

mummiedearest

Thu, Oct 01 2015, 9:34 am

amother wrote:

and what does it imply, op? I ask in all seriousness. she's 14. she thinks about s-xual attraction. so do most other 14-year-olds. the only implication I see here is that she trusts her mother with her feelings. that's huge, in a really good way.

she's not interested in davening? not everyone is. I never was. not in a formal way. monitoring tefilla time for a kid who does not feel connected that way will backfire. and a lot of people (good, frum adults) don't connect in that "spiritual" way. I see beauty in the practical aspects of religion, not the "inspirational." I don't know what secular stuff she talks about, but once it's part of her life, she's the only one who can remove it. I'm sure she can figure out how to access the internet without your permission if you take it from her at home. if the internet has planted this idea in her brain and it is not true, she'll figure it out. I assume you already have some sort of filtering/monitoring system in place on your teen's tablet anyway. I really wouldn't reduce trust over this. if she listens to music you don't approve of, fine. make rules regarding appropriate music. limiting her privileges because she thinks she's bisexual is just mean.

amother

Taupe

Thu, Oct 01 2015, 9:38 am

amother wrote:

I think I neglected to mention in my first post that I too have a DD who came to me a few years ago and told me she was bis-xual. She was 15 1/2 at the time.
My reaction, like yours, was to tell her I love her no matter what and to explain that these feelings might be fluid at her age.
A few years have passed and she still identifies as bis-xual.
She herself has admitted that the internet played a huge part in her being exposed to the idea of bis-xuality and all the associated cultural baggage and norms. She is our oldest and we were a bit naive as to what was out there on the internet. She didn't even have a tablet or a computer of her own. Just some carefully alloted time on the 'kids' computer' and no filter embarrassed

We have become much more careful with our younger kids since then.
OP, it is not easy. Your DD is still very young and things might well change.
If they don't, you will have to come to terms, among many other things, with the loss of the dream of what type of family life you would have liked for your DD.
This is a biggie, even in our changing world, and let no one tell you otherwise.