How young can a child be emotionally damaged?

PAMOM

Thu, Oct 01 2015, 11:44 am

OP, first, exhale. Then consider calling a therapist to help make sure you're not getting ppd but think it's normal first-baby stuff.
Next--if you're holding your baby and he's looking around, that's good. I'll be happy to tell you the developmental reasons or you can take my word for it. I assume he's not looking at blank walls, right? One-month babies don't need to be read to. While you hold him as he nurses, you can sing to him (songs you like --my first heard a lot of James Taylor), talk to
him, etc. if he's fussy and just wants to be held , you can sit in a rocker with him and read (did that --lots of Agatha Christie). When he's asleep, it's becsyse he's sleepy. First DC nursed every 2 hours around the clock at this age and slept almost all the rest of the time. Do you have something he can lie in or on that has little toys attached. Put that in the room with you when you do things and let him discover more. As for crying for 3 minutes? What do you think we do when we have to shower or go to the bathroom? Put them in the crib at this age after they've been fed and changed. OP, take care of yourself. Kids need that the most.

amother

Puce

Thu, Oct 01 2015, 11:56 am

You keep him safe.
You keep him clean.
You keep him fed.

You're wonderful. You have some perfectionist ideas and you're being extremely hard on yourself. I would love to hear any woman here who is diagnosing OP that they never had a week of just getting things done and feeling tired and frustrated.

As long as baby is safe and healthy, don't get terrified if you sometimes want to be alone. If you accept the idea that it's normal to have moments when you experience an emotion other than adoration for your baby, I think that will already help you feel a lot better.

israelgirl

Thu, Oct 01 2015, 11:58 am

My opinion? Your biggest flaw is your expectations of yourself. My mom is always doubting herself and critisizing herself, and I think that was the biggest flaw in my upbringing!
You need to be confident in your ability to be a loving mother. You need to realize that having a one month old is draining and you need to take time FOR YOURSELF, BY YOURSELF to do stuff you enjoy WITHOUT FEELING GUILTY!!! I think if you take care of yourself, you will find yourself drawing closer/having more emotional energy for your baby.
You also mentioned having waited a long time for your child. Sounds like during that time you may have built expectations of how wonderful and la la it would be once your baby arrives, and you as a perfect mother. Now that you aren't CONSTANTLY cuddling/smiling etc your down...
Also-love develops. Give it time to do so. Does your husband feel you are being emotionally absent to him as well? Or is it specifically a disinterest in the baby? Please don't feel bad about the previous posters comment-as clearly no one here understands what she's talking about in regard to this.

Good luck! Newborns are tough! Physcially and Emotionally (though wonderful as well)

m in Israel

Thu, Oct 01 2015, 1:16 pm

amother wrote:

even though my general affection is suffering, I still do try. everyday during his first morning feeding I sing parts of davening with him in my lap while he is eating and looking into my eyes. maybe he is just getting older and more developed and therefore more interested in other things, but I feel like he's looking at me less and looking around the room more. he still makes eye contact most of the time when im looking at him. but maybe his vision is improving and he can see more things around him too? I cant wait until he can smile and it means something more than a random expression. I think it will make it easier for me to bond with him. its hard to understand social cues when your baby doesnt really HAVE the same cues... you know what I mean? when I can tell his emotion better based on his face, it will be easier to know how to respond to him in each moment.

after I posted this thread I took him out of the baby swing (he was sleeping) to cuddle him in my arms, but of course then he woke up and he was hungry, so I fed him. now he's slightly cranky. I guess it was well intentioned, but let a sleeping baby be.

You got this right! How would you feel if you were sleeping and someone woke you up? Likely cranky as well Very Happy

One month old baby's need lots of sleep (between 12 and 18 hours in a 24 hour period). Scientific studies are actually beginning to find that sleep plays a critical role in brain development. So the fact that your baby is spending lots of time sleeping is good -- and no, don't wake him up!

The fact that he is looking around the room is also a good sign, not a bad one. I think you have to worry a lot less about how to respond "in each moment" and definitely worry a lot less about "how to bond." Focus on making sure his needs AND your needs are met, and then don't stress. Babies do learn trust and attachment at a very young age (maybe the previous poster was referring to Erikson's trust v. mistrust stage when she said that), but it is much more about having basic needs met (which do include the need for warmth and affection on a basic level) then having a "perfect" mother. Additionally those needs can be met by ANY caretaker. As long as you are not abusive, if you are the one who does more of the feeding and while your husband does more of the smiling, your baby will be perfectly fine. And likely you will find that with a bit more time and a bit less self-pressure, you will develop that "bond" that you are trying so hard to create.

I agree that you should definitely speak to someone about the possibility of PPD, not because of anything you are doing (none of your descriptions about your interactions with your baby seem problematic), but because of the way you are feeling. This extreme panic that you are not doing a good enough job is definitely NOT healthy and may be indicative of PPD.

chavs

Thu, Oct 01 2015, 2:50 pm

Op I've experienced ppd and it sounds like you have ppd, not because you are doing anything wrong because it doesn't sound like you are but because of how you view yourself and the questions you have.
You are not feeling bonded to your baby right now, that's fine, it won't last and has no affect on your lo. You are the one I'm worried about. You don't need to feel like this, believe me, you can connect with and enjoy your baby and life but you need to take matters into your own hands right now. Make am appointment with your doctor and discuss how you feel. Your doctor might decide to put you on medication (if you are nursing, don't worry there are meds that are safe), or your doctor might recommend cbt, or both.
Please go today if you can get an appointment or tomorrow. You'll starts to feel better quickly and you'll see yourself as you are again. You deserve to feel better and you are not alone. 1 in 4 women struggle with ppd and it's not their fault, they didn't do anything wrong and neither did you. Now you know please get help. I'm sending you hugs!

Btw the fact that you wrote this post show that you are a good mum who cares and tries.
I'm not gonna go into the fact that babies don't need much at this age least of all being read to our shown the world, all I can tell you is that when I was in the fog of depression I had similar unrealistic views about what my baby needed and more importantly how I was failing. It was awful and it was the depression talking. Please get help, you don't need to continue like this, it will get better.

chavs

Thu, Oct 01 2015, 2:55 pm

simchat wrote:

I agree with every word of your REALISTIC post, Marina. Added to that, I personally found bonding and knowing what to do with my first the hardest and having her was the biggest adjustment of my life. A huge blessing, but overwhelming nonetheless. You sound like you`re doing great OP.

I think that there isn't enough awareness of the fact that not everyone loves their baby or bonds with their baby immediately. It's a new person and a new relationship that takes time. I personally know not to expect fireworks kind of love instantly when I have a new baby and that love grows. I'm able to give my baby what they need and parent them well without feeling overwhelmed with love and warm feelings and it's OK. It comes, it airways has. The guilt is the worst thing and if more ppl were open about not feeling it straight away I think some of that guilt would leave and we, as mothers, could get on with taking care of our children and ourselves and do the fantastic job that we are doing and let the love grow.

Peanut2

Thu, Oct 01 2015, 9:01 pm

heidi wrote:

Glad I'm not your kid.

What's your issue Heidi?

Mothers aren't perfect. We all try our best but we are people, too, and that can be true for many amazing mothers. A mother might be tired and falling asleep at the end of the say, or working hard or going through personal difficulties, or lost a loved one, or going through PPD or anything and still be an amazing mom. Just as we recommend that the OP seek professional help, I'm wondering whether there is something in your own life - present or past - that's bothering you? Perhaps talking to someone might be a good idea here, too. No mother is perfect but that doesn't mean all mothers are abusive.

HindaRochel

Fri, Oct 02 2015, 12:16 am

Okay hon, listen up.

Of course babies can be damaged from a young age, but not by anything you are doing. At least the kind of damage you are talking about.

It does sound like you may have PPD - Postpartum Depression.

Talk to someone.

In the meantime; you can't keep your child in a bubble of safety and joy. Ever. That is damaging as well. Showing your child from the get go that you are a human being is healthy for the child. That's real life. Children will; get scratched, frustrated, bruises, hungry, tired, sad, angry, fall down, have a stomach ache, and all sorts of normal life things. All these things are "damages" and all these things are real life.

No I don't suggest you deliberately hurt your child but do let them live, and to let them live means to experience the downside as well. That means they will learn that not everything they want gets to them immediately as soon as they want it, or even need it! That means they learn that Moms and Dads are human as well. That means they learn to fall down and get back up because it isn't so horrible after all. That means they learn that fire is hot and to be careful around it, that parents sometimes feel sad and they can give you a hug, that the cat might scratch if they play with him too rough, that so many times life is just not "Pleasantville" but life.

You aren't G-d. Don't demand that you be G-d. G-d kind of frowns on people assuming that role. Your child isn't living in gan eden, and IM"H has 120 before he does.

Till then human, residents of earth.