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Shabbos invite
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amother


 

Post Fri, Jul 06 2007, 6:00 am
Someone called my husband during the begining of the week and asked him if we wanted to come for shabbos. He said he wants to come, but has to discuss it with me first. He discussed it with me and I agreed to come.

Thursday night, my husband calls just to check last minute stuff regarding coming, and our "host" said that we never told her final that we were coming, and that she just assumed we werent coming because my husband never called her back. My husband said he was waiting for her to call him back.
In the end, we didn't go away for shabbos because she hadn't prepared anything for us because she wasnt expecting us.

Who was in the right here? Should she have expected that we're coming if my husband said he wants to come, just needs to discuss it with me first? Or was my husband incorrect in assuming that we're going if he never told her the verdict after speaking with me?
Should she have called my husband to find out whats happening? Or was my husband required to call her?
Mannerwise.
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Ima'la




 
 
    
 

Post Fri, Jul 06 2007, 6:03 am
It would have been better if it had been made clearer re: who should call whom to confirm, but since he did not give her a definite answer, you (pl.) should have called to confirm. If someone does not give us a definite yes and does not get back to us, we assume that they are not coming. (And the truth is, I have found throughout life that "maybe" almost always means "no" so I think she made a reasonable assumption.) Sorry it didn't work out!
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amother


 

Post Fri, Jul 06 2007, 6:03 am
Oh, just wanted to add- I had NOTHING in my house to make for shabbos because I was planning on going away and wasnt planning on making shabbos.
Our host was planning on making shabbos regardless, if we had come, it would just mean having to cook for two extra people.

We found out on thursday night at 11 pm that we couldn't go for shabbos.

Should our host had told us to come anyhow because of the mix up?
Or was it our fault and its just too bad that there was nothing at home to make for shabbos?
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amother


 

Post Fri, Jul 06 2007, 6:04 am
Oh, and she hadn't cooked for shabbos yet when we called thursday night.
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rosehill




 
 
    
 

Post Fri, Jul 06 2007, 6:10 am
I don't think this is an issue of "who's right?", or who is at fault. I think it was just a silly misunderstanding.
I understand how difficult it is to make Shabbes at a moment's notice, but if it's just the two of you, you can just have challah, scavenge something from the freezer, and maybe buy a salad/kugel.
It's irritating, but try not to stay mad at this person. It isn't worthwhile. Maybe in the interim she had invited other people, or didn't feel well, and that's why she didn't just say to come anyway.
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BeershevaBubby




 
 
    
 

Post Fri, Jul 06 2007, 6:11 am
Why can't you cook on Friday?

And if I were to invite someone and they told me maybe, I'd expect them to call me back by Wednesday to confirm or refuse the invitation.
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amother


 

Post Fri, Jul 06 2007, 6:14 am
I'm definitely not mad at her. I understand, she didnt expect us to come.

But my question was pretty much- in the future, who is the one who is required to get back to the other- does the host call to check if you're coming, or do you call the host to tell them final...


She didn't say we couldnt come. She said we could, but was making us feel very guilty about it. So we scheduled it for next week.

And not everyone lives somewhere where you can just buy takeout or get a challah on a moment's notice. I don't live near any take out place, and I had already done my weekly shopping thursday afternoon, purposely not getting any food I could make for shabbos...
And no, I didn't have anything in the freezer.
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DefyGravity




 
 
    
 

Post Fri, Jul 06 2007, 6:22 am
Your or your husband definitely should have been the ones to call her back. However, since you didn't get back early enough, she should have called to touch base.

However - it was definitely rude of her to rescind her invitation when she didn't hear back. She should have assumed you were coming unless hearing otherwise.
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rosehill




 
 
    
 

Post Fri, Jul 06 2007, 6:41 am
Lesson Learned:
If you're a host who hasn't heard back from your guests, or a guest who hasn't heard back from your host, give a call on Wednesday to confirm.
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amother


 

Post Fri, Jul 06 2007, 6:44 am
Sorry, but you call Thursday night to confirm? That's way too late. If someone didn't confirm before Thursday, I would assume they're not coming. How can you confirm so late? When do you want her to cook for you?
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cdawnr




 
 
    
 

Post Fri, Jul 06 2007, 7:11 am
have to say I think that it was your (you ro your dh)'s responsibility to get back to the people. THey extended the invite and dh said he had to check...that to me means that he will let the host know.

If I were the hostess, however, I probably would have called on Thursday feeling neurotic not knowing a def answer but mostly assuming it is a no.
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greenfire




 
 
    
 

Post Fri, Jul 06 2007, 7:15 am
hey I don't think any of these rules are set in stone ... people do what is good for them ... albeit you would have liked to still go - your hose likes ample time to prepare ... go out now while it is still early and make shabbos ... the day is long ...

I myself was a little stuck last shabbos and asked for literally last minute invitations ... what I expected was only what one could handle not to elaborate for last minute guests or say yes if it was not possible ... turns out I had a wonderful shabbos and 3 wonderful hosts at the last minute ... included basHinda ...

I myself would have said come anyway ... could be these people couldn't do that ...
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Raisin




 
 
    
 

Post Fri, Jul 06 2007, 7:37 am
I think it is your job to call back. The host can check up if she wants, but she doesn't need to. It sounds like she has got a household to take care of while you have just got the 2 of you.

It is not just food - she has to make up beds, make sure the house is tidy, maybe she cooks a very simple shabbos when there are no guests.

It is pretty clear from what you wroote that she was waiting for you to call back. She was probably busy and just assumed you are not coming.
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shalhevet




 
 
    
 

Post Fri, Jul 06 2007, 7:57 am
amother wrote:
Oh, just wanted to add- I had NOTHING in my house to make for shabbos because I was planning on going away and wasnt planning on making shabbos.
Our host was planning on making shabbos regardless, if we had come, it would just mean having to cook for two extra people.

We found out on thursday night at 11 pm that we couldn't go for shabbos.

Should our host had told us to come anyhow because of the mix up?
Or was it our fault and its just too bad that there was nothing at home to make for shabbos?


If you live in the Northern Hemisphere, Fridays are very long now. Why do you think it was fine for her to find out at 11pm on Thursday, but for you that was too close to Shabbos?

If I had invited you and you hadn't called back the next day I would have assumed you weren't coming. Someone already said that maybe they had invited someone else meanwhile. Even if there's physically room, sometimes people have to plan guest combinations if they are appropriate. Or if you were supposed to be sleeping at their house, maybe those beds are now taken. Maybe someone invited them out for a meal and they said yes, thinking they had no guests. The possibilities are endless.
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Ima'la




 
 
    
 

Post Fri, Jul 06 2007, 7:58 am
rosehill wrote:
Lesson Learned:
If you're a host who hasn't heard back from your guests, or a guest who hasn't heard back from your host, give a call on Wednesday to confirm.


This is what I was going to say. Don't wait to hear "It's the host's responsibility" or "It's the guest's responsibility" - everyone will have different opinion's anyway - and you're in trouble if you and your host both think the other one should call! If you always consider it YOUR responsibility (whether it should be or not), it will save you trouble.
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Pickle Lady




 
 
    
 

Post Fri, Jul 06 2007, 9:01 am
Now you have learned. Before you think you are going away for shabbos and you don't prepare anything, verify this with a phone call.

Also if you are maybe having guests verify with a phone call before you consider it that they are not coming.

Once my husband called family to go to for shabbos. He told my husband that he was going to check with his wife. We never heard from them and assumed that they couldn't have us. Well he did call back and left a message on my husband's cell (my husband rarely checks his cell). He called my husband friday before shabbos to ask when we were coming and my husband was shocked because he assumed that we couldn't come becasue we didn't hear from them (but they did call us and we didn't get the message since my husband forgot to check his messages).

we learned our lesson and now you did too. You now know for next time.


Last edited by Pickle Lady on Fri, Jul 06 2007, 11:07 am; edited 1 time in total
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Mimisinger




 
 
    
 

Post Fri, Jul 06 2007, 9:41 am
I think it's the guests obligation to call back. When you get an invitation in the mail, it is your responsibility to rsvp. That's just the way it works.

I have asked people in the beg. of the week and have gotten calls of Friday afternoon that they were finally going to come. I think that's rude. Thursday evening is too late also. It doesn't matter if the host cooked or not, you don't know her schedule. And, like others said, when I don't have guests, I plan a very simple shabbos as dh and I are trying to lose weight. Thus, we make absolutely no extra food, otherwise it will get eaten. I had someone call me a couple of weeks ago and invited herself on Thursday late at night. I had already gone shopping and I told her she couldn't come. I had 4 pieces of chicken - 2 for each night. Anyway, I felt guilty that she wasn't going to have a place to go, so I defrosted some chicken, added some salads and other food and called her back to tell her to please come. AND, this was not staying over for shabbos! That includes, making sure the guest room is up to par, having clean sheets, etc., etc., etc. And, you have to make it nice or other women on imamother are sure to complain about the lack of amenities Twisted Evil .

Anyway, it's your responsibility. You prob. made HER feel guilty calling at 11 on Thurs. night.

Lesson learned: Have food in the freezer just in case someone calls at 11 pm. on Thursday inviting themselves over Very Happy
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chocolate moose




 
 
    
 

Post Fri, Jul 06 2007, 10:20 am
I'm with Mimi. Diet or budget notwithstanding, not everyone can plan, shop and cook on Fridays! It's the guests' responsibility to call, and early!
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greenfire




 
 
    
 

Post Fri, Jul 06 2007, 2:03 pm
oh please ... sometimes life just happens unexpectedly ... you guys have to realize that some people are needy even at the last minute ... right chocolate moose ... even if you guys cannot understand ... others also prepare for the whole world and and extra guest or 3 wouldn't make a difference ... while others might not have prepared at all yet can whip up an interesting meal ... and just enjoy the company ... things happen ... for example if I wouldn't have been bold last week ... I might not have had shabbos ... sometimes it just happens ...
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chocolate moose




 
 
    
 

Post Fri, Jul 06 2007, 2:05 pm
Green, what do these words mean?

[quote="chocolate moose"]..............not everyone....................... can plan, shop and cook on Fridays! /quote]
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