Power Struggles with my 16 month old DD!

June

Tue, Nov 03 2015, 3:19 am

My dd is a delicious, precocious little girl who melts my heart multiple times an hour. But she is also very stubborn and we (both DH and I) keep finding ourselves in serious power struggles with her.

I'm looking for a parenting book or lecture that teaches how to avoid falling into one. Any ideas?

Dolly Welsh

Tue, Nov 03 2015, 3:32 am

Get some advice from the ped.

There is a book about "oppositional child" I think.

Just make sure it isn't you. You aren't one of those neat people, are you? It isnt' toilet training is it? The ped has physically seen you and the kid relate to each other and may have a valuable perspective. ASK the ped, "is my kid unusually stubborn?"

I am assuming it's your first child.

It may be the KID who needs a book. You mention she is smart. Smart people who are not being given enough to learn and work with intellectually can be very difficult INDEED. There is NOTHING to do but give them materials to work with. For them, it's like waiting in the Motor Vehice Department with no paperback or newspaper. Hell on earth.

Lay in piles of National Geographic magazines and toys. Lots of things you are sure are too advanced for her.

mandksima

Tue, Nov 03 2015, 3:35 am

The best parenting classes for all mothers is Shefer IMO. They have them all over the country. Our local instructor has Hebrew and English classes and my life is totally different after them. Mothering would be so much easier if we all took this course before kids or when our first was a baby!
Mercaz Shefer

chani8

Tue, Nov 03 2015, 3:46 am

Had you posted as amother, I would've read this and thought, she needs attachment parenting philosophy. But that would be the opposite of what you need, because IIRC, you already are an attached parent.

So my guess is that you are being too sensitive and unsure. Power struggles with a toddler can mean mom and dad are not being clear enough and giving too many choices, and giving too much power over to the toddler. When you need to be firm and clear, even if she them needs to scream her feelings out at the boundaries.

You seem like an emotional person, yourself. So allow your child to have her emotions, too. But being emotional doesn't mean getting your way. And being angry or upset doesn't mean mom and dad are wrong about the boundary. Have your feelings, dear toddler, because, that's life.

June

Tue, Nov 03 2015, 6:02 am

chani8, I think I am unsure about my parenting and boundaries.

What is the proper response when she starts throwing food because I asked her to pick up what she dropped before she could sit on my lap? Is that too detailed and unclear for her?

chani8

Tue, Nov 03 2015, 6:20 am

June wrote:

Oh, I see. Do check out Attachment Parenting: http://attachmentparenting.org.....ents/

To answer your question, I think it's more than detailed and unclear, it's expecting too much, and punishing. To be blunt. Wink

Take the child away from the problem and direct them to do something positive.

Clean up the mess yourself or make it a fun-thing-to-do-together. Since you are busy cleaning up, the sitting on your lap will have to wait a few minutes. No rush.

5*Mom

Tue, Nov 03 2015, 1:34 pm

I know it may not seem this way when it's your first child but 16 months is very, very, VERY little. She may be called a toddler but that pretty much just means she's a baby who can walk. Rather than looking for *discipline strategies* at this tender age, I think it's so important for parents to understand the stages of brain development, so we know what our children are developmentally able to do--physically, cognitively, socially, emotionally, behaviorally--at different ages and what we can and can't reasonably expect of them, and also what they need from us in order to support and foster their healthy development.

amother

Pink

Tue, Nov 03 2015, 2:21 pm

I'm not sure she can understand consequences At this stage. She's qay young. My DD is a bit older than yours and though very developed and advanced- isn't ready for this yet. If I see she's about to spill food I would say very firmly : NO spilling. I see it's starting to affect her and many times she won't do it but other times she will and I would just say : oh no, mommy doesn't let.
I tried to do what you do with my oldest when he was too young and I saw no results. I waited longer and bh it worked .

MagentaYenta

Tue, Nov 03 2015, 2:45 pm

A 16 mo old child is developing independence and an ego. They are learning how they can impact the lives of others around them and learning how people react to situations. Children this small usually doesn't have the language to express themselves or the mental development to assess their feelings. Discipline doesn't really figure into controlling these behaviors since a child this age can't even understand what discipline is. It's merely a type of reaction.

I agree with those that use distraction and then turn clean up into a task that gets a song or perhaps a new bedtime story.

Last edited by MagentaYenta on Tue, Nov 03 2015, 3:19 pm; edited 1 time in total

chani8

Tue, Nov 03 2015, 3:16 pm

Dont say no unless you really have to. And if you have a bad habit of saying no too much, it's ok to 'change your mind' because . . .

Consistancy is overrated. Better to be inconsistant and kind, than consistantly mean.

5*Mom

Tue, Nov 03 2015, 3:22 pm

chani8 wrote:

THIS!

FranticFrummie

Tue, Nov 03 2015, 3:24 pm

I'm wondering how you can have a power struggle with a BABY?

It sounds more like you're having a struggle with yourself, and finding your own parenting style. You need to learn what expectations are age appropriate, and how to deal with that.

I agree 100% with Chani8. Please find some good books and parenting courses to help you feel good about your choices. Once you are confident and feeling empowered, 99% of your "struggles" will be solved.

(The other 1% will be epic tantrums, but you'll have a better handle on how to deal with them, too. Wink

)

luppamom

Tue, Nov 03 2015, 3:39 pm

FranticFrummie wrote:

)

You can. My DD, also 16 months, decided she was 2 (or 22) the day she turned 1. Now, she isn't 2 and I can't let her act like she's 2 or she would seriously be in danger. Thus, we have power struggles. I try to minimize them and try to give her autonomy, but there is a limit. (No, she cannot turn on the stove just b/c Mommy does it.)

Dolly Welsh

Tue, Nov 03 2015, 7:33 pm

Children must be kept out of kitchens and bathrooms. They are dangerous places. And they have a lamentable habit of falling down stairs, and of climbing stairs until they then fall back down them. Gates, top and bottom.

A playpen where they can see and chat with you may be useful. Don't leave stuff in it if you are not in the room. They may rub two toys together to make fire.

Let kids be kids.

June

Wed, Nov 04 2015, 2:12 am

luppamom wrote:

OMG this is exactly my baby.

And in the example I gave, it wasn't really a punishment. When she drops food off her highchair I take her out and we clean it up together. She usually cooperates. That time she decided to start mushing it into the floor instead of helping me pick it up. And then when I tried to redirect her she wanted to come on my lap. I told her we still need to put the food back on the table (we get ants reeeeally quickly) and then she could sit on my lap. So she started picking up the food and throwing it.

But yes, this is my first child and BH she's really advanced so it's hard to remember that she's still a tiny baby. I appreciate all the posts and links/recommendation, lots to think about.

chavs

Wed, Nov 04 2015, 5:08 am

My little one is 14 months and a typical 14 month old delight at that, meaning he loves to mush and throw food, he wants everything I have, he tries to go places he can't just yet and he has even started having little tantrums when things don't go his way.
Yes boundaries are important but so is remembering how little he actually still is.
When he starts throwing food, as an example, I offer him a drink as he sometimes does this when he is thirsty, if he continues dinner is finished and I clean up. He is too little to appreciate that he needs to help clear his mess although he does mimic cleaning at times.
When he manages to take things he can't, we take them away from him and say that they are not safe or not fit him or whatever, he might have a little tantrum and that that's OK. We give him something else to focus on (although he is a very focused little one so is hard to redirect).
Important is to be consistent and from the sounds of it remember that they are little and not to be afraid of putting I in boundaries either.
It's OK to say "mummy needs to clean and will put baby on lap after " but I wouldn't expect a 16 month old to help you clean.