Does anyone here know a big Rav that I can call?

zaq

Sun, Nov 08 2015, 1:57 pm

amother wrote:

OK zaq, but the person I hold a grudge against has also had a couple kids in the past few years. (The other is a man.)

And this proves...what? Maybe the people you begrudge have so much Heavenly merit that your puny grudge only makes their pantyhose run the first time they wear them. Maybe your grudges are completely unjustified and therefore have no power to muster Middat haDin. Maybe you have done so many bad things that your grudges have no power at all, not even to make their pantyhose snag, let alone run. You know, don't you, that the ordeal of sotah works only if the accuser, iow the sotah's husband, is on the up-and-up. If he's fooling around himself, the bitter waters have no power over his wife even if she's guilty.

Now I don't claim to believe in any of this grudge-holding stuff. As a rationalist I believe in consulting a halachic authority for halachic questions and medical authorities for medical questions. I am just telling you what some people believe and why the PP was told to apologize to someone she hurt in her past. For all I know there may be a sound psychological basis to it all. Subconsciously the PP may know that she hurt someone and therefore believes herself undeserving of having children. This, in turn affects her hormonal functioning. Why she should choose this punishment rather than something else (why not have all her hair and teeth fall out, instead?) is anyone's guess. I'm not about to speculate.

Or this may ALL be a shipload of malarkey and have nothing to do with anything the PP did or did not do but just another part of G-d's baffling plan that is over all our heads, just as it makes no sense to us that an innocent child should be afflicted with a dreadful disease that kills him before he even reaches the age of reason.

See, people are always looking for the "why?" of things. They are uncomfortable with the feeling that sometimes there is nothing they can do about a situation. So they look for reasons why. Their "reasons" may be completely off base, but it's comforting to think there is a reason they can understand. It gives the sufferers a sense of having some control, and it gives others a sense of safety. "
Soandso died young, but you know she drank a lot of Coca-Cola. I never drink Coca-Cola so I'm safe. Soandso's son went OTD and ended up in jail, but she was a very permissive parent. I'm strict so that can't happen to me. Soandso got mugged, but she took a large sum of cash out of the bank early in the morning. I never carry cash so I have nothing to worry about."

This is called "magical thinking" and there's a lot of that going around here.

Chayalle

Mon, Nov 09 2015, 7:11 am

amother wrote:

In the case of the brother asking the sister for mechila cuz he skipped her, the sister made fun of him. She said of course I forgave you. But he asked her to please say it. This happened years ago, and yes, the sister was very hurt. Because not only did he not ask but she found out about his engagement from the neighbor. He was living in a different country at the time and didn't have a chance to ask her. But it definitely hurt.

I find this to be...I don't know, I can't think of a better word than shocking. I have heard of asking "permission" of a sibling if you are the same gender - in fact, I cheerfully told my younger sister to start dating when she reached the age of shidduchim and I was still single though I never felt she needed my "permission" to move on with her life.

I did get married first - but I never even heard of it with opposite genders. My older brother was still single, and he told me how much he liked DH - they are the same age - and how happy he was for me. There wasn't a "permission" concept involved.

Many boys don't even date yet when their younger sisters graduate and start dating.

But the whole asking permission business has no basis in halacha, afaik. No one should hold someone else back from going on with their life. Maybe the expectation of this "permission" business - feeling entitled to marry first just by virtue of order of birth - is faulty at the core and creates situations where a person could be holding a grudge.

Chayalle

Mon, Nov 09 2015, 7:18 am

As someone who has been thru IF, the posts on here that make the most sense are:

*go to an RE
*if you are in Lakewood, Rabbi Gissinger is the most knowledgeable in IF issues. The way to get hold of him is, I don't know, park on his driveway and sit there till he comes home. Wherever you are located, you can benefit from speaking to a Rav who is knowledgeable in IF matters. They can have advice, ideas, etc...Find out who you can speak to.
*Join ATIME. Sign up at their website. You will get a wealth of support and information. You can find others with similar dx and what worked for them, or what didn't work for them.
*as per my Rav, the biggest segulos for ANYTHING anyone needs are Teshuva, Tefillah, and Tzedaka.

amother

Natural

Sun, Mar 20 2016, 8:36 am

Chayalle wrote:

Chayalle, if you don't find my question too personal: do you mind sharing the name of your rav? I find your posts very intelligent and insightful and imagine that you chose a rav that understands various issues that others may not even be familiar with.