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So how big is your diamond!!!!
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sprayonlove




 
 
    
 

Post Sat, Nov 14 2015, 2:56 pm
return2You wrote:

I had a friend who had that and she felt ashamed by her wedding, she couldn't measure up to society's standards, and she felt like she never really had the wedding of her dreams.


👆 this. Totally agree because it happened to me as well. I wish we had splurged on flowers and decor. I feel a little bit sad when I think about my wedding, because it wasn't the wedding of my dreams. And that's sad because you only get married once.
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zaq




 
 
    
 

Post Sat, Nov 14 2015, 7:12 pm
sprayonlove wrote:
And that's sad because you only get married once.


correction: you only get married for the first time once. Some people get married several times.
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kerida




 
 
    
 

Post Sat, Nov 14 2015, 7:14 pm
Sure its lovely to have a pretty fun-filled wedding, but there is a trend to become so used to materialism and the effect it has on our community that those not able to keep up feel a stigma, hence even tzedaka collections to make a kallah feel she can keep up with the Cohens, not to mention the lack of respect and appreciation for individual taste and being true to one's self.

If there are threads on here about little girls needing the same bags,shoes and accessories as their schoolmates, and grown up women vent about feeling left out because they lack funds for a sheitel or a shabbos outfit, something is wrong in society. I do not understand how with the growth of Torah learning and education core values and a sense of pride in one self are not taught to young kids. Parents are obsessed with fitting in, and making their innocent kids the same, it is nice to belong, nice to participate and to share, but merely fitting in is plain sheep-like.

Enjoy your weddings and teach your poor little girls how to be themselves, so when they become mothers, they are not worried about reducing their children to pawns in a game of how does it look. I am anon because I have voiced m
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amother
Plum


 

Post Sat, Nov 14 2015, 7:14 pm
Sure its lovely to have a pretty fun-filled wedding, but there is a trend to become so used to materialism and the effect it has on our community that those not able to keep up feel a stigma, hence even tzedaka collections to make a kallah feel she can keep up with the Cohens, not to mention the lack of respect and appreciation for individual taste and being true to one's self.

If there are threads on here about little girls needing the same bags,shoes and accessories as their schoolmates, and grown up women vent about feeling left out because they lack funds for a sheitel or a shabbos outfit, something is wrong in society. I do not understand how with the growth of Torah learning and education core values and a sense of pride in one self are not taught to young kids. Parents are obsessed with fitting in, and making their innocent kids the same, it is nice to belong, nice to participate and to share, but merely fitting in is plain sheep-like.

Enjoy your weddings and teach your poor little girls how to be themselves, so when they become mothers, they are not worried about reducing their children to pawns in a game of how does it look.
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November




 
 
    
 

Post Sat, Nov 14 2015, 7:19 pm
It all depends on what you think the point of your wedding is. If it's to make you feel like a princess in a fairy-tale, you are going to look at things differently than if the point is to celebrate the beginning of a new stage in life.
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Dolly Welsh




 
 
    
 

Post Sat, Nov 14 2015, 8:16 pm
"Lastly, (sorry for long rant) I was engaged at the same time as another girl in my office. My boss approached me a few weeks before my wedding and said, I'm so surprised at the difference between the both of you. Whenever you talk about your husband to be you are shining and excited. She on the other hand hasn't mentioned him once in all the pre wedding chatter. She is clearly excited about her expensive ring, her perfect dress, her 3 shaitels, her diamond watch and tennis bracelet. But she doesn't seem to realise it's all about her and her future husband. "

Ugh. It's nobody's business to talk like this. Lashon ha Ra. What a disgusting comment. I am sorry you had to hear it. Nobody can possibly know what's in a bride's head, and the bride being slimed above may have found it easier to talk about physical things than an intimate emotional relationship.

I suppose one is to supposed to smile mildly and turn around and go get coffee. I am sure you did not join in, by saying " Oh ! Well ! I guess different people have different levels of materialism!"

Of course that bride enjoys her nice stuff. It might have been more discreet of her not to list them all day, but her indiscretion is exceeded by the boss's comment about her. How utterly cruel of the boss. All brides gush in their own way. Apparently this bride's gushing did not meet the minutely attentive boss's standards of correct gushing. Disgusting!

I am sure you do not feel so great about the scritinizing comparisons made by this scrutinizing boss. "Comparisons are odious," says the proverb. Now you know you are constantly being evaluated and compared to everybody. Charming. That you got a gold star this time does not reassure you.

Lashon Ha Ra causes bad dreams.
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zaq




 
 
    
 

Post Sat, Nov 14 2015, 8:58 pm
amother wrote:


Lastly, (sorry for long rant) I was engaged at the same time as another girl in my office. My boss approached me a few weeks before my wedding and said, I'm so surprised at the difference between the both of you. Whenever you talk about your husband to be you are shining and excited. She on the other hand hasn't mentioned him once in all the pre wedding chatter. She is clearly excited about her expensive ring, her perfect dress, her 3 shaitels, her diamond watch and tennis bracelet. But she doesn't seem to realise it's all about her and her future husband.


Somebody needs to give your boss a good talking-to. It is disgraceful and unprofessional to a. discuss one's employees' personal lives and b. gossip to one employee about another employee behind her back. I hope neither one of you still works for this person.

As it happens, the other kallah may have had a more highly developed sense of tzniut and propriety than you. She may have felt it inappropriate to talk to her coworkers about personal relationships, especially the one between her and her chosson. Rings and sheitlach are inanimate objects and one can gossip about them if one wishes. But it's nobody's business how much a kallah loves, admires and looks forward to marrying her chosson. I, personally, get a little suspicious (and nauseated) when a kallah gets too gushy about her chosson. It's not in good taste, and I always wonder what the young lady is trying to prove, and why. We do you the courtesy of assuming you're in love, otherwise why would you marry the guy? No need to hit us over the head with it.
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Dolly Welsh




 
 
    
 

Post Sat, Nov 14 2015, 9:00 pm
One can always say about a diamond, or really anything:

"oh, it's been in the family."

Your pots:

"oh. They have been in the family.

your curtains?

"oh. they have been in the family."

That kills all questions about any object.

If the questioner persists and asks who had it before you, say "oh. it's been in the family for years."

If the questioner persists after that, walk away.

LOTS OF US have jewelry and sets of pots and goldfish we are hoarding in storage for our precious brides. So this is plausible.

Vague answers are acceptable to improper questions.
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Laiya




 
 
    
 

Post Sat, Nov 14 2015, 9:18 pm
I think this gets into the question of how we relate to material things and spend money. If it's because we're afraid of how others view us, that's a problem.

If you can afford to, and spending the money brings you pleasure, what's the problem?

Obviously when it comes to chinuch (or the children you're marrying off), I'd want emphasize to my kids the difference between the pleasure brought by material things, versus the lasting pleasure brought by non-material things. Hopefully, you've been ingraining this message their entire lives--not just when they get married.
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animeme




 
 
    
 

Post Sat, Nov 14 2015, 9:57 pm
Often, it is not the kallah spending all that money on the wedding. Her parents, or grandparents want to celebrate this momentous occasion in a grand way. Not to show off, but because they are exuberant and this is how they share their joy with their friends and family. So they throw in extra money.

This does not mean that the money, if not spent on the wedding, would go to the couple. It's like asking your parents not to take you, your dh and kids on vacation with them but to give you the money instead. They are paying for the experience.

By my wedding, I was told by many, "It's your wedding but in so many ways your parents' celebration. Pick the few things most important to you and push for them, but let them choose the rest and enjoy celebrating you."
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Jeanette




 
 
    
 

Post Sat, Nov 14 2015, 10:09 pm
sprayonlove wrote:
👆 this. Totally agree because it happened to me as well. I wish we had splurged on flowers and decor. I feel a little bit sad when I think about my wedding, because it wasn't the wedding of my dreams. And that's sad because you only get married once.


Are you being tongue in cheek?

If you are otherwise happy in your marriage, then you already have the "wedding of your dreams."

Plenty of people had the flowers and decor and all the glitz. They look back sadly at their wedding day--because they realize they made a wrong choice when they married that person.
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sprayonlove




 
 
    
 

Post Sun, Nov 15 2015, 2:27 am
zaq wrote:
correction: you only get married for the first time once. Some people get married several times.


Well I was talking about myself. I got married to only have one wedding. And that wedding was not the wedding of my dreams unfortunately. And I'll never get that chance back.
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sprayonlove




 
 
    
 

Post Sun, Nov 15 2015, 2:35 am
Jeanette wrote:
Are you being tongue in cheek?

If you are otherwise happy in your marriage, then you already have the "wedding of your dreams."

Plenty of people had the flowers and decor and all the glitz. They look back sadly at their wedding day--because they realize they made a wrong choice when they married that person.


I am happy in my marriage, but when I look back at the photos a little bit of disappointment creeps in because a lot of things in my wedding didn't happen that I had dreamed of. I didn't have that pinterest-worthy wedding. I didn't even want an over the top, glamourous wedding. I just wanted a few things like a dessert table, a wedding cake, um seats at the chuppah (all my guests stood), the correct napkin color that I actually picked (the wedding hall put ivory napkins on an ivory tablecloth), flowers, a carpet runner to the chuppah, and some photos of my husbands family (photographer only photographed my family). These are things most ppl have at their weddings. Anyway sorry don't want to hijack this thread with my story.
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SacN




 
 
    
 

Post Sun, Nov 15 2015, 4:56 am
Quote:
I, personally, get a little suspicious (and nauseated) when a kallah gets too gushy about her chosson. It's not in good taste, and I always wonder what the young lady is trying to prove, and why.


Before I was married I once went away to a friend for shabbos. Her sister was engaged at the time, and the chosson was there for shabbos too.
The couple were making eyes at each other, etc, in a way that my friend and I both noticed and were uncomfortable with. They were all over each other, if that's even possibly for a shomer negia couple.

They were clearly trying to make some point about how much affection there was in their relationship to themselves, and failed.
They broke off the engagement the following week.
Being mushy gushy about your intended spouse doesn't mean anything.

I had a chessed wedding, put together through gmachim and donations. I have a very small diamond compared to my community. I BH have a healthy and growing marriage.
I wish I had better photos from my wedding, better memories of the food (which was yuck) and the music (which was not great).
I remember it being full of simcha--I feel those things would enhance my memories and have given my parents/in laws nachas, and added to the simcha even more.

There's a balance of course--but I hope to be able to afford something a little nicer for my own children. I also hope to teach them that it's the marriage that's important, not the wedding. I don't see a contradiction.
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amother
cornflower


 

Post Sun, Nov 15 2015, 5:03 am
zaq wrote:
Somebody needs to give your boss a good talking-to. It is disgraceful and unprofessional to a. discuss one's employees' personal lives and b. gossip to one employee about another employee behind her back. I hope neither one of you still works for this person.

As it happens, the other kallah may have had a more highly developed sense of tzniut and propriety than you. She may have felt it inappropriate to talk to her coworkers about personal relationships, especially the one between her and her chosson. Rings and sheitlach are inanimate objects and one can gossip about them if one wishes. But it's nobody's business how much a kallah loves, admires and looks forward to marrying her chosson. I, personally, get a little suspicious (and nauseated) when a kallah gets too gushy about her chosson. It's not in good taste, and I always wonder what the young lady is trying to prove, and why. We do you the courtesy of assuming you're in love, otherwise why would you marry the guy? No need to hit us over the head with it.


It's important to note that our boss wasn't Jewish. She merely was making a point since the other girl in the office was constantly showing everyone her tennis bracelet and other items of beauty. Whenever she approached me to tell me what else her MIL had send her she also asked me what I had been sent. I genuinely didn't care about the questions because I was just so happy with my future groom. My engagement ring was chosen my my husband and although it was cheap and tiny I genuinely absolutely love it, whilst her's I'm sure costed more than anything I've ever owned she sent it back multiple times to change tiny details I never knew existed. Of course she commented on my ring but really, I didn't notice. I think the reason my boss stepped in to say something was to ensure I didn't feel bad. I honestly didn't. I couldn't have cared less as I was over the moon about meeting Mr right. Till today I still couldn't care less. We are both still working there btw for any of you curious people. And we get along fine.
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amother
cornflower


 

Post Sun, Nov 15 2015, 5:05 am
Oh, and please don't bring ztnius into this. A person with refinement doesn't gush all day about the beautiful and expensive things they have been sent. I didn't gush all day about my wonderful husband but I suppose my happiness shone through. Sorry that makes you feel I'm untzniusdik.
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amother
Coffee


 

Post Sun, Nov 15 2015, 5:48 am
sprayonlove wrote:
I am happy in my marriage, but when I look back at the photos a little bit of disappointment creeps in because a lot of things in my wedding didn't happen that I had dreamed of. I didn't have that pinterest-worthy wedding. I didn't even want an over the top, glamourous wedding. I just wanted a few things like a dessert table, a wedding cake, um seats at the chuppah (all my guests stood), the correct napkin color that I actually picked (the wedding hall ivory napkins on an ivory tablecloth), flowers, a carpet runner to the chuppah, and some photos of my husbands family (photographer only photographed my family). These are things most ppl have at their weddings. Anyway sorry don't want to hijack this thread with my story.


I'm so sorry those things make you sad.

Does it make you feel better that I didn't have seats at the chuppah (was outside), or a wedding cake (not done in our circles), or carpet leading to the chuppah, or a dessert table, my bouquet fell apart within 10 minutes and we missed on lots of photographs of my family because various members decided their children needed to get out of the hall before they went nuts. And I have no idea what color the tablecloths, napkins or what the menu was (told my parents to just do what they wanted because I didn't care). It was still a beautiful day because it was the day I married my beshert.
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imasoftov




 
 
    
 

Post Sun, Nov 15 2015, 6:31 am
I've probably posted this before but ...

[warning-bad language]
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chani8




 
 
    
 

Post Sun, Nov 15 2015, 6:46 am
You're totally allowed to be sad about whatever you want to be sad about. Allow yourself a few moments of sadness to 'feel your feelings' as they say, so that you can eventually 'file it' not have it bother you forever.

And learn from your disappointments. If you didn't have flowers or pretty napkins, then make sure your shobbos always does have those things, and remember to mitaken that at your next simcha...may there be many more for you.
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sprayonlove




 
 
    
 

Post Sun, Nov 15 2015, 7:29 am
amother wrote:
I'm so sorry those things make you sad.

Does it make you feel better that I didn't have seats at the chuppah (was outside), or a wedding cake (not done in our circles), or carpet leading to the chuppah, or a dessert table, my bouquet fell apart within 10 minutes and we missed on lots of photographs of my family because various members decided their children needed to get out of the hall before they went nuts. And I have no idea what color the tablecloths, napkins or what the menu was (told my parents to just do what they wanted because I didn't care). It was still a beautiful day because it was the day I married my beshert.


How nice for you that you have such a wonderful perspective! Have a lovely day! 💋
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