So how big is your diamond!!!!

pause

Sun, Nov 15 2015, 2:37 pm

sprayonlove wrote:

I am happy in my marriage, but when I look back at the photos a little bit of disappointment creeps in because a lot of things in my wedding didn't happen that I had dreamed of. I didn't have that pinterest-worthy wedding. I didn't even want an over the top, glamourous wedding. I just wanted a few things like a dessert table, a wedding cake, um seats at the chuppah (all my guests stood), the correct napkin color that I actually picked (the wedding hall put ivory napkins on an ivory tablecloth), flowers, a carpet runner to the chuppah, and some photos of my husbands family (photographer only photographed my family). These are things most ppl have at their weddings. Anyway sorry don't want to hijack this thread with my story.

I'm sorry in advance for offending you, but I actually laughed when reading your post. No, most people don't have those things at their wedding. My poor guests also stood at the chuppah, no wedding cake, a dessert table which had drinks and styrofoam cake platters, I have no idea what color napkins they had, no live flowers, and no carpet runner. I B"H do have pictures, loads and loads of my husband's family. But I would have loved some more of myself and of us as a couple. (We have about five good photos.)

sprayonlove

Mon, Nov 16 2015, 8:13 am

pause wrote:

I'm not offended because I don't judge people for what they want at their wedding. That's great for you that you were so content, but I happen to be someone who cares about these little details. Since when does what I wanted at my own wedding have to be what you wanted at yours?

pause

Mon, Nov 16 2015, 9:28 am

sprayonlove wrote:

I was not laughing at what you wanted. I was laughing at the way you made it sound like those are basic things that everyone has/wants when they're really not.

If you'd come and tell me you always dreamed of getting married on an ocean liner in the middle of the Atlantic Ocean but you didn't get your dream wedding, I'd feel for you and your disappointment. But if you say (like you did in the post I quoted) that a wedding in the middle of the ocean is something that most people have with that sort of expectation that you had a less-than wedding, well, then, you'd get this same reaction: LOL

luppamom

Mon, Nov 16 2015, 10:02 am

pause wrote:

I have no clue how things were served at my wedding and who was sitting or standing. I guess I should look at pics/video? lol! I felt similar about pics. I did joke that I looked better at BIL's wedding a year and a half later b/c a colored dress is much more flattering!

Fox

Mon, Nov 16 2015, 11:05 am

amother wrote:

Lastly, (sorry for long rant) I was engaged at the same time as another girl in my office. My boss approached me a few weeks before my wedding and said, I'm so surprised at the difference between the both of you. Whenever you talk about your husband to be you are shining and excited. She on the other hand hasn't mentioned him once in all the pre wedding chatter. She is clearly excited about her expensive ring, her perfect dress, her 3 shaitels, her diamond watch and tennis bracelet. But she doesn't seem to realise it's all about her and her future husband.

I'm definitely an advocate of mindful spending, but I think we should cut kallahs some slack.

Brides simply can't win.

If you're starry-eyed and in love, you'll annoy everyone within a 60-foot radius with your ongoing claims that your chosson is the wisest man of your acquaintance; sings beautifully; is sought after for his advice; speaks inspiringly; does chesed constantly; cheers the downtrodden; and feeds the hungry. You'll also annoy your extended family members with your lack of interest in the household largesse with which they're showering you.

Fancy yourself a more pragmatic kallah, though, focusing your public enthusiasm on salad spinners rather than your own very special honey-bunny snookums, and you'll take lumps for being coldly mercernary and blatantly materialistic.

Wax poetic about your intended, and you'll scratch painful wounds on anyone in your vicinity who's ever been rejected; ever had a failed romance; ever married a guy who turned out to be human . . .

Wax poetic about your haul of salad spinners, and you'll trigger the anxiety of everyone who's been living without a salad spinner.

Emphasize your great husband-to-be, and other women will snort, "Harrumph! She thinks they're going to live on love and Torah," the minute you're out of earshot.

Emphasize your practical plans and homemaking technicalities, and the same women will snort, "Harrumph! Man plans and G-d laughs!"

While all kallahs are beautiful, the state of "being a kallah" isn't a look that many of us wear well. Somehow, the combination of new relationships, new pressures, and life changes brings out everyone's quirks. Some kallahs become veritable bridezillas; others succumb to previously undetected obsessive-compulsive tendencies; and many just become bores.

Fortunately, it's usually not a chronic illness. Most kallahs eventually discover that, in fact, their new husbands are not quite the action heroes they once believed; however, they realize that they genuinely love them anyway. Likewise, they lose their near-maniacal excitement over salad spinners while occasionally pondering how happy they are to have received them.

So I vote that we choose not to see most bridal missteps. On the other hand, the women who claim, "I was perfectly behaved as a kallah! Everyone told me so!" -- feel free to roll your eyes at them.

amother

Pumpkin

Mon, Nov 16 2015, 12:54 pm

My one brother could not get engaged because he didn't have a pearl necklace to give the girl when they got engaged, about two hours after calling the shidduch off my brother got engaged to the same girl as someone gave him a pearl necklace to give her?
Whenever I think of this, I cant help but think of how Rebbi Akiva could offer his new wife nothing but straw to sleep on.
Is this materialism a torah way of life?
If a family can afford it it is one thing, I for one got engaged to a well off boy, who gave me a ring , a watch, candlesticks, and to be honest I gave him none of the "accepted " things in return, even though if I had the means I would, I did give him gifts here and there, but they were in my means, to show I cared and loved him, sometimes it was just a little chocolate bar embarrassed

I think materialism is one thing, but there shouldn't be the pressure for everyone to have the same

amother

Wheat

Mon, Nov 16 2015, 1:35 pm

For those who wished they had fancier weddings or more details - do you wish your parents had spend the additional wedding or that you had chipped in the additional wedding to make it the way you wanted it?

I'm assuming most parents have a budget.

(To those that say the bride and groom don't necessarily get the savings, when my brother was engaged the other side insisted on certain things my parent's would never spend money on. The florist bill was insane because of custom drapings, chuppah, kallah seat, etc. My parents would never make a fuss so they gave the extra, but I know it came out of money the planned on giving the couple to help start them out, because they had a set amount in savings for each child. In the end the wedding was magnificent and there was a party planner who organized everything and maintained every detail - and we were miserable - she ruined the night for all of us. So while every detail was perfect, it was a bit too perfect)

mommy3b2c

Mon, Nov 16 2015, 8:21 pm

pause wrote:

It could be, in the circles she travels in, those things are the norm and that's why she felt bad. In my circles, everyone has those things as standard, plus a lot more. If I didn't have them, I would also feel bad. I would feel shallow, but also feel bad. And then I would feel bad for feeling bad...

sourstix

Mon, Nov 16 2015, 8:45 pm

dont forget chasidish chasanim and kallahs dont speak to each other(ok alot) during engagement. so the gifts are there as a kind of reminder. that I love you. those of you who speak and see each other and do shopping together probably get less gifts. I think this has a big connection. gifts are an expression of feelings. you dont have to buy expensive stuff. its nice to send something if the engagement is that long. and I mean 6 months. many young kallahs have no real pull in romanticism. and I mean a lot of chasidish. so of course its about the gifts. ok some are in love. but many dont have that. even if they do they dont express it. so hence the gifts. I dont think theres anything wrong with gifts. it can be simple. doesnt have to be expensive. everyone has to be creative in figuring out how they want to do it. and no, chasidish chasanim dont go out and buy gifts. dont forget he is coming from yeshiva. it takes time for him to get into it. they have all the time to learn after they are married. its ok. no he doesnt have to get the most expensive silver menora there are silver plated, dipped in silver that they make today. for so much cheaper and you wouldnt be able to tell its not silver.

amother

cornflower

Tue, Nov 17 2015, 7:56 am

imasoftov wrote:

It also seems to me that if the purpose was to stay in touch over a long period, it would be more effective to send many smaller gifts over that time rather than a few big ones.

Also everyone getting the same gifts rather squeezes the feeling out of it.

Exactly mu point! There's no buying a gift because it means something it's more about, well everyone gest a watch, bracelet, chocolate arrangement bla bla... so instead of feeling amazing when said chassan picks out something you love, its dissapointung if he doesn't keep up with the greens. And the steins. And everyone else