You received a empty card at your simcha

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amother

Violet

Tue, Nov 17 2015, 8:30 am

You are opening all your gifts after your simcha. One of the envelopes has a card saying Mazel Tov...and there is no gift inside. What do you think about this? What would you do when you go back to their simcha?

Dolly Welsh

Tue, Nov 17 2015, 8:34 am

They may have left it out by mistake. Forget about it.
They may not have any resources to give. Forget about it.
Thank them normally and say you were delighted they could come.

Don't worry about it. It's nothing. The alternative is to start thinking like a collection agency and that's tacky and will just hurt your ideas. Gifts are exactly that. They are voluntary. They are not required. Good wishes are required. You got that.

amother

Violet

Tue, Nov 17 2015, 8:36 am

OP I would never call the person. I was just wondering if it's something normal to do.

Liveandlearn

Tue, Nov 17 2015, 8:44 am

I would think that it was a simple mistake and they forgot to put in the money.

Chayalle

Tue, Nov 17 2015, 8:57 am

Sometimes people send back a return card with Mazal Tov wishes but no gift (especially if they are not going to attend, but even if they are). Would you rather not have their good wishes? Is a gift the only way to share in someone's Simcha?

amother

Violet

Tue, Nov 17 2015, 9:01 am

Chayalle wrote:

Most people send back reply cards without gifts. This was given at the simcha.
What would you do if they make a simcha in the next year? Give them a gift or not?

Chayalle

Tue, Nov 17 2015, 9:04 am

amother wrote:

Most people send back reply cards without gifts. This was given at the simcha.
What would you do if they make a simcha in the next year? Give them a gift or not?

OK I misunderstood.

It depends if you think it was a mistake or not.

If a mistake, then forget about it. Give a gift and keep up the relationship.

If not, then it's possible they did not give a gift because they can't afford it. If that's the case, then if you can afford it you can give a gift, if not then don't. If you think that giving a gift will make them feel obligated in the future, it might be better not to give a gift.

Tue, Nov 17 2015, 9:11 am

Is there a gift without a card? Maybe it got separated from a box or gift bag.

amother

Slateblue

Tue, Nov 17 2015, 9:17 am

Dh and I got not one gift from his guests because they had to travel to get to our wedding so they figured since they spent the money on travelling, they don't have to give a gift. (Some backround info: my parents very generously took care of everyone's hotel stay and food, but not plane tickets/ money for gas. Also, whenever people in my OOT community travel to a wedding they always give a gift as well.) Of course, we didn't expect any gifts, but when my sister, who got married a couple of months before me, told me about everything she received from her chosson's friends and family, I'm not gonna lie, I was the teeniest bit jealous.
Don't worry, I got over myself pretty quickly!

amother

Violet

Tue, Nov 17 2015, 9:25 am

amother wrote:

They didn't travel to our simcha. It was in the neighborhood.

chani8

Tue, Nov 17 2015, 9:42 am

They couldn't afford to give you a gift. Simple as that. Imagine how embarrassed they were. Their choice was to give no card, or give an empty card. Which would be less embarrassing? Everyone was giving a card, right?

You need to find a way to DLKZ, in a way that you can really let this go. Send them a "thank you for coming to my wedding and for the lovely card." And of course, give them a gift when it's their turn. As if nothing happened.

amother

Violet

Tue, Nov 17 2015, 10:07 am

chani8 wrote:

Wouldn't a thank you card make them more uncomtorable? Many people walked in the simcha empty handed. Should I send everybody cards telling them "thank you for joining in our simcha"

Dolly Welsh

Tue, Nov 17 2015, 10:24 am

A card should get a card in return. The other people did not bring you cards.

Or, if they did, yes, send one back.

Their check to you may be stuck in a desk drawer. They may find it years from now and blush. Or not. The best thing to do is ignore the whole thing. Because the alternative is worse. Much worse. You have no idea how serious this whole thing of "what you owe me" can get. "Owe me" can mean money, as in this case, or a thank you.

A woman I personally know had six fits and a cow because she was not thanked for a wedding check. Meanwhile the recipient, the kallah, her sister, didn't know about the gift. The chosson silently deposited the check and didn't mention it to the kallah. The kallah's sister, the giver, had much umbrage that the kallah never thanked her. This took a looooong time to straighten out and there was much bad blood.

People simply must not focus on what they are owed. Even if they are. Forget about it.

I said to that woman, "you could have said, 'I hope you will be enjoying the present I gave you, heh heh,' or 'it gave me such pleasure to be able to give you a wedding gift. I hope my husband remembered to give it to yours? He's so forgetful, heh heh,'" That would have saved much heartache.

But not everybody can muster plain communication, in just the right concerned, pleasant, neutral tone of voice.

But as you are the receiver here, you must not say one word.

You MUST remember that gifts are voluntary. That was not quite an empty envelope. It had a blessing in it, that's not nothing.

It's either a mistake or they are broke. Let it alone.

Even if they are just ill-bred and thoughtless, or even selfish and unkind, still let it alone.

You cannot fix that and it's not your problem or your place to fix it. I am assuming you had the sense to have a wedding you could pay for yourself with no gifts.

Show your class and do what is usual at their next simcha. No tit-for-tat.

You KNOW these people. Is it their character to be bad to you? If you know them to be nice usually, it's a mistake or they are broke.

lfab

Tue, Nov 17 2015, 10:29 am

Gift giving is not obligatory. Very possibly the individuals in question could simply not afford to give a gift. If you live in a large jewish community many people attend multiple simchos a week. Even giving a small amount can add up over time. Yet, they still wanted to wish you a mazel tov and let you know that they are happy to share in you simcha. Hence, the mazel tov wishes inclosed in a handwritten card, sans gift. Don't dwell on it. If/when they make a simcha if you feel you can give a gift give, if not don't. There's no benefit to keeping track and keeping the score even.

amother

Blue

Tue, Nov 17 2015, 10:55 am

Ok I'm not going to lie. I'm not great at giving gifts and never understood the mentality of having to give it (that may be because of my background...I grew up in chinuch family that had no money but people wanted my parents at their simcha because they are chashuv/respected and looked up to as authority figure...they rarely gave presents....maybe a sefer for bar mitzvah but not usually for weddings).

That being said, I'm much better about giving gifts to people who have given me gifts because I feel an obligation (not in a resentful way). Sometimes thinking too deeply into what someone else gave costs me (aka three people chipped in for $150 gift for me...I feel cheap giving $50 gift to each of them but $150 for each is obviously harder or someone gave $100 gift then I sent over $50 tray for shalom zachor but $50 gift still feels cheap).

Bh we have good income so people expect nice gifts. What they don't know is that it's all being eaten up in our therapy bills right now. Still, I try to "keep up with the Joneses" and give something equivalent to what they gave. I would never not give a gift because they didn't give me one. Heck, I don't remember who DIDN'T give me one I just remember the what they did give when it sticks out. I have terrible memory and would just assume I forgot what they gave me.

HonesttoGod

Tue, Nov 17 2015, 11:58 am

They are actually sending you their blessings and best wishes even though they either a: can't afford a present right now or b: don't fancy giving one to you for whatever their reason.

Hang it up, display it, keep it or say amen and throw it out. Not everything is about the money/gift.

anotherima

Tue, Nov 17 2015, 12:08 pm

Wow, this reminds me of when I was looking at the cards we received at our wedding (I had saved all of them in an album) and I found cash that they had slipped into the card! And we had been married for a while already! Good thing I saved it!

vicki

Tue, Nov 17 2015, 12:18 pm

I think giving an empty card is odd.
It is less conspicuous to not give a card but a warm mazel tov at some point during the simcha.
I'd bet they forgot the check.

Smile1234

Tue, Nov 17 2015, 1:21 pm

I would not be shocked if you come back here in a week to post that they called to tell you/mailed you check that they forgot. I've forgotten to tear checks out of my checkbook after writing them more than once or twice in my life.

amother

Smokey

Tue, Nov 17 2015, 1:38 pm

I got a card as a gift from a friend. An empty card, just as you describe. I was taken aback. How hard is it to give a small token gift? She got married within a year later and I took the high road and gave her a gift. Why be petty? She either forgot or felt she couldn't afford it. Whatever. I wanted her friendship more than whatever piece of junk she would have given me anyway.

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