Difficult DD teenager--Advice anyone???

underthestars

Tue, Nov 17 2015, 2:21 pm

I have a wonderful DD who is going through her teenage years. While she is not my first, I have never experienced anything like this--no matter what I say, she begins arguing with me and yells and tells me I need to just leave her alone and let her live her life, etc... To give an example, I got in the car yesterday, and asked her how her day was..answer--fine...me..so, did you make arrangements to get notes for your upcoming test??..her--leave me alone, I'll deal with it...me..ok, so, did you ever get the book you need for your reading class??....uggh, don't you listen, just leave me alone, if I need you, I will let you know..don't get involved in my life!!!!!! I am not used to such chutzpahness and anxiety. Any advice out there??

Chayalle

Tue, Nov 17 2015, 2:29 pm

All of the examples you bring make it sound like she is feeling a little bit micromanaged.

Teens want to develop independence. If she has assignments, she is old enough to arrange whatever she needs to complete them without anyone following up on her, or facing the consequences if she doesn't do them.

Asking her questions about whether she has done these things is hampering her independence, and as a teenager she is not choosing the proper way to let you know this - which is unfortunately not abnormal for teens, either.

On the one hand it would be a good idea to just let her assume the independence she is asking for (and whatever fallout comes along with that). On the other hand, if she is being chutzpadik you can call her out on it, preferably in a non-confrontational manner.

"OK. I will work at giving you the space, privacy, and independence you are asking for. I am your mother, and I would appreciate it if you could keep your tone respectful when you speak to me. Thank you."

amother

Papaya

Tue, Nov 17 2015, 2:34 pm

I would say to stop questioning her and just compliment her any time you can. shes responsible for her work so don't make it a problem between you and her give as much unconditional love as you can. its hard but iy'h it will be worth it.

happymom4

Tue, Nov 17 2015, 2:40 pm

You sound like a great mother and your DD sounds like an average moody teenager!
When my daughter pulled that I tried my best to ignore but eventually let her know that her attitude was hurtful & no one in life will ever love her more then I do now & nothing will ever change that
Then I just changed the subject & stopped prying
Doesn't work every time
but she got the point
Good luck!!!

underthestars

Tue, Nov 17 2015, 2:44 pm

I will try all the above. I recognize that she craves the independence, and do try very hard to give her more. She has stated she wants to put myself and my husband on a shelf and just take us "down" when she needs money, a ride somewhere, or food. I don't really care for that attitude, and don't want to "go along with that program", but don't want conflict at every turn either.

allthingsblue

Tue, Nov 17 2015, 2:46 pm

After you heard her response to your first question, why on earth would you follow up with s similar type of question? Her response should have clued you in that it was not the best time to ask her about such things.
I think a teenager is old enough to be responsible for her own work. If she's ASKS you to remind her it's one thing, but I think you are babying stifling her by nudging her. If you want, you can ask her if in general she would like you to remind her about these things. If she says no, don't! Let her learn responsibility on her own.
Let your relationship flourish by bonding over such things as cooking/baking, shopping (if that's in the budget), going out for a snack or breakfast- fun teenaged things. Don't let your entire relationship be about reminding her about schoolwork! No wonder she's grumpy.

Chayalle

Tue, Nov 17 2015, 2:46 pm

Is that her view of relationships? Would she feel good if her friends would put her on a shelf (or ignore her), and take her down when they need her to share her snack, money, or help with something?

It might be good to find time for you and your DH to talk to her about your feelings here, telling her that you love her and you want to have a relationship with her, not just be her source for the things she needs.

FranticFrummie

Tue, Nov 17 2015, 2:47 pm

All the above, 100%.

My kiddo is 12, and in our house it's starting early! She comes home from school, goes straight to her computer, and I don't see her until bedtime (or when she wants a snack).

She knows she can always talk to me, and I will drop what I'm doing if it's important. That's really all she needs right now, the security of knowing that I'm there.

When she gets whiny or yells, I do NOT put up with her tone of voice. I will address her concerns as soon as she stops taking it out on me. I don't yell at her, ever, so she has no excuse for bad behavior.

Chayalle

Tue, Nov 17 2015, 2:49 pm

allthingsblue wrote:

Let your relationship flourish by bonding over such things as cooking/baking, shopping (if that's in the budget), going out for a snack or breakfast- fun teenaged things. Don't let your entire relationship be about reminding her about schoolwork! No wonder she's grumpy.

This. Build a relationship with her where you and your DH spend individual time with her. If she has a day off from school and you are able, take her out for lunch - just you and DH with her. Make individual time for her. Show her that you are her parents - not the bank or the local shelter.

Dolly Welsh

Tue, Nov 17 2015, 3:23 pm

Expect results, let her alone.

Do not be her friend. She needs someone to look up to, whose good opinion she would not like to lose. You need more distance with this one than your other kids.

But as FF says, permit no bad manners. That amounts to treating her like a grown human being. Not a problem child.

Make sure you look good. Very good. It's been a while and time has passed. Exude the charm of power. You want to impress.

Once you have impressed, praise. Tell her she looks great. As to a lady friend, not a child.

Smile. You will have to resolve to smile at her.

Act pathetic and ask for help in the kitchen. THANK her for her help after. She will acquire a sense of competence and of usefulness. Treat her with the mannerly formality and friendliness of a new sister in law, not one you have known for years.

Use a ton of forms such as please, thank you, oh that's so nice.

Buy her nice stuff for her appearance.

Be very "queen having tea with a princess". Show respect.

If she messes up at school, be unhappy for a brief moment, then don't worry about it. Let the school exert the pressure. They know how.

underthestars

Tue, Nov 17 2015, 3:32 pm

Believe it or not, we do almost all that you all have said...we smile, encourage, take her out for special treats (DH takes her out on fridays before school for a donut and hot chocolate), I buy her nice things to make her feel good about herself, etc. I speak calmly and with a smile, ..I try to do all the right things, and I get 'tude!!! I am just not used to it since I never had it from any of my other kids. I will try to give her more slack as you all suggest and not inquire about her school, and just let her be, but to me, it is a way of showing her I care. I see from what you all say, that she doesn't see it that way though. I try to spend quality time with her,but she doesn't want it..she wants to be in her room listening to music and away from me! She hates baking, cooking, etc, and while she loves shopping, it not only isn't in the budget, but I HATE shopping (although I will do it if I could w/her and have in the past!!) I can't find anything to do with her because she doesn't like to really do anything other than be by herself (or atleast away from me!!) Yet, at the same time, I feel we aren't enemies, I recognize she is being a teenager!!

Chayalle

Tue, Nov 17 2015, 3:41 pm

underthestars wrote:

You sound like great parents.

Some kids/teens have different personalities. Sounds like she just wants space and to be left alone. I would respect that, but I would not let disrespect go.

PAMOM

Tue, Nov 17 2015, 5:28 pm

I know it's hard to do but try to follow the very good advice above: leave her alone. Don't ask questions when you pick her up, unless you have rules about helping in the kitchen, don't make her, don't make conversation that requires a response. It's tough. She absolutely has to talk nicely to you and if you have house rules about chores, she has to do the chores or face consequences like no rides to special events or no extra (unneeded) item of clothes. Don't yell and give her a warning--one warning--and follow through with no drama on your part. It's normal for her to want to put you on a shelf for a while. It also shows that she's very aware of you as a major presence in her life, and that's a good thing.
My dd who was just like this is now a psychologist. She tells me that she admired my tolerance and still listened to me. She says we have such a good relationship now because , unlike mothers of some friends, I did what she needed and not just what I needed.

underthestars

Wed, Nov 18 2015, 7:05 am

PAMOM, I hear what you are saying, and will try to listen to everyone's advice. BUT, when it comes to helping around the house, we have more issues--since she is the youngest, there is no "chore chart" like I used to have, since there really isn't much to do (since there are only 3 of us left not much mess is made), so from time to time, I ask her to help me when I need to, and she let's me know "She doesn't do that"...it is too late for me now to begin instituting weekly chores, and I am in a bit of a pickle about this issue...she refuses to help even when asked, and just WANTS TO BE LEFT ALONE!!! My other kids weren't like this (and still are not like this)--if they see I am schlepping groceries, they will automatically come and help, not her, etc...I usually just keep my mouth shut and not say anything but I ask myself what kind of mother am I, what kind of chinuch am I giving my child???

I try to smile and not pressure, but I do have conflicting thoughts about how she will turn out......

imasinger

Wed, Nov 18 2015, 7:48 am

I don't think it is too late to institute chores.

She is a member of the household; she needs to contribute. You are right about chinuch; someday, iy"H, she will be running her own, and need the skills and practice, not to mention the compassion.

And she can earn shopping trips as a reward, maybe.

But the logical starting place is probably finding a way into her world a bit.

Would she be willing to share some of the music she enjoys? Talk about the performers? Look at a catalog with you, and point out what she likes? Does she ever enjoy games? Hikes? Somethingthat doesn't cost money, and where she will open up a little.