Unhelpful on vacation

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Forum -> Parenting our children -> Teenagers and Older children

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shalhevet

Tue, Jul 10 2007, 3:05 pm

So what would you have done?

Dd has done what she likes from when she got up this morning. She has her kaytana with a friend. This afternoon she did craftwork, read, mooched around.

I asked her to go to the store - no koach.
I asked her to wash the dishes - later, soon...
I asked her to take the little ones down to the park for an hour - boring...
(This was all after about 4.30pm when she had had most of the day to herself)

Then she decided to make supper. It was really delicious - pasta with some interesting sauce, but the two pots and stacks of spoons, knives and whatever which are still dirty are not so delicious. And the other dishes aren't washed.
I've been sitting most of the day on a translation project and I still have the night ahead...

So I just really shouted at her and told her that she's impossible and that all day she's done what she likes and I don't think spending 20 minutes to wash the dishes is too much to ask. (Her sister did some of them before). But of course I feel terrible for having screamed at her and pulled her out of bed (she was reading, not sleeping, but it is ten o'clock).

She's actually much more helpful during school time. I also think she should have time to herself, but not 24/7.

Exploding anger

shoy18

Tue, Jul 10 2007, 3:19 pm

I know children are suppose to help out, but it is her vacation.. Maybe ask that for an hour or so a day if she can please help you with something..

amother

Tue, Jul 10 2007, 3:30 pm

Sometimes having set chores is easier but if you really need s/t dont give a choice.

Mrs. XYZ

Tue, Jul 10 2007, 4:33 pm

shoy18 wrote:

I know children are suppose to help out, but it is her vacation.. Maybe ask that for an hour or so a day if she can please help you with something..

Vacation is from school, not from home responsibilities.

Is she acting this way every day since vacation started? or was this only today? If only today, I would ignore it, but if every day then def. set down some 'rules' for vacation- like she has to help out 1 hour every day or something like that.

Quote:

I asked her to go to the store - no koach.
I asked her to wash the dishes - later, soon...
I asked her to take the little ones down to the park for an hour - boring...

Just wondering, do you always 'ask' your kids to help? Would you never 'tell' them to do something?

shalhevet

Tue, Jul 10 2007, 4:46 pm

Mrs. XYZ wrote:

shoy18 wrote:

I know children are suppose to help out, but it is her vacation.. Maybe ask that for an hour or so a day if she can please help you with something..

I feel like it's a mindset - getting used to doing what you want and so don't have to do anything. It was the same erev Shabbos - she mamash didn't help and she is usually pretty responsible and helpful. This is already the second week of vacation, so it's not like the first day.

Quote:

I asked her to go to the store - no koach.
I asked her to wash the dishes - later, soon...
I asked her to take the little ones down to the park for an hour - boring...

Just wondering, do you always 'ask' your kids to help? Would you never 'tell' them to do something?

I guess I told her; but it still didn't help. Exploding anger

She is 13 and 1.5 months. I am new to parenting teenagers!! Help

shoy18

Tue, Jul 10 2007, 4:47 pm

maybe ask her what she would like to do to help, give her choices and tell her to pick one..

chocolate moose

Tue, Jul 10 2007, 4:51 pm

Teenagers can be very very difficult. My heart goes out to ya, Shalhevet, I thought/hoped you'd have it easier!

It has worked for us to have a list of set chores that can be done any time until _____ (Shabbos, 4 PM, etc.).

Some chores work better for some kids than others, also.

shalhevet

Tue, Jul 10 2007, 6:04 pm

shoy and choccy, thanks for the advice. I'm going to try those ideas; sound good to me. Very Happy

TzenaRena

Tue, Jul 10 2007, 6:32 pm

From a mother of another almost thirteen year old, yeah. It's like pulling teeth sometimes. It's not that she says no. it's like first she has to eat, then she disappeared, okay, we get her back in there, then she is tired and falls asleep in her room. My dd also loves to cook, but doesn't seem to know what a sponge is. Wink

Other times, when my daughter is finally in the kitchen Erev Shabbos helping me,she gets into very animated "debates" with her brothers that is so distracting to me that I actually tell her I've had enough of her help. At the end I realize that the potatoes never got peeled Rolling Eyes

Other times, bless her, I get so much done with her at my side. Tongue Out

I go through this stage with each one. a perfect angel till about 13. Yes

then, suddenly I can no longer rely on them to automatically help just because they are there. They become very preoccupied with their own important stuff. The angelic phase never comes back, but with some of mine the adolescence tames down at about 16. Good luck!

amother

Tue, Jul 10 2007, 7:14 pm

Quote:

She has her kaytana with a friend

Does that mean that she runs a small day camp with her friend? If yes, it's probably draining and she is exhausted and I don't really blame her for being too tired for taking more kids to the park or going to the store. She is only 13 and she made supper, why should she also wash the dishes
?

Raisin

Wed, Jul 11 2007, 6:19 am

I also think, if she made supper, why should she also do the dishes? (If I knew I had to wash up whenever I made supper, why would I offer to cook in the first place????)

In my house when we were kids we had a rota on the wall. One night wash up, the next night clear the table, next night take out rubbish, cook supper or help mummy cook supper.

mummy-bh

Wed, Jul 11 2007, 6:33 am

Raisin wrote:

I also think, if she made supper, why should she also do the dishes? (If I knew I had to wash up whenever I made supper, why would I offer to cook in the first place????)

In my house, we have a rule about clearing up - if I ask my girls to prepare some food, they don't have to clean up.
They both love baking though, and want to make cakes and cookies every night. We have a deal - they help with the other kids first, then they are allowed free range in the kitchen. B"H they are very capable and literally the only thing I have to do is check the eggs! They have to clean up after they are finished though, because they've chosen this as an activity, it's not been required of them.

(BTW, they are 8 and 10. You lot are all scaring me about what will be in a few years from now!!!)

chocolate moose

Wed, Jul 11 2007, 10:28 am

If the person doing the cooking also cleans up, they will use a lot less implements.

raizy

Mon, Jul 16 2007, 10:05 pm

in our house it was whoever made the cooking supper or baking mess got to clean it up!!! u want to cook and bake fine with my mom but then us kids had to clean up all that mess.

shalhevet

Tue, Jul 17 2007, 2:16 am

Update: Thanks for the advice. I have let her choose much more what to help with and asked her to cook (which she loves) and things have really improved.

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