Invited to bridal shower, but not the entire wedding

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View latest: 24h 48h 72h

chocolate moose

Tue, Jul 10 2007, 7:43 pm

shoy18 wrote:

chocolate moose wrote:

You don't HAVE to bring a gift. For some kallahs, it's more abut the party than anything else. OR you might go in with someone for something.

you can also bring something very small.

Unless you chip in for a large present, one should not show up without a gift. If its money go to amazing savings and buy a $5 present!

If the kallah is a girl of means and it is just a party, it is okay to show up without a gift. (No one at my shower brought a present, by the way.)

Nicole

Tue, Jul 10 2007, 8:00 pm

mumsy23 wrote:

Nicole wrote:

Oysh- now I'm feeling guilty. For my shower, my friends who were inviting ppl asked who to invite from our class- I didn't want to pick and choose- why not make a big party for everyone- so I told them to invite everyone- I was more thinking along the lines of a good time, and good food, for all. I didn't expect everyone to bring a gift, I just wanted to include them in the simcha where I was able to, since we couldn't invite everyone to the whole wedding. Similarly, I invited everyone to the shabbos kallah. Besides, a shower gift need not be expensive- it can just be funky oven mitts or a package of fun magnets...

You shouldn't feel guilty now, its over BUT a shower is not just a fun party for all - it is mainly an excuse for the bride and groom to get gifts and it is completely inappropriate to go to a shower and not give a gift. Therefore, it is similarly inappropriate to invite people to a shower and not to the wedding. Shabbos kallah is different, there is no obligation for the guests to bring something and its just a nice get together.

I don't know. Maybe it's different in your circles. I've chipped in for wedding gifts for girls whose weddings I wasn't going to, be it that I wasn't invited for the whole thing, or that I was unable to attend. It's understood in our community that it's expensive to invite everyone for the seuda, and ppl are fine with that. As for the shower, I think it's also understood that one needn't bring a gift, and if they do want to, it's not that big a deal to give 10 - $25 towards a group gift.

Defy gravity- if it seems strange that this has happened to you, and you say you're not that close with the kallah anyway, you're probably not really obligated to go to the shower to begin with. In any case, mazel tov on this simcha, may it lead to many more in klal yisrael.

Cinderella

Tue, Jul 10 2007, 8:37 pm

I agree usually its those that are even closer to you that you invite to the shower, not some people who you ONLY want gifts from! I would be so annoyed that I was invited to the bridal shower and not the wedding that I either might not show up at all, or come with an extremely cheap/junky gift. Exploding anger

chocolate moose

Tue, Jul 10 2007, 9:01 pm

If you want to bring something, you can certainly bring a $5 item, but do you want to go if you're not close to the kallah? I mean, only close firends would want to watch oo-ing and oh-ing over towels and linens, right?

For $5 and some careful shopping, you can get:

washclothes
veg. peelers
a peppermill
small clock
small plant
kitchen timer
toothbrush organizer
few placemats
some Rubbermaid
set of negel vasser
broom, mop, bucket

Seraph

Wed, Jul 11 2007, 2:28 am

None of the people invited to one of my showers was invited to my wedding, as the shower was made by my brooklyn friends. It was made as their way of partaking in the simcha, since both my vort and my wedding were in israel.
They threw me a suprise one so didn't exactly ask me for a guest list.
However, if anyone from the shower HAD been in israel at the time of the wedding, they for sure woulda been invited.

My second shower, the one in israel, I went through my freinds list for my wedding and ticked off which girls I wanted to invite to the shower.

sarahd

Wed, Jul 11 2007, 6:50 am

Defy, maybe you can ask the organizers if you are on the list of those invited for the whole wedding?

Quote:

At my wedding I was only allowed to invite 10 of my friends for the dinner. The rest of the 200 people at the dinner was family.Everyone else came later for simchas chossan v'kallah. Does that mesn I should of just had a shower for those 10 friends?

Ummm...yes. If you had to have a shower at all. Why is it obligatory to have a shower?

********
On the few occasions when I was invited only to the chuppa, I did not feel obligated to go to the shower. OTOH, if I was invited to the whole wedding but couldn't make it, I participated in the shower.

MMEC123

Wed, Jul 11 2007, 8:37 am

This just happened to my mother. She got invited to MY friend's shower but not to her whole wedding. At first I thought it was so tacky but then I found out that the ONLY people invited to the dinner were family and people who travelled in from out of town for the wedding.

Defy, could that be the case? Does she have a large family or just many more out of town friends than in town? If so, sometimes people do it that way in which case it's slightly less tacky...

Ruchel

Tue, Jul 17 2007, 3:33 am

I learned about showers online. I don't know anyone who had them. I wouldn't invite someone to the chuppa but not the meal/dances, so if the shower is just before the chuppa I wouldn't have done it either. To me it's a whole event. Same for bar mitzva, bris... to me, it's all or nothing. But I'm not into inviting the coworkers, the whole class of the bar mitzva, the other children's friends (!).... my in laws were into that and my dh remembers he didn't know a quarter of his bar mitzva's guests and he really didn't enjoy it (not to mention they choose to do it in a foreign country where his friends couldn't attend).

amother

Tue, Jul 17 2007, 3:57 am

please explain to the clueless:

where I come from, we don't have bridal showers.

When a person gets married, all those invited to the wedding drop off a gift at her parents house before the wedding generally and if they don't make it in time then they give it to the couple after the wedding.

what do those of you that do have showers do? Do you give two presents?
one at the shower and one before the wedding or just at the shower? Why do you need the shower to give a present? Isn't being invited to the wedding enough to warrant a gift by those invited?

please explain this concept to me.

Ruchel

Tue, Jul 17 2007, 9:17 am

People gave us their gift at the wedding. I doubt people who have a shower require a second gift??

DefyGravity

Tue, Jul 17 2007, 9:21 am

Usually people give a shower gift AND a wedding gift.

greenfire

Tue, Jul 17 2007, 9:32 am

life shouldn't be a tit-4-tat ... if you like the person go and be nice/mentshlich ... maybe you could there find out about the invite to the wedding or not ... each person costs $$$ and it's probably a hard thing to just invite to the chuppa - but that still means they want you there ...

amother

Tue, Jul 17 2007, 10:15 am

DefyGravity wrote:

Usually people give a shower gift AND a wedding gift.

WHY?

chocolate moose

Tue, Jul 17 2007, 10:30 am

In Lub., ppl give one gift, if even that.

southernbubby

Tue, Jul 17 2007, 10:31 am

I have not seen too many people that give both a shower and a wedding gift. Showers are so common in Detroit that even kallahs who are marrying Detroit boys but themselves are NOT from Detroit have showers here. That means that the gift givers probably won't attend the wedding even if they are invited to the whole thing. Many people don't send chassunah gelt if they do not plan to attend a chassunah but will bring a gift if invited to a shower. Go figure!
If someone feels that all of this is too much, they can either decline the invitation to a shower or pitch in a small amount of money with a few other people to buy a nice gift.

Ruchel

Tue, Jul 17 2007, 10:35 am

DefyGravity wrote:

Usually people give a shower gift AND a wedding gift.

wow, that's expensive

amother

Tue, Jul 17 2007, 11:17 am

chocolate moose wrote:

In Lub., ppl give one gift, if even that.

You cannot make such a generalization - maybe thats what they do in your personal circle of friends in Crown Heights!

BTW I am lub and I got shower and wedding gifts. Shower gifts are more practical household items (pots, dishes, towels) and wedding gifts were more luxury type things (silver etc) and $$$

DefyGravity

Tue, Jul 17 2007, 11:20 am

A good percentage of people that attended/were invited to my wedding were lubavitch and I got two gifts from many of them.

Definitely depends on your circle of friends.

Ruchel

Tue, Jul 17 2007, 11:21 am

^^

I got practical gifts at my engagement, and luxury type ones and money at my wedding.

Mrs. XYZ

Tue, Jul 17 2007, 11:35 am

amother wrote:

At a shower the gifts given are usually more practical household items like tablecloths, dishes, sometimes linen etc. This way the kalla knows what not to buy when she goes shopping.
By the wedding ppl. generally give more expensive gifts.

If I go to a shower and I will also be going to the wedding, then I usually dont give anything by the shower since I will be giving a nice expensive silver piece by the wedding.

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