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Forum -> Parenting our children -> School age children
How to help dd with self esteem



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amother
Mistyrose


 

Post Sat, Nov 21 2015, 8:22 pm
My dd has very little self esteem. She's very negative. Everything is I don't know this, I'm going to get a bad mark.... But she does and does very well. We give her tons of attention but she's always begging for more, every second has to be about her.... The teachers are also mentioning about it, she tells then.... How do you help build a child's self esteem?
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shoshana2




 
 
    
 

Post Sat, Nov 21 2015, 8:35 pm
Get her involved in some type of chesed or volunteer work.
You can also see if she wants to participate in any creative activities ( lessons in art, music, dance etc.)
Hatzlacha !
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amother
Mistyrose


 

Post Sat, Nov 21 2015, 8:52 pm
shoshana2 wrote:
Get her involved in some type of chesed or volunteer work.
You can also see if she wants to participate in any creative activities ( lessons in art, music, dance etc.)
Hatzlacha !

She's only 8 so that's a bit hard. She's taking music lessons. We're trying to do whatever we could to boost her self esteem but nothing seems to be working
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Dolly Welsh




 
 
    
 

Post Sat, Nov 21 2015, 10:10 pm
Please talk to a professional. That she is verbalizing her concerns so much is also not usual. The trouble with music lessons is it's just another thing she has to do properly. Better to sing with her and dance around. If you play simple tunes on a cheap electric keyboard, tunes she already knows, and have her sing along with you, there is no way for her to be doing that "wrong".

Somebody is expecting too much of her somehow.

Praising her performance is still focusing on her performance!

She may need to just run around and get dirty sometimes.

If she has smarter older siblings, don't have her wear their clothes handed down. Get her something to wear just for her.

But I really think you should talk to the ped and get some advice and some referrals.

I am no medic of any kind.
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amother
Mistyrose


 

Post Sun, Nov 22 2015, 9:38 am
Bump
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imasinger




 
 
    
 

Post Sun, Nov 22 2015, 12:13 pm
It would make sense to get an evaluation from a professional.

When you say that she gets tons of attention, and are always trying to boost her self esteem, can you give some examples of what you say or do? Maybe there are some ways to tweak it to be more effective.
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amother
Mistyrose


 

Post Sun, Nov 22 2015, 1:50 pm
imasinger wrote:
It would make sense to get an evaluation from a professional.

When you say that she gets tons of attention, and are always trying to boost her self esteem, can you give some examples of what you say or do? Maybe there are some ways to tweak it to be more effective.

She's been an only child for seven years so she got plenty of attention. Everything was about her. We're constantly praising her, say how well she's doing, tell her we're happy with whatever mark she gets as long as she tries......
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imasinger




 
 
    
 

Post Sun, Nov 22 2015, 3:26 pm
Telling her that you're happy with whatever mark she gets as long as she tries might not seem like real praise to her.

Here are some tips on praise that I learned, and have tried, with good success, both as mom and as morah:

Quote:
1. Offer praise right away. As soon as a child does something you want, immediately give praise:
"I like it when you follow directions the first time I ask!" "Thanks for playing quietly." "You're doing an awesome job concentrating on your homework!"

2. Give praise regularly. Don't wait for some sort of exceptional behavior. Use it for every instruction that is followed.

3. Catch your child being good. Increase the amount of monitoring so there are multiple opportunities to note appropriate behavior throughout the day. For example, if a child has been doing homework for 10 minutes, check in and offer praise. Don't wait until it's all finished. Try to catch appropriate behavior before she starts complaining about what a bad job she is doing, and how she is going to get a bad mark.

4. Be enthusiastic and genuine. Even though some of this behavior might not be a big deal, it is a big deal if she complains again. So, take the energy that you have been saving for managing her "low self-esteem" complaints, and turn it into an enthusiastic high five, hug, or "nice job!" -- BEFORE she acts out in a negative comment.

5. Pay particular attention to areas of difficulty. If there are behaviors you really want to decrease, try to notice any occasion where the child does NOT engage in the negative behavior, and give lots of praise. "Hey, honey, you finished your English homework without one worried comment; I'm SO proud of you! Great job!" If there are instructions that are followed only inconsistently, make sure you really attend and praise those times where the instruction is followed.


Hope some of this helps! If she was an only child for 7 years, it's not terribly surprising that she may be acting out with a younger sibling on the scene to take away attention.
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Dolly Welsh




 
 
    
 

Post Sun, Nov 22 2015, 6:14 pm
OP, mentally imagine that someone said, to you, the things you say to her, with the same frequency.

Once upon a time, on a job, a long time ago, I had to walk down a long hallway to a get to a photocopier I needed for my work. The walls of the hallway were lined with many cheerful-colored, prettily designed, framed posters of the UN Charter's guarantees of universal human rights. They were a litany of the awful things that people had a right to have not happen to them. It went something like this:

"You have a right not to starve!"
"You have a right not to die of disease!"
"You have a right not to be overrun in warfare!"
"You have a right not to be oppressed!"
"You have a right to have shelter!"

It was supposed to be positive and inspirational, but by the time I got to the copier, I was in tears. The bright, cheerful colors didn't help.

If you tell somebody all day that you don't mind one bit if they fail, as long as they "tried," whatever that means, it might not be heard the way you meant it. Why imagine she could fail in the first place?

You are overdoing something. This is a loop I don't know how to get you out of. Please talk to a professional, please.
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amother
Mistyrose


 

Post Mon, Nov 23 2015, 4:35 pm
I only mention about I don't care what mark she gets as long as she tries her best when she is studying for a test and complains that she won't get 100. I say that so she doesn't go crazy and feel pressured that she has get everything right
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