Anyone have a family member who OTDed as an older adult

professor

Tue, Nov 24 2015, 4:53 am

amother wrote:

How about in a public relationship (with children) without being married? Because I know at least two women who did that after nasty divorces from men who took several years to give them a get.

AFAIK they both still believe in G-d and keep some semblance of Shabbat and Kashrut, but they no longer trust the Orthodox patriarchal establishment.

what you are describing makes a lot of sense. these women were angry and they HAD IT with all the get rules etc.
however, an older adult with a family, who has no trauma of any sort just gives up everything. no kosher no shabbos... makes no sense to me

chani8

Tue, Nov 24 2015, 4:57 am

It doesn't happen like that. Nobody just gives up everything that simply. There were reasons.

We left because of trauma, specifically the molestation issue. And even then, it took molestation happening to my second son before we threw in the towel.

PinkFridge

Tue, Nov 24 2015, 5:28 am

professor wrote:

it could be that they're at a point where they feel they can, or can't not do so any longer.

professor

Tue, Nov 24 2015, 5:41 am

chani, we're the kids ok? how did they take it? molestation is traumatic enough to explain going OTD. did becoming OTD confuse the kids?

professor

Tue, Nov 24 2015, 5:55 am

I am very depressed. I keep wondering what did I, as the family, do wrong that pushed this family member so far out of jewishness

amother

Chocolate

Tue, Nov 24 2015, 6:12 am

professor wrote:

why would an older adult even want to go OTD?

Many reasons. Some being that they dont believe in the actual religious life anymore and sometimes it is because of anger with G-d. There are so many different reasons why an adult would go off the derech.
I went off the derech (and came back after a while) because I was very upset with G-d for different things in my life and there was no way that I had been able to do anything related to judaism or G-d at that point in my life. I was in my 30s.

Maya

Tue, Nov 24 2015, 6:46 am

professor wrote:

I am very depressed. I keep wondering what did I, as the family, do wrong that pushed this family member so far out of jewishness

Unless you directly contributed to this person's pain or disillusionment in a big way, you shouldn't blame yourself.

And you shouldn't worry about your children. You need to do the best you can as a parent, and the rest is out of your control.

amother

Tan

Tue, Nov 24 2015, 6:51 am

I am an adult, happily married with children, and I no longer believe in much of judaism. If I ever publicly go otd, it'll be because it's too hard to keep pretending.

chani8

Tue, Nov 24 2015, 7:17 am

professor wrote:

chani, we're the kids ok? how did they take it? molestation is traumatic enough to explain going OTD. did becoming OTD confuse the kids?

Well, of the 8 of us, I was the one devastated, DH didn't look back, DD1 was grateful, DS1 has thanked us many times since, DD2 was confused until just recently, DD3 was totally fine about it, DS2 was confused until recently, and DD4 was too young to understand. The three of us who struggled the most, took about 3 years to get over it.

To clarify, all but my DS1 are still shomer shobbos.

chani8

Tue, Nov 24 2015, 7:21 am

professor wrote:

I am very depressed. I keep wondering what did I, as the family, do wrong that pushed this family member so far out of jewishness

Unless you abused that person,which you dont seem to be the type to be abusive, then you did nothing to push that family member OTD.

What you can do now is choose relationship over religion. Let that person know how important your relationship is despite religious differences. Unless family dynamics prevent this, of course.

amother

Ginger

Tue, Nov 24 2015, 7:30 am

Chani you said you went OTD, does that mean you're not frum? Or just 'light frum'.?

chani8

Tue, Nov 24 2015, 7:41 am

amother wrote:

Chani you said you went OTD, does that mean you're not frum? Or just 'light frum'.?

Frum lite. Yeah, that's it.

Stars

Tue, Nov 24 2015, 7:51 am

professor wrote:

how do people manage when someone they care about goes otd?

You learn to accept them and their choices. Yes, it's painful in the beginning but if you can learn to look at them for who they are and not for what they keep- you can carry on having a wonderful relationship.

If they shut you out, all you can do is hope for them to come out of the cloud of pain one day.

amother

Ginger

Tue, Nov 24 2015, 7:51 am

chani8 wrote:

Frum lite. Yeah, that's it.

I got hugged for a typo, hilarious!

You 'sound' cynical... Maybe you're not frum, that's okay with me.
I'm curious as to how religion plays into dealing with trauma?

chani8

Tue, Nov 24 2015, 8:22 am

amother wrote:

I got hugged for a typo, hilarious!

You 'sound' cynical... Maybe you're not frum, that's okay with me.
I'm curious as to how religion plays into dealing with trauma?

You think that hug was for a typo?? I was wondering about it myself. When I hug, I hug for real. What's with these critical hugs??

Anyway, cynical?

Quote:

cynical is an adjective that means believing the worst of human nature and motives.

Yes, that describes me. But wouldn't you be cynical too if it happened to you?? What I really want to know is, are you going to chalk up my cynicism as the root cause of my going OTD? Because that would be inaccurate.

MagentaYenta

Tue, Nov 24 2015, 11:47 am

professor wrote:

Have you considered that they may have many reasons that you are not privy to? Just because you don't know what they are doesn't mean they don't exist.

On page 1 an OP mention that she knew dozens of adults who went OTD. That was my experience as well when I lived in CA. Now where I live I know a handful. It's not that unusual.

shoshana2

Tue, Nov 24 2015, 12:39 pm

Yes, my first husband went OTD in his 40s.
He became very wealthy- but I don't know what role it played

amother

Apricot

Tue, Nov 24 2015, 12:43 pm

amother wrote:

I am an adult, happily married with children, and I no longer believe in much of judaism. If I ever publicly go otd, it'll be because it's too hard to keep pretending.

I'm the same (except that my marriage is not so happy). The only reason why I'm NOT publicly OTD is because I don't want to mess up my kids and cause pain to my family (who I love and have a great relationship with. . .)

So far. . .I'm still here basically because I'm trapped Sad