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Forum -> Working Women
Back to work when DH doesnt help- long
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amother
Indigo


 

Post Wed, Nov 25 2015, 12:05 pm
DH would love for me to go back to work. I would like some advice on how to manage.

I wake up at 6:45 to make kids breakfast and lunch. I drive my kids at 7:30 while DH is waking up. DH leaves the house around 7:40. (He could put the kids on the bus and then go to work, but doesnt want to.)

I get the older dc out of the house to catch the bus.
I get my prek child ready for school and drive dc to school 20 minutes away.
I come home at about 9:30 and eat breakfast.
I clean up breakfast and from making lunch. I do laundry, clean the house, shop for groceries, go to the library.... and cook dinner. I change the bulbs, the filter on the furnace, put away the succah, kosher the kitchen for pesach, take apart the toilet to fix it, bleach the bathroom ceiling, rake the leaves, take out the trash, go to the mechanic, take kids to the dr( some are not local).

Leave at 3:00 to pick up DC and I am home by 4:00. Spend time with dc.
Next DC comes home at 4:50.

I do English homework and any optional Hebrew homework they have(if dc wants to earn the reward), because DH barely has patience for the mandatory.

6:30 Prek dc goes to bed.

DH gets home 7:30 - 7:45 and eats dinner right away while he plays his phone. No one can talk to him then. Hopefully by 8:00-8:15 he is ready to do homework with the boys. They have to start getting ready for bed at 8:30 because of the early bus. Usually dh moves from table to couch with his phone while dss beg to do homework. DH skips alot of the homework, but since they get in the 90's and even 100 I ignore it.

8:30 (more like 8:45) - boys get ready for bed.

DH learns the daf, goes to the gym, and has a great relationship with his phone

Friday:
I am lucky if DH comes home before I light candles. He goes to the gym straight from work.

Sunday:
I drive boys to yeshiva, dh refuses to drop them off when he goes out to daven shachris. DH spends the day in the gym that is in that neighborhood, but refuses to pick them up because he hates the parking lot. I bring kids to playdates and extracurricular activities. DH refuses to help out because its his day off, he happily babysits. He naps all afternoon.

I think my plate is full and I dont want to push my limits. I would love to know if my DH is right that I should work. If I work it would be part time, but not enough to afford cleaning help, just to add more responsibilities to my plate.
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amother
Fuchsia


 

Post Wed, Nov 25 2015, 12:14 pm
I am in a similar position .... not easy. The one good thing is that my dh put a filter on his iphone and can only access yeshiva world and his email. Not saying that he helps more cuz of it but he is more focused on the boys learning. It's very important for the boys to see that their father makes learning a top priority.

Tell you dh that you might agree to take a job if he drives the kids happily. If not, then you are not able to add more things at this point.
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nyer1




 
 
    
 

Post Wed, Nov 25 2015, 12:21 pm
your husband sounds pretty disassociated and unattached, so to speak, from what you describe. it sounds really hard for you - I'm sure you are exhausted.

does he have a very high pressure job? it sounds like when he gets home he is just zonked (not that you aren't!) and maybe has difficulty with some responsibilities. perhaps ask him if he can get up earlier to help you. why does he get to sleep in when you have all of these responsibilities?

what about sundays? ask him in a very non confrontational way -- I'm having a hard time getting all of these things done by myself... could you help me with XYZ?

have you tried to ask directed requests of him? don't expect him to just see what needs to be done... ask him to do it
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tichellady




 
 
    
 

Post Wed, Nov 25 2015, 12:28 pm
are you ok with the status quo if you do not start working part time? It seems to me like you are not, so maybe start there.
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thunderstorm




 
 
    
 

Post Wed, Nov 25 2015, 12:38 pm
You are obviously doing the job of both husband and wife and I think you have to sit down and talk to him about this. If he wants you to go back to work...he has to put in way more than he's doing...He probably wont contribute that much more...but things like changing light bulbs, putting away the sukkah etc...he would have to do...(I know what you're thinking..."I have to do it otherwise it will never get done"...perhaps it will not get done right away , but eventually he wont have a choice but to do it...in regard to the driving the kids to school etc...he's got to at least do part! ...a marriage is a partnership where you share responsibilities..if he's not doing his part of the deal, I think you should contact his rav or his mentor and ask him how to go about this situation...he may speak to your husband to get a picture of his side of the story as well as explain to him what his responsibilities as a husband and parent are...he may even recommend that the two of you do couples counseling...I wish I can help you, but it's all I could think of right now.
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amother
Indigo


 

Post Wed, Nov 25 2015, 1:05 pm
I posted here to validate how I feel. Thank you for that.

I do feel that regardless of me working or not, DH should contribute more at home. It may change my kids attitude as well since everyone expects me to do everything.

I finally gave up and put away the scach last week because I couldnt see it get ruined. I know I should have left it, but I couldnt.

DH doesnt have any rov or mentor. I wish he did.
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mha3484




 
 
    
 

Post Wed, Nov 25 2015, 1:07 pm
I am about to get personal under my sn so if anyone knows me IRL, I trust that you will keep this to yourself. Here goes.

I think these are serious marital issues that you need to discuss before you can even think of going back to work. I was in a similar situation a few years ago but I had no choice to take a full time job. DH's employment situation ended and we needed the income. We also were tight enough that childcare had to become his responsibility. Morning playgroup for our child was all we could afford. There was no money for cleaning help more than pesach time so household chores had to be divided up more much equally than before.

I had a lot of anger and resentment. I felt like I was doing everything. Eventually, I even started to feel like what do I need this for, why are we still married etc. He only cares about himself.

Two things happened. One, I think DH started picking up on my feelings and noticed how unhappy I was. I also went to counseling for a year (started on an unrelated matter) and we talked about realistic expectations, expressing what I need in a mature fashion, seeing DH's attempts at showing me he appreciates what I do. For example, I used to get frustrated that he would buy me a coffee because of the expense but to him its a way to show he appreciates that I go to work every day.

Ultimately It took a lot of work on both of our parts but things are much better two plus years later. Also, the tools and ideas that I have learned through this experience about how to set boundaries, prioritize my needs and generally act like a mature adult,now carry over into so many more facets of my life.
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MamaBear




 
 
    
 

Post Wed, Nov 25 2015, 4:09 pm
Instead of responsibilities being you or him, try doing more together. Why not say, "can we put away the schach right now? I'll take one end, you take the other."

Or, "let's tag team and clean the kitchen. You wash, I'll dry and then we'll relax together."
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Raisin




 
 
    
 

Post Wed, Nov 25 2015, 4:32 pm
I find your post very confusing. Its not clear how many kids you have, and how many trips you make to get your kids to school (twice?). But its pretty clear that your husband is not very helpful.

I think the number of kids is relevant. While it may be possible to be working mother for one or two kids and fit in everything else after work, obviously the more kids, the more carpools, dentist appointments, homework etc etc you have to deal with. And its hard to do that as a single mother.

Why does your husband want you to work? Do you need the income? If he wants more income he has to realise that he will have to take on more responsibilities so you can work.

If you are getting him to take on more, it sounds like it would be better to give him time sensitive tasks that he can't procrastinate. Eg take Moshe to the dr, drop the kids at school on the way to work.

Who knows, he might be more helpful when he realises he has to be.
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amother
Periwinkle


 

Post Wed, Nov 25 2015, 4:41 pm
he wants you to go to work; well you should tell him, this is what I want or going back to work will just not happen.
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amother
Indigo


 

Post Wed, Nov 25 2015, 5:56 pm
Raisin wrote:
I find your post very confusing. Its not clear how many kids you have, and how many trips you make to get your kids to school (twice?). But its pretty clear that your husband is not very helpful.

I think the number of kids is relevant. While it may be possible to be working mother for one or two kids and fit in everything else after work, obviously the more kids, the more carpools, dentist appointments, homework etc etc you have to deal with. And its hard to do that as a single mother.

Why does your husband want you to work? Do you need the income? If he wants more income he has to realise that he will have to take on more responsibilities so you can work.

If you are getting him to take on more, it sounds like it would be better to give him time sensitive tasks that he can't procrastinate. Eg take Moshe to the dr, drop the kids at school on the way to work.

Who knows, he might be more helpful when he realises he has to be.


I have 4 kids. 1 have to drive 2 kids to the bus stop in the early morning for safety reasons. I drive one dc to school and back, takes about an hour. Another dc doesnt need assistance getting to school. There is no bussing on Sunday.

Dh wants me to work so he feels less pressured about money. I have asked him to make a budget, but he refuses. I think he puts to much money into retirement and trying to pay off the mortgage early.

Like I said earlier I felt my plate was full. Dh has no patience or energy to help out at home.
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amother
Periwinkle


 

Post Wed, Nov 25 2015, 7:52 pm
your situation doesnt sound healthy at all or functioning. I suggest you find a rebbetzin or a Rav to talk to & discuss your situation.
hatzlocha rabba.
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dancingqueen




 
 
    
 

Post Wed, Nov 25 2015, 8:24 pm
Does he give a reason he won't drive the kids or just flat out refuses? Is he willing to be more involved in the family if you work?
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amother
Fuchsia


 

Post Wed, Nov 25 2015, 10:14 pm
some men are just not capable with being responsible for household things. Meaning, it's just not worth it to start expecting them to willingly drive moshe to school. He might do it once or twice and then you will hear all the grumbling about having to drive and then he might forget and leave you hanging when he goes off somewhere else - important of course. It's just not worth it sometimes ... it's often better to leave things as is so everyone can get along. Not saying it's right and of course we feel for the op but she might be better off this way rather than rocking her marriage now and getting frustrated and disappointed at her dh. In a long run she will get paid back for trying to maintain the peace in her home.
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amother
Black


 

Post Wed, Nov 25 2015, 10:27 pm
My dh also doesn't help out too much, although B"H is learning and preparing for his teaching most of that time. Yes he does driving - we don't need it on a daily basis though. My point is that I'd NEVER ever put away the sukka or the like. Let it be there till Chanuka, who cares/ (Just an example, my dh does put it away). SO please don't do any "man's thing" (in yr opinion) unless it's absolutely crucial and he'll get it. There's no way u should be doing it all. HUGS and goood luck.... Hug
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amother
Navy


 

Post Wed, Nov 25 2015, 10:40 pm
OP, first of all I would like to point out that I do agree that it is important for your dh to try to pay off mortgage early as noone knows what the future holds and with more expenses as each year passes, ppl. want to make sure that they at least have a place to live--personally, I am trying to do that and this is not a lack of bitachon, just that since they try to get rid of ppl. who have more yrs., I figured that at least if our apartment is paid off, we will have place to live if chas v shalom someone loses his job....
Meanwhile, about what you wrote about going to work. I think it makes sense for your dh to say he wants you to work so he "feels less financial pressure". However, considering all you do (described above) while dh ONLY WORKS AT A JOB, dh is not really understanding your point of view. Your dh is not understanding that just like he feels the financial pressure and wants some of it off of him, so too you have the household duties/raising the kids "pressure". Your dh gets a break by going to the gym and also being on his phone while you are not usually entitled to those breaks because kids always need things to be done for them and there are always household duties.
This is why it is unfair for your dh to say you should work---let him first give you a break /help out as a father...like on sundays or driving kids to school (since when is this only a wife's job?) and doing hw with the kids..... HOWEVER, IF YOURe NOT MAKING ENDS MEET""(which I hope is not the case), then I would say you should go to work too because a lot of women work bec. they need to make ends meet" and not all of them can afford help too!!
That being said, I think demanding to see the budget is crucial to this decision....
Good luck!!
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shabbatiscoming




 
 
    
 

Post Thu, Nov 26 2015, 1:56 am
amother wrote:
some men are just not capable with being responsible for household things. Meaning, it's just not worth it to start expecting them to willingly drive moshe to school. He might do it once or twice and then you will hear all the grumbling about having to drive and then he might forget and leave you hanging when he goes off somewhere else - important of course. It's just not worth it sometimes ... it's often better to leave things as is so everyone can get along. Not saying it's right and of course we feel for the op but she might be better off this way rather than rocking her marriage now and getting frustrated and disappointed at her dh. In a long run she will get paid back for trying to maintain the peace in her home.
But it seems like she is already upset with her husband.
Also, I really dont understand when I read such posts (yours, not OP) how some men are "just not capable with being responsible for household things''. What does that even mean? They are human beings, no? They are able people, no? Every single person in this world can learn to wash dishes. Every person can help with homework. Every person can drive their child to school (if they are able to drive). Come on, I feel like your post is a cop out.
My husband who grew up with full time live in maids (yes, plural) who had to do nothing at home, learned how to do everything domestic. Its part of being in a family, doing your part. Every grown man can and should do that.
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chani8




 
 
    
 

Post Thu, Nov 26 2015, 2:47 am
Just say no. You need to see that budget!
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finallyamommy




 
 
    
 

Post Thu, Nov 26 2015, 7:01 am
Sorry, but I don't believe in men being "incapable." If that were the case, there would be no single fathers. My father did perfectly fine working full-time while raising my sister and me - taking us to the doctor, getting us to school on time, running the house (to be fair, there was babysitting from grandparents and coworkers when needed, as well as occasional cleaning help and he could afford takeout/restaurants).

In OP's case, I agree with the poster who says to give him the time-sensitive tasks ("take Moshe to the doctor"), but start off with that BEFORE you think about going back to work, because it sounds like you need help and support from your DH regardless, and you can't think about going back to work until you know you're going to get it.
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amother
Indigo


 

Post Thu, Nov 26 2015, 9:53 am
Op here-
Dh has off today and I need to drive the kids 6 times today. I asked dh to drive the first run on the way to daven. He refused, because he is on vacation and doesnt want to do it, so I did it but left all the other kids home with him. Dh left by himself when I came home.

There is a poster that mention shalom bayis issues. She is right, but dh never helped in the past. His father doesn't. I had to teach dh what a wrench is. My boys love helping me.

I felt like I need a parenting book on what to do when your dh says no all the time.

As I said earlier, I came here to validate my feelings that I do more than my share already. There is a valid reason why I am nervous about working ontop of everything else I do.
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