Am I too sensitive - guests getting on nerves!

amother

Red

Sat, Nov 28 2015, 10:14 pm

As the oldest in a very large family with parents living out of town I host my younger siblings for Shabbos very often (I would say twice a month someone comes.) I used to love having guests. I'm married for 15 years and my siblings that come each have 1-4 kids. My youngest is already 5 so I don't have many babies around.

Lately I find myself getting so stressed out when company comes. I don't know if I'm crazy or they are pushing boundaries. I don't say anything to them but I find myself getting resentful. Here are some things that drive me crazy - tell me if I'm just getting old:

They don't strip the linen before they leave.
They take food without asking - one recently gave all 4 kids snack bags 3 times over Shabbos. In my house snack bags are for school only so I had to make an extra shopping trip after Shabbos so my kids would have.
They don't tell me if they need milk for the kids bottle and so I land up with no milk sunday morning, making an emergency trip sunday morning before breakfast.
They don't make their kids eat at the table. I literally stick the floor after they are gone.
They let the kids jump on the couch.

I know how annoying it is to go to someone who is constantly telling your kids off - but these stuff are making me insane! Shutting up is stressing me out. What do you think?

yksraya

Sat, Nov 28 2015, 10:23 pm

Be proactive before they come. Tell the moms to make sure their kids stick to the rules of no jumping on sofa and eating only at table etc.

buy enough nosh and milk so that there is enough. When having guests with little kids you need enough milk for bottles and cereal etc.

If those visits really stress you out perhaps limit them to once a month or even less.

amother

Red

Sat, Nov 28 2015, 10:31 pm

Don't get me wrong, we have plenty of nosh, cake etc. I just feel that guests should be taking food that is set out on the counter only, not hunting around my pantry.

Maybe I'm wrong that way, but if I'm ever a guest I will ask before taking something that is not set out for us - like is it OK to take an apple from the fridge. I alwayse a normal amount milk per guests - like one bowlful for every child. If a kid is going to down six 8 ounce bottles in the course of a Shabbos I think it's common decency to inform the host and ask if she has or if you should bring along.

morah

Sat, Nov 28 2015, 10:33 pm

I don't think you're overly sensitive but these are all easily solved problems. How would they know to strip the beds if you don't ask? Some hosts prefer their guests NOT to do that, so it's unfair to expect them to know without your telling them,so next time, just say so. Milk- well, if you're going to be having extra kids, you need extra milk. That's a no brainer, buy more milk before Shabbos. Same with snacks, unless you want to tell them no snacks, which you could, but may be viewed as a bit stingy. And as for food, a no food outside designated food areas is a normal rule and there's nothing wrong with asking the other mothers to enforce that.

amother

Aquamarine

Sat, Nov 28 2015, 10:35 pm

I think you can ask them to strip the linen. you can also nicely say that snack bags are for your kids for school. if they are comfortable by your house they will go through your food especially if they have kids. as far as milk if they dont tell u in advance but its a common problem why dont you just ask them o do u need milk for bottles when u invite them. as far as the couch and eating not by table ur really in a tough spot. I dont have a playroom and let my kids jump on dining room couch. I have a sister in law with a nice big fancy house and very well behaved kids and I dont enjoy going there because itd a pressure for me to watch my kids to follow her rules. on the other hand I have a neighbor who I dont invite so often cuz her kids destroy my house and I dont want to say anything cuz I dont want her to feel about me the way I feel about sis in law.

Sat, Nov 28 2015, 10:37 pm

Not jumping on the couch and eating at the table are two rules you should feel comfortable enforcing. Tell your siblings it is important to you, and consistently remind both them and the children.

In some homes, the hosts like guests to strip the beds. Others don't want. Just let them know which you prefer, and remind them before they leave. "Just leave your sheets in the laundry room. Thanks!"

As for the food, well, it seems your siblings feel very comfortable in your home! It would be proper for your siblings to replace the snacks and milk if the supply is all used up, especially if they visit frequently and you are bearing the expense (and inconvenience). I'm sure they don't realize that the snack bags are for school. Tell them. They probably think if you were expecting guests that the milk is for them. Now that you know how much milk they use, be prepared by purchasing more for the next visit or asking them to bring some along.

The Happy Wife

Sat, Nov 28 2015, 10:38 pm

Some of these sides can be solved with communication. "Hey sis, would you mind stripping the linens before you leave? Thanks!"

Young kids staying for Shabbos usually need milk. Plan ahead. It shouldn't be such a surprise after it happens a few times. Have extra nosh too.

Explain house rules. Food must be eaten at the table. No jumping on the couch. Add in any other big rules.

Don't let the resentment build over little things. Just plan and communicate.

The Happy Wife

Sat, Nov 28 2015, 10:46 pm

amother wrote:

I think there are different expectations for guests and close family, like sisters. Especially if they come often. I'd think you'd want them to feel comfortable and make themselves at home.

happyfaces

Sat, Nov 28 2015, 10:46 pm

The Happy Wife wrote:

This or maybe money is the issue. Can they bring along extra snacks for there kids?!

The Happy Wife

Sat, Nov 28 2015, 10:51 pm

happyfaces wrote:

This or maybe money is the issue. Can they bring along extra snacks for there kids?!

Yeah, they probably should be some snacks. But the OP didn't mention financial issues. She just said it was annoying to go back to the store for snacks.

The Happy Wife

Sat, Nov 28 2015, 10:59 pm

happyfaces wrote:

Or op can lock up her pantry and have plenty of nosh outside whatever is not ment to used should be locked up.

I don't know, I think that sounds a bit extreme. Wouldn't it just be easier to say sorry, those are just for weekday?

happyfaces

Sat, Nov 28 2015, 11:03 pm

The Happy Wife wrote:

I don't know, I think that sounds a bit extreme. Wouldn't it just be easier to say sorry, those are just for weekday?

Maybe or maybe not. Depending how comfortable op is with saying that.

notshanarishona

Sat, Nov 28 2015, 11:11 pm

I would think if they come regularly that you can ask them to occasionally chip in for groceries if you are tight for money. Depends if it the same sibling coming a couple times a month or if each is coming once in a few months.
Not to make themselves at home in the pantry is something they wouldn't know if you don't say something. It's pretty much self understood when you are a guest at someone's house, especially with little kids, especially a relative, that you don't bother the host every time your kids want something to eat.

amother

Red

Sat, Nov 28 2015, 11:19 pm

So it sounds like everyone agrees I'm being too sensitive. Obviously the milk is not a problem every time, just an example. It drives me crazy to see them hunting around my pantry, fridge and cabinet when there is a very ample supply of food set out on the table/pantry. It something I would never do, but maybe it's the norm. And yes, each sibling comes once every 3 months so it's not like I can make rules once or figure out what each one needs and get it in advance.

OK, gotta work on my patience.

amother

Bisque

Sat, Nov 28 2015, 11:23 pm

notshanarishona wrote:

It's pretty much self understood when you are a guest at someone's house, especially with little kids, especially a relative, that you don't bother the host every time your kids want something to eat.

I disagree. This is a boundary issue. Ask first. OP set food out on the counter. It is rude to go into anyone's cabinet uninvited.

amother

Yellow

Sat, Nov 28 2015, 11:57 pm

amother wrote:

Dunno. I'm also in a situation where younger siblings feel comfortable coming over.

It's flattering and all, but certain things would drive me crazy, too. For example, a sibling (who came by Shabbos afternoon, not sleeping over) needs to use a bathroom, so he goes upstairs, where there's a bathroom adjacent to my bedroom door.

Maybe my bedroom door was left open, and maybe it's not in a state where I feel like I want other people seeing inside?

Wouldn't you think you should ask if it's ok, before going upstairs in someone else's house? (There's a first floor bathroom for guests, so no reason to go upstairs.)

Other things too. Anyway, my point is I think it's more of a sibling thing than a guest thing, OP.

Justlookup

Sun, Nov 29 2015, 12:24 am

I think your feelings have a place but it sounds like your siblings are just, plain and simple, really comfortable by you.
Sounds like you took over the mommy position, and that's pretty much how we often behave at our parents, even if it's wrong and out of place. (Not justifying them at all, just pointing out what seems to be going on
Its also possible you led them to feel this comfortable out of the goodness of your heart, by telling then earlier on to make themselves at home, help themselves etc etc so now they're used to behaving like this but now it's bothering you.
I would suggest sending an email to all your siblings who come, and openly and respectfully share your feelings.
Let them know you love having them and love the closeness you share but need to set some rules, and then point out different examples...

amother

Lime

Sun, Nov 29 2015, 2:14 am

I started limiting how often I host my family because they trash my house every time they come. It got too hard to handle. If they would be more "guestlike" when they came it would be easier to host.

Most guests don't start cooking in a hosts kitchen and leaving the dirty dishes for them to magically get cleaned. They also generally keep their stuff in their room and not all over the house. Also I can't afford to host them. They take one drink of water in a plastic cup and then throw it out. Do u know how many hundreds of paper goods they go through in a day? I can't afford it.

I love them but they are too messy and careless and don't make an effort to be somewhat neat in my home and it causes me too much stress.

JAWSCIENCE

Sun, Nov 29 2015, 6:47 am

Not jumping on couches/making messes/eating in no food areas are things you should definitely be mentioning beforehand and enforcing if it bothers you.

I would not find it weird if my sisters hunted though my cabinets/fridge. I expect them to do that so that everyone gets fed without my having to constantly hover. They would probably ask if a certain item was OK to give though. And three snack bags a piece a day is excessive, but if you don't have a larger bag of nosh from which they can portion then what else are they supposed to do? Food left out on counters for hours is not the most sanitary either.

The paper cup thing makes me laugh because I am not a disposable user and every time my family and my DH's family comes over they keep looking for the paper cups because they don't want me to have to wash and I keep saying "It's OK. Use the glasses. We have a dish washer".