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Am I too sensitive - guests getting on nerves!
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November




 
 
    
 

Post Sun, Nov 29 2015, 7:00 am
I don't think it's a big deal to set aside, or hide, the snack bags that you bought for your kids for school. My kids have certain toys that are harder for them to share. When that's the case, before guests arrive, I tell them to out away anything they are not comfortable sharing. You can do the same and it's reasonable.
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Raisin




 
 
    
 

Post Sun, Nov 29 2015, 7:08 am
send them a text before they come: Hi guys, looking forward to shabbos. Just doing my shopping now and I want to make sure we have the food you and your kids like. Do I need to get any extra milk? Cereal? snacks? Which types do they prefer?

I do think it is odd not to bring milk for a baby - would they expect you to provide formula? If my baby was so reliant on milk as a food source I would NOT rely on my host having enough but bring my own.

I would also put away school snack bags. (tie up into shopping bag and stick on top of cabinet) Buy big bags of snacks for shabbos instead and make sure you have little baggies to put them in. (kids like having their own bag).
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amother
Magenta


 

Post Sun, Nov 29 2015, 8:35 am
Idk I'm really close to my siblings. I still ask before going thru their pantry.
On sibling told me she'll throw me out if I ask her one more time. LOL another asks what I'm looking for and takes it out for me.
its all about individual preference.
In my house I have a food by the table only rule. Its hard to enforce. But my siblings know and try to keep there kids contained. (Son have the same rule)
I do have one sibling with no social tact. And one wit some social issue. Its hard and annoying. I smile and bite my tongue. I dont invite them often. And sometimes say no if they ask to come. I have to be well rested and REALLY up to it to host that sibling. Also they go through a weeks + worth of food in one weekend. It literally costs me $200 their visit. I need to afford it.

With all that said. I can't invite one sibling every two months and another only once year.... so I overall invite them less. Ib love spending time with them. But I have to be able and willing to pay the price. Ftr. I also moved oot.
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r1




 
 
    
 

Post Sun, Nov 29 2015, 10:12 am
My first thought was ur kids...
I always begrudged my mom when she would invite ppl that would stress her out. They need nice shabbos and should be ur priority.
They see their cousins getting away with stuff they never do
Also, they are watching some bad modeling. I don't know if u have any that will be married soon but it would be amazing to teach them boundaries of being a good host and guest.
u don't like ppl opening ur pantry, but ur kids are learning this is how guests behave in this house etc.
I agree about texting before if there's issue with basic supplies.
The other stuff I would say "I'm working very hard on consistent chinuch so absolutly no eating outside of there, and no Noah besides for yummy shabbos treat that I give"
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chani8




 
 
    
 

Post Sun, Nov 29 2015, 10:13 am
You are not old, in your complaints, but to them, it's clear that you're very comfortable. Meaning they are feeling really really comfortable by you.

You may have a case of Burnout though. Perhaps you need a big break. Consider not having guests until you feel more relaxed about it, or the chaos seems worth it, or you just get clarity on how to deal with it all.
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Simple1




 
 
    
 

Post Sun, Nov 29 2015, 10:17 am
Along the lines of what Chani said, maybe you want a turn to be guest? Are you always hosting and never going out?

Otherwise it sounds like fun - I have a small family and sometimes I wish I can have the situation you describe. With some of the suggestions you got here, you can make it easier.

And I agree about the sheets - not everyone knows that some hosts want you to strip the beds.
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amother
Smokey


 

Post Sun, Nov 29 2015, 10:24 am
We rarely host people for shabbat but have lots of shabbat lunch guests and lots of holidays guests (family birthday parties, thanksgiving, chanukah, etc....)

I spend most of my time watching a siblings kids and reminding them of the rules. The only basic rules are, no standing or jumping on the sofa, and food stays in the kitchen or dining room. This siblings kids seem to have very little supervision in general and no structure. You'd think by now, my sibling would be annoyed at my repeating the same rules over and over to he kids, but they just give a half hearted reminder.

I love having people over, but I can't stand lazy parents. It limits how often I'll invite them and I know I'll be stressed. And then my kids will start testing the rules and it's just frustrating.

So I hear you OP. In my case it's like taking to no one, the message doesn't get through. My only advice is keep trying and make your expectations clear.
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mummiedearest




 
 
    
 

Post Sun, Nov 29 2015, 10:44 am
op, I don't think you're being too sensitive at all.

I think you should send out an email to all your sibs.

"hi guys, I wanted to discuss something with all of you. you know I love having the opportunity to host you all for shabbos. I've been having a hard time with a few aspects of hosting, so I'm going to ask you all to keep some things in mind for the next time you come.

1) please strip your linens after you sleep over.

2) in our house, snack bags are for my kids for school days only. please take the nosh I put out on the counter. if you need anything else, please ask me before taking so I know to replace it.

3) I don't know how much milk your babies go through in a weekend. if you have a baby who takes a bottle, please remind me on wednesday so I can have enough milk in the house for you.

4) we only eat at the table in my house. please remind your kids of this rule.

5) jumping on the couch is not a welcome activity.

I look forward to having a great shabbos with you the next time you come.

love,

op"

I don't think any of these requests is over the top. don't doubt yourself. just let them know. you're siblings, you don't run a bed and breakfast.
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amother
Bisque


 

Post Sun, Nov 29 2015, 10:58 am
JAWSCIENCE wrote:
Not jumping on couches/making messes/eating in no food areas are things you should definitely be mentioning beforehand and enforcing if it bothers you.

I would not find it weird if my sisters hunted though my cabinets/fridge. I expect them to do that so that everyone gets fed without my having to constantly hover. They would probably ask if a certain item was OK to give though. And three snack bags a piece a day is excessive, but if you don't have a larger bag of nosh from which they can portion then what else are they supposed to do? Food left out on counters for hours is not the most sanitary either.

The paper cup thing makes me laugh because I am not a disposable user and every time my family and my DH's family comes over they keep looking for the paper cups because they don't want me to have to wash and I keep saying "It's OK. Use the glasses. We have a dish washer".


Why is food left on the counter any less sanitary than in the pantry? My kids get served food at the table. Giving kids snacks in bags encourages to walk around with food. OTOH setting food in a plate on the table teaches them to eat at the table.

I have no portable food available to guests.I remind them to eat at the table. I make a big point of sweeping and cleaning up after them if they make a mess. The parents understand we want a clean tidy house and then supervise their own children. They enforce the rules. I see the same kids going wild in other houses even with the parents there. It is a matter of demanding respect for your house.
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amother
Indigo


 

Post Sun, Nov 29 2015, 10:59 am
Op, you are not being too sensitive but its a matter of the guests"" point of view!! I do think sibilings should feel comfortable to be able to take milk or ...from fridge/pantry bec they are siblings not just guests!! But it seems more of a financial issue with the snacks/milk (unless I'm wrong) bec I also many times have exactly the right amount of snacks /milk...but only bec I can't afford extras --I dont want to get stressed like u are so I can't have guests at this stage of my life but wen I did have guests often I always bought a lot of extra things and asked gursts what they like/need --why can't u ask them wat they need before they come??and always get extra!! Wen I had extra of something I bought for guests, I always sent it with them if I couldn't use it!!
The no eating anywhere but-- rule is a very normal rule but VERY HARD TO ENFORCE SOMETHING I TRY TO DO WEN MY SIS IN LAW comes over but her baby wants to take the food to the toys and my sis in law has a small place so she lets her kids eat wherever in her hos!! A lot of parents dont follow this rule in others homes unfortunately but u have every right to be annoyed !! Same with the no jumping on the couch rule!! I hav that rule in myhos too but my babysitter doesn't enforce it!! Right now I got rid of my couch bec I have young kids who always are tempted to jump on the couch and after one child got hurt in afraid that for a drop if I'm not watching they'll break a leg or...so this rule is really hard to enforce but definitely normal to ask of all guests III including family!! I dont know how others are always hosting guests/family bec I he stressed for the same reasons u explained about food all over /jumping on couch...so stopped having ppl over which ppl may criticize but I have to be healthy emotionally/mentally so I can take care of my kids/spouse!! Only one sibiling always asks to com over still so I said it'll have to be during the week wen im off From work --I bought pizza and was able to be more relaxed ...this,may sound crazy to some but I already have stressful job so I don't need more stress from shabbos guests/sibilings
Good luck
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MamaBear




 
 
    
 

Post Sun, Nov 29 2015, 11:12 am
You should buy extra food in advance if they are eating extra food. Put out snacks and tell them this is what you have for the kids to nosh on. You should buy extra milk if there are extra kids around, that's obvious.

Certain things like couch jumping are normal in other homes. My sil doesn't care. I do and I have no problem telling her kids to please stop, that we don't permit that in our home because we take care of our furniture and belongings. And we have a small trampoline in the playroom as a perfect alternative. Wink

The food thing: when we lived in a small apartment we ate everywhere - because there was no where else to go. It was all one space. Teaching kids to eat in one area is something they may not be used to because it's something you sometimes only teach in a proper house with multiple spaces.

Just speak up about your wishes and try to prepare better. More kids will always equal more mess and more work though, that's just how it is.
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amother
Wine


 

Post Sun, Nov 29 2015, 11:39 am
Welcome to the Bubbie club, where we try to tactfully ask our dear daughters and daughters in law to enforce our rules about food and couches. And it seems you're standing in for the Bubbie! But some parents are just lazy, as noted above, or view going to Bubbie (or big Sis) as a vacation from parenting.

I do not agree w/ poster above who limits all siblings because one is challenging to have too often. I am the Bubbie with the witch's hat! And I only invite the ones I am up to having, which depends on how my week went and how challenging a guest they are.

To be fair, though, one son realizes his kids are a handful, and he will call and say "I am sending 2 kids to 'other Bubbie' for Shabbos so are you up to having us with the rest?" And I thanked him and took the opportunity to mention that since his kids are very messy eaters, if his wife is busy with the baby could he please find the broom? And he actually completed my sentence because he totally got it.

(If I'm at my daughter's house & the downstairs bathroom is busy, I ask her if it's okay to use her private one. But not everyone, especially men, would realize that.)
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spring13




 
 
    
 

Post Sun, Nov 29 2015, 11:51 am
It's not a big deal to ask, a few days before any given family comes, "How much milk do you guys think you'll need for the weekend?"
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Notsobusy




 
 
    
 

Post Sun, Nov 29 2015, 11:52 am
I disagree with the other posters who say to send an email. I think I would feel very uncomfortable if I got such an email. But you can mention some of it when you invite them. Be clear, not vague, but nicely let them know that you need them to enforce some of your rules. Same with stripping the beds. Before they go pack to leave, ask them to please strip the beds. I feel if you make a big deal out of something, it becomes a big deal and people end up with hurt feelings.

As far as milk or nosh bags, I always ask my guests if there's something they like or dislike or need for their kids, before I do my Shabbos shopping. Like this if somebody only drinks seltzer, but we never drink it, we have it for them. It's really not a big deal.
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Amarante




 
 
    
 

Post Sun, Nov 29 2015, 12:33 pm
I don't think you are too sensitive. While relatives certainly are treated with less formality and can take certain liberties, that doesn't mean you have to be a doormat.

I think your requests are pretty reasonable and I would bring them up in person nicely.

Regarding jumping on couches and not eating outside of designated areas - absolutely reasonable for the children to obey these reasonable house rules.

Since money doesn't seem to be what is bothering you, I would just buy a lot of milk to prepare. I am assuming that you wouldn't then be stuck with milk that would go bad.

Regarding noshes, I am in the middle. I don't expect my family to have to ask if they want something to eat. On the other hand, I think it is perfectly reasonable (for whatever reason) to have food that is off limits. I would personally put off limits food someplace where it is clear to parents or children that it is off limits and explain nicely. Since some of the noshes are already parceled out for school bags, that's a pretty easy way to go. But I think it has to be clear that this food is off limits for a reason and that they are free to help themselves to anything else. I am not sure what the school nosh is but I would provide the same kind of nosh for your guests unless it's an issue because you don't want your children to be noshing on that stuff during the weekend.

I am going all over the place with the food :-) because I do believe there is a balance between being able to keep certain food uneaten when you have a good reason and not putting your entire food supply off limits. When I was a kid, my cousins and I would not stand on ceremony if we were hungry or thirsty. On the other hand, we also knew that there were limits - I.e. we weren't allowed to eat junk in limitless quantities.
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amother
Red


 

Post Sun, Nov 29 2015, 12:37 pm
OP here, thanks for all your responses.

It's not about money. It's about a weeks worth of groceries getting eaten in one Shabbos. I serve extremely generous meals. Trust me no one is hungry! It's about buying a treat that begins with the letter D for show and tell an having someone open it and eat it without permission - and only realizing it when your kid's bus is coming in 5 minutes.

Thank you for bringing up the cup thing - it's using a pack of 200 cups for 4 people in on Shabbos that usually last a week in my house. Filling up cups of water to the top from my water machine for a 3 year old and spilling out most of it dozens of times (because its so fun to dispense!)- making me to call the water company and get a special order of water. It's just pure waste that I would never allow my kids to get away with.

I always text before Shabbos - do you guys like salmon? what kind of dips do you like? Soda? I leave a small thing of candies/chocolates by their night table with a water bottle. I really try - I just ask you don't go through my things. Or let your kids trash my house.

I know how stressful it is to have someone constantly tell your kids what to do. That's why I avoid it, but the resentment is eating me up. The person who diagnosed me with burnout is probably correct. I never go away - my DH likes his comfort zone- so I probably go away for Shabbos only once a year.

One more thing - why wouldn't a hostess want the linen stripped? Is someone going to sleep there after you used it? I find the stupidest question of all to be "Would you like me to strip the linen". I always feel awkward saying yes - especially since it's usually asked at the top of the stairs when I'm walking them out. So I just say 'no it's fine'.
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amother
Bisque


 

Post Sun, Nov 29 2015, 12:51 pm
amother wrote:
OP here, thanks for all your responses.

It's not about money. It's about a weeks worth of groceries getting eaten in one Shabbos. I serve extremely generous meals. Trust me no one is hungry! It's about buying a treat that begins with the letter D for show and tell an having someone open it and eat it without permission - and only realizing it when your kid's bus is coming in 5 minutes.

Thank you for bringing up the cup thing - it's using a pack of 200 cups for 4 people in on Shabbos that usually last a week in my house. Filling up cups of water to the top from my water machine for a 3 year old and spilling out most of it dozens of times (because its so fun to dispense!)- making me to call the water company and get a special order of water. It's just pure waste that I would never allow my kids to get away with.

I always text before Shabbos - do you guys like salmon? what kind of dips do you like? Soda? I leave a small thing of candies/chocolates by their night table with a water bottle. I really try - I just ask you don't go through my things. Or let your kids trash my house.

I know how stressful it is to have someone constantly tell your kids what to do. That's why I avoid it, but the resentment is eating me up. The person who diagnosed me with burnout is probably correct. I never go away - my DH likes his comfort zone- so I probably go away for Shabbos only once a year.

One more thing - why wouldn't a hostess want the linen stripped? Is someone going to sleep there after you used it? I find the stupidest question of all to be "Would you like me to strip the linen". I always feel awkward saying yes - especially since it's usually asked at the top of the stairs when I'm walking them out. So I just say 'no it's fine'.


I don't like my linen stripped because my cleaning lady comes Monday and I like the rooms nice on Sunday. Yes, no one else will sleep in the beds. In your case tell them to strip the beds even when you are waking them out. It won't happen twice.

As far as telling the kids constantly what to do, I tell all the kids that these are the house rules. I humbly apologize to the parents and say something like I know you are busy with the baby but your son keeps dumping the water. Let them know there are rules and that if they don't enforce them you will. If the parents don't like someone else disciplining their children then they need to be vigilant. It is not up to you to tolerate nonsense. What do these parents do when the kids are in school? There are plenty of people telling the kids what to do and what not to do.

Kids like boundaries and for the most part they like approval. You can praise those following the rules.
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cm




 
 
    
 

Post Sun, Nov 29 2015, 12:57 pm
amother wrote:
One more thing - why wouldn't a hostess want the linen stripped? Is someone going to sleep there after you used it? I find the stupidest question of all to be "Would you like me to strip the linen". I always feel awkward saying yes - especially since it's usually asked at the top of the stairs when I'm walking them out. So I just say 'no it's fine'.


Some people have a housekeeper do the linens, and don't want a big pile of sheets lying around until her day. Or they have limited space, or other laundry to do first, and don't want a big pile of sheets lying around until they get to them, etc etc.

It sounds as though your siblings feel like family in your home, not like "Guests." This has its pros and cons. And it sounds as though both you and your siblings take for granted that certain ways of behavior are correct. Take nothing for granted. Your siblings do not know that certain snacks are not for guests. Tell them. Clearly they are not making the same assumptions as you, and are not reading your mind.
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JAWSCIENCE




 
 
    
 

Post Sun, Nov 29 2015, 1:07 pm
amother wrote:
Why is food left on the counter any less sanitary than in the pantry? My kids get served food at the table. Giving kids snacks in bags encourages to walk around with food. OTOH setting food in a plate on the table teaches them to eat at the table.

I have no portable food available to guests.I remind them to eat at the table. I make a big point of sweeping and cleaning up after them if they make a mess. The parents understand we want a clean tidy house and then supervise their own children. They enforce the rules. I see the same kids going wild in other houses even with the parents there. It is a matter of demanding respect for your house.


I was not talking about chips. She mentioned she places food out for guests then she said someone was taking fruit from fridge instead of the outside foods. Not everyone gives their kids chips/pretzels/ type of snack. I would Not like cut up fruits veggies and other real foods to be out all shabbos.

I never said to eat food away from the table. In fact I told op to enforce that. She also mentioned someone took a lot of snack bags. I asked if snacks were available in larger bags etc for those people To portion from. I could care less if it is eaten in a bag at the table or on a plate at a table. As long as it was sealed properly when put out on the counter.
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mummiedearest




 
 
    
 

Post Sun, Nov 29 2015, 1:55 pm
glutenless wrote:
I disagree with the other posters who say to send an email. I think I would feel very uncomfortable if I got such an email. But you can mention some of it when you invite them. Be clear, not vague, but nicely let them know that you need them to enforce some of your rules. Same with stripping the beds. Before they go pack to leave, ask them to please strip the beds. I feel if you make a big deal out of something, it becomes a big deal and people end up with hurt feelings.

As far as milk or nosh bags, I always ask my guests if there's something they like or dislike or need for their kids, before I do my Shabbos shopping. Like this if somebody only drinks seltzer, but we never drink it, we have it for them. It's really not a big deal.


the idea of sending an email to all of them is to avoid pointing fingers at any one specific sibling. this is a request that the sibs respect op's feelings and hard work. the other option would be to tell guests as they come in, "I set aside nosh for you guys on the counter. please don't take anything else." that seems harsher. of course, op could just stop hosting, but I don't think that would be a good idea without explaining the issues.
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