Am I too sensitive - guests getting on nerves!

amother

Bisque

Sun, Nov 29 2015, 2:01 pm

JAWSCIENCE wrote:

I was not talking about chips. She mentioned she places food out for guests then she said someone was taking fruit from fridge instead of the outside foods. Not everyone gives their kids chips/pretzels/ type of snack. I would Not like cut up fruits veggies and other real foods to be out all shabbos.

I never said to eat food away from the table. In fact I told op to enforce that. She also mentioned someone took a lot of snack bags. I asked if snacks were available in larger bags etc for those people To portion from. I could care less if it is eaten in a bag at the table or on a plate at a table. As long as it was sealed properly when put out on the counter.

If someone wants their kids to have cut up fruit and vegetables then they should bring it rather than help themselves. These are not first time guests. I need to eat bananas so I bring enough for me and anyone who might see and wasn't some. I assume OP meant snacks.

amother

Burgundy

Sun, Nov 29 2015, 5:53 pm

Re: milk- you definitely should provide. Thats an easy one just buy an extra gallon for when you have guests. Its unreasonable to make ur guests shlep perishable items. I would buy some snack bags and HIDE the regular ones im a bag in your basement. Nothing wrong with doing that!!! Why should you have to go shopping again? As far as linens- just ask nicely if "is it possible if you can strip the beds ao I can toss it in wash"- totally not awkward. So much better to ask nicely than say "its fine" and be resemtful. Re- the jumping on couches and eating all over- I would be annoyed too. But here I think you need to let things go or not have guests so often. 2x a month eounds extremely often!!!! Maybe do like once every 2 months and see if these things still bother younsonkuch. Its anlotnofnwork to host esp if you are not naturally extremely laidback. There is abs. Nothing wrong with needing your own space on the weekends which is a family time.

Last edited by amother on Tue, Jul 03 2018, 8:25 pm; edited 1 time in total

amother

Bisque

Sun, Nov 29 2015, 6:38 pm

Mommycookies wrote:

You do not have to let anyone jump on your couch ever. You are wrong to tell OP she has to let things go. This is nonsense. Kids do not get to behave like savages ever especially in someone else's house. These kids sound like undisciplined brats.

OP you can maintain a lovely home even hosting large families if you insist on basic house rules. Once the rules are known the parents will enforce them if you are consistent.

WhatFor

Sun, Nov 29 2015, 8:41 pm

mummiedearest wrote:

the idea of sending an email to all of them is to avoid pointing fingers at any one specific sibling. this is a request that the sibs respect op's feelings and hard work. the other option would be to tell guests as they come in, "I set aside nosh for you guys on the counter. please don't take anything else." that seems harsher. of course, op could just stop hosting, but I don't think that would be a good idea without explaining the issues.

I agree and think a mass email, if done right, does not have to be offensive or awkward at all.

To all my favorite siblings,

Thank you all for making so many shabbats/shabbosim a joy for our family. Dh and I and our children absolutely love it when you come for shabbat and we look forward to many more exciting shabbats/shabbosim with you all. As the visits have become somewhat regular, DH and I thought it would be more efficient to implement a few "house-rules" to help make cleanup easier for us and to facilitate an easier transition to the week, post-shabbat. I want to reiterate that we absolutely love having you all, and would be devastated if this was somehow interpreted to mean that anyone is, chas veshalom, not welcome in our home. These "house-rules" are solely to help make housekeeping smoother on our end as we get to continue to enjoy our always fun mishpacha gatherings:

1- Please let me know in advance if you think any child will require a lot of milk (insert other problematic foods).
2- Going forward, all nosh served for shabbat will be placed on the table/counter/x cabinet (so that all of our darling kinderlach don't consume the snacks our children are supposed to bring to school).
3- Please let's all make sure that our children do not jump on the couch and do not use the water cooler as a toy. I know we all get distracted with each other's company, but if we all make an effort, I think we can get them in line!

(etc)

I think if it's phrased in a lighthearted way, couched in terms emphasizing that this is not personal and it's a communal effort, then it can be okay. Also, once such a message is sent out, it would be far less of an issue for the OP to discipline other children if their parents aren't on the ball. The parents know what's up and that these are the rules.
A line could even be added, "Let us know if you have any other suggestions about how we can further enhance our get-togethers!"

Orchid

Sun, Nov 29 2015, 8:45 pm

I also like to keep the used linen on. I change it right before the next guest comes, otherwise, if I change it earlier, it doesn't look fresh when the new set of guests come.

Other thoughts:
Don't send an email- the written word can be taken too harshly.
Instead, when sibling asks to come, just say, "and by the way, can you please make sure the kids don't jump on the couch and only eat in the kitchen? These are the same rules my kids have to follow all the time."

The other things you should say in real time "Chani, can you please make sure Yossi isn't wasting water?" Or perhaps you could disengage the dispenser for Shabbos?

Also - you seem to be working too hard for the guests. When hosting, I don't go out of my way to only buy the dips they ask for, for example. What would happen if you would serve a basic meal of chicken and potatoes? Delicious and plentiful, but you're not working too hard. This way you might feel less burnout, and by extension, less resentment, that they aren't fabulous guests.

mummiedearest

Sun, Nov 29 2015, 8:59 pm

WhatFor wrote:

while I agree that your email might be more pleasant, many people would react to this by thinking "she doth protest too much." repeating that this is not personal usually makes it seem more personal. also, the note seems way too apologetic. people who respect you and your property do not need the email, and those who need the email will ignore it once they sense it's not serious. if you apologize for your feelings, the blame is on you, not the guests. a straightforward "hi, this is what I need from you" gets the point across. your second and third points can be taken as snarky and condescending when typed. I suspect that if you spoke those lines out loud, you wouldn't feel they felt genuine.

WhatFor

Sun, Nov 29 2015, 10:49 pm

mummiedearest wrote:

I agree with some of this as well, and if the email route were explored, it should be a natural voice, spoken in a tone the siblings are used to.
As for the apologetic issue- there should be no actual apology in the message, and if this were a business relationship, the tone would certainly be inappropriate. But this is a family relationship where the OP wants to keep a long-term happy relationship with her siblings, and it seems that no boundaries were ever set- as opposed to people violating established boundaries. Also, I get what you're saying about the blame issue, but not sure why blame has to be a factor. OP is trying to figure out a way to have her issue resolved without hurting any of her family members.
In any case, OP, you certainly have a right to stand up for what you need from your guests. It's probably best that you communicate your issues to them or take a break, instead of feeling resentful. Do what works for you.

zaq

Sun, Nov 29 2015, 11:47 pm

WhatFor wrote:

Do you really use such hifalutin language with your sibs? Say it ain't so. This message, minus the Yiddishisms, sounds like something my Regional Manager might send out to all personnel after a reported "episode". "implement"? "reiterate"? "facilitate"? You-all am just way too edjimicated. Try being real people instead of corporate drones.

Anonymiss 1

Mon, Nov 30 2015, 1:46 am

It sounds like you're burned out from hosting, and need to take a little break. It happens to all of us!

Honestly, I don't consider family "company". I prefer that they make themselves at home in my house.

When little things come up, such as jumping on the couch, I just matter-of-factly address the point and that way it never becomes a big issue.

Trust me, your siblings would rather be told these things as they come up, instead of having you stew over them! If they knew you were bothered by something but didn't say anything, they would probably not be comfortable in your house.