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Am I incompetent?

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mommy3b2c

Thu, Dec 10 2015, 11:08 pm

I always read threads here in which women describe themselves as working full time, no cleaning help, bake their own challahs, never buy take out, iron all their own clothes, do carpool everyday, have a bunch of kids,etc...

I don't work at all, have cleaning help, usually buy challah, send to the cleaners/cleaning lady irons, send kids on private bus, have three children bh.-(two in elementary, one baby.) you get the picture...

It seems obvious that my house should be spotless, I should be fabulously well rested and have tons of time. Laundry should always be folded and put away. I should always smile and have tons of patience. There should never be dishes in the sink, dinner should be a fancy three course meal, etc...

However, that is just not the case. My house can be flying in the evenings, although I do tidy up before bedtime. I'm usually to tired to do the dishes though. I do clean the rest of the kitchen. I do have patience with my kids and try to play with them, read stories, bake with them and do crafts, but there is barely any time between doing homework and taking care of the baby, and I do lose my patience plenty of times. I am far from well rested, and I actually get colds from feeling so run down. Laundry often is left unfolded in the basket. I make a nice supper every normal night- meat, starch, vegetable- but nothing fancy. Free time? None. I am busy all day, and don't accomplish half the things I am supposed to. A lot of the sahms on this site claim they are bored. I don't have time to be bored, I am so busy! I need to buy a dress for a party I am having, and I haven't found the time yet!

I am quite happy with my life, but I really think there might be something wrong with me. How does everyone manage to do it all? Why am I of all people so incapable?

chag334

Thu, Dec 10 2015, 11:36 pm

You are not incompetent. Every neshama comes into the world with their own set of kochos and chesronos. Someone told me recently that the image of the perfect housewife is an illusion, it does not exist. Everyone, yes everyone, has their flaws and every home has it's cracks. The woman with sparkling homes sometimes sacrifice quality time with children or drive their spouses mad with frustration at the most innocent things. You should feel blessed if your cracks are on the surface. For the record I totally relate to you. I have twins and my house is literally always upside down. I thank G-d that that's the shortcoming in my house instead of c"v shalom Bayis issues or not being engaging or present enough with my kids. That's how I'm able to give to my kids. Some moms give to their kids by providing an immaculately organized and clean environment. I'm not good at that. I prefer my cracks on the surface instead of deep in our hearts or relationships G-d forbid! You are wonderful!

chag334

Thu, Dec 10 2015, 11:38 pm

Also no kids ever suffered damage from a messy home:)

oliveoil

Thu, Dec 10 2015, 11:42 pm

You're not incompetent, just less competent than others. Or less productive. Or maybe you just don't care.

mommy3b2c

Thu, Dec 10 2015, 11:53 pm

oliveoil wrote:

You're not incompetent, just less competent than others. Or less productive. Or maybe you just don't care.

I care, I just don't see how it's possible. As is, I spend a lot of time reorganizing closets and drawers to get everything neat. Maybe because I'm still in an apartment and there is just not enough room. Also, I'm not a particularly slow person. That's why I can't understand it.

mommy3b2c

Thu, Dec 10 2015, 11:54 pm

chag334 wrote:

Also no kids ever suffered damage from a messy home:)

It's not messy. It's just not super neat. And it should be. There is just no excuse.

amother

Copper

Fri, Dec 11 2015, 12:12 am

Well what do you do all day?

tichellady

Fri, Dec 11 2015, 12:25 am

I can get a lot more done in the day if I have structure. I find that when I work it is easier for me to have a routine in terms of making dinner and cleaning and stick to it than when I am not working. maybe you are the same way. one strategy that works for me is to say I will set a timer for the next 20 minutes and clean and then actually do it.

mommy3b2c

Fri, Dec 11 2015, 12:29 am

amother wrote:

Well what do you do all day?

In the mornings I make breakfast, get kids ready for school, make husband lunch, bathe baby, go on errands until 1:00ish, eat lunch, housework, paperwork, make phone calls,cook supper, serve supper, do homework, bath time, bedtime, clean up house. In between I am taking care of and nursing a baby. Like I said, I am busy all day. On cleaning lady days, we are both busy all day.

mommy3b2c

Fri, Dec 11 2015, 12:32 am

tichellady wrote:

I totally agree about the structure, which is why I'm very structured. Read the post below yours. Like I said, I'm not sitting around and wasting time. I'm pretty organized, and my house is pretty neat and clean, but compared to others, I seem incompetent.

mommy3b2c

Fri, Dec 11 2015, 12:33 am

And why is my op getting likes?

cnc

Fri, Dec 11 2015, 12:36 am

For some reason I found that when I worked full time, my house was way more organized and I accomplished a lot more (in errands, fancier dinners etc...).
I only work for a few hours a week now and my productivity level has drastically decreased. House is not always as organized. Supper is not so gourmet. It's as if I went into "lazy mood"...

cnc

Fri, Dec 11 2015, 12:37 am

mommy2b2c wrote:

And why is my op getting likes?

Most likely, because other posters are in the same boat as you!

mommy3b2c

Fri, Dec 11 2015, 12:44 am

cnc wrote:

Well not me. The most I ever worked was 30 hrs a week and I nearly fell apart. My mom made me shabbos every week. I bought take out a lot. I hired a mothers helper for very evening plus a cleaning lady a few times a week, and I got the flu, bronchitis, strep and an ear infection besides for all the viruses and colds. Like a said, I'm just not capable like other people are.

MyTimeNow

Fri, Dec 11 2015, 12:44 am

I'm wondering- if someone else had written your OP, wouldn't your response be something along the lines of: "look at everything you ARE doing! You only have to be the best you, with the energy, strengths, and challenges YOU have."
Sooo...why not be as kind to yourself as you'd be to someone else? 😉

cnc

Fri, Dec 11 2015, 12:47 am

mommy2b2c wrote:

And if you're not capable like others, there's absolutely nothing wrong.
Every person was created differently with their own strengths and weaknesses.
(Although according to the way you describe your daily structure you sound quite competent and organized to me.)

mommy3b2c

Fri, Dec 11 2015, 12:48 am

runningmom wrote:

Well, most people who write these posts are feeling really bad about themselves. I don't really feel bad, I just feel like I'm missing something that others have. And I worry, what if G-d forbid I have to work full time in the future and I don't have any help, what would happen to me!??

amother

Violet

Fri, Dec 11 2015, 12:53 am

mommy2b2c wrote:

It's not messy. It's just not super neat. And it should be. There is just no excuse.

How much cleaning help do you have? Because I've seen people with cleaning help for 12 hours every day.

amother

Lemon

Fri, Dec 11 2015, 12:55 am

Most people who are working full time with no help are not having the perfect home.

Truth is children take a lot of energy. Nursing a baby takes many hours a day. If your kids are happy and your DH is happy then you are doing it right.

chani8

Fri, Dec 11 2015, 3:03 am

I was going along with your self-critique until you mentioned that you're nursing a baby.

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