Help! Anxious five year old!

amother

Copper

Sun, Dec 20 2015, 8:45 am

My five year old used to be the most easy going, adaptable child. This summer we left her and our seven year old with my sister while we went away for 6 days so we could her away before we had our baby. Since then she has been so clingy and anxious. She won't even go to the bathroom if we're not right outside to wipe her. She gets nervous if she's in a different room from us and can't hear us. She flips out when we leave her with a babysitter. And now she's refusing to go to the Sunday program she begged for. We are at our wits end. We've tried reassuring her that we'd never leave without her, that we'll be there if she needs us to wipe her, that we'll pick her up on time, etc. She just screams and cries until she makes herself feel sick. How do we handle this?? Has anyone else dealt with this? Please help.

5*Mom

Sun, Dec 20 2015, 9:52 am

amother wrote:

It's not surprising that all your reassurances that you will not leave and will be there for her are not successfully reassuring her because you did actually leave. And then you brought a baby into the house = huge transition for a child. You have lost her trust and it will take time for you to earn it back. For now, I'd stop *telling* her that you will be there for her and just keep showing her. If she wants you to wait outside the bathroom door, wait outside the bathroom door. If she wants to skip her Sunday program to stay home, let her skip her Sunday program and stay home. If she's nervous that she can't hear you and comes to check on you, give her a hug and a kiss and say, "here we are." Be very matter-of-fact about it. Give her cuddles and extra time to just be with you and of course, extra understanding that this is how she is going to feel for a while and that's okay.

FranticFrummie

Sun, Dec 20 2015, 10:04 am

I had a very long reply typed in, and then my computer plotzed! I hope I can sum this up again.

First of all, you are very smart for catching this early. I have a very anxious DD, and I did all the wrong things with her. I didn't know until we all ended up in therapy and parenting classes. It's taken us years to undo the damage, and we're still struggling.

As a parent, you are naturally inclined to want to protect her from every negative feeling, but that's not helping her. A little discomfort is how she learns how to grow, and becomes resilient. It's the difference between being a hot house flower, and being a tree in a forest. She needs to learn how to withstand the storms, not to be completely sheltered from her own feelings.

First of all, STOP reassuring her. You are giving her anxiety positive feedback. Instead, tell her that you believe that she can handle it. She will hate this, and complain more, so keep insisting that you know she can do it. Eventually you will rebuild her confidence. Reward her every time she does even the tiniest thing independently.

For pete's sake, quit wiping her tushie, she's 5 years old! Buy her some flushable wet wipes, so she can do a good job for herself. She needs to feel like a big girl, not a baby.

(Now, does anyone have any ideas about how to get my 12yo to want to sleep in her own bed? Seriously, this is what happens when you enable anxiety too much. I'm not joking.)

5*Mom

Sun, Dec 20 2015, 10:11 am

FF, WADR I believe there is a world of difference between situational anxiety brought on by being left behind at relatives while parents went away (OP I am not judging you; parents go away from time to time, it's a fact) PLUS new baby shortly thereafter and an anxiety disorder. The one will not necessarily lead to the other and the responses should be different because their causes are different.

I do agree that the less said the better; the less attention called to the anxiety as anxiety the better - which is why I don't think it's a good idea to prize the child for doing things independently. Too big a deal. She wants Mommy to do it for her? If Mommy reasonably can, she should and then move on.