Helping married kids equally or on a need basis

amother

Tangerine

Tue, Dec 22 2015, 10:48 am

Do you help your married kids the same or on a need basis. This is really a rant. Am I being a selfish brat or do I have a vaild complaint. I have a college degree and work full time and BH manage without help from either side. DH is still learning in Kollel. My two other married sisters are similiar to me. The are professional and my parents are not helping. My brother on the hand lives in Israel and his wife barely works. She definitely looked for jobs and I know that a good paying job is hard to find especially for an American. I know there are jobs that are online and American hours that are always looking. Obviously those jobs are not ideal but if you need money those are available. My parents do not give him steady support but they do give from time to time. I am fine with that. BH we are making it day to day and do not need my parents help. My parents are by no standards wealthy and they have single kids at home still and tuition to pay. I have a brother and sister shidduch age. My sister in law made a comment that she doesn't want to come home for Pesach this year. She knows that if she comes in for Pesach my parents will probably just bring in my brother if there is a wedding. If my parents dont bring them in Pesach than there is a bigger chance the whole family will be brought in for a wedding. That comment really got me upset. First of all if you come in Pesach both sides split the tickets where a wedding all the tickets are on my parents bill. Second why do you think all these tickets are coming to you? I do not live driving distance to my parents and have to pay for tickets whenever I go to my parents. My parents do not give me any money towards these tickets. I mentioned I am doing okay which BH I am, but 4 plane tickets to go home for Yom Tov is a big expense for me. I am by no standards wealthy I am just covering my day to day expenses and putting a little away for a house which no one is giving me a dime to help buy. When my parents make weddings they do not fly me in. I fly myself in. When my brother gets brought in my parents pay for his tickets to America and than again from NY to where my parents live. My parents dont have money and have a large family and I do not expect for a second them to fly all their kids and grandkids in. Is it so selfish of me that I dont think its fair that my brother is getting his 4000 travel expense totally paid for and I don't get a dime. I think it would be a lot more fair to give all kids some. Yes he needs it more than me and yes his expenses are much greater than mine. I wouldnt be upset if he got more than me. But it really gets me upset that he gets his travel 100 percent paid and I get nothing. You chose to live in Israel you should have to at least figure out part of your way home instead of getting an all expense paid trip back all the time. Am I brat or is this situation not fair. end of rant. thanks for reading.

Chayalle

Tue, Dec 22 2015, 11:00 am

In these types of situations there's usually alot going on behind the scenes. For example, who is supporting your brother living in E"Y if your SIL isn't working much and your parents aren't? I'm going to guess it's your SIL's parents financing your brother's lifestyle...so what I've seen is, in these situations there are things your parents may have agreed to with the shidduch that come into play.

So many parents marry off a son that the other side supports, but then there are other aspects they have to deal with.

I totally get your feelings, though....I have 4 brothers living in E"Y and they end up with more support than those of us who stayed in the US.....

amother

Tangerine

Tue, Dec 22 2015, 11:06 am

Yes the other side is supporting them. Yom Tov both sides are splitting. When my parents make a wedding they are obviously paying 100 of the travel expenses. Is so mean of me to expect my brother to come up for the some of the money himself for the wedding so I can get a little help to? I mentioned off hand to my parents. They know I am going to come in for anything and will pay my own bill and not cause any fights. I think they are scared to ruin a relationship with my brother or his wife by demanding they pay for some of it themselves.

amother

Olive

Tue, Dec 22 2015, 11:32 am

amother wrote:

Why are you entitled to anything because your brother gets $?

If your brother didn't get anything, Would up still expect $?

amother

Bisque

Tue, Dec 22 2015, 11:55 am

I am the oldest granddaughter. My grandmother paid for my college but when my brother said he wanted to get a degree she said, sorry, she can't. She also pays for my kids day camp AND overnight camp for years but not for my siblings' kids. OTOH they all live more comfortably than me, we really struggle despite the fact that I have a degree and a good income. I feel guilty sometimes that I get things my siblings didn't get. But then I didn't ask/beg/nudge for these things, she offered.

I am "smarter" than my siblings (in an academic sense only) so could be she felt the investment in my education was worth more. Who knows. I wish she was able to afford to help all of them the way she has helped me.

allthingsblue

Tue, Dec 22 2015, 11:57 am

I think you're being very nitpicky (excuse my made up word). Did your sister in law or brother explicitly tell you that the reason why she doesn't want to come in for Pesach is so that she can come in for a wedding? If not, that's a terribly large assumption to make- there can be a myriad legit reasons why she might not want to come. And if she parents have the means to do much of the supporting, I doubt she's doing this to spare her parents from having to pay for tickets.
Instead of using your energy to focus on the "problems" you should look for your blessings. Be happy you can support yourselves! So many others wish to be in such a position.
And if I read correctly, your sister and brother aren't even engaged, so why worry about a wedding that may not even happen this year? That's irrational, if you ask me...

amother

Tangerine

Tue, Dec 22 2015, 12:03 pm

Yes she said explicitly said that shed rather come home for a wedding than Pesach. True no one is even engaged but its the concept that bothers me. They would be coming home for Pesach without paying a dime too. They are choosing to save the all expense paid trip home for a wedding than Pesach. The pesach trip my parents would be paying half of. The wedding IYH 100 percent. I am thrilled for her that her parents can support and she barely works. I am happy for my brother that my parents help him out from time to time also. Travel is a real killer for me though. yes I am jealous that my parents are helping him with travel and not me. I think it would be lot more fair if we both got some. I guess life is just not fair.......

amother

Periwinkle

Tue, Dec 22 2015, 12:07 pm

It's pettiness. My in-laws haven't helped us at all since we got married although my parents did. From time to time my MIL will buy kids pajamas or baby gift but nothing major or even minor more like insignificant (because I can't count on it, so my kids already have enough pj's for the season when I get another pair on Chanuka...)

In any case, it bothers me when I see my SIL getting her kids' whole yom tov wardrobe paid up or MIL goes shopping with her to buy her kids' shoes and then pays for them. What's the difference? Her dh, the son-in-law is in kollel so it "posses" for them. My dh, the son, didn't get any money so he had no choice but go to work and now that he works he doesn't need money, right? at least not as much as his sister whose dh is in kollel and she nebach works so hard, right?

So I'm glad we're ok but it bothers me that when we needed the help we didn't get while they do.

Chayalle

Tue, Dec 22 2015, 12:10 pm

amother wrote:

If your brother is being supported by SIL's parents, then you are expecting SIL's parents to come up with the money, since they are the ones supporting. That's why your parents feel this obligation to pay to bring them in - because her parents are supporting their son, and they would not likely want to pay this expense.

It has nothing to do with you really. If your parents didn't have this expense of flying them in, is it money they would then spend on you? Maybe it would instead go to some other expense. So it's really not related to you and your expenses at all.

Tzutzie

Tue, Dec 22 2015, 12:18 pm

My parents feel an obligation to help out my brother more than us girls. The way they see it is their son took a woman as a wife. He is supposed to support her and their children according to the kesiba. So if he is struggling they as parents should help out. (Nut that they have much to help.
So maybe your parents have the same
outlook on this issue. It's not that he is mute important. They feel more obligated towards him asks his wife.
They might feel, If your husband is struggling, his parents should his/help him out as much as they can. Same as they do for their son and sil.

5*Mom

Tue, Dec 22 2015, 12:18 pm

These threads come up from time to time and I just cannot fathom one thing: How does everyone know who gets how much from whom??? I have siblings and I have no idea what, when or how much financial help they have ever gotten from our parents. I know my parents have given us here and there for a simcha, or a yom tov when DH was in kollel, so I can assume that they give/have given to my siblings here and there as well, but I'm sure some of us have gotten more and others less (I have many married nieces and nephews and I am assuming that my parents have helped with weddings where they could, but they are not well off and are both retired, so I'm also assuming that there won't be the same funds available for the younger grandchildren than the older ones and that's just the way it is) and it would never occur to me - or any of my sibs - to count up and compare. I just can't wrap my head around it.

amother

Periwinkle

Tue, Dec 22 2015, 12:20 pm

5*Mom wrote:

Some ppl are open about it Twisted Evil

amother

Periwinkle

Tue, Dec 22 2015, 12:23 pm

Tzutzie wrote:

That makes sense. The way my in-laws see it is that their son could go work but they prefer the SIL to stay in kollel so they need to help their daughters who are nebach working so hard.
They don't consider how hard I worked when DH was in kollel or the fact that I still need to work cuz Dh doesn't earn much... They figure that with both of us working, we're ok and they only have to worry about their duaghters.

amother

Smokey

Tue, Dec 22 2015, 12:26 pm

You sound like my sister. Our story: We have a brother who choose to live a kollel life. His wife choose to have a playgroup in their home. My father has always helped them. No, it isn't fair. He bought them a home, he pays their phone bill, buys nice presents, gives $, helps with cars, pays insurance and other gifts. On the other hand, my dh and I put ourselves through school without any help from him. We were thrown off his cell phone plan and auto insurance policy. We recently had to struggle with IVF costs while my father is helping them have more and more and more children without them thinking. My sister, like you, is mad. She and her dh bought their own home and work very, very hard. My father is literally taking the little he has for himself and handing over to my brother --my bother is literally taking his last pennies. My attitude: I feel so badly that they are willing to take someone's last dimes without thinking of another person. When you feel badly for them and their lack of middos, you don't feel angry anymore. I pity my SIL that she doesn't see that she causes harm and pain. I feel pity that the learning that goes on in her home doesn't impact them. And, it teaches me to treasure my dh, his hard work, his learning, his attitude and his middos for not letting this get to him. I really hope that people with similar stories (because there are many) realize how much richer your lives are with middos tovos and with what ultimately is our purpose here in this world -to become close to Hashem. We rely on Him and not a person.

amother

Periwinkle

Tue, Dec 22 2015, 12:27 pm

amother wrote:

Thank you. This made me feel better. (Not OP)

Chayalle

Tue, Dec 22 2015, 12:29 pm

amother wrote:

Is your brother demanding the support from your father, or is your father choosing to do so?