Spinoff attending wedding bring no gift/check

sourstix

Tue, Dec 29 2015, 10:40 am

why do pp think they have to bring a gift or check? I think if we start with that we will understand it better.
if you wanto bring a gift then do so. there is no obligation especially that going to a wedding with all the details it entails is expensive enough.
I am going to focus on the question first. then we'll take it from there.

nyer1

Tue, Dec 29 2015, 10:50 am

it's become the social norm, which I don't think is such a terrible thing. of course if someone can't afford to bring a gift there is no OBLIGATION, but I think it's become a social norm. the gifts we received at our wedding were greatly appreciated. we didn't get one from every single person that came, and some were bigger than others. I don't hold it against anyone for not bringing something, but those gifts definitely helped us to set up our home and establish some savings together as a newlywed couple.

there have already been numerous threads on this.

sourstix

Tue, Dec 29 2015, 10:52 am

I am going to answer first. there is no reason why. we bring it bec giving a gift makes us feel closer to the baalei simcha. thats all. if you have appreciation for the baal simcha for something they have done for you and now is your opportunity and you wanto give then thats a good idea.
I DO NOT SEE A REASON AS AN OBLIGATION. stop expecting so you wont be frustrated. pp come to make you happy. you have to spend money on making a wedding thats a whole separate issue. I feel sorry if you expected and didn't get. there are so many things to be grateful for the marriage alone dont get caught up in the little things that pp have decided to add an expense thats not necessary.

its nice to realize that pp have weddings often and to pay for babysitters and what not that comes along. I have a wedding in the near future, a neice and I simply cant afford to spend what I am already. I had nothing to wear so I bought and my kids are coming. no choice. tolls and gas and coming home late and everyone being tired the next day. does that not sound enough effort to you?

I am speaking to the orignial poster I dont know if shell read it but everyone else can join too

amother

Ecru

Tue, Dec 29 2015, 10:59 am

sourstix wrote:

Agreed. For me to attend a wedding often means $40 for a babysitter plus about $15 for gas and tolls. Sometimes DH has a job offer at night which he will pass on in order to attend the wedding. Loss of $30. Total cost: $55-$85. In my book that's plenty.

amother

Pearl

Tue, Dec 29 2015, 11:59 am

Maybe I run in different circles, but I usually got nicer/more generous presents for people that were unable to attend my simcha for whatever reason. The people who actually came, usually gave smaller gifts or no gifts at all. Their gift was that they shlepped to my simcha at whatever cost it entailed.

amother

Navy

Tue, Dec 29 2015, 12:15 pm

coming from another point -

my parents had few simchas to attend (small family, not social). when they attended they always wrote out a check - and they did not have extra $$ at all but they felt that they could not possibly attend without giving something.

My dh has a very large family. There are simchos often a few times a week. Since we are very tight and there is always something else to attend we hardly ever give anything. IS it right? Probably not - but I'm sure we're not the only ones in this large family who are not giving.

My friend traveled from another country and left her whole family at home so she can attend her nieces wedding. I was surprised to see that she shlepped along a gift (it looked like a picture). She invested so much to be there and I wasn't sure it was necessary to bring a gift. BUT she is a very giving person - not much money but always looking to help others and do the right thing. The kind of person who would probably buy her neighbor a baby gift from walmart but really didn't have to give one at all.

So I think it's probably the right thing to give something small if that's all one can afford. Maybe you can't give a $10 check for a wedding but you can buy a small gift item with a nice note.

And really, no one should judge --- just do what you feel is right for you.

amother

Ecru

Tue, Dec 29 2015, 12:18 pm

myself wrote:

Sourstix, I presume you don't come from a community where this is the norm. Neither to do I. Bear in mind though that it's very cultural and is somewhat expected in certain communities.

Yes. In communities where couples aren't bought shtufir, wedding gifts are the way the young couple can afford their basic necessities.

sourstix

Tue, Dec 29 2015, 12:23 pm

there is no judgement here. one reason I feel is. after the war pp were very excited when there was a simcha. it was diff then. everyone felt close to each other and wanted to contribute and help. at this point most pp have so many simchas and its never ending. I think the reason really has gone out. its time to drop it. you can if you wanto but dont feel obligated. and dont feel bad if you dont. coming alone and the expenses that come along I feel is enough. helping the young couple stand on their feet is a nice thing. but the original post from the other thread sounded entitled and angry. like you should feel uncomfortable. no I shouldnt feel uncomfortable. I did nothing wrong. in fact I was nice that I came.

pesek zman

Tue, Dec 29 2015, 12:32 pm

You think you're doing a favor to people of you go to their wedding?

I see it very differently. I go to weddings of close family and friends when I want to share in their simcha. And I always give a gift. Not because it's my duty to help set up their home, but because that's what people do. Look at the whole world of wedding registries and engagement registries. It's accepted practice in the western world to give wedding presents. If you can't afford a 'nice' present, then in my opinion a token gift (photo frame, platter) is better than showing up empty handed.

Perhaps this is cultural but in my world there is a word for people who Go to weddings and don't give a gift. CHEAP. And not cheap the way someone is when they reuse plastic bags, but rather a person who doesn't have generosity of spirit. What a terrible midah

Ema of 5

Tue, Dec 29 2015, 12:35 pm

pesek zman wrote:

I've never heard of going to a wedding and not giving anything, no gift at all? How low class!

Or....how different from the norm where you are. Giving a gift or check is not the norm in every community. There is no reason to put down people who have different norms than you.

Ema of 5

Tue, Dec 29 2015, 12:37 pm

pesek zman wrote:

I guess I'm a CHEAP, lacking in generosity of spirit person with bad middos.....

cnc

Tue, Dec 29 2015, 12:38 pm

pesek zman wrote:

Wow. You're coming across very harshly.
How often do you have a Simcha?
I think sourstix most likely runs in the same social circles that I do. I can easily have 3 or 4 weddings /bar mitzvahs a week. And I'm not even up to the stage where I'm marrying off my own

Am I really expected to give a gift at each one?
I should hope it's my presence that's wanted, not the present. It takes a tremendous amount of energy and it's not always easy to go, but I try because it's the right thing. I never even assumed that a gift came into the equation here.

amother

Navy

Tue, Dec 29 2015, 12:41 pm

pesek zman wrote:

right - so I was thinking it's about middos a little. My friend who spent on airfare still brought a gift simply because she is a giving person who wants to give to people and do the right thing.

At the same time, it's those kind of people who expect nothing from you at all. Givers just give - it's in their blood. They feel terrible to take.

It is good middos to attend a simcha and say mazel tov. If it's a close enough person why not give - lets say a challah cover from closeout connection? I think I've seen them on sale for $10. I think it's about making people feel good ..letting them know that you're thinking of them.. happy for them.

So that's what I think is right. BUT I am attending a wedding tonight empty handed as of now. Am I doing the right thing? NO --- but no one will judge me and perhaps I will give something later on.

pesek zman

Tue, Dec 29 2015, 12:41 pm

cnc wrote:

Then perhaps it's is cultural like I thought. No I don't have several simchas a week: I never heard of anyone who does.

I'm sorry to offend. I guess expectations are different in different circles

cnc

Tue, Dec 29 2015, 12:44 pm

pesek zman wrote:

Then perhaps it's is cultural like I thought. No I don't have several simchas a week: I never heard of anyone who does.

I'm sorry to offend. I guess expectations are different in different circles

Most of my acquaintances have very large families kh, so there are constantly simchas.

By my own wedding, I received very generous gifts from my non religious relatives who were so happy to share in the Simcha. They have weddings a few times a year and it's a major deal to them.
Of course , when I get to their Simchas I make sure to reciprocate appropriately.

sourstix

Tue, Dec 29 2015, 12:47 pm

listen a lot of pp are struggling financially. its hard. to keep giving gifts all the time. its never ending. thats why I think its not fair to make pp feel guilty or say they are cheap. many of the weddings I attend are cousins I dont see all year I dont even know them. we live in diff cities. its my inlaws family. shes close to her siblings if she feels she wants to give she can. but uhoh if I decide not to come bec I dont knwo the chasan/kallah then inlaws would be angry. so I come but its a favor to her. the cousins have so many pp by the wedding they wouldnt even notice that idont come. they dont even remember if I came. so why do I need to do this effort? and still give a gift?