Wwyd if you DC (18 months) came home from playgroup bitten?

Leahh

Tue, Jan 05 2016, 10:38 am

amother wrote:

Sorry but if my child were coming home being bit and more than once and by the same child then I'd be extremely upset and would demand that the childcare prevent this. If not, then the biter shouldn't be allowed in playgroup without constant supervision.

Biting is different. There is a risk of infection. And it really hurts. And what does it teach the child being bitten? That adults who are supposed to take care of you cannot manage a recurring known unsafe situation from happening repeatedly. Not okay. (not to mention what it teaches the "biter". But it is not an equally stressful situation.)

It's tough being the mother of the biter and it's also tough being the mother of the bitee.

I would get on top of this situation urgently before it escalates and causes bigger problems.

Except in the scenario mentioned your child is the instigator and not so well behaved. So what would you say then? If your child bullies the other child and in return your child gets bitten why is the other child at fault? Because there's a physical mark of what the other child did to your child but no physical mark of what your child did?

gold21

Tue, Jan 05 2016, 10:53 am

amother wrote:

Ok eema of 3, you said it all so well! I actually like every single thing you said! I was upset I even posted because people take 1 thing you say & think they know exactly how your parenting skills are, your personality, etc, from just 1 post. I was starting to realize why the last time I logged on was at least 3 months ago. You made me appreciate what imamother is here for. Thank you!
I am pretty skilled in floortime & as much as I don't want to take any advice from someone who was nasty like that, I AM A GOOD MOTHER, as opposed to what she thinks, and I will take her advice & see if it helps the situation. (I have been doing similar things, but only once in awhile. Now I will do it religiously)

Why would anyone think youre not a good mom?

BH I didnt ever really have to deal with biting in playgroup/school setting. As I recall, I think one of my kids did bite in playgroup/nursery once or twice, but it wasnt a common occurence so it wasnt something I had to really deal with. But that same kid used to bite his older brother at home all the time and I was going crazy trying to put an end to that behavior!! Nope I didnt think I was a bad mom. Guess what. My kid grew out of it on his own. BH.

amother

Brown

Tue, Jan 05 2016, 11:56 am

I actually had this situation this year, my 18 month old was being bitten repeatedly by the same child, and I pulled her out of the group. The difference was that the Morah was not doing enough, she said she was trying but there was no consequence at all for the biter. Now that dd is gone I hear that other children are being bitten.

OP, I truly feel for you but in my book there is no tolerance for biting because it is worse than other forms of aggression. I have other children who were very aggressive toddlers, at the first sign of biting I would calmly put the child in a pack n play, car seat, etc. and ignore them for the allotted time. I would ignore other forms of misbehavior, never with biting.

Ema of 5

Tue, Jan 05 2016, 12:12 pm

amother wrote:

So you're saying the kid who is constantly bothering the biter shud be ignored because taking toys from another kid is less aggressive?
And op is clearly NOT ignoring the biting, she came here asking for suggestions what to do and said she is going to try some of the tips.

HonesttoGod

Tue, Jan 05 2016, 12:59 pm

smss wrote:

That's absolutely ridiculous for 18-month-olds. shock

If you really can't find a better daycare, keep her home with a private babysitter.

Actually not. 1:6 is a pretty normal ratio in most places. In some places it is a 1:5 ratio.
Biting can happen even when there are 3 kids in a room with 3 adults (BTDT)!

Most kids go through this phase, it is very age appropriate. Some only bite toys others start to bite kids and it has to be taught that it is wrong.
I have been the mother of a biter and the mother of the bitten kid (the latter more often). When the teacher told me my son bit I spoke to him and worked with her to prevent it. It was happening because he was frustrated with speech delays and because this specific child kept taking away his toys.
When he was bitten, the other child was having the same issues so I was understanding. But one time it was a pretty bad bite (I took him to the dr to have it checked out since there was a deep cut) and I told the teacher she has to deal with it before my son goes back into the classroom with the biter.
It was sorted and they are now really good friends. Ironically.

A good tip for biting children is to give them a lemon or onion - if they want to bite, they bite this. They learn pretty quickly not to bite (unless they like lemons and onions then there is a problem lol).

OP I would just keep checking that the teacher is on top of the situation and the other mother knows. Do NOT approach her yourself, if she knows it is happening I am sure she is trying her best to stop it too. It is not fun to be on either side of the story. If things get really bad, speak to a dr or maybe ask the teacher to get the other child evaluated.

Chayalle

Tue, Jan 05 2016, 3:04 pm

Don't have the time right now to properly read thru this whole thread, so apologizing in advance if what I say is extraneous. Just skimmed this.

OP, first of all Hug

from the mother of a former biter to another. My DD bit repeatedly when she was in 2-year-old playgroup. The mother of the bitee was calling for her immediate expulsion from the group (cheers to the Morah who never told me who that mother is. I'd rather not know) and I was feeling rather desperate. How am I supposed to control my 2-year-old behavior if I'm not even there? Is it even my job to do what I cannot do? Is it the Morah's job? Isn't it normal behavior for a 2 year old anyway? These were all thoughts of desperation.

Truth is everyone is right.

The mother is right. She is sending her child to playgroup - not to the zoo with open cages - and she has a right to expect her child to be safe.

As a parent, I was right. I have a right to expect a Morah of 2-year-olds to be competent and know how to deal with age-appropriate behavior. And no, I did not (and still don't) have a dysfunctional household, I'm not a bad parent, and my child's biting had nothing to do with anything of the sort. Neither does she have any language/speech issues. It is simply a method of defense that some children will use when provoked, just as others will use hitting, scratching, or even simply crying. It's a behavior - and one that needed fast change.

The Morah is right - my child is not the only one in the group, and she was finding it too hard to prevent my child from biting.

In my situation, I actually spoke to a child behavioral expert (Mrs. Leah Trenk of Lakewood) since I heard from others that she has a method for dealing with biting, and it was in my best interest to deal with this. I paid for a session between her and the Morah, and she taught her a method to stop my child from biting. I don't know exactly how it went - I know it involved restraining my child on the Morah's lap when she was about to bite - involved close supervision for a day or 2 - and it worked, my child stopped biting in a very short time frame, and everyone calmed down B"H.

I very much recommend you speak to a child behavioral expert in your area, since what you are looking for is behavior modification.

Wishing you much Hatzlacha.

Miri7

Tue, Jan 05 2016, 3:34 pm

One of my children also had a biting phase at that age. Like others said, it's fairly typical at this developmental stage just before the child is able to express him or herself verbally. Don't worry - it will pass.

My preschool talked with us about it, and their plan of action was to provide more intense supervision - it sounds as though it should be easy in your case since it's one particular kid - and stay close to intervene before the bite occurs. When a bite happened, there was the usual firm "no" and positive instruction regarding using words to communicate feelings.

Here it sounds as though it should be fairly simple to address the toy-snatching issue and thus remove the motivation to bite. This is just a phase, and the caregivers should be prepared to provide more intense supervision until this phase passes.

My friend did have a situation where her kid kept biting for a while, and the preschool required her to pay for an additional caregiver to be in the room to specifically supervise her kid. She had to do that for a few weeks, then the biting was over.

amother

Gray

Tue, Jan 05 2016, 6:17 pm

It's really not about your mothering. You may be the most fabulous parent ever. The reality is that your child is repeatedly biting another child and the morah must supervise this to prevent that from happening. She can also supervise the other child's behavior; however, the fact that another 18 month old baby is grabbing toys or doing whatever is no excuse for biting or otherwise hurting another baby. Your baby is getting provoked; the other baby is getting hurt. It's not a contest. I wouldn't want my baby hurting another baby. And I wouldn't want my baby getting hurt (or provoked but that's not your question).

Hatzlocha

amother

Cyan

Tue, Jan 05 2016, 7:34 pm

MagentaYenta wrote:

The posters here have given you some good advice. Wise up and take it. Having the power to make your child uncomfortable and possibly endanger them doesn't mean its smart parenting.

Op here. Thanks everyone for your answers. For those of you who are trying to talk into me that it has nothing to do with my parenting skills, thanks! I know that. And for the poster who asked who told me I'm a bad parent, I take the quote above to mean that I don't have any parenting skills, I mean, I have the power to hurt my child because I am so much bigger & stronger, of course I would! (Sarcastic)

Also the mother who called the morah yelling about me basically said I'm obviously not doing anything about it because my DC didn't stop the biting yet Rolling Eyes

she was yelling and screaming about me. The morah asked if I want to call her & tell her exactly what I'm doing about it, I told her no, because I don't want to know who it is! The morahs were rolling their eyes at this mother because it seems like she always gives a hard time about everything & her kids no angel. For those of you about to freak out, yes, I understand her kids at least not hurting, but she does start all the fights. And yes, I know what my kid does is way worse, but she acts out of frustration. I visited the ped today, even after asking over the phone & I made a plan of action with the morahs, though I suspect my DC will continue biting anyway.

Chayalle, thanks for your post. Just wondering if your child was older than mine at the time he bit. Sounded like it, but I want to know. Mines 18 months. Thanks