Bullying- is this ever justified?

amother

Saddlebrown

Tue, Jan 05 2016, 8:44 pm

My 13 years old is a little behind his peers in several ways. There is 1 boy in particular that is incessantly calling him names. My son is not able to defend himself by engaging the boy in a back and forth because frankly the other boy is sharper and has a better mouth. My son says that if he (or I) call the principal it will only make it worse as he will be labeled a "snitch". My son is bigger than the other boy and my husband is advising my son that the next time the other boy says something mean to him (you smell, your a moron, I can't touch anything that you touched because its contaminated) my son should deck him with a good punch in the face. Thoughts?

imasinger

Tue, Jan 05 2016, 9:05 pm

Hugs.

It might help to read up on bullying and how to stop it.

Punchng the other kid could backfire in so many ways. He could lose the fight. He could get in trouble for violence. He could find that the taunts just intensify.

Two proven strategies are: 1) to have a friend or two to stand up and support him, and 2) to learn how to speak effectively to a bully. A therapist or social skills counselor could be helpful. Do look online and in th bookstore for particulars.

amother

Aqua

Tue, Jan 05 2016, 11:06 pm

There is a bullying expert named Izzy Kalman who has a website called bullies2buddies, where he talks about his approach. Basically it teaches the kid to use humor to deflect the bully and take away his power. The approach is FANTASTIC and super effective, especially with a boy this age. He has books on the topic and offers counseling sessions to teach the kid the skills. He also has videos modeling the technique. Very well worth it!

amother

Brown

Tue, Jan 05 2016, 11:36 pm

amother wrote:

My DS is in a similar situation and my DH told him the same thing. My DEvis a sweet kid and was mortified.

amother

Saddlebrown

Wed, Jan 06 2016, 12:26 am

amother wrote:

I really don't think this is a practical idea at all. Very often the boys that are being bullied are not sharp and don't have the personality to match wits with the bully. This is true almost all the time. If the victim would have the skills to turn the whole situation around, the bully would have likely chosen another kid to pick on in the first place.

tigerwife

Wed, Jan 06 2016, 1:15 am

amother wrote:

No, the victims are not always 'not sharp'. They are children whose self-confidence has been crushed and their will to rise above the bully has evaporated. They can definitely be trained to regain these crucial skills.

chani8

Wed, Jan 06 2016, 3:06 am

Your DH shmoozing with DS about punching the Bully in the face is a good thing. Cathartic and supportive. As long as it's discussed as a 'wish' and not 'how to'. "Of course, it's not how we handle things in real life, but it feels good to imagine beating this boy to a pulp."

I think your son needs to come up with his own way of dealing with it. There will be bullies everywhere, forever. How does he want to deal with it?

In my experience it's best to not engage, (to think "a-hole" in one's head) and walk away. Unless it turns physical, as in, the boy literally follows after him tauntingly or gets right up in his face to badger him. If that isn't the case, then insults, while a bit embarrassing, should be left in the air so they fall flat.

In the army, there was only one way to avoid bullies (like a drill sergeant), and that was to disappear. To hide, to make yourself invisible. Never make eye contact. Always look busy. Be too busy to stop and chat. When you see a bully, suddenly it's time to about-face and run the other way.

Fight, flight or freeze are the natural options. He might freeze (happens to the best of us), but he shouldn't fight, and ideally, he should choose flight. Get away from bullies.

mommy3b2c

Wed, Jan 06 2016, 10:13 am

amother wrote:

Well obviously they don't have the skills to deflect the bully. That's why they are going to a professional to help them learn those skills.

saw50st8

Wed, Jan 06 2016, 10:54 am

I'm not sure physical violence is a bad thing. My husband was being picked on my a kid in high school. He's not the type to really battle it out but one day got fed up with the situation. He started beating the other kid up. The principal walked by, saw the situation and said "Good for you!" and moved on.

The bully stopped bothering him.

Violence is not always the answer, but sometimes it's the right language.

amother

Azure

Wed, Jan 06 2016, 4:32 pm

The professional will role play certain responses with your son. The bully gets a thrill out of hurting your son. If your son doesn't react then the bully will stop because the fun is gone. Try to role play with your son and have your son say 1. So what? 2. Who cares? 3. Nu? 4. And your point is? and just recycle these responses over and over.

amother

Rose

Wed, Jan 06 2016, 5:11 pm

You can talk all you want about not fighting back and maybe that would be the right thing to do, but it's extremely hard, if not impossible for a kid to not show any emotion when being verbally abused. The bully will continue doing this indefinitely. I agree with your husband. Teach him how to fight. My son was in this situation a few years ago. My husband taught him how to throw a punch. My son knocked the other kid down once and that was the end of it. The bully came to respect my son and now they are actually friends.

amother

Aqua

Wed, Jan 06 2016, 5:21 pm

amother wrote:

And what happens if the bully is physically stronger or is better trained in fighting skills? This is very risky and dangerous advice, IMHO. Is this boy going to go around punching everyone who says something mean to him? How will this play out when he becomes an older teen/adult? He can go to jail for this behavior.

Parents, it is far better to teach your child verbal skills to deflect bullies and diffuse conflict. This will serve them well for life and equip them for the future. They will feel empowered and secure. Plus, no criminal behavior attached to it.

Swissmiss

Wed, Jan 06 2016, 7:58 pm

I would call the school anyway, and if the bully says he's a snitch, then tell him how to say (in an obnoxious and condescending voice) something like "Look little man, I know you think you're all big and bad, but you need to learn that if you talk that way you can get into real trouble. Now run along"

Teach your son to speak from his "stomach" (deeper/stronger voice) rather than his throat (more squeaky) and look the bully in the eye and state "you need to go back to your seat and leave me alone"
Also, I've found that the more "condescending" he is with the bully the more likely he will be left alone. "What are you a beheimah? (In mocking voice repeat what bully said) "What are you 3?" "Don't you have anything better to do?"

But you probably have to give him these tools. My son is the sweetest thing on earth and I had to teach him phrases like this.

If the problem persists then:
If he really can and will successfully be able to engage in a physical altercation with the bully, this is what my son was taught in his Krav Maga class:
(Obviously a fight is a last resort)

If the bully does not stop then the child says "Are you challenging me to a fight? If not then you need to go back to your seat and leave me alone"
then the bully can either say "no" (usually they are all bark no bite) or "yes" in which case he waits for the bully to "start" (and if he knows how to defend himself he can deflect whatever the bully does) and then he makes sure to finish it.

But he really needs to know how to defend himself if he is going to say that. Even just giving him a couple of self defense classes can give him the confidence he needs to stand up for himself so he won't need to fight.