Ashkenazi/Persian Wedding HELP!!!

amother

Papaya

Sun, Jan 10 2016, 12:36 am

We are very Ashkenazi/American, and our DS wants to marry a lovely Persian girl from LA. Her mother and I are trying very hard to understand one another, but it seems like EVERYTHING about Persian weddings is different than what we're used to.

Is there someone here who is Persian who can help me understand what their expectations are? Her mom is very sweet but she doesn't seem to understand that our cultures are very different, and telling me that it will be a "normal" wedding doesn't help.

Anyone??

amother

Black

Sun, Jan 10 2016, 12:44 am

Mazel tov! I am totally ashkenazi/american and very happily married to a Persian. What kind of things would you like to know?
Food and music might be different but that is something you can easily work out in advance. Minhagim that may be different are not having a real yichud room (ask his rav), no bedeken and not walking around 7 times (though I did those anyway cuz I wanted to).
IMO Persian girls make the best wives so your son is very lucky!! Very Happy

amother

Papaya

Sun, Jan 10 2016, 1:04 am

The biggest problem is that everyone is assuming that what they think is "normal" is what everyone else thinks is "normal."

We told the kids that they can have the ceremony they want, so we will have a tisch and a bedecken and we (mothers) will walk around 7 times with her. The band will be Ashkenazi and the food Persian, though they will have pity on me and make something bland for me.

I really don't want a fancy black-tie/evening gown affair for hundreds of people but I think that to them, that's "normal."

We managed to get past the biggest cultural difference, who pays for it. Apparently Persian grooms pay for everything. We've agreed to split the cost.

What's up with serving tea and cake right after the chuppah? Won't my guests think that the party is over?

amother

Papaya

Sun, Jan 10 2016, 1:06 am

There was no shadchan. She's his roommate's cousin and they met in college. Yes, her father told me he expects us to pay for everything but her mother and I agreed to split it.

Oh and lately all of their friends are doing something with wrapping a tallis around the couple under the chuppah so I imagine they will do that. I'd like DS to wear a kittle but I won't force him. Much. Actually thinking about it, the last few weddings they've been to have been "Ashke-Sfard".

amother

Black

Sun, Jan 10 2016, 1:11 am

Ok it's good they want to be accommodating! I think many Persians do like big, beautiful weddings... but so do many ashkenazim I know so I don't know if that's a cultural thing really...
We didn't do the tea and cake thing... but I dont think that your guests will think the wedding is over if you didn't have the meal and all the dances yet...

amother

Black

Sun, Jan 10 2016, 1:18 am

Yes it was is my husband's minhag to put the tallis over both of us under the chuppah. And also by sfardim the chosson walks all the way up to the chuppah and then the kallah walks halfway... then her parents leave her in the middle of the aisle and walk up themselves. Then the chosson goes to meet her and walks her up to the chuppah. Just thought you should know so she is isn't stranded there Wink

Everyone at my wedding thought it was the nicest thing...

amother

Papaya

Sun, Jan 10 2016, 1:19 am

Are you in LA? It's like another world. I just don't see spending more for a wedding than a down payment for a house. Her mother and I went to Olympic Collection and they were very rude and treated me like is was an intermarriage. I mean, the guy spoke to her mother in Farsi the whole time. It was also $200 pp.

amother

Papaya

Sun, Jan 10 2016, 1:25 am

The tallis thing seems to be everywhere now. The last wedding we attended they did it, and both kids were Ashkenazi.

We attended a Persian wedding (not frum) some years ago where the procession was ALL of their aunts and uncles sort of dancing down the aisle clapping to the music, shaking hands and kissing everyone (both cheeks of course!) When the bride and groom finally came down the aisle I didn't really notice who walked where and when. Very joyful but a little wild for my taste.

DrMom

Sun, Jan 10 2016, 1:38 am

If I were in your shoes, I'd be glad the family is wiling to split costs, and try to be flexible regarding Ashkenazi minhagim and customs. They seem to be willing to work with you (Ashkenazi music, Persian food, etc.).

BTW, in my experience, in most weddings I've attended which are of mixed edot, the chuppah follows the chattan's minhag.

Who is the mesader keddushin?

amother

Papaya

Sun, Jan 10 2016, 2:16 am

The ceremony is entirely the kids' choice. The kids don't care about the food and they told us they wanted a "regular" band. No one will tell me what "regular" means, so her mom and I decided that since she cares about the food more than the music and I care about the music more, she'd get the caterer and I'd get the band as long as someone feeds me something bland and the band brings some Persian music to DJ.

My family will be as baffled by the food as theirs will be by the music and we've asked both vendors to do their best to accommodate.

The biggest problem is that no one understands that there are cultural differences, and if (to take one example) they expect to walk their daughter half way down the aisle and then have my son go to walk her the rest of the way, SOMEONE NEEDS TO TELL HIM THAT.

We've already discovered that the Shabbat Chatan and the aufruf are NOT the same thing and we were planning the same event for different days.

Rutabaga

Sun, Jan 10 2016, 3:56 am

Maybe you should each sit down with your respective children and write up a very detailed list of what is considered normal in your circles from engagement through shana rishona. Then you can compare and figure out differences and priorities.

I went to a Persian wedding once and had a wonderful time even though I had no idea what was happening most of the time. Maybe you should have a program available for the guests so they can follow more easily. The food was delicious - you should give it a try!

amother

Oak

Sun, Jan 10 2016, 4:15 am

Step-by-step EVERYTHING to do with the wedding, to avoid surprises. Even though DD and DSIL had regular ashkenazi chuppah, I wanted a complete idea of what to expect and when - especially as I knew I'd be handing her wine etc.

Knowledge is power!

amother

Orange

Sun, Jan 10 2016, 7:17 am

It sounds like this is not your first child's wedding but it sounds like it may be the first on the other side. And it sounds like this is the first one for you with what may seem to be such different expectations. Cultural or otherwise.

I would approach it as you would any other wedding in which the two sides may have different ideas across the board. I would walk through each step and decide together just like in any other situation. That way you avoid the confusion of "normal" and not knowing what that does or does not mean.

Sometimes a wedding planner can help lay out all the steps for you and the mechuteneste to talk about. Though you could make a list on your own and simply each side has to be as concrete as possible. Example, "in our weddings we did such and such going down the aisle....what would you like to see happen so we can decide." If she says "normal" make her explain exactly who she sees walking down when. It's very possible that she simply does not know or recall all the details so give her the list of questions so she can call her people and get the answers so you can put your heads together. She may be on overload so you can make a list of questions and set times to discuss not all at once. Also this gives her and you the opportunity to speak with your children about that which they'd also like to see happen. It's a process.

It sounds like your DS is happy and you like the girl so you're ahead of the game on all counts!

Mazel Tov!

Raisin

Sun, Jan 10 2016, 7:25 am

I don't think persian food is that spicy. The recipes I have tried have involved cinnamon with meat, and rice with carrots and raisins. (someone persian can correct me if more spicy dishes are common) Its delicious and I am sure your ashkenazi guests will enjoy trying something a bit unusual.

Other posters gave you good advice.

Mazel tov!!!!

amother

Cobalt

Sun, Jan 10 2016, 7:48 am

amother wrote:

Everyone at my wedding thought it was the nicest thing...

My daughter married a sefardi guy and we did this it was so nice.

DrMom

Sun, Jan 10 2016, 7:58 am

amother wrote:

- Why don't you let the couple decide what band they want?

- Will your family really be "baffled" by non-Ashkenazi food? Will they really be "baffled" by Ashkenazi-style wedding music? Presumably, you don't live in an isolated shtetl, and they live in LA, not Iran.

- The mesader kedushin should go over the ceremony with the couple so they know what to expect. Calm down.

- Since the groom is Ashkenazi one, it seems reasonable that he should have an aufruf according to his custom. The aufruf is for the groom.