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Need a change in mindset about "stuff" and "organizing".
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amother
Smokey


 

Post Wed, Jan 13 2016, 10:56 am
Hi everyone,
I really need some help in changing my mentality about owning "things" and organizing my home.

I visits friends homes and see that they have 1/4 of the "stuff" that I have. Their homes are SO much more organized and easier to keep organized because of it. I am so envious, but I fully realize that part of the problem is of my own doing. I need help changing my mindset about "stuff" and hope that you can guide me in making that change. Is there a book that might help? A blog or website? Or can you just offer advice?

I am not a hoarder or anything like that. I just tend to keep everything (not trash or anything) that we own and stash it away. Our house slowly becomes completely overwhelmed with "stuff" until we snap and go on an organization spree and sell stuff or donate it. Then things look a little better for a while, but the "stuff" just piles up again before we know it and we're back to square one.

I love bargains. And that's part of the issue. We love to read and I love seeing my kids have massive libraries of children's books. When our local schools have used book sales, I get so excited to fill boxes and boxes with books for, like, $20.

And when I see other stuff that we could use that's well priced, I immediately buy that stuff and sometimes more than one of them.

I also have problems throwing things out because it feels wasteful to me. For instance, a good example is this: I had a cellphone charger that was sort of broken. It usually charged my phone but often failed and didn't charge it at all. I really needed a new one, so I bought one. But then I didn't throw out the old one because it was 100% broken and it felt wasteful to get rid of it...So I stashed it in my bedside table drawer "for a time when I might need an extra charger"). Then another example is this. This morning I put on socks and noticed that one sock was frayed and torn in a manner that wouldn't be conducive to sewing it. So I decided to throw it out. But I actually found it tough to throw the other sock out because it wasn't torn. That's ridiculous, of course, because one sock is useless! I did throw both of them out, but the fact that I struggled with that is just silly and I don't think I should've struggled with it.

I'm also a foodie and love to cook. I'll buy a small jar of, say, a special sauce and use 2/3 of it. But then the jar will sit in my fridge for 6 months untouched. It eats up valuable fridge real estate and I realize now that I should've thrown it out when it only had 1/3 left....but that feels so wrong to me!!

And finally....when I buy new clothes for myself, I have a hard time getting rid of old stuff. Even if I haven't worn something in 2 years, if it still looks good and isn't torn, I find it hard to donate it or throw it away....even if it's totally not my style anymore. I just think "There's nothing technically wrong with this short, so I shouldn't get rid of it". I want to get to a mindset where I can comfortably say "I wore this for two years and now I don't wear it anymore. It's OK for me to be done with this shirt, even though I technically could still wear it".

Please tell me if there's anything you think could help me change my mindset. I want to get to a place where I have less "stuff" and don't feel so bad about it.
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amother
Floralwhite


 

Post Wed, Jan 13 2016, 11:17 am
I find it easier to "donate" then to throw away. I have a hard time throwing away stuff. Even easier is giving to people you know. For example I had a perfectly good table cloth but it wasn't stain proof so I never used it, I gave it to a friend who was willing to use it- win win! Some organizations will take bad quality clothing because then they'll sell it as rags...

when I need chizuk sometimes I'll read a paragraph from "its all in your mind" which talks about how you can't get bracha if you are holding on to stuff you aren't using. It's a frum book.

go through your stuff and put what you aren't currently using in storage- think basement attic... it'll make your living spaces feel more manageable but you aren't actually "getting rid of it" after some time passes it might be easier for you.

realize that having less stuff is a "gift" you are giving your child- my dd who is 5 is thrilled when a declutter her closet- of course some stuff she won't let me give away even though it never gets worn but in general... it's just easier and calmer for her....

reading blogs of other people with same issue might also help- for example living well spending less, money saving mom talks about it...

I hear ya though, it's something I struggle with also. Good luck!
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zigi




 
 
    
 

Post Wed, Jan 13 2016, 11:20 am
www.aslobcomesclean.com she talks about getting rid of things containerizing etc
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lfab




 
 
    
 

Post Wed, Jan 13 2016, 12:09 pm
OMG I could have totally written this thread. I also keep way too many things that should really just be thrown out or given away. For example, my shoes will start to wear out so I'll buy a new pair. But I won't want to throw out the old ones just in case... Also with other clothes I have such a hard time separating from my stuff. I had clothes from when I first got married and before I had kids that were never ever going to fit me again. I only recently gave them away (after not fitting into them for over 7 years and they literally just sat there unworn for that whole time). Or my kids will win or be given a stupid chatchke and I'll hate to get rid of it. Or even some very nice toys that they have been given as gifts but they never play with (maybe once or twice a year they'll remember it and play with it). My husband will tell me to get rid of it but I just can't bring myself to get rid of something that was gifted to them- even though they totally wouln't care I feel awful. Or when we get things in the mail I'll feel like I have to save everything, again just in case I might need it later. And if someone offers me something for free (say some kids clothes, or household items) I'll always feel like I really want to take it, even if I don't really really need it because hey why not, maybe one day I'll be able to use it. And it drives my husband crazy because he hates clutter. And I always feel like I have no space to put anything! Wish I could emotionally detach myself from stuff so that it wasn't so hard for me to just get rid of the things I don't use/need anymore. And to stop accumulating stuff that we don't really need.
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ra_mom




 
 
    
 

Post Wed, Jan 13 2016, 12:21 pm
The rule to live by is when you get something new, something old has to be thrown out in exchange.

For example if your shell has a small hole and you wear it until it starts bothering you at which point you buy a replacement, you cannot put the new one in your wardrobe until the ripped one is thrown out. Even if technically you can keep it as an emergency extra. Don't.

Another example is if the kids get a new prize that they'd like to add to their special possessions box, ask them which item in there they're willing to give up in order to make room and welcome the new item into the box.

In addition, choose a room each day, set the timer for 5 minutes, and go on a speedy decluttering spree. Scan or shred your incoming papers, toss last week's arts and crafts, throw out the little piece you found and stashed on the shelf because you don't know what to do with it, get rid of the extra baby bottle nipple that has started to leak... This keeps you on track. Do a different room each day so that each room gets a 5 minute decluttering weekly.

And when you do the deep clean decluttering spree now in preparation for the above maintenance, rule of thumb is if it wasn't touched in the last year, get rid of it. Quickly, so you don't have too much time to think about it. It's not baal tashchis to throw it out. It's baal tashchis to waste your living and breathing space.

Another thing I've learned the hard way regarding kids clothes is that if they don't get passed on / used right away, the material doesn't hold up as well, age stains set in, the shape goes out of style even if the style of the item is a classic... And the clothes end up going to waste. So even though it hurts to give those pretty clothes away, if you don't have another child that could use it within the next 2 years, just give it away to someone who can actually use it right away, so it doesn't go to baal tashchis.

We need to stop thinking that getting rid of something is wasteful, and start remembering that holding onto to extra is wasteful. Oh do I need this reminder. Thanks OP for this thread so I could remind myself.

Good luck!!
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5mom




 
 
    
 

Post Wed, Jan 13 2016, 12:39 pm
It helps to think about the value of your space. When you empty a shelf, you're not wasting money by giving stuff away, you are buying a bigger house.
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lfab




 
 
    
 

Post Wed, Jan 13 2016, 12:45 pm
ra_mom wrote:
The rule to live by is when you get something new, something old has to be thrown out in exchange.

For example if your shell has a small hole and you wear it until it starts bothering you at which point you buy a replacement, you cannot put the new one in your wardrobe until the ripped one is thrown out. Even if technically you can keep it as an emergency extra. Don't.

Another example is if the kids get a new prize that they'd like to add to their special possessions box, ask them which item in there they're willing to give up in order to make room and welcome the new item into the box.

In addition, choose a room each day, set the timer for 5 minutes, and go on a speedy decluttering spree. Scan or shred your incoming papers, toss last week's arts and crafts, throw out the little piece you found and stashed on the shelf because you don't know what to do with it, get rid of the extra baby bottle nipple that has started to leak... This keeps you on track. Do a different room each day so that each room gets a 5 minute decluttering weekly.

And when you do the deep clean decluttering spree now in preparation for the above maintenance, rule of thumb is if it wasn't touched in the last year, get rid of it. Quickly, so you don't have too much time to think about it. It's not baal tashchis to throw it out. It's baal tashchis to waste your living and breathing space.

Another thing I've learned the hard way regarding kids clothes is that if they don't get passed on / used right away, the material doesn't hold up as well, age stains set in, the shape goes out of style even if the style of the item is a classic... And the clothes end up going to waste. So even though it hurts to give those pretty clothes away, if you don't have another child that could use it within the next 2 years, just give it away to someone who can actually use it right away, so it doesn't go to baal tashchis.

We need to stop thinking that getting rid of something is wasteful, and start remembering that holding onto to extra is wasteful. Oh do I need this reminder. Thanks OP for this thread so I could remind myself.

Good luck!!


Thanks for all these great points. My problem is that I know all this in theory- it's just so hard for me to actually follow through with it. It's just so hard for me to throw out/get rid of the stuff I have (even if I know I'll likely never use it again). Sometime I think it's the fact that we'er on a tightish budget that causes me to think like this. If I get rid of something and then up needed it I won't necessarilybe able to afford to repalce it. So better to keep it just in case. But in reallity I know mostly it's just me and I need to work on changing my mindset toward stuff.
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Happydance




 
 
    
 

Post Wed, Jan 13 2016, 12:55 pm
I totally feel ya! I feel my insides churning thinking about throwing out that sock...
I think its from me growing up always on a tight budget, rarely getting new things...
One thing that works for me is putting items away for a certain amount of time - and if the need for that item doesnt come up in lets say an entire year, that box of stuff get given away. It helps me detach is smaller steps.
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bigsis144




 
 
    
 

Post Wed, Jan 13 2016, 1:00 pm
I also hold on to a lot of "stuff". I was trying to figure out how to make a post like this for WEEKS!

Especially when I think of the "I haven't bought new shoes in 5 years" or "I haven't ever bought clothes for my children; they all wear hand-me-downs and stuff I've sewn myself from the scraps of my own clothing"-type posts on imamother...

I feel like I am a wasteful, morally-bankrupt, spoiled person for getting rid of the slightly-stretched out and pilly sweater I bought at Target 5 years ago for $15.

* guilty for buying it in the first place
* guilty for letting it get worn out (maybe if I washed it by hand instead of on the cold cycle in the washing machine, you lazy person)
* guilty for having my tastes change. (Why does being in style mean so much to you? It's just a sweater, it's not like you're wearing huge shoulder pads from the 80s... have some anava and don't try to be Mrs. Aren't-I-So-Well-Dressed.)
* guilty for not wearing it for the past 2 years and letting it take up space in the drawer
* guilty for the desire to get rid of something that might (?) be useful... (maybe if I wore it with a scarf... I think there's a method for removing pilling with a razor that I saw on lifehacker...)

It's almost a relief when something gets utterly damaged (sunbleached, torn beyond fixing).

Our generation gets so much mussar for treating everything as "disposable". But seriously, the $12 shoes I bought at Walmart (or even the $150 dress I bought during shana rishona 8 years ago) are NOT meant to last forever...
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devo1982




 
 
    
 

Post Wed, Jan 13 2016, 2:55 pm
Honestly, the KonMari book (for all its imperfections and its Shinto-inspired beliefs about thanking your objects before you discard them) really, really, really helped me and DH get our "stuff" under control. Are things perfect now? Nope. But we're no longer drowning in "stuff," and cleaning up is much faster. It helped get rid of all those little lingering piles that would inevitably defeat us after a marathon cleaning spree - you know what I mean - you get 90% of the way there, and then you look at that last handful of objects and you can't figure out where to put them, it's late, you're hungry, etc. So they just stay there.

I would give that a shot - it helped changed my mindset about feeling overwhelmed and obligated to hang on to things.
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amother
Blush


 

Post Wed, Jan 13 2016, 3:15 pm
I find the kids closets the easiest to organize. Twice a year, after Pesach and Sukkos I go through the clothing. Before purchasing any new items, I go through last seasons stuff to see what can fit (sometimes I buy things at the end of the season on sale)
I put away all the clothing from last season, and put in new seasons clothing. Anything from last season that is damaged gets thrown out, and everything good gets put in storage.

I like to have my current season clothing more more accessible than last season. When I do my kids clothing, I also do my own. I put away my old season things on a higher shelf, while bringing down the new season. I usually keep my things longer than I should, but I definitely give away each season.

The organizing rule is that everything has to have a designated space. My problem is I wont put something away until I figure out where it should go. I don't have a lot of storage space, so sometimes it means reorganizing my whole closet to put something new in.
My dh is the opposite. He will just throw everything in the closet so the area looks neat. When I open the closet, everything can come tumbling out. Its annoying because he will throw stiff in the closet and it will pile up until I have patience to to the whole thing.

In regard to the little things my kids get, I have them put everything in a box. Once in a while we will go through the box together and we discuss what they need or should toss.

I stopped buying random things because they didn't end up getting used and eventually ended up getting donated or given away. I prefer to buy toys that can be stored in containers, rather than bulky things. I also choose good quality toys that can be used for numerous ages.
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wiki




 
 
    
 

Post Wed, Jan 13 2016, 10:20 pm
Everything must have its place. Before I accept any new possession into my home, I must know where its place will be. If I can't think of a place for it, I do not buy it. If the only place I have comes from vacating something else and throwing it away to make space for the new thing, then I must throw out to get something new.

I try to be really strict in following this policy, and it saves me from my natural cluttering impulses. It also saves my marriage, because DH is anti-clutter. We've had this policy since we got married, and I can't tell you how happy it makes me.
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trixx




 
 
    
 

Post Wed, Jan 13 2016, 10:35 pm
Just from reading your title.. Kon Mari. google it and check it out. Don't listen to the people on this site who bash it.
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aquad




 
 
    
 

Post Thu, Jan 14 2016, 4:28 am
My rule for hoarding is: it's only useful if a) you know you have it and b) you know where it is.
So when I have something that I am debating if I should hold onto, I ask myself "when I need this item, will I remember that I have it to begin with?" If the answer is no, I toss it. Then I ask "is there a place I can put it that I will remember where it is?" if there is no intuitive or logical place, I toss it.
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PinkFridge




 
 
    
 

Post Thu, Jan 14 2016, 10:53 am
trixx wrote:
Just from reading your title.. Kon Mari. google it and check it out. Don't listen to the people on this site who bash it.


I'm not going to bash The Life Changing Magic of Tidying Up (at least not here Wink ) but I think OP can have her cake and eat it too. She might want to prioritize and choose some areas that she doesn't have to be spartan with, like books. She doesn't have to go overboard, she doesn't have to go to every sale, she should be discriminating in what she chooses, but some things can be legitimate, happy indulgences.

The idea is, think why you're buying or getting rid of something:
If you're buying a new charger, do throw out the old one if it's useless.
If you're buying books, you don't have to fill a box just because it's $20. Maybe get the smaller bag even if it's not the same bang for the buck. Love the book before you buy it.
If you're throwing out a sock, and can't bear to throw out the other, have a dedicated bag near the washing machine or shmattes for old socks - they're great for polishing shoes and dusting. Then, once they get really yucky, it's easier to say goodbye.

Oh, and about those old clothes. If you're getting overwhelmed by the old clothes that are still in good shape and fit, maybe buy a 20 gallon bin and allow yourself to keep whatever fits in there. Some things do have staying power. Then bless someone with the rest, or sell if you can and bless yourself.
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gp2.0




 
 
    
 

Post Thu, Jan 14 2016, 11:24 am
If you have access to a good public library, you should never buy books at all.
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mommy3b2c




 
 
    
 

Post Thu, Jan 14 2016, 12:00 pm
gp2.0 wrote:
If you have access to a good public library, you should never buy books at all.


Very logical, but my heart tells me differently. I'm worse than op. The books have to be new. And I totally could have written ops post down to the socks and marinara sauce, lol.

I love stuff, but I also love neat closets and organization. So I constantly talk to myself as I get rid of things and it really calms me down. I also try to give away to people that need it. Then I don't feel guilty at all. The guilt is only when throwing out perfectly good things. Luckily, my cleaning ladies will take pretty much anything.
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amother
Ivory


 

Post Thu, Jan 14 2016, 12:30 pm
I also could have written this post. It feels good to know that other people are like me. I think it's easier when other people get rid of your stuff for you.before we moved my sister came to my house and went through alot of my things and got rid of them for me I had about 8 bags full of baby clothes that I was saving for the next kid (some of it was still from my oldest who is mow 20). It was very hard at the time I tried not to look at what she was getting rid of but now I'm so happy she did it because I never would have been able to do it myself. I also love bargains and as soon as I walk into a store I go to the clearance sections but I try not to buy things that we don't really need. I used to go to alot of second hand toy sales and come home with so many toys and games that my kids hardly touched and the prices would get all over the place.I think it had to do a little with not getting so much as a child. But I think I got a lot better now.
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gp2.0




 
 
    
 

Post Thu, Jan 14 2016, 12:53 pm
I tend to hang onto things for the wrong reasons too. The biggest reason for me is "what if I want/need this someday?"

I am gradually changing my mindset to "I want to make someone else happy with this item TODAY."

I put good stuff out in front of my house and it disappears. It's a fun game for everyone involved.
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musicmom




 
 
    
 

Post Thu, Jan 14 2016, 1:14 pm
Well,

My husband keeps buying toys. I just gradually put most new things in the attic, because we just don't have the space. I tell him to stop buying more stuff!

We have a 60 gal container filled with legos... where to put everything?
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