Are all kids ungrateful?

amother

Royalblue

Wed, Jan 13 2016, 4:57 pm

Title says it all. I'm fed up of the complaining. Do kids ever appreciate the great length to which their parents go for them? Do they ever realise how much effort we expend so they should have everything they need?

amother

Sapphire

Wed, Jan 13 2016, 5:04 pm

not sure how old your kids are but no not all kids are ungrateful.do thry know the extent no but they can still be grateful.

amother

Pearl

Wed, Jan 13 2016, 5:12 pm

Gratitude is learned, it's not the default. Kids will naturally gravitate toward ungratefulness, we need to teach them to be grateful. No, they won't really appreciate you until they have their own kids. The morning after our first night home with our first kid, dh and I both called up our parents to thank them Smile

gittelchana

Wed, Jan 13 2016, 5:28 pm

Yes. Kids are ungrateful. If you teach them, they'll slowly learn to be grateful over many years. They will never fully appreciate what you did/do for them until they have kids of their own.

Zehava

Wed, Jan 13 2016, 6:09 pm

Ugh. Are all parents selfish? Bringing helpless vulnerable children into this world and expecting them to be grateful for everything they do for them? Labeling them ungrateful if they don't show appreciation?
Children aren't adults. It's not an equal relationship. Get over it or don't have kids.

Simple1

Wed, Jan 13 2016, 6:11 pm

Zehava wrote:

Maybe she's just coming on here to vent? The pre-teen-adolescent years can be really challenging with a lot of ups and downs.

yogabird

Wed, Jan 13 2016, 6:13 pm

Kids don't ask to be born, and don't owe gratitude by virtue of having been. Neither is it a developmentally appropriate expectation for them to understand what it takes to raise them.

They might when they're older, if you don't keep begging for it. They certainly won't if you label them ungrateful.

It's is totally normal for you to feel overwhelmed and overworked, but you should seek validation, support and feedback elsewhere, like here Smile

Last edited by yogabird on Wed, Jan 13 2016, 6:23 pm; edited 1 time in total

naturalmom5

Wed, Jan 13 2016, 6:21 pm

Except for rare circumstances kids are like buckets . They are full of of and pour out whatever you and your husband and the school you chose put into them to begin with.

sourstix

Wed, Jan 13 2016, 6:26 pm

children are not born to understand and be grateful. they need to learn it. certainly dont ask them to be grateful. it will only backfire. teach them to be. tlell them that tatty works hard. and you need tot tell him thank you.

dancingqueen

Wed, Jan 13 2016, 6:31 pm

sourstix wrote:

What about thanking mommy?

sourstix

Wed, Jan 13 2016, 6:37 pm

same thing. was just trying to give her the idea. its the same with grandparents. and teachers and everyone. they need to understand that people do things for them. its the same to explain how hashem does so much for us. and to look out for it. its something we dont do naturally. I used to complain about the same thing. but I realized that children are born taking and thinking things are owed to them bec thats how they survive. they need to have that entitlement attitude or they would never ask for anything. it takes time for them to understand that things need to be worked for to get them. they dont really understand until they actually go through it. some earlier some later and some never. I have siblings that never acted mature in realizing that parents dont owe them anything. so some never learn. I think its also maturity we hope they go through to understand.

Laiya

Wed, Jan 13 2016, 6:54 pm

OP, one of the most important lessons I had to learn as a parent, and I'm still working on, is never to personalize their behavior.

Your job is to teach your children the right way to behave. If you happen to feel emotionally gratified by their behavior, that's a bonus. If you feel hurt by their behavior, you need to make sure that your hurt feelings do not affect your interactions with them.

This doesn't mean that any behavior should be tolerated. Again, your job is to teach mentchlichkeit.

But I think that if you don't personalize things, not only will you be more patient and able to work on whatever needs to be addressed, but you also won't use unhealthy tactics such as guilting, shaming, blaming or criticism.

I'm sorry if I sound like I'm lecturing. I'm trying to work on all this myself, too.

gp2.0

Wed, Jan 13 2016, 7:16 pm

My kids start saying thank you at a very young age.

That's because I start telling THEM thank you at a very young age. Gratitude is a learned behavior and a two-way street.

Laiya

Wed, Jan 13 2016, 7:17 pm

sourstix wrote:

what I had heard was. that children up to the age of 15-16 dont have the capacity to really appreciate.

I think our job as parents is to teach proper behavior. I don't think we're meant to expect a particular emotional response.

happyfaces

Wed, Jan 13 2016, 8:49 pm

gp2.0 wrote:

My kids start saying thank you at a very young age.

That's because I start telling THEM thank you at a very young age. Gratitude is a learned behavior and a two-way street.

This as well as dh and I thank each other in front of the kids.

seeker

Wed, Jan 13 2016, 10:04 pm

Gratitude has to start with appreciation and appreciation has to start with recognition that something happened. You can't teach gratitude by teaching "thank you," though thank you is also important and I encourage my kids to say that as well, but to build gratitude as a trait I just talk to them about where things come from, inc,using any thoughtfulness and effort that went into it, and usually you can see the appreciation dawning with no further cues. I do this for things I do too, without fishing for anything, just I think kids should be aware that their mom does stuff for them, gives them time and energy, and it isn't just automatic. No martyr stories, always with a light tone that says "I WANT to do nice things for you so I HAPPILY (fill in The blank)" just to let them know that it wasn't some default setting but that someone actually did something for them.

amother

Oak

Wed, Jan 13 2016, 10:14 pm

DD2 has an awful diaper rash, it bled today when I changed her, and she howled in pain. Ten minutes later, out of the blue, she said "Thank you Hashem making my booboo better!"

She didn't get there by herself. It's a constant focus in our home, directing the childrens' awareness. They all thank us and Hashem frequently, often without being prompted. Oldest DC is only 6.

pause

Thu, Jan 14 2016, 10:23 am

My thoughts are also that kids are not meant to be grateful to parents. It's nice. You should show them how grateful you are. But the expectation of appreciation from kids is twisted. No, they will never appreciate all you've done and IMO they shouldn't have to. If a kid has an awareness of all the sacrifice and effort the parents put into them, that's way too burdensome for a child. Even a grown child.

Parents give to kids and iy"H when your kids will be parents, they will continue the chain and give to their kids who will continue giving to their kids. And that's how it works...