Teaching kids to respect DH

shalomgirl

Mon, Jan 18 2016, 12:56 am

I'm not sure why, but my kids (I have girls) do not acknowledge DH much. For example, every morning when leaving for school they yell "bye Mommy" but never to DH. I tell him, "say bye to Abba" and they whisper or say nothing. Same when DH walks in the door or wants to talk to them. Maybe one would tell me that I don't model respect of DH but I certainly do! DH is stricter than me, but he's not mean to them. DH is very upset about this. The oldest child is 10 then 8 and 6. Do you think it's 'cause they're girls? I don't want to punish them for this, but I also need to make DH happy. Any advice? TIA!

5*Mom

Mon, Jan 18 2016, 1:26 am

What is your husband's relationship with them like? Does he read them stories? Take them for a walk or to the park? Put them to bed? Just shmooze with them about his/their day? Do other fun stuff that they enjoy? These are things he should be doing to connect with the kids and be relevant in their lives.

You can teach them to show him respect the same way you would teach them to show respect to great aunt Gertrude but what you really want is a genuine relationship with their father beyond what they have with Aunt Gert. Your DH has to cultivate that.

Amarante

Mon, Jan 18 2016, 2:23 am

This is not a question of respect in my opinion but seems to be a question of there not being a warm relationship with their father.

Do you actually want superficial respect where they are taught to greet their father or do you want a true relationship where the children are genuinely excited to see him and interact with him.

I don't think strictness per se has anything to do with it because many parents are stricter than the other and it is sometimes the father wh is the softy or vice versa

I would suggest your husband try to build a special relationship with each of the girls. It's not too late. He should do things based on their interests and maybe take each of them someplace one on one where they want to go. I am sure my father was not enthralled with my babbling about stuff but I still remember vividly and fondly his taking me for hot chocolate after my dance classes and listening to me. Or his just playing games with me in the house.

He should talk to them in a casual way to show he is interested in them and all the little stuff that children like to do. Does he know who their friends are? Their favorite books etc so that he can talk to them about what is going on in their lives and make them feel he is more than a formal figurehead to be greeted but with whom they don't really interact informally.

Amarante

Mon, Jan 18 2016, 10:28 am

Obviously impossible to offer any kind of help without observing the dynamics of the father/daughter relationship.

I think the posters and I assumed that your husband was a remote figure who didn't provide hands on "mothering" care but based on your last response, it appears that, at least on the surface, is providing hands on parenting.

Have you observed his interactions?

Perhaps you should ask your daughters in a very non-threatening way to discuss their feelings about their father. Obviously, they shouldn't be punished but I find the behavior odd.

Again, without casting judgment, your use of the term "respect" seems a bit misplaced because it's not really respect that seems to be absent. Not sure if you were just hasty and didn't use the exact word or whether "respect" has more of a hidden meaning.

What kind of relationship did you have with your father?

amother

Oak

Mon, Jan 18 2016, 10:42 am

greenfire wrote:

Respect is not demanded. It is earned.

This, I can't like it enough!

I teach my dd to be excited for my dh and appreciate what he does. He isn't home much for work/shul/learning. But, when he walks in the door, we all run to the door to say hi to him. I tell them how special he is, how hard he works for our family, how much torah he learns and how he doesn't miss a davening. I don't know if my efforts help to demonstrate to her little mind how special daddy is but I try to engender these feelings in my little girl. She honestly thinks he is the coolest daddy on the planet. But, my question is do you show your dds how excited he is when he comes through the door? Do you feel down when he leaves? Do you tell them what their daddy does for them?

imasinger

Mon, Jan 18 2016, 11:01 am

Just curious -- maybe you are already doing this, but have you tried the "let's" technique?

As in, "Let's all go and say hi to Abba; he's coming in the door!" Or, "Let's say bye to Abba together."

For us, that wasn't as much the issue as DH learning how to spend quality one-on-one time with each kid in turn, offering undivided attention, and to know when they needed to hear praise.

Even now, they sometimes will only want me, but there are other times when they prefer him. And that's the way I think it should be.