How to cover hair- chassidish perspective?

Amarante

Tue, Jan 19 2016, 4:27 pm

youngishbear wrote:

I'm chassidish and we have relatives who come to our simchos with hats on top of their own hair. I remember being sure it was a sheitel in my younger years but now I know better.

Point is, not everyone expects you to be radically different than your usual self. In my experience, covering up sleeves, neckline, skirt length is a bigger issue than how much hair sticks out under a hat.

Kol hakavod for your respect and consideration.

I would agree with this since modesty/tznius is something that is done easily and even secular people dress modestly as a sign of respect.

Hair covering and the extent one covers impacts only the individual as it a hat/hair/fall impact anyone outside of the individual immediate family. It's solely an individual decision so long as the head is in some way covered according to one's own standards.

I don't think anyone would have an expectation that someone would buy/wear a wig to attend an event if that isn't how they normally hold - unless you are attempting to keep your beliefs a secret.

However, I think the expectation of anyone is that people dress "appropriately". Wearing a mini dress with cleavage to the pupik is disrespectful - not wearing a sheitel is not disrespectful.

Last edited by Amarante on Tue, Jan 19 2016, 4:29 pm; edited 1 time in total

finallyamommy

Tue, Jan 19 2016, 4:28 pm

Yeah, don't buy a sheitel or a fall just for a one-time thing. You could borrow one for the occasion, maybe, but I personally would feel uncomfortable wearing a strange new thing at a wedding davka (but then I don't like sheitels and find them uncomfortable and don't wear them). I would say whatever you wear just make sure all your hair is covered. And some snoods/berets are fancy enough for weddings, so if you anyway have a snood you can dress it up with sequins or a bow or something.

sweetpotato

Tue, Jan 19 2016, 5:04 pm

If this family knows you don't cover your hair normally, wearing sheitel or fall for one event seems like overkill. If I were in your situation, I would just wear a hat and show as little or as much hair as you feel comfortable with/looks stylish with your outfit, and not worry about it. You will look different, but you are different, and that's OK.

nnmom

Tue, Jan 19 2016, 5:18 pm

I am really getting a lot out of reading these posts. Thank you to everyone for weighing in.
I think Dolly is right, I am looking to do something differently because I don't like sticking out so much.
I would be willing to get a fall because this is not the first or last family simcha-it's a very big family.
I don't think I can pull off hat with no hair showing or even synthetic. I've been feeling self conscious about my looks lately (well forever but that's another story) and now in my 30s feel that I'm not aging well and my face isn't nice enough to pull off no hair look.
That's why I was considering a fall. I just don't want to stick out too much.

kitov

Tue, Jan 19 2016, 5:48 pm

OP, I don't know your relatives or the extent of their chassidus, but just know that some chassidishe men won't say a brachah in the presence of a married women whose hair is showing. So either try to get a fall or cover your hair really well with a pretty hat.

And I admire your respect.

morah

Tue, Jan 19 2016, 6:20 pm

I have chassidish family. My mom also only covers her hair in shul and she just wears one of her shul hats with her hair sticking out when we go to the weddings. I do cover my hair fully and always, and I wear a really fancy tichel or hat (I don't wear sheitels), and I still stand out because the chassidish style is very specific and if you don't get the nuance, they know you're part of that crowd. It's really not a big deal. They know us outside of these weddings and know how we usually dress and don't expect us to change it. Well, ok, obviously they expect my mom not to wear sleeveless, and she knows not to, but they don't expect either of us to dress exactly in the BP style either. You know what you need to cover, so do that, and don't worry about the details.
BTW, I do know a few people who don't generally cover their hair but own a sheital because they have large yeshivish or chassidish families and go to enough of those types of weddings for it to be worth it and they feel more comfortable having the option to just come in a sheital. It's not weird at all, even though the relatives know full well they don't usually cover. If you feel this is likely to come up in the future, definitely get one. You can get a respectable wig for not crazy money (though I can't help you with suggestions, as I said, I'm all hats and tichels).

youngishbear

Tue, Jan 19 2016, 6:21 pm

nnmom wrote:

If you want to fit in a bit more then go for it. Just don't expect to pass for a native unless you do a lot of research in advance.

A fall sounds like a nice idea, especially if you plan to use it for many simchos.

penguin

Tue, Jan 19 2016, 6:34 pm

Quote:

Is long okay or is it viewed as just as untznious as plain hair?

Certainly not equivalent, but not acceptable in certain circles. If you're looking to fit in as much as possible, you might want to go with just below chin length or just grazing the shoulders.

Do you have cousins you can ask?

youngishbear

Tue, Jan 19 2016, 6:36 pm

kitov wrote:

They would not be making brachos in front of women anyway because of the mechitzos Wink

Dolly Welsh

Tue, Jan 19 2016, 8:53 pm

OP, if you get a synthetic that has some bang to it, and most do, with a good mop of hair in your face, more or less, and pretty new hair, you will feel pretty good. A well designed mop of hair masks an awful lot of what may not be perfect about one's features.

As for aging well, in English that means "has no idea about moisturizer or makeup" and is fixable. Start off with some light moisturizer such as Palmers Cocoa butter. If you can afford Clinique, go to town.

If that's complicated, this is a good product:

http://www.covergirl.com/beaut.....inish

A powder blush is going to be absolutely necessary on top of it. Prestige brand makes good ones. So does Clinique. There are many. A little on your chin is good too. Don't stress, just put it on. With two mirrors, examine the results in daylight near a bright window, including from the side.

Lancôme makes excellent lip glosses. Their self sharpening eye pencils are easy and stay on. Clinique's fat eye pencils are very easy to use.

All this stuff can be bought online. You may not like the store atmosphere, but you don't have to go there.

Just get some smokiness. Nobody is into scientifically precise lines any more. This is not hard.

If your teeth are not ok, the cosmetic dentist can take care of that in one afternoon and it doesn't hurt. "Bonding" and "plastic laminate" are the words. I am less of a fan of "porcelain".
"Bonding" is great, but does have to be done by someone good. Don't economize. It is money well spent if you need it.

Last edited by Dolly Welsh on Tue, Jan 19 2016, 9:38 pm; edited 2 times in total

pause

Tue, Jan 19 2016, 9:00 pm

Honestly, if a relative who doesn't usually cover shows up with a fall and a hat, I would assume it's her own hair sticking out. I'd think it a waste of money for OP to buy a fall and then be misjudged for it.

IMO you should go with either a full sheitel or a hat covering all hair.

youngishbear

Wed, Jan 20 2016, 12:10 am

kitov wrote:

IIRC, chassidishe chuppas and mitzvah tantz are in the women's presence.... Smile

No one sees the women standing in a squashed heap on the side of the chupah. At least the men don't look in their direction.

During bentshing and mitzvah tantz (the latter of which involves no bruchos at all) the men sit across the hall.

Far across the hall.

It's not considered within daled amos or whatever the measurement is.

youngishbear

Wed, Jan 20 2016, 12:10 am

pause wrote:

Good point.

moonstone

Wed, Jan 20 2016, 3:21 am

youngishbear wrote:

My charedi relatives know I don't cover my hair. I never cover when we see them casually (though I do make sure to wear a skirt instead of pants). At smachot, I wear a hat- all of my hats show a lot of hair. But I think they appreciate that I do that much. I've never gotten the slightest look or anything, and no one has ever said a word about my hair- at least not to my face! The point is, they would never expect me to cover my hair to their standards.

ETA that along with the skirt, I do make sure to wear long sleeves, higher neckline, etc.

Happy 2B

Wed, Jan 20 2016, 4:45 am

Op firstly I'm commend you for wanting to be respectful I think that's amazing!!

I disagree with people who are telling it's not worth it for one wedding and that they will think it's your real hair so why bother.

I have an aunt and uncle who aren't frum at my wedding my aunt wore a kerchief and uncle bought a black hat. It meant so much to me.

So I'm not thinking you should spend thousands of dollars on a sheitel but if there is a way to do something that is comfortable for your and within the guidelines of the community I would so go for it 100%!!

You never know the zechusim you will acrue by going beyond what is comfortable for for one night even if it's for someone else's sake especially if it's not what's comfortable for you!!!

May you always have simchos and no know no pain!!!

Maya

Wed, Jan 20 2016, 9:13 am

Happy 2B wrote:

I have an aunt and uncle who aren't frum at my wedding my aunt wore a kerchief and uncle bought a black hat. It meant so much to me.
!!!

Can you explain this to me? Why would you feel good about this, instead of appropriately feeling bad that he felt he had to buy a black hat just to attend your wedding? And do you also go to such great lengths to fit in with your look at THEIR ocassions and events?

To the OP, most Chassidish people have a relative or two who they know are not like them. Nobody expects you to show up looking like them, and IMO, you'll just end up looking more foolish than anything else.

youngishbear

Wed, Jan 20 2016, 9:38 am

Maya wrote:

I agree with your second point that it's not necessary to change hair covering to fit in.

I disagree with your first paragraph, though.

I think the poster has every right to feel touched by the gesture of respect. Perhaps when she shows up at an event that is not precisely on her religious standards the relatives in question are similarly appreciative.

Do you really not see the difference between respecting religious sensibilities and "fitting in with a look"?