Thinking of leaving. My DS is gay.

amother

Purple

Wed, Jan 20 2016, 12:53 am

I think I might want to leave our MO community sometime soon. My DS is gay and although nobody knows except a very limited few including our rabbi, I can't stand the stray comments that I hear all too often coming from mouths of especially the young people. Their parents never taught them about what gay is other than to be hateful about it and not to correct them when they use the term "faggot". And even though I correct all my children, I don't want my children to grow up in an shul and hear these things and feel marginalized or feel bad because they have a brother that is gay. They love their brother and it would hurt them to hear or see such hatefulness.

I realize there are plenty of homophobes all over, not just in MO shuls, so leaving the shul isn't going to "fix" anything.

There are just too many people using the name of G-d to be hateful. Not just in our shul, but organized religion in general.

It makes one think very long and hard!

amother

Plum

Wed, Jan 20 2016, 12:59 am

Nothing cures homophobia like having someone you know and love coming out of the closet. I can't say that your son will find total acceptance, but you'd be surprised at how little people actually care about this one area of his life.

MagentaYenta

Wed, Jan 20 2016, 1:30 am

The inherent value of a human being is not dependent on the gender of whom they love.

Please check and see if there is a PFLAG group in your area and go to a meeting.

hila

Wed, Jan 20 2016, 1:32 am

Your ds is lucky to have you as a parent.
However accepting you are, there will be people commenting in every community.
Stay where you are.
Ask the Rav to give a drasha about accepting those who are different, even if you don't accept hteir actions.
hatslacha - this is not easy.

Runner18

Wed, Jan 20 2016, 3:13 am

Gay is different.

Gay is complicated.

Kids don't get it, they can't.

I'm assuming your kids don't know yet about your son? Try not to focus on the community. Your world is big. Start with just focusing on making your home a microcosm of what you wish the world would be: loving, accepting, embracing of all people.

Perhaps it's less about correcting your kids-- it's normal to make fun of something different-- and have more proactive discussions as opposed to reacting to comments.

Delores

Wed, Jan 20 2016, 6:51 am

I think you should leave your community regardless of your sons se xual orientation. in your eyes they lack a very basic value of respecting others and that would be true even if all your children were straight.

mille

Wed, Jan 20 2016, 7:43 am

I'm so sorry you are going through this. I highly encourage you reach out to Eshel: http://www.eshelonline.org/ If anything, it will be so so nice to have the support, I am sure. For you and your son!

It sounds like you need a community with more compassionate leadership and congregants. Probably a community lead by one of the rabbis who signed this: http://statementofprinciplesnya.blogspot.com/

It's disgusting how much of the orthodox community treats gay/lesbian Jews. I sincerely hope it gets better over time, but I am not entirely optimistic. Sad

Hugs.

amother

Aquamarine

Wed, Jan 20 2016, 7:53 am

mille wrote:

It's not that we treat gays bad. But how can we condone behavior that's outright against our beliefs? We are supposed hang out rainbow flags and join the rest of the world, change our basic laws and belief system to accommodate them. Is that a fair or realistic expectation?

I don't think orthodox treat gays bad.We have nothing against the person, only their behavior.

GAP

Wed, Jan 20 2016, 8:00 am

By leaving the community, you will be supporting their homophobic attitude and agreeing with them that gay people don't belong. If you want to make a difference, stay in the community, let people get to know your son and see that he is a great human being. He might not ever be fully accepted by everyone there, but it'll be one step closer to acceptance. The more they see people who are gay, the less they will fear them. Obviously, your son (and family) would have to be very strong to do this, and if it would really take an emotional toll,might not be a great idea. You have to know what you can handle.

Delores

Wed, Jan 20 2016, 8:25 am

amother wrote:

Not to sound mean in any way, but what does happen to gay kids?what is the future for them?

You don't sound mean. Only slightly ignorant

fmt4

Wed, Jan 20 2016, 8:26 am

amother wrote:

Not to sound mean in any way, but what does happen to gay kids?what is the future for them?

Do you mean in general?? Um, they live their lives just like anyone else. They have jobs and hobbies. These days they can get married and have kids if they want. What a weird question.

amother

Pink

Wed, Jan 20 2016, 8:33 am

I mean in general do they get married normaly and live a trapped loveless kind of life or do they give up beliefs in yiddishkeit to follow what their heart desires

causemommysaid

Wed, Jan 20 2016, 8:33 am

fmt4 wrote:

Do you mean in general?? Um, they live their lives just like anyone else. They have jobs and hobbies. These days they can get married and have kids if they want. What a weird question.

its not a weird question.

if someone is religious and gay then they have a HUGE problem with no easy resolution. They are basically forced to choose between their religion and their chance at happiness.

their future is very uncertain and it requires a lot of thought and decision making.

amother

Pink

Wed, Jan 20 2016, 8:39 am

I find it hilarious how people bash down others questions cos to them it seems obvious quote- ''what a weird question'', we were all created differently, different opinions, areas of interest, weaknesses, strengths and yes IQ levels, I feel sorry to see that on Imamother there are so many not accepting people, maybe its time to grow up????????????