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Forum -> Household Management -> Finances
Helping out sibilings financially



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amother
Magenta


 

Post Thu, Jan 21 2016, 10:15 pm
bh we are financially stable and in a position and in a position to give a little tzedaka. I have a brother who lives in israel and his wife is not working. I know she definitely looked for jobs and things are hard to come by and the job has to be worth the travel time and paying babysitters. anyway if I am going to be giving a few hundred dollars away it should go to them not any other organizations. family should come first. I dont want them to know its from me so I give it to my parents and they give it to my brother and let him think its from them. whenever I give them I feel a little resentment. they chose to live in israel. I am working pretty close to full time and my sister in law nothing. I feel very bad that I am giving this money a little begrudgingly. is anyone else in same position as me. am I crazy?
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agreer




 
 
    
 

Post Thu, Jan 21 2016, 10:22 pm
You are not crazy. Resentment makes a lot of sense. yes, they chose their lifestyle, but they did not choose for the wife to have a hard time finding a good job.

It's the yetzer hara's job to make you resent such an important mitzvah.

They need the money. Period.
In hilchos tzedakah, your family absolutely comes first.

It's HARD to do the right thing. Kol hakovod for doing it anyway, despite the resentment, and even more so to do it in such a dignified manner via your parents. That is truly beautiful.
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amother
Lemon


 

Post Thu, Jan 21 2016, 10:23 pm
But you probably also feel very good that your parents know that your helping your sibling. Would you still do it if it was completely anonymous?
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amother
Blush


 

Post Thu, Jan 21 2016, 10:24 pm
Just a thought and if you don't like it, ignore it: you BH are able to give tzedaka and would be giving it away anyways. It is beautiful that you are able to help a sibling. Would you feel any better if it were someone you didn't know who received the money?
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amother
Cobalt


 

Post Fri, Jan 29 2016, 2:59 pm
As someone who is in a desperate financial situation, I have a few well off siblings and one extremely wealthy sibling, I'll explain my perspective. Obviously no two situations are the same. For various reasons, mostly related to health issues that not all my family is aware of, we don't make enough to cover our bills.
We have been searching for better jobs for awhile that will work in our situation, but have not been able to find. Tried a small business, didn't work, not business minded.
We're at a point where we will take any job with higher pay than current job.
As much as I hate to accept tzedakah if my siblings would offer I'd be so grateful. I'm not sure about my pride though, but I'm at a point where I don't answer my phone or check emails as I'm scared of seeing whats overdue or about to be shut off. I can't afford basic groceries at this point.

Many of my siblings do well as we're generally go getters, they look at me as a nebach case, who can't get it together.

There can be many reasons why someone is desperately in needs of help. If anyone did help me and were resentful, I'd feel worse than I do now.

One thing that I go over and over is that Hashem allows for the wealth that people have and created some poor and some rich and some just managing, people who do well have to realize it's not their "smartness" but Hashems will that they are wealthy. Hashem also created the concept of Tzedakah and if there weren't rich and poor then Tzedakah wouldn't exist.
Some people don't have the talents and capacity to do well financially but they still have bills to pay.
When living a frum life, it's impossible to live on a very limited budget. There are so many from expenses that there are days I want to leave it all as I can't afford it.
I can't pay my reduced tuition, I ask myself how important is Yeshivah anyway. When I go to the grocery and I see the cheaper non kosher or non Cholov Yisroel, or Pas or glatt etc, I wonder if at the stage we're in if I can keep going. We pay shul dues, mens mikvah dues, seforim that re needed for kids in school, shabbos clothes, even when cheap, are more expensive than weekday. Shaitels,(have one and is a few years old and looks it) mens hats, shtreimel, bekeshe etc, Monthly mikvah fee, I've personally not gone at times as I didn't have money. Once I went and said I can't pay and they said pay double next month, I didn't go the next month as I was so embarrassed and didn't have enough of one month.

I limited family size despite it being against my hashkafa as I can't afford a large family.

I think a sibling helping a sibling is the nicest thing ever, I personally will do anything for any of my siblings as long as it's not money related.

If you have Tzedakah to give and gave it to another family, you don't know the reasons that they need it, with a sibling it can be harder when you're closer, but there is a possibility that you don't know everything that is going on. There are some disabilities you may not know about.
Be very grateful that you're in a position to give, as a person who always is looking that maybe someone will give me a few dollars so I can replace a torn pair of shoes or buy basic food, I'd give anything to switch places. In my house one chicken is bought for shabbos and divided out, we eat the cheapest foods all week, I make everything from scratch.

Life is tough and I would trade everything to be in a place where my dilemma is if I should give this place over that one.
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agreer




 
 
    
 

Post Fri, Jan 29 2016, 4:03 pm
Cobalt, your post brought tears to my eyes.

May Hashem help you.
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amother
Plum


 

Post Sat, Jan 30 2016, 1:15 pm
Cobalt my hashem send you a yeshua very very soon.

My parents were in extreme debt at one point because of a siblings disorder that the were trying to hide.
At a certain point they asked wealthy relatives for help and as a sibling I cant explain what a relief it was for me ( I was a young teen). I have such hakaras hatov to those relatives.

I got my parents back. They were no longer consumed by the stress of bills all the time - we continued to lead an extremely frugal lifestyle, but the fact that my parents no longer had huge debt allowed them to be normal parents and us to be normal kids ( as normal as ypu can be with a sibling with the said disorder).

Maybe thinking about your brothers kids instead of your brother- maybe you will feel less resentful. They didn't choose this lifestyle even if their parents did.
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amother
Red


 

Post Sat, Jan 30 2016, 9:39 pm
Cobalt,

Your post was very heartwrenching. Do you have a Tomche Shabbos in your area that can help with food? Tomche (of Monsey at least) also has job placement and may be able to help one or both of you find better paying jobs.

https://www.tomcheshabbos.org/
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amother
Gold


 

Post Sat, Jan 30 2016, 9:47 pm
Enjoy being able to give. I was very happy to be helping out my sister who chose a kollel lifestyle and unfortunately my financial situation changed and I have been unable to help her for a little while now. Things are looking up and I hope to be able to give again soon. It feels so good to give!

Think of it this way. She'll be living her lifestyle regardless and believes she will get her money from hashem. Now wouldn't you want her to be a little more comfortable and get the money through you? Wouldn't you rather she not struggle as much?
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