Turn Myself lnside Out, Nobody Is Happy

mommy3b2c

Fri, Jan 29 2016, 11:31 am

amother wrote:

Regarding your point that saying no makes them worse: well, of course it does, you haven't been doing it until now. They're going to resist any changes you try to implement. Those first two weeks are going to be the hardest, but you have to stick to it. If you can do that, they will figure out you mean business and once they realize the new world order, they'll settle down. I had a few things I lost control of and had to take back, and the hardest part was those first 2 weeks, where they tried to break me so I'd go back to the old ways. Also, since there are a number of things going on here, you might want to try working on 2 to start, and once those have been comfortably implemented, move on to the next thing. It'll be easier to change things and stick with it if it's not everything at the same time starting from scratch.

Very true. I'll give an example. Last year, at the beginning of my pregnancy, I was unable to do anything. My kids came home from school and watched tv till my husband came home and put them to bed. They got used to watching and when I finally felt better they. Nagged me everyday until I just gave in. Finally, I told them that for now on they can only watch on Fridays for two hours. The first two weeks were so hard. My head felt like it was going to explode from the nagging. Once they realized I was not going to give in, they stopped asking, and everyone's life became much more pleasant. But, those first two weeks were definitely torture

amother

Turquoise

Fri, Jan 29 2016, 12:12 pm

I'm going to be really honest. I apologize if it's not what you want to hear.

I don't think your life will get any easier until your kids are out of the house.

I say this because I have seen it with my own eyes. My mother is just like you. She loves her kids to the point where they destroy her life.

She is essentially a single mom (Dad does not really pitch in at all) and even though she worked, she never developed her career because she wanted to be home for the kids so she worked a school schedule. I am not knocking this choice. It is a wonderful choice for the right person but it put her in a position where she was more of a SAHM than a working mom.

I have 3 young siblings at home. 13, 11, and 7 year old. (There is a huge gap between them and me). They walk all over her and that is simply her personality. She was like this at 20 and she is still like this at 48. She is not going to change. She is who she is and that comes with all the positive and negative qualities.

She makes each kid an individual breakfast even though 2/3 can get their own breakfast. She makes individual dinner for each kid. She drives them to school constantly even when they miss the bus for no reason other than laziness. She allows the kids to bother her all day when she is at work even though its against school rules for them to call from the pay phone. She never makes them go to sleep so she never ever gets a break. The house is hopping at 10 pm even though the kids need to be up at 7 am. They have zero respect when she is on the phone and they yell and shout at her constantly because she is on the phone and not giving them her undivided attention.

They are good kids but they are growing up without discipline. I think certain personalities just can't discipline and there is not much to be done about it. Perhaps you can go to a parenting coach or therapy to learn how to be assertive but it will involve really painful and slow changes on your end and on the children's end and if you give up then nothing will change.

I wish you the very best of luck!

Chayalle

Fri, Jan 29 2016, 12:15 pm

amother wrote:

You are projecting your mother's personality and experience onto the OP. It is not necessarily the same situation. OP, please don't be disheartened by the above - it may or may not be true for you.

pause

Fri, Jan 29 2016, 12:43 pm

amother wrote:

Saying "this is my personality, I can't do anything about it" is a cop-out! It is wrong. We are all in this world to work on our middos, and parenting highlights which middos we most need to work on.
For some, we need to learn to be more loving. For some, we need to learn to be more assertive.

To the above amother I say, perhaps this is what your mother wants and never saw a need for change. Not that it's responsible or fair to her kids to raise them this way, but she doesn't see it obviously.

To the OP, however, it is clear that you are not happy with how things are. See what you can do to help yourself. Don't let this attitude infect you because it's WRONG!

mummiedearest

Fri, Jan 29 2016, 12:54 pm

allthingsblue wrote:

No way. You can't be serious! So these people would want you to force feed meatballs to the kid? That's ridiculous.

absolutely not! these people would want the parent to present the children with a choice: eat the meatballs or don't eat. kids are certainly allowed their preferences, and should be allowed to absolutely despise a few foods, but if they are being presented with food they are sometimes willing to eat, they should not be allowed to say, "nah, I'm going to have cereal and milk instead." this is a very common rule, and some kids certainly choose not to eat. as long as food is available to them (and that would be the dinner on the table), they're fine. if they get hungry, they can always eat the meatballs. they can also choose to only eat whatever is served with the meatballs. as long as what they eat is part of dinner.

imasinger

Fri, Jan 29 2016, 12:54 pm

I highly, highly recommend Howard Glasser's Nurtured Heart Approach. You can learn more here: http://childrenssuccessfoundat.....oach/

Or look up the book on Amazon or at your library.

From what I have seen on this board, I think Dina Friedman's parenting courses follow much the same structure.

Mommy2b2c raises an important point -- you can expect behaviors to get worse at first when you establish new or stricter rules. It's called an "extinction burst." Think of someone who pushed an elevator button, and nothing happened. They may try pushing it several more times, maybe harder and harder. That's likely to be your kids, pushing your buttons harder at first. Eventually, when they see it doesn't work, they will give up and take the stairs.

Have your DH join you in reading the book, learnng the steps of the technique. He must be on board, too, and recognize that parenting is his job as well as yours. Your house can be a pleasanter place, and he will likely be eager to come home to his family at the end of the day.

Chayalle

Fri, Jan 29 2016, 1:05 pm

mummiedearest wrote:

To each their own.

For myself - I'm not going to prepare individual dinners - but just as I choose what I'm in the mood of (making, or eating, or it's in the house, whatever) I'm okay with my kids having choices, so long as they don't bend me out of shape. If they are not in the mood of meatballs, that's okay - there are times I'm also not in the mood of meatballs. They can choose a simple substitute, like a peanut butter sandwich or cereal. I'm not trying to raise robots who always have to follow the rules to a T. Neither am I raising kids who order their dinners every night. There's a balance - a happy medium - that's okay with me.

mummiedearest

Fri, Jan 29 2016, 1:17 pm

Chayalle wrote:

that's fine. some kids would just eat cereal every night if they could. I know mine would.

ValleyMom

Fri, Jan 29 2016, 1:31 pm

I LOVE what everyone has suggested so far but I also am a firm believer in giving children the ability to have some choice when dealing with very picky eaters. Have the children work out a menu for the week on Sunday so they know what dinner will be in advance leaving NO wiggle room for discussion.

You cook dinner Sunday-Thursday (Friday nights are fairly typical I imagine...).
Create a Master List of options such as:

Macaroni and cheese with salad
chicken with steamed vegetable
Fish and green salad
etc

Then have them collectively decide what dinner on what night.
YES there will be some yelling and ranting but ultimately you are teaching your children how to work as a group to work toward the common goal. It may not be painless the first 2 or 3 weeks but I am certain as time goes by there will be less meltdowns until they will be able to discuss the menu like little adults.

Those that choose NOT to eat the dinner will go to bed hungry. Give them one hour to consume dinner- must people call this Dinner Time. After the hour is up the kitchen is CLOSED.

All children should 'bus' their own dishes and cutlery. Rotate kitchen duties:
One child sweeps.
One child wipes crumbs off the table.

The kitchen chores rotate.

Kids CRAVE routine and schedules- this helps them to develop a sense of peace, calm and serenity.

When there is chaos in a home this makes for unruly children who whine, complain and/or hit.

When there are firm rules and boundaries in place- this also means no wiggle room for debate/discussion children feel relaxed and settled. Try this for a month and watch the magic happen!!

God Luck to you!
You were blessed with healthy children- they are simply doing what kid normally do... TEST their parents!

asp40

Fri, Jan 29 2016, 2:16 pm

I agree with a lot of what was already said. I think that you think you are being consistent but in reality, you are not. I have dealt with picky eaters, tantrums, and extremely difficult children. Still dealing with all of that actually. We had to learn to he very very firm years ago. Or else these kids would rule the house and be a bunch of jerks honestly.

Dinner is what it is. Tell them in advance so they know what to expect. They won't starve. I have a few children who have a bmi that is too low. That hasn't changed since implementing this. This is the meal, feel free to eat it or go to bed hungry. I don't make things that I know everyone will hate.

Be firm in your rules and don't give in not even once. If you do, you start all over. Be firm and things will be harder at first and then thy will be easier. And yes your DH needs to be on the same page.

SRS

Sun, Jan 31 2016, 4:20 am

OP, please get an evaluation for the child that is breaking things. There might be a developmental issue and tackling that will get you on the right path. A lot of people have been there and a kid can seem fine, but not be fine. Behavior of one individuals infects the behavior of the whole. So, if there is a problem and you can relieve some of the pain, you will get to a better place just by dealing with that.

But obviously you will have to pick some battles you want to fight and fight those relentlessly. But you can win with some adjustments.

Personally, I would fight the food battle "weakly." Again, just my opinion, but at least while you are fighting other battles, avoid the dinnertime (pre-bedtime) meltdown. Do not cook more than one dinner, but let them make their own peanut butter sandwich, which even the youngest is capable of.

Now for some other ideas:

-Separate the kids. If they are fighting and can't handle their own solution/negotiation, don't play referee, just put them in the penalty box. I remember going through a time where there was always one person in the penalty box. There were times were the fighting was so regular and so bad that we rotated people in and out without violation. Now, it wasn't well received by some family members. But it worked well for us and when things flair up again, we threaten to do the same again and the threat is usually enough. Again, just my opinion. . .there are (difficult) kids (with difficulties) who can't resist stirring the pot and keeping them separate when they aren't managing takes some pressure off you, helps teach the more difficult child learn that he or she can occupy himself alone, teaches the easier child that he or she can walk away, and just gives everyone else some needed downtime.

-Give the kids more responsibility by setting up systems. There is no reason that your kids can't all get themselves water, a bottle, and the older two should be able to make a pasta dinner weekly. Being self-sufficient comes with its own rewards and builds upon itself.

-Solve your problems in the home before bending over backwards for homework. The 12 year old is probably the only one with major benefit. Reading and games are most valuable to the rest of the kids and the more you encourage that, the less fighting.

-You too can take time away and lock yourself in your room for some down time.

-You need some evenings away where your husband takes over and you can get out and go to the gym or hang out with some friends. He gets to leave the house for work and get away from the chaos. Your home is your job and you need to get away from the office.

-Don't overcompensate. It is a great choice to be a SAHM. But make time to "neglect" the kids so they can handle their own affairs much like the WAHMs have to do because they have deadlines, clients or bosses to please, stuff that just needs done. Your presence in the home is important. But you don't need to policeman it all. I think Chayalle's points were very well made.

So in short, don't work so hard, make them work harder, divide and conquer, and let them be responsible for their own water and sandwiches.