Help me find myself & my place in Lakewood

amother

Lavender

Wed, Feb 03 2016, 3:19 pm

I'm the Central Ave amother.

We also bought a real small starter home and are now cramming in a lot of kids. We have really outgrown it. But I'm terrified of moving because it probably took me 8 years to get comfortable with the neighbors. Most are at least 10 - 15 years older then me and making weddings but everyone is comfortable with each other and really looks out for each other and each other's kids.

I found our shul was probably the biggest catalyst in me meeting neighbors - and it wasn't easy. Whenever there is a simcha the community really gets together and many women go to shul or the home of the simcha and socialize. Its really nice, even if I wasn't friendly with everyone, there was still a community feeling. When I'm pregnant and due a few neighbors will offer that I can knock at night or offer their girls to come at any time. I'm not saying they are good friends, but they are neighbors I can rely on.

this is one of the reason I'm scared of younger crowds. Because most of the crowd is older there is little drinking or smoking among adults. Shul is a great atmosphere (for the most part) Kids have excellent older role models. Neighborhood kids come from very well balanced homes with really healthy chinuch and low expectations (I'm not saying there are no issues but this is the overall pictures). For example when I get a neighborhood girl to babysit and they stay less than an hour they don't even want to take money because it was "no big deal and they just studied", I pretty much have to force them to take it. I'm terrified of leaving because I know what I can end up with.

I'd very much prefer an older, less wealthy, grounded area. But I'm not sure too many exist anymore, and for sure not affordable.

amother

Crimson

Wed, Feb 03 2016, 3:56 pm

I am so happy bh in the little neighborhood that I live in. It is so warm and freindly and everyone is excepting of everyone else. There is no living up to the jones here. Its a simple neighborhood. Of course in the summer people are out more than in winter time. In the winter you need to more or less make it a point to see people if you want to more than the 5 min at the bus stop every day. But no one 'drinks coffe together' . Familys dont invite each other for shabbos meals, familys dont cook for each other after birth. They do offer to have your children over a bit after birth. When I moved here I thought it odd, because were I came from it was done. But now that ive been living here a while I like it like that. So does everyone else. it takes the pressure off of people. But it doesnt make it an unfreindly neighborhood. Life happens. People are busy.

amother

Burlywood

Wed, Feb 03 2016, 4:38 pm

amother wrote:

Op here
I'm glad you like it but this type of place obviously doesn't work for me.

amother

Burlywood

Thu, Feb 04 2016, 3:34 pm

Op here

Over the years, I actually made attempts to move into a different rental but every time something didnt work out. It really felt like we have some Tikkun to finish up here lol.

But as chayalle is saying moving is hard. When kids were younger I moved a few times, about once every 1.5-2 years. It wasn't a big deal with very little furniture, very few kids and no adjustments to the new place (they were all the same in ny). Now it would be hard, the move itself plus the adjustment for us and the kids, they go up to preteens, it's not the same as moving just babies. And then I would probably not want to have to move yet again either to switch the neighborhood, or if I finally buy a house. Moving into another rental now means signing up for another move a year or two down the line. I don't want to go this route voluntarily.

That's why we've stayed put in the current place for so long. It has its conveniences for sure.

I would ideally like to figure out the neighborhood thing and then take the leap.

LiLIsraeli

Thu, Feb 04 2016, 3:50 pm

amother wrote:

Op here
I'm glad you like it but this type of place obviously doesn't work for me.

I don't think you are going to find a neighborhood like that in Lakewood. Generally IME families do not socialize together or eat at each others' homes unless they are related. Of course there may be exceptions but as a general rule, you won't find a neighborhood where families eat out at each others' Shabbos tables.

Maybe you should be looking into a less yeshivish (but no less frum) community.

amother

Lavender

Thu, Feb 04 2016, 4:02 pm

I agree with LiLIsraeli that it isn't so common. Not only because of yeshivish but because of how busy everyone is.
I'd love to socialize more. But I work full time, have a house full of young kids, DH is gone most of the day, and there is just no time. by the time I finish work, kids are home in shifts, I'm busy with supper, homework, baths, bedtime, etc and then home 'babysitting'. there isn't really time to get together.
In the summer we will sometimes hang out an hour or two in someone's yard, but more then that - I think everyone is just strapped in time and energy.
Neighbors will care and when post partem they will drop off a container of soup or offer supper. When making a simcha we get lots of home made platters and offers to help, from mothers or high school girls, but there isn't a socializing or 'go out for coffee' relationship.

Eating out is more of a yeshivish thing, it isn't common where I am for families to get together for meals, newlyweds in basements will be invited out to older families, but families with a few kids are less common to get together.

Sometimes Friday night I'll go over to a neighbor to 'shmooze', but even that isn't so common.
Unless its a community of SAHM or have a lot of help and free time, I don't see most Lakewood neighborhoods conducive to that type of relationship.

amother

Burlywood

Sat, Feb 06 2016, 9:31 pm

Lavender amother, I'm approximately as busy as you describe. My problem is not even that families don't invite each other. My problem is that I have no friends. I am friendly (cordial?) with my neighbors, we may schmooze outside. That's it, I don't have anyone to call if I have a question or problem, or something good to share whatever... And nobody calls me unless it's about carpool or such. My feeling is that even joining a shiur in the hope of finding like-minded individuals would not help. It seems that at shiurim you go in and out. Some come with their own friends, nobody's looking for a friend, or am I wrong?
And for my husband it's just a social disaster, I wrote about it.

amother

Burlywood

Sat, Feb 06 2016, 9:48 pm

Chayalle wrote:

But what about your kids? My little sister just bought a house in Jackson, but she just got married last summer, no kids yet...her hope is that by the time she has kids old enough to socialize there will be kids....people are slowly moving into the neighborhood there (on the other side of County Line Rd, oppposite the Pawnee area....) She can take risks at her stage of the game.

If you move somewhere with no options for your kids, you will be the master of ceremonies with regard to entertainment....personally, I'd rather cook, clean, and do laundry, with some entertainment on a quiet evening...but not to try to fill a social void.

Kids would probably have each other's company for now, just like in winter in the development. Until more families move in. It looks like Jackson is turning Jewish from white to new central and all the way up to Clearstream and metedeconk, including side streets. Now it's even starting to turn on the other side of county line where your sister bought.

Emotional

Sat, Feb 06 2016, 10:52 pm

amother wrote:

Hmm good point.

I was thinking more along the lines of having to schlep everyone in and out.

You mean we will end up paying for everything and then we'll be part of the route. That would be great.

You don't think they'll end up giving bussing like they did in the past two years, despite their threats? Remember last year we had this trial two day run of not taking buses because they threatened to cancel it for this year? In the end though they gave busing this year (I know, I know, some kids routes have not been picked up, and let's now see who's gonna be dropped in 2.5 weeks).

But sourstix, that's an excellent point. I'm sending a friendly cup of coffee your way as well, don't turn it down. I'm sending it not in a nosy way, I'm not even gonna ask anything about your family or other personal business.

I think I should open a coffee a coffee place thread here on imamother and I'll share some virtual cake with my imaginary friends. Mind you its my grandmothers recipes from the old country!

Don't tell my future shrink about my imaginary friends plz

Can I have a coffee too?
I like the people, the crowd, but still haven't made close friends.
I think you and I may be in the same age bracket and have similar age kids.

And I love coffee.☕☕☕

Chayalle

Mon, Feb 08 2016, 2:37 pm

amother wrote:

I hear, I've asked some people and didn't realize how booming things are in Jackson. You might like one of those streets of White Road, and people are even moving into the streets off of East Veterans, past Hope Chapel Road. I don't know much about the crowd, though, but maybe it could work for you.

It might help you to speak to an agent, sometimes they know about different neighborhoods.

amother

Burlywood

Mon, Feb 08 2016, 3:28 pm

Chayalle wrote:

It looks like it's spreading out quite far, at least the agents are already selling there.

As much as weve been trying to just get away, I am quite petrified because in my current place I have a luxury of babysitters. Granted, not always does it work and it can be a nerve-wrecking exercise in futility to get one when you need her but still at least sometimes you do get. It allows me to get out of the house for a couple of hours here and there, to go to an occasional shiur, school function or just drive around with dh.

That's a huge thing for me because we don't have any family here who would babysit.
I'm so so torn!

And to respond to one of your earlier posts, I have no friends here we could move close to. I finished high school abroad and never went to a seminary. In ny it was impossible to meet ppl, being stuck home with kids without an eruv; besides in ny you don't just randomly make friends, and we couldn't find a community that could have been be a source of friendships.

We moved to Lakewood because our friends/mentors/rav's family lived here. We used to be very close and also help each other a lot with various favors, and go there for some Seuss on yt. Unfortunately, in the past two years we drifted apart for various reasons... We're still in touch from time to time but not nearly as much as before. Their dd used to be my good friend and we used to be there for each other; but since she got married she drifted away. I know she's busy but basically we were friends when she needed me, and now apparently she doesn't. I know that even though she's busy she still spends time with her sisters and sisters in law but never with me. It's just sad because they always claimed I was like a sister/dil to them and we were very close. whatever, I feel let down. Dh has been feeling taken advantage of many times. For the past few yts I've been going mostly for the sake of the kids: with us being bts it gave them some sense that we also had some connections like all their neighbors and classmate, and we had some extended "family" to spend yomtov with, to "go out for a meal". Past few times when my dh went with them some of the grown kids gave him an attitude Sad sad sad

Chayalle

Wed, Feb 10 2016, 11:05 am

I know a family with teens that babysit, that have moved into the White Road area. I know another family moving in one of the streets off E Veterans, past Danielle/Putney. There will be teens that babysit in the area.

So sorry for the pain in your post, about the family you were close to that you are now more distant from.....It hurts to be "like a sister/dil" but...not quite. Imamother has been an eye-opener to me about the valiant struggles of BT's who don't have the benefit of an extended family network that you can always fall back on, especially Yomim tovim, Shabbos meals, etc....and super sorry about your DH getting an attitude from grown children. All I can say is that I hope to be more sensitive and welcoming, and to teach my children to maintain an attitude of respect to people who had the courage to make such a huge change in their lives for the sake of keeping Torah and Mitzvos. Hug

Hashem loves you. I hope you can find a neighborhood that becomes like family. Perhaps in one of these newer developing areas where everyone counts, that can happen for you.

kollel wife

Wed, Feb 10 2016, 11:51 am

It funny. My experiences are so different. I am living in Lakewood maybe 25 years - but always felt close, friendly with many different neighbors who have come and gone. I live in the area not so far from yeshiva.

I can't tell you where to buy, etc - all sounds crazy when I hear about the prices. I think you would enjoy Rebbetzin Bassie Cohen's shiur and getting to know her and her husband. Not sure what the men in that shul are like - housing nearby there I'm sure is expensive. But you can still try the shiur.

I will say as we get older, I don't stop by neighbors like I used to. Bring the small kids and let them play. Just busier at home. Can get my big nap on Shabbos. I just don't get out so much - not deliberate, that's just what happens.

amother

Chartreuse

Wed, Mar 01 2017, 3:04 am

Bumping up this old thread to look for updates.

I am researching neighborhoods in Lakewood; looking for a simple, frum neighborhood with a community feel. I am interested to hear more about Hearthstone - what is it like now, and can anyone list a few street names as I really am not familiar with Lakewood (moving from out of Lakewood).

What other neighborhoods have a mix of families - middle school age kids and high school (I have babies as well, but don't want an area with only people in their 20s) - and a simple, friendly atmosphere?