What would be the appropriate response?

FranticFrummie

Sun, Feb 07 2016, 8:46 am

Wow, I second everything anonymrs said, 100%!

I forgot to add, that my DD is also extremely smart and aware, and has struggled with anxiety for a long time. She also tends to think of adults as equals, is strong willed, and wants to control every little thing around her. She's 12 now, and still has these traits, but she has a lot more confidence and coping skills, because I did NOT coddle her tantrums.

I would always snuggle her and talk to her when she was starting to wind down and could listen, but in the heat of the moment, no matter what you do, it will be wrong. Just let it happen, and stay as calm as you can.

Anxious kids need to see that you are not getting emotionally sucked into their drama, they need to see you as strong and able to resist giving in. They won't like it in the moment, but it will give them the overall feeling that you are the one in control, and that gives them security. Knowing that they can manipulate you is a short term win for them, but they lose out in the long term.

amother

Aqua

Sun, Feb 07 2016, 9:56 am

I didn't read the whole thread, but OP your post reminds me of my son the same age. I apologize if I repeat what someone else may have already said.
Children with anxiety need extra love and extra help to get past it. They need gentle pushing to go past their self imposed boundaries, but only at a time when they feel safe to do so.
My son, same age, is also extremely precocious and full of anxiety. He does well with an extremely structured day. I discuss changes with him and give him an illusion of control. For instance, I walk him to school after I drop his sister off at the babysitter. I ask him in the morning, are we running early? We can go to your school first, if you want. Then he can choose and feel safe with changes and making choices for himself. Try to let him control his environment as much as possible. When I put my son to bed I ask him "where do you want your water bottle? Should I leave your shutters open or closed? Should I leave your books next to you? " I let him determine these things so he does have control.
Also, if he needs help, sometimes he has to know I can't help. But try before sitting down tp nurse to anticipate anything truly obvious. Especially regarding things that give him anxiety. In general, an organized structure will be his lifeline, so accustom him to structure and structuring himself.
Discuss his anxiety and NAME IT. If he is scared of the bathroom, I would say "is the bathroom making you nervous? " once people with anxiety can name it and speak it out the anxiety is literally halved. Works for adults too Wink

When they melt down, give a huge hug and sing a song. I sing him "goodnight my angel" by billy joel and he calls it his calm down song. Thinking of switching to a Jewish song though Smile

You want to get to the point where he can name what is bothering him, be specific, and use coping mechanisms to calm himself down. This is a life skill many adults lack, so its an amazing long term investment.
So keep the long term in mind, and it will help him develop these skills. You are doing great, its really challenging!!! Sometimes I feel like he is tearing my mind to pieces. But he's also so loving and when he's feeling secure, he's adorable and so happy. It makes me feel so accomplished.

amother

Aqua

Sun, Feb 07 2016, 11:30 am

Iymnok wrote:

I give minimal attention to a tantrum. If I am super calm and uninvolved, they eventually stop. I'd rather wet pants than to teach that this is a legitimate way to gain attention.

That's true for many kids but I find it just backfires with anxious kids. They freak out even more. I think the best way to get them to avoid the tantrum stage is to note to themselves that they are getting anxious so they can verbalize it. When you can get your child to have this self awareness, they can get past the anxiety that is causing the tantrum. If the tantrum is brattiness based, not anxiety based, (and its not hard to tell if you know your child) then I would do the stay calm and ignore method.

seeker

Sun, Feb 07 2016, 12:01 pm

Giving in to a tantrum is spoiling.
Giving a child what he wants/needs before it becomes a tantrum is strategic parenting.
No child will ever be spoiled by too much preemptive cuddling and attention.

Some really great ideas by 5* and Chani8.

Setting boundaries does not need to mean punishing, power struggles, and lots of crying. There are positive, proactive ways to do it. It's a challenging learned skill. You could try reading a book like "love and logic magic for early childhood" but that's not the only approach, find something that feels right to you.

Also, while you don't want to give attention to a tantrum that doesn't always mean you need to ignore the child for the duration of it. Just keep attention to a minimum - whatever you say should be brief, in a very calm voice, and very matter-of-fact. You can offer to help the child calm down or to give him an opportunity to express himself differently - maybe he's ready but doesn't know how. And if he's not ready then you just go back to what you were doing and try again later.

A child having a tantrum is out of control and in a very uncomfortable, insecure place.

Also, you should know that it's ok to sometimes put aside the baby for the bigger kid. This was one of the best bits of advice given to me when my second was a newborn. If you stop nursing for a minute to help an older kid, of course not every time but sometimes, the older kid gets a strong message that their needs are just as important to you. They are still loved. If their needs are always being put off it could damage your relationship for a long time. The baby, on the other hand, will cry for a minute, be happy as a lark again as soon as you get back to it, and will promptly forget the whole episode and be very well-adjusted by the time they're 3. Our mother-of-baby instinct is to put the baby first. It looks so helpless and needy and is programmed to trigger all our fresh mother hormones. But reality is that the baby will be ok if it needs to cry for a minute.

Last thing: Maybe I'm an awful spoiling mom but I do sometimes give in to tantrums *if* I know that the child is very overtired or overhungry or sick or for whatever reason really seems to not be in their right mind. Sometimes you just have to not fight. Yesterday my 3-year-old was tired at a good time for a nap but didn't nap, and then we were out of the house until late, and yes she started falling apart near bedtime. I took off her dress and a minute later she was screaming like a banshee to put it back on. She tried doing it herself but got stuck between the lining and the dress and was too hysterical to do anything about it. I knew she was just a pitiful overtired creature so I used my most soothing voice to approach, help her into the dress, calm her down, and move her on to the next thing. "Oh honey you sound so tired. Are you tired? (sad nod) Would you like to do books first or go straight to sleep? (ignoring dress)" She decided to start with brushing teeth, after which she came to her senses (in a manner of speaking), realized she was still wearing a dress in middle of bedtime, and started to freak out about getting out of the dress. So I changed her into pajamas. What was I going to do, fight all night because an overtired toddler is crying instead of asking nicely? She fell asleep in less than a second after that. End of story. I don't think I lost any parenting ground by being responsive to her needs when she was feeling crazy.