nephew's vort | Imamother

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Nephew's vort

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amother

Brown

Sun, Feb 14 2016, 12:01 am

My oldest nephew just got engaged. I have 2 married nieces. I'm the youngest and I kind of grew up with this nephew so Im very happy for him. We live in NYC and the vort is in Lakewood. DH isnt a big fan of vorts and doesn't want to go. My brother said we are not expected to go. Does it look weird if we don't go?

cnc

Sun, Feb 14 2016, 12:04 am

Is it very difficult to go?
NY to Lkwd is not that far and I would expect aunts of the chosson to be there, assuming they were not out of town for some reason, or ill etc.

DrMom

Sun, Feb 14 2016, 12:04 am

Go without DH.

greenfire

Sun, Feb 14 2016, 12:15 am

this is your nephew & you sound like you want to go ... of course your brother doesn't want to make you feel obligated ... leave your husband home if he's such a party pooper and go & enjoy the simcha - you only live once & mazel tov !!!

joy613

Sun, Feb 14 2016, 12:20 am

To answer your question, yes It will look wierd if an aunt and uncle don't show up to their nephews vort.

seeker

Sun, Feb 14 2016, 12:46 am

Just go. You're thinking too hard. It's a simcha, be there with them.

amother

Brown

Sun, Feb 14 2016, 12:48 am

Op here, of my siblings only one lives in the nyc area and I doubt he's going--he's busier and more anti-social than my husband. The other thing is what to do with my kids? My husband doesn't want to miss yeshiva o. accounr of this. Do I bring them (5,3&1)by myself? On the otherhand I happen to be already going to lakewood on Sunday for a different simcha, and vort is Monday. Do I make the trip on 2 consecutive days by myself (lone driver--I wont be the only one in the car either time but only one who can drive)? It will mean getting back late and I have work the next day. I mean whats the point of going, im hardly going to see them. The kallah likely wont care about meeting the aunts and unlces--there will be plenty of them on my SIL's side. Im not going to enjoy it without my husband there. Im very torn

flippingout18!

Sun, Feb 14 2016, 1:57 am

I would go. Simchas like this dont happen all the time. I would be upset if my aunt didnt come to my vort...
Is there any way you could hire a babysitter for a few hours?

seeker

Sun, Feb 14 2016, 2:03 am

Hmmm... you didn't say there were kids involved and that DH is resenting the loss of his learning time. That definitely throws some wrenches in the works.

I would still really want to make every effort, but it looks hard. Do you have a MIL or sister in law from the other side who lives near you and can watch your kids or divide the time with DH? Because a trip to Lakewood and back would be a very long time to have a babysitter, and also a very long shlep to take the kids - definitely nobody would expect that.

What time is this vort? Is it something that could overlap with your kids' bedtime, like that if you go and leave DH with the kids he will be able to learn half the time while they're sleeping? Because I think asking him to give up 5 hours for this is too much, but if it's really just an hour of putting them to bed and then 4 hours of staying in a quiet house with sleeping kids, that sounds like a reasonable trade-off for you not asking him to come along. If there's a chavrusa involved they can learn in the house after the kids are asleep.

Iymnok

Sun, Feb 14 2016, 3:35 am

Ask your SIL if she has anyone who would like to come from your neighborhood/area.
Get a babysitter and go for a short time.
This way, DH can stay home, kidws get to sleep on time, you can go and you may end up with company in the car.

DrMom

Sun, Feb 14 2016, 4:07 am

Am I the only one who doesn't think it's acceptable that OP's DH won't go because "he doesn't like vorts?" It's a family simcha and he is married to you -- he should make an effort to attend. I'm sure you wouldn't just bow out of a bar-mitzvah on his side of the family because "you don't like bar mitzvahs." What kind of a reason is that? You're part of the family, you go.

Raisin

Sun, Feb 14 2016, 7:04 am

I think your husband should stay home with the kids at the very least. Or get a babysitter to fill the time between you leaving and husband coming home.

amother

Brown

Sun, Feb 14 2016, 8:04 am

Op here. DH told me "we'd talk" today about it. What makes the babysitter option not so easy is I dont have any SIL from DH's side, and my in-laws are already watching my kids tonight--sleep over-- b/c of pre-arranged plans so is it fair to them to stay wiyh a babysitter Monday night. Getting a regular babysitter isnt so easy b/c I don't get paid until Tuesday and we dont really have cash right now. DH is learning for smicha so he feels a time pressure. Ka"h I have a lot of nieces and nephews --several currently "in the parsha". This would be the 3rd recenr family simcha (oot nephew's bar mitzvah that was impractical for the whole family to attend and my cousin's vort--he babysat) where DH didnt go and I ont like going to family simchos witout him. On the one hand, I feel like a "close family member" on the other hand at previous simchos for my nieces, I felt like a "3rd wheel".Even though we are close in age. I dont know, im very torn.

Raisin

Sun, Feb 14 2016, 9:15 am

so just take the kids with you. I think its important to make an effort. Unless you really don't care about your family at all.

amother

Brown

Sun, Feb 14 2016, 11:47 am

OP here, so now they are talking of making the vort Wednesday night. Which means even if I can every one ready to leave 6ish I'll be stuck in rush hour traffic, not getting home before 11pm--probably more like midnight. I already know that neither of my other siblings will be there. DH isn't crazy about me schlepping--with or without kids. I really want to be part of this simcha, but it just doesn't seem smart to "waste" my evening like this. Oh, what to do?

kenz

Sun, Feb 14 2016, 12:58 pm

OP, I have a husband just like yours, so I totally hear you, but with all due respect, each of your posts is screaming, "Please tell me it's okay for me to skip my nephew's vort." No one is saying that because it's still your family. If you feel it's okay, then you need to make that decision yourself. I know in my family it would NOT be okay, regardless of what the extenuating circumstances might be.

seeker

Sun, Feb 14 2016, 1:46 pm

OP, you live almost 2 hours away and have a handful of little kids, and I'm assuming a job too. Nobody is going to fault you for not going. The question is if YOU feel you'd be missing out or not doing the right thing. If the brother who's making the simcha is the one who told you he isn't expecting you to come, I think you can trust that. You can call shortly before it's starting to let them know you're thinking of them and wish you could be there.

You mentioned having other family members in NY who also aren't going, but are there family members perhaps closer/in Lakewood who are going? One of the reasons I push myself extra to attend certain family simchos is that one side of my family has very few local relatives so I feel like being there makes a difference. The other side of my family has a lot of relatives nearby so I feel like even if I don't go they will still be surrounded by loved ones.

In any case, I would NOT take my 5, 3, and 1 year olds on a 2-hour-each-way trip to go to a vort. No matter how hard I want to be there. It's just not fair for them, besides the major effort for me (getting them all dressed, getting them all into the car, bringing snacks, dealing with their needs on the way, getting all 3 out of and back into their car seats and coats at each rest stop... just no way) The DH can watch them, if you're thinking of leaving at 6 and returning by 11 (the trip back should be faster) then he only has what, an hour before they're in bed and he has the house to himself?

seeker

Sun, Feb 14 2016, 1:54 pm

DrMom wrote:

I think it's absolutely acceptable. A vort is not at all like a bar mitzvah.
1. A bar mitzvah is THE coming-of-age event. A vort is not, the main event is the wedding which they will surely attend as a family.
2. A bar mitzvah is generally a sit-down event with a meal, speeches, dancing. Again, more like a mini-wedding type of thing. A vort is where you pop in for a few minutes, say mazal tov to the appropriate parties, move right on so the next well-wishers can say mazal tov, and then stand around awkwardly for another few minutes wondering if that's all now. Maybe you run into another couple of relatives or acquaintances, make about one minute of meaningless small talk with each of them, and possibly grab a piece of regrettable cake just so you have something to do with your hands. Then you leave and spend your two-hour trip home wondering if that was worth it and whether you mattered.

My DH is exactly the same way. He's not into social scenes in general, would rather be someplace quiet with a book, but he turns up to weddings and bar mitzvahs to celebrate with the family. But a vort he will only go to if he absolutely has to, which means either a very close friend or relative AND within about half hour of home or wherever he is at the time. I accept this and have no problem going to vorts without him, anyway they are usually gender-segregated so nobody even knows if a couple came separately. And because it is a drop-in/drop-out type of thing, it's normal for couples to take turns going. So nobody is going to ask awkward questions about why I'm there without DH anyway.

tiredmommy

Sun, Feb 14 2016, 4:37 pm

Am I the only one who thinks vort are a huge waste of time and money? For the op it's a lot of shlepping and in my opinion really not kedai. It will be five minutes of Mazel tov and then time to leave. JMHO of course!

Fox

Mon, Feb 15 2016, 2:03 pm

The Jewish world increasingly suffers from a malady I'll call "simcha creep."

Weddings are a big deal for families: Tenoyim and/or L'chaim; the Vort; the Shabbos Kallah; the Aufruf; the chassunah itself; the Sheva Brochos . . .

All of these are important, but they're not equally important. Nor are all designed for the same participants. Yet everyone is increasingly pressured to attend everything, and failure to do so for whatever reason carries the potential for insult and endless hurt feelings.

Years ago, Yeshivish leaders issued takonos against the custom of the vort and said explicitly that the l'chaim should be a small gathering for local family and friends only. We see how much influence that had. Now people have both, and relatives drive long distances or even fly across continents to participate!

With my DDs and their friends in shidduchim, I get to see simcha creep up close, and it is starting to veer into the ridiculous:

Proposals are now "scheduled" with far-flung friends and family so that everyone can be there for the tenoyim or l'chaim. One DD recently flew to NY for a friend's "proposal." Huh?, I said. Seems the proposal was scheduled for a certain evening so that everyone would be on hand and the bakery would have the requisite goodies prepared.

Vorts are now scheduled weeks in advance and are quite often catered.

And if either member of the couple is from a a slightly different community or geographical location, it can turn into a traveling road show, with multiple l'chaims, vorts, or engagement parties -- all of which the family members are expected to attend barring extreme circumstances.

As TiredMommy pointed out, it's all a huge expense.

Even more, it's a huge drain on the extended family. In a large family, you can find yourself on the road constantly. Each branch of the family tree feels its simchas are as important as the others, and if you could manage to attend Shlomo's vort in Kensington, why can't you attend Mordechai's vort in Lakewood? Um, because Kensington is a 15-minute drive and Lakewood is a 2-hour drive?

L'chaims and vorts were never intended to shlep relatives from all corners of the world. When Star Trek-type transporting becomes a reality, we'll talk. Until then, OP, stay home. Apologive profusely and send a nice edible gift for the occasion. Attend the chassunah enthusiastically.

But please don't take your kids (and yourself) out in potentially dangerous weather and in difficult driving conditions for an occasion that, however lovely, is not really the main event.

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