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Nephew's vort
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amother
Brown


 

Post Mon, Feb 15 2016, 6:23 pm
Op here, I hear everything that everyone is saying. I understand its kind of "nuts" to do. However, in speaking to various relatives--from both mine and my SIL's side who mostly live in my neighborhood it seems that just about everyone (at least one family member) is TRYING to get there--even my own SIL who I know doesn't have time for ANYTHING is making an effort to get there. I know everyone "knows" my situation and no one will think "badly" about me for NOT going, but then again everyone "knows" that I'm the type to "go-the-extra-mile" for people. DH is trying to convince me to do the "right and sensible" thing and not go. Will I regret this decision?
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amother
Orange


 

Post Mon, Feb 15 2016, 6:39 pm
My husbands the same way.. Has no interest in these things.. I end up going myself to a lot of stuff .. Yes it's hard sometimes but I know they are very happy and it's important for me to be there .. I think you should explain to your dh how much you'd like to be there and if he would be able to babysit
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amother
Brown


 

Post Mon, Feb 15 2016, 6:45 pm
OP here, the problem is that he doesn't get home until 7:30 and the vort is 7:30-10:30 in Lakewood. If I leave NYC at 7:30 I get there EARLIEST around 9pm stay for an 1-1.5 hrs and leave at 10:30 to get home at midnight?

Problem is that its not impossible and that's what gets me. I'm not against doing "crazy" things--that's why I'm so torn. If this were impossible to do, I'd feel less guilty about not going.
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amother
Purple


 

Post Mon, Feb 15 2016, 7:01 pm
Am I the only one that wouldn't even think missing my nephews vort? It's your nephew, how can you not go to his vort? How can you not be there to share in your brothers simcha? How would you feel if your siblings wouldn't show up to your childs vort? Just go . You will not regret going but you will definitely regret not going.
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seeker




 
 
    
 

Post Mon, Feb 15 2016, 7:15 pm
You don't have to be there for the whole thing, nobody except the couple and their parents is ever there for the whole vort in my universe. If you leave NY at 7:30, get there between 9 and 10, stay for 30-45 minutes, and get home before midnight that should work ok unless you're the kind of person for whom getting home at midnight would wreck the next day.

What are all the other people who are TRYING to get there doing? Can you team up with one and take turns driving so you don't need to be driving yourself both ways so late at night?
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seeker




 
 
    
 

Post Mon, Feb 15 2016, 7:17 pm
amother wrote:
Am I the only one that wouldn't even think missing my nephews vort? It's your nephew, how can you not go to his vort? How can you not be there to share in your brothers simcha? How would you feel if your siblings wouldn't show up to your childs vort? Just go . You will not regret going but you will definitely regret not going.

I dunno, one side of my family is pretty huge with a lot of cousins close in age for many years in a row, and while they all made an effort to attend each other's local simchos I don't think most would travel 2 hours for a vort unless there was some very special reason - an especially close relationship or something.
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amother
Purple


 

Post Mon, Feb 15 2016, 7:25 pm
seeker wrote:
I dunno, one side of my family is pretty huge with a lot of cousins close in age for many years in a row, and while they all made an effort to attend each other's local simchos I don't think most would travel 2 hours for a vort unless there was some very special reason - an especially close relationship or something.


Being the chossons aunt, is a special reason in my book. You're talking about your own siblings simcha, isn't that special enough?
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seeker




 
 
    
 

Post Mon, Feb 15 2016, 7:34 pm
Again, if you have 8 siblings (let's say all within 15 years of each other) and they each have 8 kids - if a similar timeframe to the parent generation, that means you can expect approximately 64 lechaims/vorts/aufrufs/weddings within about 35 years, overlapping with the bar/bat mitzvas of the same generation as well - no matter how special each child is, you are not going to even think you're going to make it to every single vort. You are going to have to pretty quickly get used to saying "oh well that one's just too hard for me to make it, I'll have to make do with a phone call and maybe chip in with some other siblings for a gift and hope that the wedding is easier to get to."
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SRS




 
 
    
 

Post Mon, Feb 15 2016, 10:41 pm
I think it is perfectly fine to draw up some guidelines for simchas. Do we attend all brissim or only local ones? Upsherins? Vorts or L'Chaims? Aufrufs? Weddings? Sheva Brochos? People work. People have children. People have school events. People have a variety of obligations. A lot of people have very large families.

I think it perfectly reasonable to say yes to some simchas, no to others, travel separately for some and together for others. Time has a budget too.

(And while I am happy to pop in and have something at a neighbor's vort, I personally put these simchas in my low esteem category. I'm not sure why we are throwing these parties and putting so much significance on them when I can't see the religious significance).
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5mom




 
 
    
 

Post Mon, Feb 15 2016, 11:53 pm
So your husband will have to come home early one night. This is a family simcha, and you ought to make the effort. It's not flying cross country, it's just a little driving. In my experience, no one ever regrets going to a simcha.

It's fine if your husband doesn't want to go, but it's not ok to keep you from going. He can be a little flexible here.
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animeme




 
 
    
 

Post Tue, Feb 16 2016, 3:57 am
amother wrote:
If I leave NYC at 7:30 I get there EARLIEST around 9pm stay for an 1-1.5 hrs and leave at 10:30 to get home at midnight?.


This is the schedule I would choose if I were you, even if your dh was coming home earlier. Leaving NYC before 7:30 will likely not get you there much earlier anyway because of traffic. Also, ime, many vort that say "7:30-10:30" really mean "8:00-11:00".

Would dh support this schedule? You get them ready for bed, put in those you can, and get in the car. If you want company, you can find out if the kallah has any friends near you who might want a ride. You show up, you hug everyone and take pictures. Everyone says, "Oh my! How long did it take you to get here?" You call dh and hand the phone to your parents/sibling so he can say mazal tov if this will be appreciated, and they thanks him for watching the kids so you can come. You accept treats for kids and dh if they are offered. And half an hour to 45 minutes later (even if it's not over yet), you go.
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amother
Brown


 

Post Thu, Feb 18 2016, 7:43 pm
OP here, in the end I went. I was the only one available to bring my mother. DH stayed home with the kids (he actually came home a few minutes early to make it easier for me). I'm glad I did it. In the end DH understood why I was doing it.
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cnc




 
 
    
 

Post Thu, Feb 18 2016, 8:38 pm
amother wrote:
OP here, in the end I went. I was the only one available to bring my mother. DH stayed home with the kids (he actually came home a few minutes early to make it easier for me). I'm glad I did it. In the end DH understood why I was doing it.


I'm sure the baal simchas appreciated it!
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tigerwife




 
 
    
 

Post Thu, Feb 18 2016, 8:50 pm
Good for you. Going was the right thing to do.
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amother
Brown


 

Post Sat, Feb 20 2016, 8:28 pm
OP here, while I know it was the right thing to do, and I'm happy I went. DH is still making me feel guilty about it--and still thinks I was crazy for going. He said the kids were up until 10pm--when they are usually asleep by 9pm, and he was waiting up for me until I got home at 1am--so he was tired the next day.
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cnc




 
 
    
 

Post Sat, Feb 20 2016, 8:41 pm
amother wrote:
OP here, while I know it was the right thing to do, and I'm happy I went. DH is still making me feel guilty about it--and still thinks I was crazy for going. He said the kids were up until 10pm--when they are usually asleep by 9pm, and he was waiting up for me until I got home at 1am--so he was tired the next day.


What exactly does he expect you to do now that it's over and done with?
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causemommysaid




 
 
    
 

Post Sat, Feb 20 2016, 9:35 pm
Bar mitzvahs and weddings. I don't go to anything else. But then again I live waaaay out of town so even those are a massive effort.
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