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Forum -> Pregnancy & Childbirth -> Baby Names
Naming after someone when you don't like the name
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amother
Slategray


 

Post Thu, Feb 18 2016, 8:53 pm
What do you do in a situation like this? The ways I know that people go around it wouldn't go over well - making it a middle name,
making it a first name but calling child by their middle name,
making it their Hebrew name and then going by an English name,
using a nickname.

We have relatives close by who would resent any of those things. I kinda feel a parent should get to choose a name they like and not feel pressured to use a certain name. Thoughts?

Another secondary issue - if we just end up using that name, do I give the name I really like as a middle name or "save" it in case we have another kid of that gender (which could totally not happen as who knows if we'll have another kid of that gender)? This decision is driving me nuts!
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amother
Royalblue


 

Post Thu, Feb 18 2016, 9:05 pm
My husband's grandmother passed away shortly before I got pregnant. As soon as I was pregnant everyone said that they hoped I was having a girl so she would be named for. Thing is, I absolutely hated the name and wouldn't even give it as a second name. Sure enough, I had a girl and we surprised everyone by choosing a totally different name. Yes, the family was upset, but they got over it. I am very happy that we didn't use the name.
You do not have to give your child a name that you dislike.
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amother
Ginger


 

Post Thu, Feb 18 2016, 9:23 pm
My husband's grandmother passed away shortly before one of my girls were born. Not only did I hate the name, it was the kind of name that I know in my circles that there was a good chance other kids would tease her about. So I picked a name that meant something similar. The family was upset, but it did help that I picked out a name with a similar meaning.

By another kid, I had another grandparent to name after. I didn't like the name to much either, but it wasn't so bad that I worried others would make fun of it. So I used the name, and after the first year or so it really grew on me. I still don't love the name in general, but - its hard to explain - for my son I do - I now feel like it really fits him and is cute for him.
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freedomseek




 
 
    
 

Post Thu, Feb 18 2016, 10:16 pm
I gave a name I disliked for my first daughter because of familial pressure.
She's 9 and I still regret and resent it.
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amother
Ruby


 

Post Thu, Feb 18 2016, 10:35 pm
I gave a name I disliked to appease a relative. I call my child by a first name that I love, and the name I dislike is the second name. I regret it so much. it did nothing to appease this relative and wish I could change it. I did want that name for the meaning but I still cringe when I hear it. It's quite awful sounding and very unusual. In the hospital after child was born dh mentioned another second name that would be appropriate but I just said nah, we already decided on this lets just stick to it. I learned my lesson. only names I like from now on.
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amother
Wine


 

Post Thu, Feb 18 2016, 10:46 pm
I gave a name I disliked alone but put a second name to it and I love it together. My in laws were upset but tough. It's my baby and I name it wtvr I want has zero to do with them.
I have 2 girl names now that I absolutely hate and will not give. And honestly if ppl are upset about it let them.....
Remember the parents pick the name not anyone else and they have no right to be upset over it.
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agreer




 
 
    
 

Post Thu, Feb 18 2016, 11:43 pm
I'm gonna dissent, using my own screen name no less, based no personal experience.

I think there are a lot of factors in naming, but in my view, if the name will honor your PARENT b/c it is after their parent or sibling (not further than that), and you dislike the name, but not hate it, you should give the name as a form of Kibbud Av V'eim. (Yes, this is a real part of the mitzvah, and yes, there is a source - look it up in The Fifth Commandment by Artscroll....I gave the source in another thread.)

*Note: I would only do it to honor a parent, not any other relative, and only if I "disliked" the name, not hated it.

My mother named me after my grandmother. She did not particularly care for the name OR for her grandmother, but she LOVED her mother dearly, and in honor of her mother, she gave the name. Unlike the previous posters, she grew to love the name dearly. And my grandmother was so, so happy to have a name after her mother.

I know many people that haven't "loved" a name but have given it out of filial duty and grew to love it. Most people who respond to online threads (not just on this site) do so because they are upset, as many of the PPs are... but it's not always the case.

I don't see why the OP cannot give the name and use a nickname - you mentioned that as one of the things that "won't work"... Why not? If the relative is that hard to please, then yeah, give it up and choose a name you like.

Good luck!
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Ruchel




 
 
    
 

Post Fri, Feb 19 2016, 8:48 am
Give the name, use one of the options you mentioned, and if they resent it, tell them you named.
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anony




 
 
    
 

Post Fri, Feb 19 2016, 9:04 am
I don't have any children so no "real" experience in the area, but I imagine giving a name with a similar meaning and/or sound (For example starting with the same letter, etc) might be the next best option. But I agree with what a lot of people said.. while it is nice to remember a relative through a name, you should not feel pressured to use a name you dislike.
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nicole81




 
 
    
 

Post Fri, Feb 19 2016, 9:07 am
I say it's up to the parents and the families just need to get over it.

But there's another option (one which my husband and I are using) is that you can name after the person by choosing a completely different name that has the same or similar meaning, thereby naming after the person's essence and honoring them, but in a way that you can live with and will actually be used. I think if you name after someone but never use that name, the point is essentially lost.
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amother
Ecru


 

Post Fri, Feb 19 2016, 9:08 am
agreer wrote:
I'm gonna dissent, using my own screen name no less, based no personal experience.

I think there are a lot of factors in naming, but in my view, if the name will honor your PARENT b/c it is after their parent or sibling (not further than that), and you dislike the name, but not hate it, you should give the name as a form of Kibbud Av V'eim. (Yes, this is a real part of the mitzvah, and yes, there is a source - look it up in The Fifth Commandment by Artscroll....I gave the source in another thread.)

*Note: I would only do it to honor a parent, not any other relative, and only if I "disliked" the name, not hated it.

My mother named me after my grandmother. She did not particularly care for the name OR for her grandmother, but she LOVED her mother dearly, and in honor of her mother, she gave the name. Unlike the previous posters, she grew to love the name dearly. And my grandmother was so, so happy to have a name after her mother.

I know many people that haven't "loved" a name but have given it out of filial duty and grew to love it. Most people who respond to online threads (not just on this site) do so because they are upset, as many of the PPs are... but it's not always the case.

I don't see why the OP cannot give the name and use a nickname - you mentioned that as one of the things that "won't work"... Why not? If the relative is that hard to please, then yeah, give it up and choose a name you like.

Good luck!


I'm not brave enough to use my screen name, because I don't want to hurt anyone.

I got an ugly name because my parents wanted to honor their parents. And while it's true that my grandparents were happy, I'm the one who had to carry the burden. So you might want to take the child into account.
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glamourmom




 
 
    
 

Post Fri, Feb 19 2016, 9:37 am
please also take into account if it's a common or regular name that you simply dislike or if it's a name that can cause teasing or bullying for the child or is a name with a negative connotation. a common name that you dislike you may grow to like because you love your child and that will be your new association with the name.

I'd say if you're okay with your child having that name but you don't want to call him/her by it, just give it and add another name or use a nickname you do like.
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Faigy86




 
 
    
 

Post Fri, Feb 19 2016, 9:51 am
glamourmom wrote:
please also take into account if it's a common or regular name that you simply dislike or if it's a name that can cause teasing or bullying for the child or is a name with a negative connotation. a common name that you dislike you may grow to like because you love your child and that will be your new association with the name.


This. I think there is a huge difference if you personally have an aversion (or less) to the name, or if in your community it is considered to be a horrible name.
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Chayalle




 
 
    
 

Post Fri, Feb 19 2016, 10:23 am
amother wrote:
I'm not brave enough to use my screen name, because I don't want to hurt anyone.

I got an ugly name because my parents wanted to honor their parents. And while it's true that my grandparents were happy, I'm the one who had to carry the burden. So you might want to take the child into account.


This.

My mother A"H was an only child born to her parents after 10 years of marriage. She was immediately saddled with both her grandmother and great-grandmother H"YD names, both not-commonly-known, "different" names. My mother told us many times that she was made fun of and teased as a child, and that she doesn't want any of us to name our children after her. Every one of us heard this from her.

But fast forward, and how can we not give the name? My mother past away after Pesach, and not much time passed before my SIL gave birth to a baby girl. My brother wanted the name, despite what my mother said, and they asked a sheila and were told to give the name.

SIL cried to me and I told her that she must come up with a nickname that works, and we came up with one. The child is being called something cute that most people will think goes for a popular Tanach name, but actually does not - it's just similar. Until her Kesubah, no one outside the family needs to know.

My father is also fine with it since he heard my mother say not to give her name many times.

My brother has looked up the source of my mother's names and says they are actually based on certain more popular names. I imagine some people in the family will likely give these names.
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Faigy86




 
 
    
 

Post Fri, Feb 19 2016, 10:32 am
Chayalle wrote:
But fast forward, and how can we not give the name? My mother passed away after Pesach, and not much time passed before my SIL gave birth to a baby girl. My brother wanted the name, despite what my mother said, and they asked a sheila and were told to give the name.


Out of curiosity, were they told they should give the name, or simply that if your brother wanted to, they could give the name?
It's a big difference.
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saw50st8




 
 
    
 

Post Fri, Feb 19 2016, 10:35 am
OP, we named my oldest after my father, whos hebrew name I don't particularly like (Meir Pinchas)and call him by his english name. The name also corresponds to DH's grandfather's name (who only had one name - Meir) . We considered our son named after both of them, she was taken aback when we said that and said "That wasn't his name." Too bad, we are passing the name on that way anyway.

I would choose the option that you want. Do YOU want to name after the relative? Do you want your child to carry it on in some way? If yes, choose what's best for you.

As the child, I definitely felt obligated (and wanted!) to use my father's name even though I didn't like it. We call DS by his English name but he still gets called by his Hebrew name in school and will use when getting called to the Torah. That's not insignificant IMO.
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Ema of 5




 
 
    
 

Post Fri, Feb 19 2016, 11:09 am
What if you use a different version of the name? Like use Zahava instead of golda. Or Shoshana instead of Raizel. My parents named me after my mothers grandmother, and I hate the name. I have never used it, and there was a Shaila if it had to go on the kesuba. I plan to write in my will that my children, grandchildren, etc. are under NO obligation to use that name. I guess it's a good thing they gave me another name too :-)
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Chayalle




 
 
    
 

Post Fri, Feb 19 2016, 11:21 am
Faigy86 wrote:
Out of curiosity, were they told they should give the name, or simply that if your brother wanted to, they could give the name?
It's a big difference.


I believe they were told they SHOULD give the name. Otherwise my SIL wouldn't have. I felt bad for her (BTW she also has the burden of a "different" name, and she told me it always bothered her....)

In any case, the child is being called Rikki. It works.
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Faigy86




 
 
    
 

Post Fri, Feb 19 2016, 11:24 am
Chayalle wrote:
I believe they were told they SHOULD give the name. Otherwise my SIL wouldn't have. I felt bad for her (BTW she also has the burden of a "different" name, and she told me it always bothered her....)

In any case, the child is being called Rikki. It works.


So interesting, even if the mother specifically said that she didn't want...
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Chayalle




 
 
    
 

Post Fri, Feb 19 2016, 11:29 am
eema of 3 wrote:
What if you use a different version of the name? Like use Zahava instead of golda. Or Shoshana instead of Raizel. My parents named me after my mothers grandmother, and I hate the name. I have never used it, and there was a Shaila if it had to go on the kesuba. I plan to write in my will that my children, grandchildren, etc. are under NO obligation to use that name. I guess it's a good thing they gave me another name too :-)


The problem is when our parents or grandparents aren't satisfied with the translation. For example, I have a great-great-grandmother or something like that whose name was Shaindle. Now please all Shaindles don't get upset, but my DH only likes Hebrew names, not yiddish ones. In any case, I never knew of Shaindle's existence until I was pg with my oldest and my mother told me that my grandmother had "decided" that if I had a girl it was going to be Shaindel, after her grandmother, whom I felt no particular connection to..... My mother advised me to not call my grandmother until after I had given birth and, if a girl, I had already named her, and I could pretend I had no idea...... I remember discussing with DH, no way were we giving Shaindel, and my grandmother would NEVER have been satisfied with Adina or some other translation, it would mean nothing to her. Lucky for me, DD was born on R"H and we had named her by the time I called my grandmother.

With my next DD I actually used one of the ideas you mention above, on DH's side, and my MIL A"H was completely pleased with the Hebrew version of the name, B"H. DD is named after DH's great-grandmother H"YD, and everyone was happy - I happen to love the Hebrew name, so does DH, MIL was pleased, etc...DD has told me many times that she's so happy we named her the Hebrew version.
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