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anya1
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 Wed, Feb 24 2016, 9:44 am
| cnc wrote: | We do 50/50.
I was under the impression that FLOP is a little outdated and not done so commonly anymore. |
Thanks.
What type of community are you part of? You're in America?
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amother
Salmon
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Wed, Feb 24 2016, 9:48 am
Israeli, dati leumi circles. We usually do 50/50 but if one side has a lot more guests, they pay for that.
Sometimes the guests' checks themselves go to pay for the wedding and then the parents give a nice amount of money to the young couple, so it comes out to the same thing.
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Chayalle
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Wed, Feb 24 2016, 9:58 am
| cnc wrote: | We do 50/50.
I was under the impression that FLOP is a little outdated and not done so commonly anymore. |
It's quite common in yeshivish circles. My sister got married very recently and her inlaws did FLOP, and my father paid for the wedding, setting up the home, and some support. Same for my married niece.
My inlaws also did FLOP when I got married.
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greenfire
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Wed, Feb 24 2016, 10:32 am
| amother wrote: | | S-- sheitel |
& here I thought the last S was for hand over your $$$$
[remember the commercial 'call 1(800) mattres drop the last S for savings' - this is the opposite]
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Chayalle
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Wed, Feb 24 2016, 10:44 am
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It is not common in Yeshivish circles for the Chassan to get cuff links (or anything else) in the Yichud room, though many give it as a gift at another time. As my niece said - in the Yichud room I am the present - and that's present enough!
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cuffs
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Wed, Feb 24 2016, 10:49 am
| anya1 wrote: | I'd like to take a survey to find out who pays for a wedding. When you respond state what type of community you are from (yeshivaish, modern orthodox etc) and if you are in Israel or chul.
I was told by someone in the US who is modern orthodox that the kallahs side always pays and this is known across the board. Seems old fashioned and unfair to me but I am interested to know if this is the standard or not. |
Hi, from NY my parents paid for everything besides FLOP
I'm frum bais yaakov girl
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Kugglegirl
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Wed, Feb 24 2016, 11:00 am
In my first marriage, my (now ex) inlaws offered us $8000. to elope. Maybe we should have taken that offer. Instead, we insisted on a traditional wedding party with kabbalas panim & chosson tish for all guests & sit down dinner for out of town guests and a few people we were close with.
The cost for that wedding was around $13,000. IIRC, and the cost was roughly split by the 2 sets of parents. The wedding dress was made by a seamstress, for about $250. I bought a synthetic shaitl for about $30. The groom insisted on specific gifts, such as talis, and kiddush cup. During engagement, I also paid for his bekesher & clothing, since he had no income and did not know how to shop for clothing on his own. He gave me a gold bracelet during the engagement, and the engagement ring was a family item.
In my B'H' second marriage, I paid for my wedding dress & my now husband (of almost 17 meaningful years) paid for the rest, including engagement ring, ketuba, wedding party for 80, which we held in his home.
Aside from the engagement ring, there were not any "expected" gifts. I gave him a challa cover I embroidered as a gift for Chanuka, during our engagement.
I think our total costs for the wedding party were between $4000- $5000.
We are yeshar torah yidden living in a diverse community in the United States.
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anya1
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Wed, Feb 24 2016, 11:04 am
| Kugglegirl wrote: | In my B'H' second marriage, I paid for my wedding dress & my now husband (of almost 17 meaningful years) paid for the rest, including engagement ring, ketuba, wedding party for 80, which we held in his home.
Aside from the engagement ring, there were not any "expected" gifts. I gave him a challa cover I embroidered as a gift for Chanuka, during our engagement.
I think our total costs for the wedding party were between $4000- $5000.
We are yeshar torah yidden living in a diverse community in the United States. |
Thanks for the info. Wish the prices today were the same as 17 years ago! We married off a child 4 years ago and the prices are much higher today 
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amother
Pewter
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Wed, Feb 24 2016, 11:20 am
We paid more for our son's wedding than the kallah's side simply because we were able to afford more. We didn't do FLOPS, but FLOPS is very common in our circle.
Our machatonim don't do gifts, because they really don't have money. We bought our daughter-in-law candlesticks and a diamond engagement ring.
We are OOT Yeshivish.
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HonesttoGod
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Wed, Feb 24 2016, 11:26 am
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American/European my parents did 50/50 for all weddings.
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watergirl
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Wed, Feb 24 2016, 11:29 am
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I think that these "rules" mainly apply "in town", whatever that means. We see lots of "oot" people behaving like menches, no crazy gifts and no rules on who pays what. These rules are not normal. Someone upthread said she hates the system - then back out of it! Its not torah. Its not yoddishkeit. Its narishkeit.
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anya1
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Wed, Feb 24 2016, 11:31 am
| watergirl wrote: | | I think that these "rules" mainly apply "in town", whatever that means. We see lots of "oot" people behaving like menches, no crazy gifts and no rules on who pays what. These rules are not normal. Someone upthread said she hates the system - then back out of it! Its not torah. Its not yoddishkeit. Its narishkeit. |
"Out of town" means outside NY right? Took me a while to figure that out many years ago...
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watergirl
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Wed, Feb 24 2016, 11:48 am
| anya1 wrote: | | "Out of town" means outside NY right? Took me a while to figure that out many years ago... |
Apparently. Love it.
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cnc
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Wed, Feb 24 2016, 12:53 pm
| anya1 wrote: | Thanks.
What type of community are you part of? You're in America? |
I'm in America. I would identify myself as heimish. My aunts who are Litvish/yeshivish and did FLOP years ago when they married off their oldest children are currently doing 50/50
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Kugglegirl
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Wed, Feb 24 2016, 5:59 pm
| anya1 wrote: | | Thanks for the info. Wish the prices today were the same as 17 years ago! We married off a child 4 years ago and the prices are much higher today |
Anya- These were weddings where I made specific decisions to be modest & not do things the overblowen way they are commonly done.
With both weddings, there were people who were upset with who I invited or did not invite to some or all of the festivities.
There were others who appreciated seeing a different way to do things.
My husband & I have chosen with many of our family simchas to make choices that keep costs down, and diverge from the norm. I feel it is important for people to see that you could make a bris in your home, or use flowers from a produce market instead of from a florist for your center pieces at an event.
The main question of keeping costs down is often weather someone has the time to carry out some of the tasks, and if they are creative enough to think of such things.
I have seen the argument that guests expect some specific experience of food and entertainment and that their gifts are commensurate with the costs they believe are being expended. While this may be true of the guests who have deep pockets, I think one knows one's true friends (or can ask those one is truly close to if need be) & one must also consider the many young guests of the chossen-kalla who are not making these calculations.
I do think it is important to have a good quantity of food, so that guests feel that they can eat and be satisfied, and feel that there is a general atmosphere of ease. My preference is to serve buffet style, since this lets guests pick what they want to eat, and reduces waste at the table. By conserving money in other areas, it is possible to focus more of the resources on the food. For instance, the money we saved on floral arrangements more than covered the cost of the chocolate fountain at my DD's bat mitsvah. (the dry cleaning bills, maybe not so much, but I wash everything at home any how...)
When it comes to weddings, I hope we will be able to avoid marrying in with the kind of people who insist on a "standard" kind of wedding just for the sake of appearances.
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chocolatecake
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Wed, Feb 24 2016, 7:54 pm
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I am yeshivish. For my wedding and same goes for my three marrield sibilings and my husbands four married sibilings the boys parents paid for FLOP no s (shaitel) and girls side paid everything else
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amother
Blue
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Wed, Feb 24 2016, 8:11 pm
North America. We're doing it 50/50.
Truth is we've spent a lot more since we bought a bracelet, ring, flowers etc.
We're splitting support also 50/50.
Honestly at this point it doesn't matter... it's all coming off our line of credit.
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amother
Olive
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Wed, Feb 24 2016, 8:11 pm
| anya1 wrote: |  Yikes. Not into that at all. Too many rules, regulations and expectations. It's also such a large expenditure. There's no end to this stuff. Where do people come up with thek money when they have so many other children to marry off. |
I may get attacked for saying this but here goes. In the chassidish circles the couple meets two three times then dont see or speak for eight months or so till wedding. There is no relationship yet. Part of the reason for all the gifts is to pysche the couple up and make the engagement exciting. In litvish circles th couple went out ten times there is a relationship. They dont need the extra gifts to keep the engagement exciting. They are spending time as a couple and that is keeping the engagement alive and excitement mounting for the wedding.
As far as where does the money from, thats a great question. There is lots of tzedaka money going around for hachnosas kallah. A LOT. It became norm in tri state for example that kalla needs brand new furniture. There are organizations that help supply needy kallahs with this. These kallahs are not from destitute families where parents dont have money to put bread on table. Many come from middle class families where parents are making if day to day sending kids to summer camp etc but just dont have the extra 20-30k to marry off their daughter with all the frills expected today.
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