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How do I deal w/ my moody 8 year old daughter!



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pink_nails




 
 
    
 

Post Thu, Feb 25 2016, 10:56 am
How do I deal with a moody 8 year old that's either in a good mood, helpful, obedient and just acting normally or she's sulky, complaining, nothing is good enough for her, chutzpadig, doesn't listen- I say yes she says no I say black she says white! It's like bellow her dignity sometimes to listen to me when she's in one of those moods -u can talk to a wall!
My other kids don't do this, I think she just has a hard time listening to authority (or is it just me)- in school she's an A+ student and very well behaved in class.
Any suggestions how to deal w/ her?
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STMommy




 
 
    
 

Post Thu, Feb 25 2016, 1:30 pm
I'll be interested in the replies because I have the exact same situation.
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Chayalle




 
 
    
 

Post Thu, Feb 25 2016, 1:38 pm
She might be the need-control-power type of personality. Years ago when I was having a hard time with my DD - she's 7 1/2 now and this was when she was two and totally unlike my other kids at that age - a friend of mine explained to me something she learned in Dina Friedman's course - that there are type 1 kids that seek attention, and type 2 kids that seek control. My other kids are likely type 1 - you give them enough attention and they are good. But this child needed a sense of control and power, so showering her with love and attention was not enough.

I learned to give her alot of choices, and to speak to her that way. I ask her if she'd like to put on pajamas first or brush her teeth first, instead of telling her it's time for pj's and toothbrushing. I ask her if she'd like to do h.w. right away or after a little chill time. I ask her if she'd like to help me out with this or with that. Basically I give her alot of choice rather than give her direct commands.

She's also the type of kid that doesn't switch gears as easily as others. Think of this as the shift on your car - some cars have a tighter shift than others. She gets more focused on what she's doing and it's harder for her to stop and do something else. Sometimes she will ignore me because she's not willing to shift gears. I try to give her advance notice (we'll be going out in 10 minutes so I'll remind you soon when it's time to put your book away and put on your coat) so that she doesn't have to deal with the immediate start/stop, though I do wish she'd be more flexible (and we talk alot about that too...)

My DD is also super bright, and I wonder if it's alot of these kids who are like this. Does it come lumped together? Who knows. I'm grateful that she, too, behaves in school (maybe it's easier to follow instructions when part of a group, than when it's just you at home?) because boy, it would be alot harder if she wouldn't!
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pink_nails




 
 
    
 

Post Thu, Feb 25 2016, 1:50 pm
Thanks Chayalle that really does make sense. DH just pointed out that my son right under her is growing up and she can't boss him around the way she used to since he's a bit mature now... and that may be one of the things that bother her.
And it's true that in school most kids are better behaved then at home simply because they are in a group and everyone expected to do the same thing.
I will try to shift gears...
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LisaS




 
 
    
 

Post Thu, Feb 25 2016, 1:56 pm
Encourage her to tell you the things that are bothering her. Listen, listen, listen even if you don't agree and validate her feelings. But draw the line at chutzpah. Help her understand that you want to hear everything she has to say as long as it is spoken respectfully. Take her concerns seriously, for example if she feels that X isn't fair and Y isn't the way she thinks it should be.
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amother
Aubergine


 

Post Thu, Feb 25 2016, 3:03 pm
See if you can get her to talk about her negative behavior after she cools down. You may be surprised that she can't admit to her anger/chutzpa, or might even have trouble remembering it. If this is the case, she may need help learning to normalize [and manage] negative emotions. Many times, when a child only has two modes [very very good or very very terrible], it is because they have too much shame/lack of knowledge about emotions. It is important for children to know "everyone gets angry, even Mommy. When Mommy is angry, I feel like xyz and do xyz [appropriate things to cool off]. Children need to learn that just because I am angry does not mean I have to hit/hurt/scream...
It is also helpful to draw pictures of emotions.
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amother
Mistyrose


 

Post Thu, Feb 25 2016, 3:33 pm
amother wrote:
See if you can get her to talk about her negative behavior after she cools down. You may be surprised that she can't admit to her anger/chutzpa, or might even have trouble remembering it. If this is the case, she may need help learning to normalize [and manage] negative emotions. Many times, when a child only has two modes [very very good or very very terrible], it is because they have too much shame/lack of knowledge about emotions. It is important for children to know "everyone gets angry, even Mommy. When Mommy is angry, I feel like xyz and do xyz [appropriate things to cool off]. Children need to learn that just because I am angry does not mean I have to hit/hurt/scream...
It is also helpful to draw pictures of emotions.


Thanks for explaining this. My dd is the same way. I know when she gets in these moods, it's time for the 'super hug'. It calms her down, but she can never explain to me what triggered it.
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pink_nails




 
 
    
 

Post Thu, Feb 25 2016, 4:10 pm
Hmm amother has a good point there too- it's true that a lot of times she gets angry or she told me the other day she cried in the shower and I asked her why she couldn't really give me an answer... so my next question is how do I teach her how to validate her feelings? To be able to explain herself to me when s/t bothers her??
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amother
Cerise


 

Post Thu, Feb 25 2016, 4:15 pm
How long has this moodiness been going on? Does it affect her socially? I ask because I have experience with my daughter and the advice is different than previous posters depending how chronic the moodiness is.
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pink_nails




 
 
    
 

Post Thu, Feb 25 2016, 4:24 pm
it's going on since she "became big"- about a year/year and a half ago. I don't think it affects her socially, her teachers say shes a leader in the class and I don't really see it when she has friends over... but I'm not saying sometimes it could happen- either when she's shy or when w/ friends she was hurt for some reason or other she will retreat into herself and whatever u ask her she'l just shrug her shoulders - as if too answer I'm not interested or I don't care... but that doesn't happen to often. I do see though that she does have a hard time explaining herself, if someone hurt (obviously not physically) she has a hard time explaining to me what happened or why it happened or how hurt she felt...
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FranticFrummie




 
 
    
 

Post Thu, Feb 25 2016, 4:30 pm
My 12 yo is exactly the same way, and it started when she was around 9. Don't you just love the Terrible Tweens?

I try to balance validating her feelings with having her speak in a respectful (or at least less whiny) way. I set out basic boundaries, but give her a ton of freedom within the framework. She's definitely a control freak, so I let her do her thing - and always make sure that she knows I'm right here the second she needs me.

Right now, I am a food and clean laundry dispenser. Other than that, she doesn't seem to need me for much! LOL
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Chayalle




 
 
    
 

Post Fri, Feb 26 2016, 11:23 am
pink_nails wrote:
Hmm amother has a good point there too- it's true that a lot of times she gets angry or she told me the other day she cried in the shower and I asked her why she couldn't really give me an answer... so my next question is how do I teach her how to validate her feelings? To be able to explain herself to me when s/t bothers her??


What is your response to her when she tells you that she cried in the shower? Do you immediately ask her why? Or do you first say something soothing and validating, like, "oh, honey, sounds like you were feeling sad" or "sounds like something is going on with you that's making you feel sad".

Sometimes kids need us to help them name their feelings. Sad, angry, frustrated, etc...(like those emoji thingies...) It's validating to kids to label those confusing emotions they are experiencing. This can help her to explore her feelings and try to determine where they are coming from, and how she can work at controlling them.
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