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I love my daughters in law... but!
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dizzy




 
 
    
 

Post Sun, Mar 06 2016, 6:09 pm
But! I wish they knew the basic etiquette when visiting their m-i-l!

I have two very special daughters in law and I really love them. They are both from out of town so they move in to my home frequently for Shabbos (usually together). I have a houseful of children ba"h, and it's always hectic around. The house is usually clean when they arrive on Friday afternoon and I feel kind of exhausted and I so look forward to my long awaited SHabbos rest and of course the pleasure of spending time with my dils and 3 adorable grandchildren.
Problem is, my dils take very much advantage of their five star hotel stay. Now don't get me wrong, I am here to serve them and give them the best stay and vacation ever but they don't even know the VERY BASIC etiquette. At the Shabbos table they sit in their seats the entire time and don't lift a finger. I don't expect them to help me in the kitchen or to set the table, or to sweep the floors, or anything major, but just simply to help with one little thing like take in the dips or clear off two things from the table after the meal, or pack away the toys after their kids (no, they don't even do that!)
My daughter is a huge help (she's 21 and single) and she is usually picking up all the kids toys and cleaning after them. I feel bad that she has to work so hard.

Am I being wrong for being upset?
Is there anything I can do to change this? And if yes, how can I do this without hurting my dil?

Please help!
TIA
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BrachaBatya




 
 
    
 

Post Sun, Mar 06 2016, 6:13 pm
They sound spoiled and horrible! I wouldn't dream of being someone's guest and not lifting a finger!!!!! OY!
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BrachaBatya




 
 
    
 

Post Sun, Mar 06 2016, 6:15 pm
I would totally say something, even if in a half joking way, "Tamar, Avigyle, I know you must feel like you're on a wonderful vacation but please, wouldn't you lend a few hands? Don't make the old lady here do it all by herself!" Make it like a joke but get the message across. Also, I think the SONS should be helping, not just the women. Everyone should help!!!
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be good




 
 
    
 

Post Sun, Mar 06 2016, 6:25 pm
I wouldn't bring it up to them, even joking. people get veeery sensitive about their MILs. I would, however tell you sons that you love having them for shabbos, but when they come there is a lot to do and you will need them to help clear the table and do a basic clean up after their kids, or whatever you need from them.
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amother
Periwinkle


 

Post Sun, Mar 06 2016, 6:33 pm
Why don't u expect them to set table or sweep floor?
You are spoiling them. Just ask.
Please Hencha, can u sweep the floor. It's full of crumbs. Or, Alta, please set the table while I'm finishing making salads before the men come home.
That's very reasonable. Don't u think?
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Fox




 
 
    
 

Post Sun, Mar 06 2016, 6:35 pm
Who knows why they don't help. Don't jump to conclusions about their middos -- just matter-of-fact ly ask them to pitch in:

"Persephone, could you please clear the dips and salad plates. Clio, could you please help me serve the soup in the kitchen?"

No drama -- just ask them nicely and specifically for what you want.
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dizzy




 
 
    
 

Post Sun, Mar 06 2016, 6:43 pm
Thanks for all your responses! I'm having a good laugh reading the names! Though one of the names is on target. Lol.
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amother
Magenta


 

Post Sun, Mar 06 2016, 6:56 pm
I hope this post is not about me! We love going to my MIL for shabbos. We go often . I feel very welcomed and she makes an effort to make our favorite foods and keep things comfortable. We feel very loved there

The reason I don't chip in much there is because she seems to have a very specific way that she likes things and when I do get up to help she tells me to sit down. At some point I just gave up even though I feel ungrateful and silly to be sitting while she works so hard. I would so appreciate if she would tell me what to do to help. I would do it in a half a second. I would feel evem better about our stay knowing I chipped in to help the house run smoothly !
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amother
Saddlebrown


 

Post Sun, Mar 06 2016, 7:14 pm
amother wrote:
I hope this post is not about me! We love going to my MIL for shabbos. We go often . I feel very welcomed and she makes an effort to make our favorite foods and keep things comfortable. We feel very loved there

The reason I don't chip in much there is because she seems to have a very specific way that she likes things and when I do get up to help she tells me to sit down. At some point I just gave up even though I feel ungrateful and silly to be sitting while she works so hard. I would so appreciate if she would tell me what to do to help. I would do it in a half a second. I would feel evem better about our stay knowing I chipped in to help the house run smoothly !



I feel the same when going to mil for shabbos. She's a perfectionist and I'm always scared I won't do something right.,but I do help clear off the table.
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dizzy




 
 
    
 

Post Sun, Mar 06 2016, 7:18 pm
My daughter sometimes hints to them to give a hand, so that's the only time they help. At these occasions I never tell them to sit back down. I don't think they don't help because they feel uncomfortable or think I have "my ways" of doing things. I'm a very easygoing and accepting person and I think the atmosphere in my home is very comfortable.
My assumption is: dil #1 is the youngest child and probably never helped in her own home and when dil#2 joined our family and saw dil #1 sitting around, she thought it was okay...
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justforfun87




 
 
    
 

Post Sun, Mar 06 2016, 7:22 pm
You are not wrong at all, total lack of middos. I will play devils advocate though and just say that don't give the impression that everything is just fine. Don't shoo them away if they come to help. My mother in law use to do this but then got resentful that she was washing dishes alone.
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amother
Lavender


 

Post Sun, Mar 06 2016, 7:54 pm
dizzy wrote:
Thanks for all your responses! I'm having a good laugh reading the names! Though one of the names is on target. Lol.

I'm assuming Persephone.
In all seriousness though, I felt like a horrible daughter-in-law when we used to go to my in-laws for Shabbos. I got pregnant quickly, B"H, and was so sick and exhausted and physically couldn't help much. And then after I had the baby, my hands were always full. I wasn't able to actually start helping until my baby could go down. I am so fortunate my mother-in-law never said anything to me.
I don't think there is anything wrong with asking for help, just do it carefully.
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amother
Magenta


 

Post Sun, Mar 06 2016, 8:29 pm
dizzy wrote:
My daughter sometimes hints to them to give a hand, so that's the only time they help. At these occasions I never tell them to sit back down. I don't think they don't help because they feel uncomfortable or think I have "my ways" of doing things. I'm a very easygoing and accepting person and I think the atmosphere in my home is very comfortable.
My assumption is: dil #1 is the youngest child and probably never helped in her own home and when dil#2 joined our family and saw dil #1 sitting around, she thought it was okay...

If you have a very easygoing and accepting atmosphere your DILs may think you like things just as they are! They may not realize you want change. If you say 'Esti, please help me bring the soup in', odds are they'll be so happy to help.
Kudos for having a relaxing atmosphere. No doubt they really appreciate and appreciate you and they will enjoy contributing.
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groisamomma




 
 
    
 

Post Sun, Mar 06 2016, 8:36 pm
Or maybe do it my mil's way, with 2 daughters and 3 DILs at the table: "X will do fish, Y will do soup, Z will do chicken, and A and B will clean up. Wonderful!" No one bats an eyelash and every one of us chips in equally.

There's nothing wrong with being direct as long as there are no feelings involved. Nothing personal, just state what you need help with.
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amother
Pink


 

Post Sun, Mar 06 2016, 8:57 pm
I also don't help much by mil although I try to bring stuff in or help with a salad. etc.
Truth is I am geshikt in the kitchen but hate hate hate hate cleaning. When I get there she has already cooked and there isn't much to make.
Regarding helping to clean I personally don't do much. Dh does tons. He does more than he has to and I feel it covers for both of us. (He also does all he cleaning/laundry at home so it's not like I only don't clean/help when I go to her)
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gold21




 
 
    
 

Post Sun, Mar 06 2016, 9:06 pm
why your daughters in law?
what about your sons?
is serving food and cleaning up toys reserved for females?


Last edited by gold21 on Sun, Mar 06 2016, 9:07 pm; edited 1 time in total
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amother
Pumpkin


 

Post Sun, Mar 06 2016, 9:06 pm
I would expect my sons to help too....certainly no less than dils..
That said, I would just use the casual approach metioned earlier - pls Sara can you come for a sec and help me serve the soup? Etc. No drama.
At my mil's I only help set and clear (as does most everyone, male and female. Ok the women set because the men are at shul, but all clear and wash up). I dont clean and I certainly dont cook, since she is SuperBalabuste and doesnt trust me in those areas.
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amother
Rose


 

Post Sun, Mar 06 2016, 9:22 pm
I would NEVER say anything to the DILs. You should ask your sons to help if you want more help.

No matter how close you are, your DILs are not your daughters. They're just not. If they can't figure out that you would like your help, deal with it, but don't make a big deal of it.
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amother
Pumpkin


 

Post Sun, Mar 06 2016, 9:35 pm
amother wrote:
I would NEVER say anything to the DILs. You should ask your sons to help if you want more help.

No matter how close you are, your DILs are not your daughters. They're just not. If they can't figure out that you would like your help, deal with it, but don't make a big deal of it.


I agree. Ask your sons if you need help.
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Sadie




 
 
    
 

Post Sun, Mar 06 2016, 11:20 pm
Another vote for ask your sons.
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