I love my daughters in law... but!

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dancingqueen

Mon, Mar 07 2016, 3:23 pm

I'm also a dil with young kids and a nursing baby, so I understand it's hard to help and it can be hard to go away. I don't understand not helping one iota. It's just basic manners to pitch in. Btw I don't have 7 kids under 10 (wow) but understand that it must be overwhelming for your inlaws to host all of u just like it is to come.

amother

Slategray

Mon, Mar 07 2016, 3:51 pm

What I have found is that somehow men who actually do help out a lot at home revert back to their childhood selves when they go to their parents and just hang out pretending that they're 16 again.

So actually my question to OP is twofold: did your sons help you before they got married and why don't they help you now after they're married?

groisamomma

Mon, Mar 07 2016, 7:21 pm

Chayalle wrote:

Do you want your DIL to help you clear the table if her baby is crying and needs to be fed? Is that snarky? Can the table wait? In her home, she likely feeds the baby and leaves the clearing for a bit later.

Um, yes. She feeds the baby while her dh helps. Where do all of the husbands disappear to when the meal is over?

amother

Pink

Mon, Mar 07 2016, 7:51 pm

[quote="chani8"]I've never been to a charedi home where the man got up to help. Are you charedi?
Come to my home then. Dh always clears table and cleans up kitchen and dining room after a meal. And guess what? Growing up my father did it as well.
Men are allowed to help. As I mentioned earlier on when I go to my in laws dh does way way way more helping than me and most ppl there put together. We all have different strengths I personally find cleaning really hard but will try to help a bit if kids are calm. At home I do all cooking and dh all cleaning.

amother

Purple

Mon, Mar 07 2016, 8:48 pm

For me going to my MIL, is more work than being at my house bec. for me the easier part is to cook and serve while the more annoying part is to have to stop tending to my children's needs to help clean up... at my MIL!! I feel funny going to my MIL and not helping bc I know maybe deep down shes resentful just like this OP!! But, going to my MIL is more work for me when really at my house if I m tending to the kids, the clean up.. will wait in addition to the fact that there are more games.. to "entertain" my kids in my house...

The only reason I would go to my MIL therefore, is to give her a chance to see her grandchildren but I def. do not want to go as it is easier for me at this point in my life to stay home.
However, I def. understand how any MIL would feel if DILs don't help--I understand that they may feel resentful bec. the truth is there is always so much to do such that any one person may feel overwhelmed. At the same time, some DILs are so busy with their kids or maybe are coming for their DHs.....or... such that they don't help. There are two opposing viewpoints but I def. don't see why the MILs cant ask their own sons to help instead of always assuming the WOMEN MUST DO ALL THE WORK/HELPING!! Why can't sons help especially when the women are the ones are dealing with pregnancy or nursing or.....

mummiedearest

Mon, Mar 07 2016, 8:51 pm

amother wrote:

amother, the proper thing for you to do in this case is to say to your dh, "honey, would you please help your mom clear the table? I really would like to, but I'm trying to get the toys off the floor, I don't want anyone tripping." make sure your mil hears. she'll know you want to help.

tymama

Mon, Mar 07 2016, 8:58 pm

chani8 wrote:

I've never been to a charedi home where the man got up to help. Are you charedi?

Huh? I'm charedi and my dh clears off after every meal no matter where we are for shabbos, at home or a a guest. My father does the same. As do my brothers.

groisamomma

Mon, Mar 07 2016, 10:07 pm

tymama wrote:

Huh? I'm charedi and my dh clears off after every meal no matter where we are for shabbos, at home or a a guest. My father does the same. As do my brothers.

Interesting, so does mine. During the week if I actually clear the table I get major brownie points.

Chani8, you're visiting the wrong chareidim Very Happy

amother

Lawngreen

Mon, Mar 07 2016, 11:02 pm

Charedi too, and my husband cooks, cleans, shops, cares for children, whatever is necessary. I have uber charedi Israeli relatives whose husbands are extremely helpful and completely responsible for the home and children. If a boy is raised to help he will help.

dizzy

Mon, Mar 07 2016, 11:37 pm

op here.
Last time I visited imamother this post was only one page so wow! I had a lot to catch up... Thanks to all dil and mil for your responses and maybe had I posted earlier I would have saved you some time and energy Smile

...

Yes, my sons help. (and I'm chareidi) Clearing off the table is mostly done by the men, which include my sons and dh.

I very much understand dil p-o-v since it's not that long ago that I myself visited my mil, and yes, I know that times have changed, but I too had to run after my children and children don't change, but if it did ever happen that I COULDNT help in any way I would at least make sure to clear down one bottle from the table, just to show that I care and tried. Or I would tell my husband to watch the baby for five minutes so that I can remove the table cloths and push in the chairs. It really doesnt take much to do one small thing to show you tried.

Also, if your mil is particular, why don't you ask her, "Where do you want me to place the dirty dishes?" "Who would you like to serve next?" etc. or simply do something that you're certain about, like put the seltzer into the fridge (see? all the drinks are on the top shelf so the seltzer probably belongs there too...) btw, I'm not particular with where you place the seltzer.

and dear dil, I do want you to visit. and I do enjoy you very much, and no I don't want you to feel pressured in any way, I want you to feel as comfortable and happy as possible, but all I ask of you is a little courtesy and consideration.

conclusion for myself: I will ask my dil for help in a very nonchalant manner, like "Oh, we need one more extra hand here in the kitchen, Shifra, can you please take this in to so and so." It won't be easy for me, since I've never done that, but I will pat myself on the back for doing it.

amother

Chartreuse

Mon, Mar 07 2016, 11:51 pm

I want to chime in to point out what everyone else seems to have skipped over.

your single daughter is doing all the work of cleaning up and serving.

THAT should be what you should be most worried about.

this is like an instant recipe for burn out and anger for your single dd.

your first step should be telling your single dd to stop doing the work. when your dils see that things are not moving by themselves they will begin to pitch in.

dizzy

Mon, Mar 07 2016, 11:59 pm

amother wrote:

Good point!

amother

Blush

Tue, Mar 08 2016, 12:35 am

For everyone who says it's easier to be home because your kids have their stuff and you can clean at your own pace - are you inviting your in-laws for shabbos? No? Because it's work to make extra beds and cook for other people?

It's true that some young families don't have room for guests. If you live in an area where going to parents for shabbos is standard, though, you'll probably be able to borrow an empty apartment.

Either visit graciously or host graciously. And the grandparents need to do their part by visiting rather than insisting that everyone come to them.

shevi82

Tue, Mar 08 2016, 4:19 am

chani8 wrote:

I've never been to a charedi home where the man got up to help. Are you charedi?

Huh?! Are you serious?

Jewishmom8

Tue, Mar 08 2016, 4:24 am

chani8 wrote:

I've never been to a charedi home where the man got up to help. Are you charedi?

My husband always gets up to help as do my boys....

shevi82

Tue, Mar 08 2016, 4:30 am

This has nothing to do with Charedi or other. It has to do with spoiled or not. Everyone should be helping, men, women, children, cats and dogs. And we are charedi so we don’t have any.

amother

Blue

Tue, Mar 08 2016, 5:27 am

So how do you raise boys that help (especially if your dh doesnt)?

5mom

Tue, Mar 08 2016, 5:31 am

amother wrote:

So how do you raise boys that help (especially if your dh doesnt)?

You say, Galahad, can you please clear the salad plates, and Gawain, will you please bring in the soup. Etc. Rinse and repeat. It's harder without a good role model, but not impossible.

shevi82

Tue, Mar 08 2016, 6:05 am

You can give them specific jobs. Like:” Yossi you set the table on Erev shabbos”. As long as they get into the helping mode it will be normal to them.
Maybe that can help with your dh as well, tell him you need something specific done, like if he could please clear the table after the seuda and sweep the floor, or maybe he can wash the dishes Friday night. Don't ask him when you need it done, discuss it beforehand.

chani8

Tue, Mar 08 2016, 6:07 am

shevi82 wrote:

This has nothing to do with Charedi or other. It has to do with spoiled or not. Everyone should be helping, men, women, children, cats and dogs. And we are charedi so we don’t have any.

No cats and dogs because you are charedi? lol!

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