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Forum -> Parenting our children -> School age children
12yo DD becoming very antisocial
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FranticFrummie




 
 
    
 

Post Mon, Mar 07 2016, 6:15 am
DD started out the school year nervous, but otherwise doing really well. She quickly made two friends who spoke enough English for her to bond with them.

In the past couple of weeks though, she is starting to push everyone away. She's getting in trouble in class, swearing, and being very rebellious with the morah. The school is trying to get DD out of her shell by involving her in more activities and "friendship exercises", but the harder they try, the harder she pushes back. She wants nothing to do with what she calls "those humans". Confused

I've tried explaining to her that she's only making things harder on herself, but she says "It's my life, and I don't need anyone. You're just afraid of what the teachers will say about you as a parent. You don't care if I'm really happy or not. I'm happy being by myself."

So, is this a hormonal thing, depression, anxiety, impending sociopathic tendencies? Maybe it's just normal for her age. What

I don't really recall going through this phase, but at the same time, I was a loner, an odd kid, and nobody noticed if I had friends or not. There was no pressure to conform like there is at DD's school.

The school also expects her to be sunny and cheerful all day long, and instead she's a surly, snarling little beast. She only perks up when she can come home and Skype with her "real friends" online. I have a feeling that if I took her computer away, she'd just bury her nose in a book. She has no interest in local kids, whatsoever.

If she's happy being a loner I can accept that, but I can't accept her behavior at school. Besides, the school won't be happy unless she is social and outgoing, and they'll keep pushing her no matter what I say.

How do I navigate this? Help
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sequoia




 
 
    
 

Post Mon, Mar 07 2016, 7:01 am
I guess empathize that adjusting to a new country/culture is hard.

What sort of school is it?
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Chayalle




 
 
    
 

Post Mon, Mar 07 2016, 7:04 am
Give her space. She needs time to leave the old behind and adjust to the new. She doesn't have to do it on everyone else's timetable.
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grace413




 
 
    
 

Post Mon, Mar 07 2016, 7:09 am
Welcome to life with a teenager. And a teenager who has just moved halfway across the world.

As you've seen, conformity and fitting in is highly emphasized here in school and I think your DD resents that (just means she's smart and perceptive).

Yes, you need to explain to her that she needs to behave respectfully to teachers. If she can't be cheerful she has to at least be neutral. I wouldn't like being expected to be cheerful either. Then give her some space. She doesn't have to be friends with anybody if she doesn't want to.

Hatzlacha.
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studying_torah




 
 
    
 

Post Mon, Mar 07 2016, 9:46 am
That's really hard, because the school wants her to be happy and sociable, which I don't think is very fair.
I think she's probably very homesick and going thru a hard time.
Maybe the school can back off her a bit. Kind of like reverse psychology. perhaps there is a big sister program in the school or neighborhood? An older girl who can spend time with her just chilling, shopping, beach whatever.
Good luck!
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Ms.MaryMack(inblack)




 
 
    
 

Post Mon, Mar 07 2016, 9:58 am
I second trying to get an older "cool" kid who can be her "big" sister. She needs to have someone local who she can feel relaxed around.
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amother
Cobalt


 

Post Mon, Mar 07 2016, 10:06 am
I made aliya at 14 and went thru a similar stage. Initially I was doing great, had friends.... But after 2 years I began to raize how different I was from the Isreali's who I was friends with and started acting out.

As a teen I would never be interested in people bugging me when stuff was going on, I wanted to deal with it my way....

Can you make a deal with her?
You'll get the school to back off on the friendship stuff in exchange for decent behavior- no swearing or answering back + something she really wants at the end of the year. Maybe a trip to visit her skype friends. Whatever does it for her. Maybe let the school agree to let her bring a book for when she is bored, as long as she's not disruptive.

It's crucial that the school give her the space to find herself. Tell them that you'll deal with her social life and acclimation, and ask that the leave her alone as long as she's not disruptive.

Maybe get a cool bat sherut or even better a 20 something who has also made aliya as a teen to "help with her hebrew school work" who is cool enough and fun enough that your daughter would be interested to talk to her....

Good Luck!!!!
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FranticFrummie




 
 
    
 

Post Mon, Mar 07 2016, 10:08 am
Sorry about the double post. My internet connection hates me today. I'm going to flag this to a mod to combine the threads. [done. - merelyme, as mod]

I just got off the phone with DD's morah. The morah is great for complaining about things, but she never has any suggestions on how to make anything better. All I could do was tell her that I'd talk to DD about it.

Have I mentioned lately how much I HATE getting calls from school? Mad You'd think that an experienced teacher of 11 and 12 year olds would have a little more insight into what motivates these girls.

If DD were a cartoon character, she'd be Daria or Emily Strange. If she were going to school in the 80's, she'd totally be a goth chick. She despises all things Disney Princess, and is much more of a Hunger Games type. Personally, I love that she's a kick butt, tough little cookie, but apparently that's "not nice".

The heck with that. She's going to be an amazing adult, and nobody's damsel in distress.
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amother
Cobalt


 

Post Mon, Mar 07 2016, 10:10 am
Oh and if you do decide to get her a mentor

BE SUBTLE
Start it as tutoring. Or ask her to help out at a cool young couples house (she's doing the chessed) for money. Teens HATE feeling like a basket case who needs "help".


BTW I know love Israel, and my Israeli friends and religion even though I went thru that tough stage.
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imasinger




 
 
    
 

Post Mon, Mar 07 2016, 10:14 am
I think it's time for our girls to connect online. PM me if you agree.

And it sounds to me like this school is just really, really the wrong place for her.
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amother
Dodgerblue


 

Post Mon, Mar 07 2016, 10:19 am
I'm the amother in the other thread who made aliya at 14

Could this just be a case of a BAD shidduch between teacher and DD?
When first made aliya I had that for on the first 2 months and my parents had me switch classes. Which made the whole difference.

These sickly sweet fake nice caring teachers just grated on my personality as a teen. I wanted to punch her when on the she asked me ever so softly "how are" and "you must really miss america" GO TO H***!!!!!

Maybe she can switch classes?
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sequoia




 
 
    
 

Post Mon, Mar 07 2016, 10:27 am
It's the school's business to educate her, not to turn her into a certain personality type, which is at any rate impossible.

What are you going to do?
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FranticFrummie




 
 
    
 

Post Mon, Mar 07 2016, 11:50 am
amother wrote:
I'm the amother in the other thread who made aliya at 14

Could this just be a case of a BAD shidduch between teacher and DD?
When first made aliya I had that for on the first 2 months and my parents had me switch classes. Which made the whole difference.

These sickly sweet fake nice caring teachers just grated on my personality as a teen. I wanted to punch her when on the she asked me ever so softly "how are" and "you must really miss america" GO TO H***!!!!!

Maybe she can switch classes?


Oh my gosh, this made me LOL so hard! You really do get it. LOL

DD says that this teacher switches from fake sweet to screaming at the kids at the drop of a hat. She says that at least one girl is in tears from this teacher every single day. I've had this teacher yell at me, so I totally believe her. I've also been on the end of her fake sweetness, and it really does make me want to punch her. Next time she talks down to me or yells at me, I'm going to tell her "Ani lo yaldah!"

Here's the problem. We're in a very small town. There's only one Dati/Torani school, and there's only one class per grade, so no where to switch her to. She's also been bounced around several schools her whole life, and if I take her out now, she's either going to feel like a failure, think she can whine her way out of class, or both.

I NEED her to stick out the end of the year, for her own self esteem. Last year I took her out of school in the middle of 6th grade and home schooled her. This year she's repeating 6th grade. I simply can't take her out halfway through again. DD knows this, and she understands my reasoning.

B'H, we found a great school for her in Ma'alot next year, and she's really looking forward to it. It's much bigger, there's more support, and there's tons of new olim, as well as other girls who speak English. She'll have lots more to do, and more friends to choose from. The school assigns all new girls an older student who will stay with her all through the first year, acting as a guide, buddy, tutor, and role model.

I feel much better now, knowing that you all think that her reaction is normal, and that you understand where she's coming from. She's my only, and I don't have any other kids to compare her to. It's nice to have a reality check every now and then. Thanks!
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imasinger




 
 
    
 

Post Mon, Mar 07 2016, 12:11 pm
It's March.

Make her a countdown calendar. And I still say, offer something good for any improvement in effort.
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bluebird




 
 
    
 

Post Mon, Mar 07 2016, 1:41 pm
Are there any clubs/programs/activities in your area that she could try out? An environment where she's able to be social with other kids without the pressure of the school environment might be good for her. I had a bad time in school at that age and was bullied. Having friends that I could hang out with outside of school helped a lot.
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mummiedearest




 
 
    
 

Post Mon, Mar 07 2016, 5:49 pm
I think she doesn't need the pressure of new friends right now. let her ignore the teacher's social plans for her. as long as she behaves in a respectful manner and tries to function academically, social activity doesn't matter unless she thinks so. you have good plans for her for next year, she is in touch with tried and true friends, and she'll be ok. tell the teacher that you are only open to phone calls regarding legitimate concerns, and this isn't.
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Coffee Addict




 
 
    
 

Post Mon, Mar 07 2016, 7:01 pm
FF, first of all, I love your posts!! You seem to be a very smart, extremely sensitive, fun loving women!!

My almost 12 year old daughter is also going through a change in behavior at school, at home a while already. This is without the change of moving to another country. She's very chutzpah'dig lately. I feel sometimes that I don't handle her right. I think she's going through hormone body change. Teenagers are a different kind of society! Not easy, but BH.

We're actually thinking seriously of moving in a year or 2, not a different country though, still I'm very nervous and skeptical how this will effect her, and how it will work out.

Sorry for rambling here..... No advice, just sympathy and hugs!

Take it easy. Sounds like your handling the situation just fine! Ur an amazing person!

Hug Hug
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studying_torah




 
 
    
 

Post Mon, Mar 07 2016, 7:52 pm
Yes my ultra sweet 12 year old has taken to teasing me or making snide comments too lately. Don't help that she's almost taller than me.....
Also, I recall from ur other comments that your husband is away, maybe that's bothering her too.
Either way, she's normal and the teacher needs to back off.
Hugs! You can iyh get thru this year. This too shall pass
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Coffee Addict




 
 
    
 

Post Mon, Mar 07 2016, 8:39 pm
studying_torah wrote:
Yes my ultra sweet 12 year old has taken to teasing me or making snide comments too lately. Don't help that she's almost taller than me.....
Also, I recall from ur other comments that your husband is away, maybe that's bothering her too.
Either way, she's normal and the teacher needs to back off.
Hugs! You can iyh get thru this year. This too shall pass


Lol! My daughter is almost my height, has a bigger shoe size, and matured physically much quicker than Me. Smile
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amother
Cobalt


 

Post Tue, Mar 08 2016, 12:00 am
Ok if the situation is just that you need her to stick it out to the end of the year then hear is my suggestion.

Be open and honest with DD - tell her you understand where she is coming from but that you need her to toe the line so she doesn't ruin her reputation for the new school. Try to get the teacher to back off as long as she doesn't make trouble. Than offer something that she really really wants; I-phone, trip to the states, camp.....if she makes it to the end of the year without major school isssues ( suspension once a month is fine, she just cant be expelled)
It has to be something worth it. Even if its out of the budget.

Good Luck!!!!
Just know that it will get better!!!!
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