Are we the hated company?

amother

Mustard

Wed, Mar 16 2016, 2:38 pm

Family would like us to come for Pesach, but we will not be able to come until erev pesach.
I am currently pregnant and have a hard time moving around a lot. We don't have teenagers to watch the little ones.

Are we the hated company that will be vented about after pesach? They came just before Y'T and didn't lift a finger the entire time to help...

watergirl

Wed, Mar 16 2016, 2:48 pm

tichellady wrote:

I assume if they want you to come then they actually want you to come. Ask what you can bring and offer to buy paper goods because you won't be able to help much in the kitchen.

This is a great idea. Make up for what you cant do. Bring lots of disposables, and make sure you tell the hosts before hand that you are bringing them so they dont buy before you come. Bring your own linens and tell host that you are, so they dont have to change the beds and prepare them. If they will allow premade food, bring that also, like ice cream and cake for dessert, to take a load off the host.

amother

Mustard

Wed, Mar 16 2016, 2:59 pm

amother wrote:

Well,who would watch your little ones if you were home? That same person can watch them in the hosts' house. Ditto for cleaning up toys and other messes. Then, you won't be the hated guest.

Obviously, we aren't planning on walking around leaving messes everywhere we go, but I was just thinking of the recent DIL thread, and the scheduling always means that it is just hard. If I'm too tired to clean up from a meal, and DH is singing (much appreciated by the hosts) it just won't work. Of course, if theoretically I can clean when I have a bit more energy (20 minutes later) then it works, but it rarely does...

amother

Mustard

Wed, Mar 16 2016, 3:01 pm

tichellady wrote:

I assume if they want you to come then they actually want you to come. Ask what you can bring and offer to buy paper goods because you won't be able to help much in the kitchen.

Thanks for the practical idea. (and watergirl also) we always say, what can we bring, but that's too generic and gets a 'no need' response. If we offer something specific, they may take us up on it.

tichellady

Wed, Mar 16 2016, 3:08 pm

Honestly when my brother and sister in law come with their kids my parents are so happy. They don't care that the kids make messes and wake them up early. My mom gets extra cleaning help and we just enjoy being with family. I don't know what your family is like but not every family complains like on the threads you see. I mentioned the paper goods as an option but it totally depends on your family dynamic. My mom would not want her daughter in law to shlep anything on an airplane and doesn't ask me to bring anything even though I live close by ( but I do come early to help cook). My parents really truly are just happy to have their kids with them even if it means yomtov isn't super quiet and relaxing. I think they feel like they have plenty of quiet and relaxing yomtovs the rest of the year. I don't know your family so I'm not saying how they feel, just putting it out there that there is a range.

Fox

Wed, Mar 16 2016, 3:28 pm

I think Tichel Lady is right on the money!

Most of the problematic situations I've seen both on Imamother and IRL occur when people (either hosts or guests) aren't really honest with themselves about the kind of Yom Tov they want or are able to produce or participate in.

So you get bubbes who really aren't up for the hullabaloo of leibedig kids for an entire week but feel that they "should" host the gantza mishpacha.

And you have DDs and DILs who are exhausted before Yom Tov begins from getting everything packed up and transported and are living in terror of their kids doing or saying something that the older generation would find shocking for some reason. They'd be happier staying at home and letting the kids eat potato chips all week.

Then there are families with radically different personal styles: one branch of the family pulls out the expensive dishes and sets a table fit for a king; the other branch buys paper plates at Sam's Club a few hours before the Seder.

There's no right or wrong, but if you aren't aware of your own preferences and capabilities, there will soon be trouble afoot!

So I would echo Tichel Lady's suggestion and also make sure your hosts have a realistic picture of what they're in for: "We would really love to come and spend time with you, but I have to tell you upfront that we may not be such great guests this year, and we understand 100 percent if this isn't the year for us to do Pesach together" and add whatever details they might need to know.

As a hostess, I'm happy to go with the flow, but knowing what to expect allows me to make decisions based on my energy and time, as well!

OOTforlife

Wed, Mar 16 2016, 4:56 pm

Yes, the complainer threads on here shouldn't be taken as representative necessarily. We have friends and family over often and I don't expect our guests to pitch in at all. If they choose to, it's a nice bonus, but my baseline expectation is that my husband and I are 100% responsible for all cooking, preparing, plating, setting, clearing, linens, and everything else. We plan on doing everything ourselves, and we don't sit around mentally taking notes on who else did what.

I only expect guests to refrain from making what I consider extraordinary mess, like smearing poop on the walls. If you can handle that much, you'll probably be invited back.

amother

Green

Wed, Mar 16 2016, 10:50 pm

tigerwife wrote:

It really depends on the vibe you give. I highly doubt you are being invited as the extra cleaning help. However, some parents get frustrated when they are working very hard and their guests act like they are at a resort.

This.
I am not a mother in law, but we live oot and I Try and get some family to come to us for yom tov.

I don't mind if they don't help, but it does irk me when they feel like they're in a 5 star catered hotel.

Im sure there will be some time during the 8 days that you can peel a cucumber or put out the plates on the table. But you don't have to feel stressed because you can't work like you're in your house.

Just be a mentsch

Merrymom

Thu, Mar 17 2016, 12:34 am

amother wrote:

What does this even mean? I don't remember a single pregnancy where I decided I'm too tired to help out my mil. I'm honestly shocked at such an attitude. It's one thing if you were on your feet the entire day preparing for the seder and your feet are killing you, but just because you're tired? shock

Who's not tired at the end of seder?

amother

Scarlet

Thu, Mar 17 2016, 8:34 am

I and practically everybody on this site has been or are pregnant and have/had little kids at the same time.
Life doesn't stop because we're exhausted! Many pregnant women with little kids make Pesach, host and sometimes with very little help.
I actually made Pesach one year, oldest was an 11 year old unhelpful very difficult boy, 5 other kids, very difficult pregnancy and my sil/bil came with 6 kids. I had no help that year as we were broke, they helped pay for their part but there was no money for help.
My parents and in laws actually come to me, I never went to them for various reasons, we're both FFB. We used to host the unmarrieds when parents came too.

We all pushed past our comfort zone and had an amazing Yom tov.

I wish I would have known that being pregnant means I don't have to help! Would have made the past 15 years so much easier! Very Happy

This year, not pregnant, have a houseful of kids, having my parents and one brother/sil with their 4 kids for whole Pesach.

As a host, I'm pretty chilled and try to make my house work for everyone, but guests really do need to be aware of the strain having guests is. Helping clear tables, sweep, do dishes and make salads or cleaning after own kids make everything more pleasant for all involved.

Helping to pay when finances are an issue makes it more pleasant too.

I love hosting, but guests need to realize that they're in someone else's home, even if parents home, once you move out, it's not your home anymore.

octopus

Thu, Mar 17 2016, 8:43 am

I think there should be a thread on how to be a good hostess. And this is coming from someone who makes pesach and has extended family over. While there are things that make a good guest, some of you have very high expectations of what a guest is supposed to do. So if a guest doesn't meet that expectation= they are a bad guest???? While I have definitely had good and bad guests, I would never, ever, feel comfortable (even if they were family!) to ask a guest/family member to start chopping my salad, even if they volunteered. Any additional help is seen as graciousness on the guest's part is appreciated and never expected. And some help is considered, in my book, as intrusive. What makes a bad guest? Complaining about the food, accommodations, or the noise my own kids make. If you are over at my house, please don't complain about it. What makes a good guest (in my book)? Being a good conversationalist, singing zemiros, contributing to the discussions at the table, thanking hosts for everything,.

causemommysaid

Thu, Mar 17 2016, 8:53 am

Merrymom wrote:

Who's not tired at the end of seder?

maybe you forgot the exhaustion pregnancy brings. I shocked my husband when I literally fell asleep at the dinner table or on an outing or at work. I remember going out to my car to take power naps during my work day; it was the only way to get through it.