Offering help and meaning it

amother

Amethyst

Thu, Mar 24 2016, 5:54 pm

I know many people offer their help and hope they're never called on it, but when I offer help, I mean it. Why does no one take me up on it??? I don't push it though and I guess that would make a difference, but I like to give people their space.

Last year pesach, my friend was having trouble with something, so instead or rather in addition to asking if she needs anything, I took the initiative and told her I'm going to do xyz. In that situation it worked but it doesn't always.

mille

Thu, Mar 24 2016, 5:57 pm

amother wrote:

That's what you should do - say "I am going to do XYZ". Don't say "What can I do?" because people will feel embarrassed to ask, or they won't know what to ask for, or they will forget you offered. I have a newborn at home, and obviously everyone and their mother has offered 'help'. I don't ask most for help, but those who will text me and say "hey, I'm headed to shoprite, can I get you anything?" - yes, I definitely take advantage of their generosity! If you say you can help me, that requires me to think of something I can delegate to you. That's hard.

There also is some element of the fact that 'everyone' offers help. In my situation, of COURSE everyone is going to say "Mazal tov, let me know if you need anything or if I can help!", because it's the nice thing to do. But are they really willing to come vacuum my floor? Or do my dishes? Because that's what I actually need. I can tell that a lot of the offers help are just them being nice, and I wouldn't take them up on it. When people ask to help with something very specific, they clearly mean it and they clearly WANT to help.

My advice is to keep offering specific help, not general help!

miami85

Fri, Mar 25 2016, 8:25 am

I could've written this exact post! I like feeling useful, and I offer to help. My situation of life the past couple of years made it tricky to offer specific things--but if someone made a request I'd probably find a way to do it--but people never follow up on my offers when I am SERIOUS!

tovasara

Fri, Mar 25 2016, 10:30 am

I agree with offering very specific help. I think people are so used to people saying they want to help but not following through. I try to offer useful, specific help, that I know I can follow through on.

but at the end of the day, you have to hope and trust the person will take you up on it if they want, and don't drive yourself crazy if they don't.

heidi

Fri, Mar 25 2016, 10:37 am

After my c-section, I desperately needed the one dress that fit ironed for the bris. Of all the people that offered to "help" I said to the one I felt closest to what I really needed. She chuckled and ignored me. Maybe that's why people don't take you up on it-- they know what they really need isn't the usual meal or carpool run.
I also agree with offering specific things-- maybe checking with a close family member what the person really needs.

amother

Oak

Fri, Mar 25 2016, 10:43 am

I work full time and was pretty much forced into hosting the purim seuda, 8 1/2 months pregnant. I was promised up and down by everyone coming that they would help clean up after and make my job as easy as possible. Well, everyone left right away when it was over bc they had to put their kids to bed. I had one friend call up a couple hours later (she had to go to school) and ask me what she can do to help. I said it was fine, and I didn't need help. Well, she drove over to my house, knocked on the door, and cleaned up my entire playroom.

cnc

Fri, Mar 25 2016, 11:52 am

I have a close relative that will call me up in a situation and say " I assume the following needs to be taken care of x, y, z. Is anyone taking care of these things. Which can I do first? "

Her genuineness comes across and I see that she really means it when she offers. (Which is why I take her up on it.)