The official "purim is over and no one brought us mm" thread

amother

Silver

Thu, Mar 24 2016, 8:53 pm

Title says it all. I delivered 10, some of those people gave us back in return, some said "oh... My spouse is out delivering and didnt leave any here" - hello that makes me feel worse. Do people really not keep some at home if a spouse stays home - as just in case mm? I know it isnt about popularity and I know that were still newish in town, been here almost 2 years, but in this space I'll vent. Even the people we invited to the seuda didnt bring! Feeling like a fool and a looser. We invite guests often and I try to make friends. I feel like had we not driven around to deliver, no one would have come to us.

108

amother

Ivory

Thu, Mar 24 2016, 9:18 pm

So I knew going in that a lot of the other young families were just being yotzei giving to their friends through the sisterhood at my shul. So I wasn't expecting much. Still, the day feels kind of sad when only 3 ppl come to the door.

Maya

Thu, Mar 24 2016, 9:31 pm

I'm really sorry you feel hurt.

Why is it not okay for people to give back as you're giving them? It just makes sense. That's what a lot of people we give to do. Never occurred to me to be insulted. Why make them shlep around if you're there anyway?

CPenzias

Thu, Mar 24 2016, 9:34 pm

Purim is about giving, not getting.
I know how you feel though. When we lived in Monsey we used to drive around for hours and deliver and there was nothing by my door when I came home. Now, since we moved to a small community, everyone gives everyone. It's really nice.

amother

Apricot

Thu, Mar 24 2016, 9:35 pm

Hugs

this happened to me one year and I decided to channel my hurt and disappointment to realize how someone feels who never gets m"m and gave it to people who I thought didn't get -- they were so appreciative and I felt better and next year I got much more!

I used it to be more sensitive and inclusive of people new to the area or for some other reason not so b'inyanim and do something for someone else and it really ended up helping me and my family.

hatzlocha

marina

Thu, Mar 24 2016, 9:39 pm

amother wrote:

Love this post

amother

Silver

Thu, Mar 24 2016, 9:40 pm

Maya wrote:

It is totally ok for people to give to me ad I am already at their house delivering to them. Its just... Had I not gone, I have the feeling they wouldnt have come to me at all. In fact, I dislike the feeling so much that I make sure to drive my kids to deliver to specifically those friends who live farther away because I want them to get mm and I know people arent likely to shelp. Its the people who had nothing to hand to me when I brought to their house - like I said, they said their spouse was out delivering and apparently didnt leave anything behind for the unexpected people - like me I guess! That sad walk back to the car doesnt feel good! Then when I got back home and sure, the kids had gotten mm which were waiting by the door, but none for dh and I...

Like I said, people dont have to give back just because I gave to them. But I'm feeling sad, ok? I dont need the candy. I need the gesture of friendship.

PinkFridge

Thu, Mar 24 2016, 9:46 pm

Purim can be lonely.
In some areas people give to their immediate block and don't get too much further. The kids' teachers, maybe. So if you don't live on a busy block, no,you won't get much.
But yes, if you have the kochos try to give to people who will really appreciate it. Visit someone who could use the visit, etc. It helps.
And now that my kids are big, I used the time to say Tehillim today.

allthingsblue

Thu, Mar 24 2016, 10:18 pm

I'm so, so sorry for all of you. It's so sad that a day like Purim, when there should be lots of love between us, is a day that ended up leaving you feeling hurt. I totally understand your hurt feelings (as a kid and in high school, I was the one who never got anything Unless I went to give other people first). Now, my husband is very outgoing, so families give us, and I live in a small neighborhood where everyone gives everyone, but I am all too familiar with that pain. Hug

amother

Royalblue

Thu, Mar 24 2016, 10:42 pm

I was so not looking forward to purm this year. Been living here for 3.5 years and dont know many ppl(no eiruv,cant walk to shul). My friends moved away. We moved into house and hosted party here. So people know where we live. My husband wrote a lost ofnhis neighborhood friends. Came to a total of 25 people he knew. I felt depressed I dodnt know their wives!) We got in car to deliver. Not all were home. Of all his friends,we left on all doors if not home,if they saw us they gave us. But barely were home. When we got home,there was ONE shalach manos. His friend called him later and stopped by 930ish. As miserable as I felt that didnt seey friend andhad no friends of my own,my husband is very sociable and NONE of his friends stopped by! I feel so pathetic! He isnt type to feel bad if ppl dont come,but I do!

amother

Royalblue

Thu, Mar 24 2016, 11:18 pm

What bothers me alot is that a lot of people we went to werent home cuz were out delivering shalach manos....how come I never made it on their list of people to deliver to?I dont need shalch manos, im ok without the bag of stuff! just to be considered a friend of another and worth a trip 2 blocks over to see on purim!

amother

Indigo

Fri, Mar 25 2016, 12:06 am

There are about forty sugar - laden MM on my table now, but none of them are addressed to me.

And my beautiful MM I prepared are on the counter. No one came this year for me, and I didn't have time to deliver any, so they are looking at me mockingly.

But I did cook four Purim seudahs for people who didn't have the means or ability to prepare one.

So while I am feeling sad and have some pangs in my heart that no one thought about me this Purim, I also feel so much joy that I was able to give people warm, yummy food made with love, and brighten up the Yom Tov for them. And that they know that someone cares about them and has their back.

Getting is so nice, but giving can heal and create so much genuine joy on both sides.

amother

Burlywood

Fri, Mar 25 2016, 12:30 am

I don't get this whole Thing. I prepared 6. Exchanged one at our door and sent my kids to the four people in the building. The last one will go to the cleaning lady tomorrow.

Besides that we took tips/MM/chocolate box to the babysitter, teachers, and rebbes.

And I made something for my mother's seudah so that counts, too.

And this was the happiest Purim I remember in a long time (for various other unrelated reasons.)

I think I might be missing some information because I don't get the angst around the MM situation. It is so not an emotional Thing for me and most people I know. What am I not getting?

amother

Natural

Fri, Mar 25 2016, 1:06 am

It's an emotional thing because people tend to use MM as a measuring stick for how well their friends like them, how many friends they have etc. I try not to do that but it is hard. Families/couples we have over throughout the year don't drop off anything.

Growing up I barely got any. Unless of course I delivered to them.
Now whoever was home gave when we delivered but it was nice that someone did come to our door! I know so many families who just sit at home and apparently don't deliver any... Makes sense for rabbanim etc but I wonder about the others and if they would think of giving us if I didn't stop by...

Culturedpearls

Fri, Mar 25 2016, 1:46 am

MM are overrated ! The mitzva is to give to one person. The expense of fancy MM or even simpler ones is pretty hard to justify.
Personally , neither DH or I can drive around as we work on Purim.
And I put all my money & energy into a big beautiful seuda with many guests & megilla reading. People who wouldn't otherwise fulfil the mitzva.
Our kids are in charge of giving MM to those who come to our door & also of distributing tzeddoka when we aren't home.
I hope people don't think that I'm less of a friend because I didn't drive out to them. It's just that my yardstick for friendship isn't giving a million MM.

heidi

Fri, Mar 25 2016, 5:04 am

OP, I'm much older than you (probably, as I'm older than most of the people on this site) and I feel your pain.
How good my Purim was is measured by how many people made the effort to give me (and my kids!) mishloach manot.
I'm sorry you had a hard day.
I hope next year is better.