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Forum -> Yom Tov / Holidays -> Purim
Costumes & Appropriateness
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amother
Periwinkle


 

Post Fri, Mar 25 2016, 3:44 pm
I'm not sure what to title this & where to put it...

SO, I get it that you couldn't pass up that cute costume, and you didn't want to ruin it by putting a (longer) skirt underneath. I even get it that you maybe wear leggings under skirts that are above the knee on any given day.

But do you think if you're dressed that way, that it's really appropriate to accompany your husband into his Rosh Yeshiva's house?

(Of course I think I was charming and welcoming. At least I hope so.)
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sourstix




 
 
    
 

Post Fri, Mar 25 2016, 3:54 pm
what are you talking about? I think pp online dont realize that when you say something you really need to explain yourself. noone has any idea what your talking about. its also not fair to put this in public. if you have a problem with something that is off with someones behavior you think this way they will listen?!
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amother
Violet


 

Post Fri, Mar 25 2016, 3:58 pm
sourstix wrote:
what are you talking about? I think pp online dont realize that when you say something you really need to explain yourself. noone has any idea what your talking about. its also not fair to put this in public. if you have a problem with something that is off with someones behavior you think this way they will listen?!


it sounds like her husband is a rosh yeshiva, and a talmids wife came in dressed in something not so appropriate for his house. I agree though that nothing will change from this thread.
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sourstix




 
 
    
 

Post Fri, Mar 25 2016, 4:17 pm
its sad op I hear you. but watch how you go about it. I just dont think this way is affective.
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causemommysaid




 
 
    
 

Post Fri, Mar 25 2016, 4:21 pm
I am sure she dresses this way the rest of the year too. not just purim.

don't say anything. she wont listen
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cm




 
 
    
 

Post Fri, Mar 25 2016, 4:27 pm
As a BT, I have observed that people from less-traditional backgrounds try harder not to offend their hosts, while Orthodox people who "hold differently" just follow their own way regardless of where they are or who is hosting them.
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amother
Periwinkle


 

Post Fri, Mar 25 2016, 5:19 pm
Quote:
As a BT, I have observed that people from less-traditional backgrounds try harder not to offend their hosts, while Orthodox people who "hold differently" just follow their own way regardless of where they are or who is hosting them.
I would say this is neither. This girl comes from a highly yeshivish town (think Bnei Braq) & there's no way she doesn't know what's appropriate in the house of a Rosh Yeshiva.

I'm not sure what was unclear in the original post but yes, my husband is a Rosh Yeshiva and many talmidim come on Purim. Sometimes the wives stay in the car (saying the baby is sleeping or the kids are just too tired to come in, maybe it really means my wife is embarrassed for you to see her.)

But I think this is the first Purim I have seen actual knees. Okay, covered with leggings, but knees nonetheless.

No, I didn't say a/t. I guess I'm just venting.

You know, they used to say, when you're not sure about buying an article of clothing, think if you'd be embarrassed to go to the Godol Hador in that clothing. I guess today embarrassment has gone the way of corded phones and horse-drawn carriages.
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amother
Green


 

Post Fri, Mar 25 2016, 5:38 pm
amother wrote:
I'm not sure what to title this & where to put it...

SO, I get it that you couldn't pass up that cute costume, and you didn't want to ruin it by putting a (longer) skirt underneath. I even get it that you maybe wear leggings under skirts that are above the knee on any given day.

But do you think if you're dressed that way, that it's really appropriate to accompany your husband into his Rosh Yeshiva's house?

(Of course I think I was charming and welcoming. At least I hope so.)


If the men are going to be knee crawling drunk what does it matter?
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FranticFrummie




 
 
    
 

Post Sat, Mar 26 2016, 2:52 pm
It took me a minute to process this post. The way you described the costume, I was sure you were going to be talking about a young girl. I wouldn't even let my 12yo DD go out dressed like that.
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amother
Blue


 

Post Sat, Mar 26 2016, 2:58 pm
My dh is a Rebbi in a yeshiva in EY. This year took the cake, one boy came dressed as a baby with a diaper no shirt and a pacifer and one boy came as the "little mermaid" with bust and all. My dh threw them both out.
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amother
Smokey


 

Post Sat, Mar 26 2016, 5:23 pm
Its sad that some people think purim is the jewish halloween....
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amother
Jetblack


 

Post Sat, Mar 26 2016, 6:14 pm
Sure it's inappropriate. I'd raise an eyebrow if someone came over dressed like that (we have a similar situation), but you seem genuinely angry. That's out of proportion to the offense. Why do you think this upset you so much? As you said, it's the first time you've ever seen knees. It's not a widespread problem.
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rainbow dash




 
 
    
 

Post Sat, Mar 26 2016, 6:17 pm
There is a pic going around of a guy in Israel wearing a jacket and white shirt on top and red panties with black stockings. Blah
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amother
Wheat


 

Post Sat, Mar 26 2016, 8:11 pm
Hi OP- You may have tried your best to be charming and welcoming, and hopefully the guest felt welcome.

But it sounds like in your own heart, you prefer that she stay in the car than come into your house dressed in a way that doesn't comport to your tzniut standards. It sounds like you believe that other women stay in their car rather than come into your house in clothing you don't approve of. You are entitled to your own preferences, and certainly to maintain your own level of comfort in your own home, but respectfully, I do find it upsetting that the wife of a rav would prefer to have limited contact with other real life human beings in the community, particularly the wives of her husband's talmudim, based on the fact that their wives may not be dressing in accordance to what you wish.

I have a lot of relatives who are more chareidi than I am and too often, I may be passing by and I don't stop by to say hello because I know that they won't appreciate what I'm wearing more than they will be happy to see me. A sibling told one of them why I don't stop by very often, and said relatives were like, "no, we would still want to see her!" but I know that they would still be upset with what I'm wearing were I to show up, and so I just don't show up at all unless I'm specifically making a trip out there. Your attitude to these women affirms my feelings in general. I think it's a sad state of affairs when people are so machmir on tzniut at the expense of bein adam lechavero.
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MitzadSheini




 
 
    
 

Post Sat, Mar 26 2016, 8:29 pm
DKLZ. Let all turn more inwards.

Did I dress appropriately for the occasion? Was I careful to greet everyone with seva panim yaffot? Was I grateful that people were coming to me? Did I judge the other party favorably, even though they may appear to be breaching halacha? was I careful to control my anger?
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chavs




 
 
    
 

Post Sat, Mar 26 2016, 9:14 pm
Knees? That's it? I'm just asking since I'm not finding it clear and am wondering if you are really that upset about knees?
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amother
Burgundy


 

Post Sat, Mar 26 2016, 9:22 pm
I think the OP has every right to vent here just like everyone else does. She is not trying to change the world, she just wants to express her frustration at the woman's lack of sensitivity.
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1ofbillions




 
 
    
 

Post Sat, Mar 26 2016, 9:25 pm
amother wrote:
My dh is a Rebbi in a yeshiva in EY. This year took the cake, one boy came dressed as a baby with a diaper no shirt and a pacifer and one boy came as the "little mermaid" with bust and all. My dh threw them both out.


I hope you aren't being serious. Your dh threw two kids out of your house because he thought that their costumes were improper? That doesn't sound like the kind of chinuch that will accomplish good things.
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chavs




 
 
    
 

Post Sat, Mar 26 2016, 9:34 pm
amother wrote:
My dh is a Rebbi in a yeshiva in EY. This year took the cake, one boy came dressed as a baby with a diaper no shirt and a pacifer and one boy came as the "little mermaid" with bust and all. My dh threw them both out.

Wow, that's really awful! I honestly can't believe that a grown man would treat children that way just because he doesn't like their costume. Poor kids!
I'm really sorry, that must be hard for you!
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amother
Wheat


 

Post Sat, Mar 26 2016, 9:39 pm
amother wrote:
I think the OP has every right to vent here just like everyone else does. She is not trying to change the world, she just wants to express her frustration at the woman's lack of sensitivity.


The OP has every right to vent, and others have every right to react to her vent.
Something I wanted to bring up in my previous post but I'd like to mention here:

You state
amother wrote:
she just wants to express her frustration at the woman's lack of sensitivity.

I'd like to correct that to read "at the woman's perceived lack of sensitivity."
For all we know, she did NOT want to go inside, but her husband convinced her that the rav's wife is warm and accepting and would not be offended. Or maybe, in her world, she was being extra tzenuah that day, and it didn't occur to her that leggings under a skirt just over knees would be offensive. Not everyone sees things from the OP's paradigm.

At the same relatives I typically don't go to for fear of being judged...One time Cousin, who typically doesn't cover her hair at all, showed up to a Purim party with a wide hat covering her hair, and her hair tucked in. Hostess Relative later told me she was "offended" that Cousin had some of her hair showing from under the hat. I'm sure she thought it was insensitive as well. Cousin, in the meantime, no doubt went out of her way to cover her hair specifically because she was visiting Relative, and never in a million years thought that Relative would see this as problematic. I'm happy Relative didn't say anything to Cousin because Cousin would probably have never come back.

Just because one thinks someone is being insensitive, doesn't mean that they are. It could be that this woman actually thought Rav's wife was a particularly warm and welcome person.
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