SAHM | Imamother

amother

Blue

Wed, Mar 30 2016, 9:05 pm

ex-SAHM here.

I was a SAHM until a year ago, when I went back to school, and just recently started working as well. As a SAHM, I always had either a baby or toddler home with me. Let me tell you, I was always busy, never had a minute to breathe or do anything for myself.
Since I've started working, in addition to part-time Master's program, plus mom to three kids under age 6, I find myself more or less in the same situation as before; always busy, no time to breathe or do anything for myself...
I realized that as a SAHM, there were things that I did that I manage without now, or find simpler, more convenient ways to do things. For example, as a SAHM, I would run to several supermarkets every week, in order to buy the sale items in each store. Now, I go to one store only, and buy from the grocery store around the corner what ever is missing, even though it is more expensive. Or, if I know that I wont be able to get to the store, I order online. Also, shopping for clothing, I would run to a bunch of stores, buy, return, buy somewhere else, return... Now, I try to shop online, or just in one or two stores nearby, and not think about it a million times, if it's cute, worth the money...
As far as suppers, as a SAHM, I would make full suppers every night, but now, I often just do easier meals such as mac and cheese, wraps, or crock pot dinners and try to make nicer supper at least once a week. Shabbos menu has become simpler as well, and we are managing just fine. I am definitely learning to juggle more now, which I did not have to do as a SAHM, where my main focus was the kids and the house.

amother

Amber

Wed, Mar 30 2016, 10:36 pm

I have 5 at home, b'ah, ages 20 down to 4. All in school, obviously. I am working full time, but if I wasn't, I would easily fill up my days with cleaning, laundry, shopping, cooking, appointments, kids home for whatever reason, and the list goes on.

Question: if I could easily fill the week with necessary family/home/house work, how does it get done when I am not home to do it?

Answer: quality, consistency, and sanity suffers greatly.
- the house is often dirtyish/messy. I have 5 hours of cleaning help/week for the hard to get to stuff. If I were home, my house would be very neat. I like neat, and the absence of it causes me considerable anxiety.
- we often struggle miserably with missing and disorganized clothing, uniforms not ready, etc. because laundry not completed and put away. This makes me feel crazy and panicked.
- I find shopping is not as challenging timewise, but sometimes don't have adequate snacks or lunches waiting to be packed for school. Makes me feel like a failure.
- breakfasts, lunches, dinners are often last minute and rushed. Same as above.... Big failure.
- I am frequently in a state of exhaustion. At the end of the workday (fortunately I end in time to pick up my youngest from school- I don't take this benefit for granted at all!) I have to decide: do laundry? Clean up? Help with homework/projects? Cook dinner? Return phone calls? Spend time with 4 year old? Help 14 year old year old with math? Sit down and rest?

Basically, the time in the day is finite. If it's used for one thing, it's not there for the other thing. Running a home for a midsized family is full time job. I am often a neglected, exhausted wreck.

Something is wrong with this system. We've been sold a bill of goods.

Queen6

Wed, Mar 30 2016, 10:39 pm

The reason SAHM moms give you the whole speech is because everyone makes them feel inadequate. People need to feel like super women or man Smile

and therefore love to put down the SAHM. It's pathetic but it's true.
Another reason they do it is because being a SAHM can sometimes feel unfulfilling and exhausting with no reward or thank you in sight!
When you're at work you get credit for what you do, when you're a mom and wife all you get is requests Smile

Yes being a SAHM is amazing and pays off for your family but some times you just want someone to tell you "wow you're amazing! How do you pull it all together?!"

gold21

Wed, Mar 30 2016, 10:40 pm

amother wrote:

Sooo true.
I love your post.

amother

Pink

Thu, Mar 31 2016, 12:06 am

I have a large gap between my 2 kids. When my oldest was home with me, I spent a lot of time just playing with her at home and taking her on errands with me (which takes double the amount of time!) and doing mommy and me type programs. Our days were quite full, but semi relaxed because I was only bound by her schedule.

Once she was in school all day, I definitely had too much time on my hands that I couldn't fill with necessary errands and housework and I abhor clothes shopping. So I found a volunteer opportunity that involved a pretty big time commitment. Plus by then I was doing fertility treatments, which eats up more time than you can imagine. And I started a part time work from home job.

Now I B"H have a 1 year old as well and there is just not enough time in the day. I have to get my older child off to school and be home in time for the school bus. I have to cram nursing, errands, naptime, dinner prep, phone calls, and work into just a few short hours. And I can't get much done while the baby is awake because she gets into everything. Once my older one comes home, we have homework and dinner and baths and bedtime routine. Then I need to do laundry and prepare lunch/snacks for the next day and some more work and tidy up. Half the time I fall asleep in my clothes before I finish doing what needs to be done. Then after the baby wakes up to nurse in the middle of the night I run to finish up in the kitchen and transfer a load of laundry and get into pajamas and go back to sleep. I'm chronically exhausted, which is not helped by my current habit of staying up half the night on Thursdays to cook for shabbos because I can't make a whole shabbos when my 1 year old is awake.

B"H I have cleaning help 1 morning a week. She does the heavy duty cleaning and changes the linen and irons DH's shirts and folds laundry. I don't know how I would manage without her!

newmom770

Thu, Mar 31 2016, 2:45 am

In general, extremes are not good. If you are a working mom and cant get vital things done and are exhausted and dont have a second to yourself in months, whats to brag about? I feel for you that is so hard and unhealthy. Of course you wish you had it easier. We also wish you had it easier. Just like most people are not millionaires, most people do not have full time help and kids in school all day. So who cares about that, its irrelevent. Having too much time leads to boredom and emptiness and is not fun in a different way. But I suspect these rare ladies find nice things to fill their day and their life might be alot easier although you never know what pekel they might be dealing with chas vsholom. Just because alot of wonen are run to the ground doesnt mean everyone should follow suit.

slushiemom

Thu, Mar 31 2016, 3:42 am

I followed that thread with interest as well, and I didn't want to post there with my name because many people who know me IRL. I feel safer responding here. I'm one of those who was described in the OP- not full time help, but a few hours a week and my kids are all out until 3:30. Just as it's rude to judge other people, I felt it would have been rude on my part to respond there. I thank my husband and G-d every single day for facilitating me to stay at home, even with kids in school. It was many years of a baby home with me, or only out in the morning and this is the first year I'm home alone all day and guess what - I LOVE IT!!!

YES, I'm sure my life is easier and slower paced than a working mom, OR a SAHM who has one or more kids home during the day- I have no problem admitting it, and appreciating it- I also know a lot of women would go crazy in my position, with no set schedule dictating their day.

I love that I can wake up and decide what to do. Sometimes it's super busy and sometimes- I'm admitting what no one else wanted to- sometimes, it's a day of watching tv while I drink coffee and surf the web. Sometimes I go with my husband to his office and help out. sometimes I go shopping (altho I HATE shopping, for me it's a necessary chore). Sometimes it's running my kids to appointments, bringing things to school that they forgot, or volunteering at a local organization. Sometimes it's hanging out with friends, or going into Jerusalem or Tel aviv to wander around and meet people.

One thing I can say- is that I don't take it for granted for one single second and I try to live life to it's fullest every single day.

amother

Floralwhite

Thu, Mar 31 2016, 4:37 am

I've been a SAHM with little ones at home for many years. And I am TOTALLY looking forward to when the youngest will be in playgroup (soon!) and I do not feel guilty about it. I am psyched! But my cleaning help will remain the same, a few hours once a week.

I think the difference will be EFFICIENCY in getting more things done and done well, and more time to take care of myself, which is so awesome!

SAHMs with full time help who are good at organizing their day have a chance to get lots more done than other women, and take care of themselves. That makes for a happier family.
YAY SAHMS!

cnc

Thu, Mar 31 2016, 8:20 am

slushiemom wrote:

Awesome post.

cnc

Thu, Mar 31 2016, 8:34 am

amother wrote:

In a way the post was unfair because at the end of the day it was putting sahm WITH NO KIDS AT HOME AND HELP in an awkward position to acknowledge that for the most part their day is leisurely, relaxed, doing things like lunch, gym, and walking. Its something that people simply don't want to admit to for the most part.

For some reason, Jewish mothers are constantly supposed to feel guilty no matter what they do! (Sahm. Wahm. Etc.)

I admire those that actually admit that they enjoy their days and have free time to themselves. Is their ultimate purpose to always be a shamatta? (And if they're not - to pretend that they are? )

mummiedearest

Thu, Mar 31 2016, 8:41 am

amother wrote:

but that's not always the case. it's not so simple. it is sometimes, true.