Its not fair😭😭 joint account vs separate

amother

Cyan

Tue, Apr 05 2016, 1:45 pm

Im 9 month married and happy but one thing really annoys me.. "We" have an account with both ours names. Now when I work he wants me to put the money in "our account" well I dont want to because then I wil never be able to treat myself. For example 30 mins ago I told him yeh I need to do my nails for pesach and I want to get new clothes. He said you dont need you want. Do you see where im coming from? I want money for myself bc I dont always want to ask him can I buy ... If I see something that I want I always need to ask. Im so annoyed and in a bad mood. I want my own account not just for me but for the house stuff as well. How do you deal with my money and his money?

asp40

Tue, Apr 05 2016, 1:51 pm

For us, it is all OUR money and we never ever had an argument about that stuff. But I know plenty of people where each spouse has their own account and they deposit maybe $100/paycheck into it and they can do whatever they want with it. Everything else goes to the household budget. I suggest that the two of you sit down now and work out financials before things get out of control.

Chayalle

Tue, Apr 05 2016, 1:51 pm

We have a joint account. First we pay the necessities - like mortgage, bills, etc... - and then discuss how much is left and what to spend it on. I tell him I'm going to need about X for shoes, nails, etc..and he needs Y for a new suit and shirt...etc...

It's not about asking him, it's about figuring out what's affordable.

If this is not the case for you, then you need to speak to someone so that the two of you can get closer to being on the same page. It's both of yours finances together, and both of you should be involved in deciding how/what to spend, including your wants/needs (makes no difference how you categorize them, they are both valid).

Also, for small expenditures like nails, we don't even have a discussion...does your DH ask you every time he wants to buy a soda?

Now if the frequency of the nails/soda exceeds your bank account, you can both agree to scrimp for a while, or something like that.....

amother

Puce

Tue, Apr 05 2016, 1:52 pm

I don't think you need your account, I think you need to speak to tie DH about how he responds when you tell him you're buying stuff .
Also, we have a joint account and I don't usually call dh to tell him what I buy ( unless I want to or maybe maybe if I spend a lot of money. And we don't have much money to spend ... He just trusts my judgment!).

The Happy Wife

Tue, Apr 05 2016, 1:55 pm

You shouldn't have to hide expenditures or ask to spend money. Opening your own account won't fix the problem. Why don't you sit down together and discuss your finances to see how much money you can reasonably spend on extras. But he's right, you don't "need" to get your nails done, you want to, and there's nothing wrong with wanting to if you can afford it.

Talk to him so you can both be on the same page and not have to run every expense by him or hide anything.

observer

Tue, Apr 05 2016, 1:55 pm

We share all our accounts. I work, he learns. I bring in the paycheck, but it's "our" money.

We make joint decisions on how to use our money. Of course we can each treat ourselves to small things and don't need "permission". But we do consult one another before making larger purchases.

Technically he is right that you want new clothes or a manicure, it is a want, not a need. Maybe he is just being technical about the wording.

Most husbands want their wives to be happy. A husband should generally be ok with his wife buying new clothes for herself, as long as it's not out of control. However, if a woman is constantly splurging on herself, I can see how a husband would be concerned about the finances, even though he's not the one bringing in the paycheck. It's still his finances and his burden.

lfab

Tue, Apr 05 2016, 1:57 pm

If it's a joint account then you wouldn't need to ask him for permission before making purchases. You would each have a debit card with your name on it linked to the account and could access it whenever you wished. However, if you are worried that by putting the money into a joint account it will give him control over you (and he will 1 day god forbid switch all the money into an account under only his name) then you should at least keep some of it separate. It sounds to me mostly like you both just have different views on finances and what is important. You both need to sit down and have a discussion about budgeting and what your financial expectations are. When budgeting be sure to include a "blow money" category. This would be yours to spend however you want without him questioning the purchases. Obviously, as your budgeting needs change you will need to make adjustments to each category. As long as you are within budget there is no reason he should be questioning any specific purchase.

musicmom

Tue, Apr 05 2016, 1:58 pm

My husband and I each have our own accounts but have added each other, so we each have both bank cards but only use our own. There are no secrets and we could access each others money easily, but we have divided up who pays what bills, and try to help each other out when needed. Also, if he normally pays groceries and I run in to the store, I do not ask to be paid back for the groceries. We really don't count or nitpick, but knowing how much is in our own account and what we are responsible for helps. I think you have to look at a person's spending frequency as well as amount, but for the cost of a manicure, if it is once in a while and under a certain amount of money, you should not have to ask. I know my husband absolutely hates me to save money and paint my own nails, as I can't help out as the nailpolish is drying and he hates the smell. I am sure if you do this your husband will also catch on, but a simple conversation that a manicure, and say the cost, will help make your holiday special, could spell things out for him.

amother

Rose

Tue, Apr 05 2016, 2:05 pm

ok, so I really need to comment on this:

been there done that, but the other way around. I am a super frugal spendthrift, my husband is a spender. I am also the one in charge of teh finances in our house.
my husband mentions that he is buying x, y or z. I used to say, what? how can you do that? we cant afford it! that's a luxury! he would say defensively, I earn most of the money in this house, I can spend it how I like (or words to that effect.)... not a good route to good communication and good shalom bayis.

I discussed this with our accountant. His very wise advice was:
1) you MUST make a budget TOGETHER.
2) make sure to include in the budget x amount each month for each of you to spend on your personal needs at your own discretion. This is money for the kind of things that it seems silly to include in the budget.
3) amount of this personal spending depends obviously on your income. For one family it could be $15 discretionary spending per month each, for another it could be $100 if they have more available cash.
4) what you do with your $x depends totally on you, you do not even need to mention it to your spouse nor justify it to your spouse. For example, I could blow my $15 one month on chocolate (LOL), he could spend his on slurpees and a new book. No need to feel guilty about it, its all included in the family budget

I just want to tell you that since we instituted this discretionary spending (we only do $15 each btw), I never have to get annoyed with him for over spending, I never feel guilty about buying chocolate or a magazine that would bother him etc.
It was such great advice for us. Do you think that you could work out somehting like this for your husband and yourself, OP?

observer

Tue, Apr 05 2016, 2:07 pm

amother wrote:

We needed fridge and freezer for when we move house. Guess who paid it? Me with my savings since I was 12 yrs old. I didnt tell him. I just said my parents bought it.

You are ok with your marriage being based on lies?? That's terrible that you lied to him! Wow, you need to work on a lot of things, primarily being open with your husband.

Do you like him? Do you love him? You sound resentful to be using your savings on him.

We used my hard earned savings (from when I was single) to buy our house. I was so happy to share my money with my husband, my life partner!

You need to change your perspective and start being more open with your husband.

Chayalle

Tue, Apr 05 2016, 2:12 pm

amother wrote:

Yes he asks me if he can buy a drink. Also I have my own account but now whats the point bc I dont even put money into it. We needed fridge and freezer for when we move house. Guess who paid it? Me with my savings since I was 12 yrs old. I didnt tell him. I just said my parents bought it.

You both need to work out a system whereby each of you can have a certain amount of discretionary savings (for nails, drinks, whatever). You also need to be totally open about where money is coming from to pay for the big things. This way you can know how much money you have and what you can afford to spend for whatever wants/needs both of you have.

amother

Cyan

Tue, Apr 05 2016, 2:16 pm

Rose I think its a good idea about this 15 dollars a month. But is that in cash? How does it work? I mean if I see one day 10 dollars out I will ask him etc. How will I know it was for him? You see I want cash directly in my pocket. Maybe im being a bit mean or selfish. I dont know. I feel like crying

amother

Rose

Tue, Apr 05 2016, 2:30 pm

amother wrote:

it depend how you are paid. I fyou get cash, put aside $15 each. if direct deposit, thenone of you should withdraw $30 and split it between the two of you. then dont ask about it.
it is not good for your shalom bayis what you are describing. you need to stop quizzing each other about it, it is not healthy to feel that you cant buy a chocolate or have your nails done without checking with you spouse.

tichellady

Tue, Apr 05 2016, 3:02 pm

It sounds like there might be some greater issues here. You seem to feel like your financial situation is not good, you seem resentful that your husband isn't bringing in money, you seem to want to spend money on fun things, you feel your husband is being too hard on how you spend money . You don't present yourself as seeing your husband as your partner, someone you want to share with. I am not judging you at all, just trying to figure out what's really going on here.

I don't have answers to all these issues but I think it's worthwhile to identify all the issues so you can work towards resolving them.

amother

Burgundy

Tue, Apr 05 2016, 3:06 pm

tichellady wrote:

OP sounds chassidish based on her english. if thats the case, she probably did not know her husband before marriage and may still be having a hard time building a relationship with him. I agree, it sounds like they are two separate entities and do not sound like partners. work on becoming closer to each other, you are married to each other, you should work on having a close loving relationship.

hugs.